We’re pretty sure that the intended worth of a US dollar bill directly dictates the size of paper it’s printed on. A $1 bill is regular size, a $5 is a little bigger and a $100 is twenty times the size of the five. We read this somewhere, we really did.

That said, Lindsay Lohan is about to get a bill that’ll just be perfect for snorting several hundred pounds of coke at once. If she still does that sort of thing on the far side of rehab, that is.

OK! Magazine is rumored to be offering the former parent trapper a cool one million dollars for the rights to her first post jail interview. We tend to think this true as we’ve always found the unorthodox use of exclamation points very convincing.

Poor, poor L. Lohan. There she is coming down in jail, all she wants to do is fill her veins with booze or runny butter (we heard that’s pretty cool now), but the closest thing she’s got is a room temperature pudding cup and the jailhouse rumor that if you eat it through your eyelids it’ll still get you kinda high.

That actually works with vanilla.

Back to Lohan – we really anticipate a resurgence for her. After all, she’s already got a book coming out. And if you take into consideration that not all movie producers are avoiding her eye contact, well – things probably look a little brighter for her on the outside of the bars.

As it would be for anybody, we suppose. Anybody except that poor old guy that killed himself on the Green Mile. It’s tough out here, you know?

Anyway – folks say OK! magazine is willing to pay her a million smackers for a first post-jail interview. According to THR:

“Given her fresh notoriety, Lohan is likely to be handed $1 million by OK! for her first post-jail interview, and the clamor for stories about her time “inside” is likely to provide another muddy revenue stream. Her fee for New York and Los Angeles event appearances will land anywhere from $25,000-$100,000 — even when they involve friends — though many old haunts won’t touch her now.”

Her stories from inside probably include things like learning to dig previously buried meth out from under her molar fillings with nothing but a rusty bed spring and a trouser button, and eating cold potatoes.

Ew! Can you imagine the potatoes?

Neither can we. It’s the sole reason we obey the rules.

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Despair is a pretty common theme when it comes to writing about celebrities – especially when it comes to their impact on popular culture.

Never let it be said that people around the world are anything more than mindless drones, willing to copy any trend pushed in front of them.

So it comes as no surprise that half of the world’s media have jumped onto the fact that Jamie Lynn Spears‘ recent plopping-out of a baby and subsequent photoshoot with said ball of illegitimate flesh could have an effect on teenage pregnancy levels around the world. Because young girls are even more stupid than the everyday moron.

The world is sure to become a much worse place. Despair once again sets in.

It’s something that reads just like the synopsis of the film Idiocracy – those in the lower echelons of the IQ leagues tend to breed more, and we, the educated elite (like the hive mind that is hecklerspray) will soon be overwhelmed. And the 17-year-old sister of a mentally ill popstar having a baby is sure to make that process go a little bit faster. Don’t be afraid to let out a big sigh at that thought, we’re with you through this: the destruction of society as we know it.

So while we’re all being overwhelmed by the CREDIT CRUNCH and fearing for our lives on the streets literally covered with KNIFE CRIME we will now have to put up with every single underage girl in the country getting pregnant too. Life just gets harder and harder, and it’s all the bloody media’s fault. Oh, wait, we’re part of the media… err… we meant to say: it’s all OK! Magazine’s fault for printing that front cover with Jamie Lynn Spears on it.

Good save.

There are, of course, those out there that claim the cover and article for the magazine do nothing to promote promiscuity in youngsters. Instead, they simply show that Jamie Lynn is a responsible young adult, capable of handling herself in the big, bad world and probably not going mad, shaving her head and losing her kids.

These people are wrong.

So it may be something of an exaggeration to claim that every 16-year-old girl in the world is going to fall instantly preggers, but hey – hecklerspray isn’t one to understate. The fact of the matter is young girls suffer from being more impressionable than most other demographics and have to cope with the constant barrage of ‘me too’ celebrity culture that infects their every waking hour. When one of their contemporaries falls pregnant and goes very, very public with the details, well – it’s going to have an effect. Anyone who claims otherwise is a fat idiot. The fact that young Miss Spears picked up a hefty wodge of cash in the deal will just serve to push a few more insecure, confused youngsters over the edge.

But no, not so according to the editor of OK!, Rob Shuter, who spoke to Newsweek:

“I think it’s a very sensitive subject. I can totally understand why people have concerns about it. I can tell you too it’s nothing Jamie Lynn hasn’t had to deal with herself on a daily basis. This young girl has made some very hard choices … She can only talk about her own circumstances but she certainly is not a spokesperson for teen pregnancy. I think what we try to do in this story really carefully is say that this is Jamie Lynn’s story. This is not a girl at a high school story. This is a story about Jamie Lynn and her exceptional story in really, really unique circumstances and how she’s making decisions. That’s what this is about. We don’t set out to be the moral authority. We try to present the facts and let our readers decide.”

Shuter then went on to single-handedly destroy his own arguments as to why the article didn’t glamourise teenage pregnancy with one sentence:

“Babies are the new “it” factor in the celebrity market.”

Sigh. At least she looks good on the cover though, right?

But hey – let’s not take away from the fact that the rest of society as we know it is also full of utter, utter peons with all the intelligence and imagination of a rusty bagel. The kind of people who eat up buzzwords and end up using the term ‘carbon footprint’ without immediately breaking down in waves of laughter. Don’t worry, little girls, you’re not the only stupid ones.

We’re just waiting for the ad campaign extolling the virtues of cancer, which will result in people actively trying to ‘catch’ the disease. Just as proof that people will follow anything they see as a trend. It’ll happen, just you wait.