Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.

See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.

However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.

So who is breaking such a story?

Why, if it isn’t those marvellous swines over at the National Enquirer! Anyone who doesn’t trust those guys needs to have a look at themselves, long and hard.

The Enquirer is the best!

Anyway, a source told the Enquirer this:

“O.J. told me Khloe’s his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends’ wives.”

Ooooh! They continued:

“He used to tell us way back – even before he and Nicole got divorced – that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe’s birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America’s biggest sports hero had fathered a love child.”

Look, we’re not making this up.

And surely, SURELY, the National Enquirer wouldn’t make something up like this. They don’t really have a record for doing as such, do they?

Either way, this must be incredibly exciting news for Khloe Kardashian! Just imagine finding out your dad was OJ Simpson! All those anecdotes he’d have to share with you!

Splendid.

Oprah Winfrey has been shooting her mouth off saying that she’s going to get OJ Simpson to confess to his dirty murder on her television show, but alas, someone has already beaten her to it.

That source is the Daily Mail. And the National Enquirer. They never tell lies do they? They would’ve been told-off by someone official if so. This means we can take their words and reprint them as gospel.

So yeah, the words ‘I killed Nicole’ have been uttered by OJ ‘Glove Problems’ Simpson, which is nice. Is someone going to arrest him again… or something? We don’t know the protocol and can’t be bothered to find out. Simpson hasn’t just confessed, he’s allegedly spoken about how he did it. Step right this way gore fans!

According to the Mail, Simpson has already told Oprah that he knifed his wife to death in self defence. Of course, Oprah isn’t saying not saying a peep as she’d prefer to talk about it when she’s got some ratings at stake.

Of course, Simpson is already in prison, serving a nine year sentence for a robbery and kidnapping, but he was famously acquitted of murdering his wife and her chum Ronald Goldman even though it totally looked like he’d done it.

So step forward the National Enquirer, purveyors of undiluted truth and wisdom! They say that the former pro-ball chucker has been in contact with Oprah for the past year, ‘fessing all, saying:

“Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defence. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself”

“OJ said he went home and kept getting angrier and angrier and worked himself into an absolute rage”

Apparently, Simpson said that he…

“didn’t like the way she treated me in front of the kids at the restaurant. I didn’t like that she was routinely having guys have sex with her at her condo with the kids there.

He then obviously definitely said:

“I went over there to give her a piece of my mind. She was yelling go away! Go away! And waving the knife around at me. At one point she was lunging at me with the knife and I was just trying to talk to her. Nicole stepped out of the apartment – slashing the knife in the air”

“I was in such a rage that something just snapped. I couldn’t take her constant taunting of me with other men or her using drugs and drinking while my kids were living with her. I went beserk.

‘“Before I knew what I was doing I took the knife away from Nicole and started slashing at her. I cut her over and over again until she was lifeless. I was shocked at my own anger – I had killed the woman I had loved for so long…”

Then then presumably knifed Ron Goldman in self-defence and would’ve stabbed the crap out of anyone else within a mile radius, in self-defence before going on the world’s most famous, and slow copchase ever.

So there you have it. Close the casebooks. Everything has been worked out by Oprah, a right wing British newspaper and a comic.

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Everyone think OJ Simpson committed those murders right, despite the fact he never got collared for it. Even the gloves that didn’t fit his American Football playing hands are under the impression he’s guilty.

Even an adult actress, who performed under the name ‘Devon Shire’ (you should see her cream custard) thinks he did it. Even OJ himself isn’t sure, once saying: ‘Let’s say I committed this crime… even if I did this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?”

Oprah Winfrey is under the impression OJ is a killer, saying that she wants to get him to confess to it while being interviewed by her. That would be something wouldn’t it? Oprah getting the goods the police force never could? Well, she did inadvertently make Tom Cruise jump around on a sofa like a man-possessed.

Now Oprah has gone electric (aka, gone off on her own network, called OWN confusingly), she’s started dreaming big. And what would her dream interview be?

She wants O.J. Simpson to sit before her and say that he killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson. Not asking for much, eh?

Oprah says:

“I have a dream of O.J. Simpson confessing to me”

“And I am going to make that happen, people. I don’t just want the interview. I want the interview on the condition that you are ready, Mr. Simpson”

So why would OJ Simpson want to talk to Oprah, let alone confess that he was a massive murderer on television?

Bizarrely, she cited a photo she saw recently of herself as a baby growing up in poverty in Mississippi.

“The fact that that baby girl from a shotgun house in Mississippi can get to the OWN network means that the OJ Simpson interview is possible”

The American dream, eh? You can be anything you want in the land of milk and guns made from honey. You can rise to the top and force a confession out of a man who, if suspicions are correct, likes killing people. WAIT! That would make great television! OJ confesses before garotting Oprah Winfrey, with an audience of 80 million people!

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Poor old O.J. Simpson. He’ll forever be remember as That Man Who Couldn’t Get A Pair Of Gloves To Fit Him. Oh, we shouldn’t forget that he did that really funny wheelchair skit in the Naked Gun film.

Oh, and there’s that whole murder business. And kidnapping and armed robbery. Oh, and NFL football. Mustn’t forget that.

And now, there’s been mutterings that ol’ O.J. has been beaten to little more than a bloody stain on the floor while in prison. Racially motivated too (some readers may be a different skin colour to Simpson, just in case you were confused). And what’s this? O.J. Simpson finds it all very amusing? What is he? Some kind of pervert who gets off on violence?

Alas, there is something that needs clearing up first. No, it isn’t O.J.’s eyeballs that became dislodged during a particularly brutal prison scrap.

Sadly for the sake of a mocking story, it seems that the tale of Simpson getting his arse handed to him on a plate while in the clink, is completely untrue.

In fact, the story is so far off the mark that, apparently, The Juice (that is one of O.J.’s nicknames, if you didn’t know) nearly pissed himself laughing when he heard about it.

Sources at Lovelock Correctional Center (that sounds nice doesn’t it? Much nicer than the nearby Hatesocket Donkey Punching Unit) in Nevada have noted that Simpson’s supposed bout of pagga were so ridiculous that guards pulled O.J. from his cell just so they could tell him about the rumours.

And Simpson found the whole thing very entertaining, with one guard stating that the former glove botherer “laughed his ass off.”

At the time of press, an official rep for the prison says that there have been “no incidents regarding O.J. in any shape or form.”

When his prison buddies hear of this, they might give him a kicking just to be on the safe side.

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It’s long been fairly common knowledge and source of minor irony that O.J. Simpson was originally in the running to play the cyborg in The Terminator, only to be denied by director James Cameron who thought that Simpson was just ‘too nice’.

Is his face red now.

But that didn’t stopped him from blabbing about it all over the TV recently, naturally.
Cameron himself has made little comment on this casting decision until his appearance on 60 Minutes on CBS this weekend. In a statement so massively inappropriate it probably caused severe bleeding to the eyes, nose, ears, brain and rectum of anyone watching, Cameron started kicking himself saying:

“I didn’t know O.J. Simpson. … I didn’t know that he was gonna go murder his wife later and become the real ‘Terminator.’”

We can only assume Cameron feels a massive dumbass for not using foreknowledge to change future events, like what Kyle Reese did.

Well double-dumbass on you Jim, because O.J. didn’t even murder his wife at all! Probably. Well, he was never convicted in a criminal court. He was acquitted, which is next-best thing to actually being innocent.

Admittedly he is now serving 33 years in jail for a crime in Las Vegas with which he was charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, robbery, burglary, coercion and assault with a deadly weapon, so perhaps he’s not exactly the stand-up guy Cameron first imagined.

Let’s not mention the fact that he was recorded during the incident in question shouting “Don’t let nobody out of this room. Mother fucker, you think you can steal my shit and sell it?” which really should carry a prison sentence all of it’s own for being embarrassingly ‘urban’. He was in Naked Gun for goodness sake.

O.J.’s reported response the day after these events? “I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas”. Honestly. Say it to yourself in the Terminator robot-voice.

Cameron probably made the right decision, and shouldn’t be so down on himself.

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Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview.

Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris?

Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread…

1. Make a joke out of it

When Hugh Grant was caught having his gentlemanly penis attended to by a street-side prostitute in his car, it could have spelt curtains for the actor. Yet, Hugh turned the whole thing to his advantage by upping the ‘bumbling aristocrat’ setting on his personality, and doing the talk show rounds making stuttered apologies, and quips about not wanting to blow his own trumpet. George Michael was equally light-hearted when he was arrested for his penis-related misdemeanour in a local toilet. Hence, one option for Chris would be to hilariously send-up his violent outburst in a music video, or laugh hysterically and start clapping his hands whenever the incident is brought up in an interview. “Yeah, what a crazy night that was – you should’ve seen the other guy!” laughs Chris. Silence.

2. Divert attention by becoming increasingly weird

Phil Spector killed a woman. Seriously, actually killed one. With a gun. You were probably aware of that fact for about a second, before becoming distracted by the wild manner in which he wore his hair. During the murder trial, he became so odd looking that most people completely forgot that he once placed a pistol into a lady’s mouth, then pulled the trigger, because they were too busy wondering how he managed to achieve so much frizz without getting an actual perm done. Taking a similar line in distraction, Chris could perhaps fashion an interesting beard, or take to wearing a dress? Then will they be talking about the time he punched Rihanna in the face? No, they’ll be asking why Chris Brown appears to be wearing a woman’s frock. Bingo!

3. Deny everything

Yes, everyone seems pretty sure that they know the truth, but OJ Simpson has spent years denying any wrong doing on the night that Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman were stabbed to death, even though he was then chased by the police, before providing a case that Columbo would probably crack in seven seconds – including a five second break to scratch his nose. Still, the constant denial worked for OJ as he was declared not guilty, and went back to his old life. Only with considerably less friends, money, or prospects. This could work for Chris. Simply backtrack, then deny everything. Yes, you won’t work again, but at least you wouldn’t spend long nights awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, regretting what you did…  Oh, you still would? Fine!

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment, who rules

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Imagine a world where OJ Simpson wasn’t allowed to run around freely with the wind billowing in his hair.

What a rubbish world that would be. Sports memorabilia dealers would be able to conduct hotel room transactions without the constant threat of being raided by a disgraced celebrity and his gang of armed thugs. Nobody would write books explaining how they’d murder their ex-wife if they’d murdered them before they were actually murdered. Sadly, since OJ Simpson was imprisoned, that’s the world we live in now.

But not for long – OJ Simpson might be released from jail soon! Hooray!

Thanks to his conviction for armed robbery and kidnap last year, OJ Simpson won’t be released from jail until somewhere between 2018 and 2042. He’s 62 now, which means that OJ Simpson is going to leave prison a very old man. And, if you ask us, that’s a dreadful shame.

True, he might have masterminded an alarmingly violent criminal operation simply because one man had something that he may have possibly once owned, and phoning up to ask for it back didn’t seem to occur to him. And, yes, he was found responsible for the murder of his ex-wife in a civil case. But even if OJ Simpson is a dangerous, violent lunatic – and for all we know he is – isn’t he too much fun to keep locked up?

We want our old OJ Simpson back. The OJ Simpson who wrote If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened. The OJ Simpson who thought that making a hilarious prank-filled hidden camera DVD would be the best way to endear him to the public again. The OJ Simpson who we now feel sort of uneasy about finding funny in The Naked Gun. That’s the OJ Simpson we want to see back on the streets, and we don’t even care if he goes on a berserk indiscriminate stab-rampage immediately afterwards, either.

And neither does his lawyers, because he’s busy trying to get OJ Simpson released from jail ahead of his appeal, although somewhat inexplicably he isn’t using the argument that the planet needs a second volume of Juiced released on DVD. The New York Times reports:

O. J. Simpson’s lawyer asked a three-judge panel of the State Supreme Court to release Mr. Simpson on bail pending the appeal of his 2008 kidnapping and armed robbery convictions. The lawyer, Yale Galanter, said that the trial had been riddled with legal errors and that Mr. Simpson did not pose a flight risk.

Without wanting to burst OJ Simpson’s bubble, this doesn’t sound very hopeful. Asking the same authorities that are still kicking themselves because they didn’t get you for murder to release you from jail because there may have been some administrative inconsistencies while they were convicting you of that thing everyone says you did sounds like a bit of a stretch.

But even if OJ Simpson’s bid for freedom doesn’t work out, there’s still hope that he’ll release Juiced 2 from jail. True, all the hilarious hidden camera pranks will largely involve OJ Simpson pretending to be the sexually-available wife of violent inmate called Hank, but that’s still worth watching, right?

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This may come as a shock, but apparently Hulk Hogan isn’t most famous for his intelligent thought-processes.

And that’s not the only shock. Apparently spending your entire career feigning deafness, ripping a series of deliberately flimsy T-shirts in half and calling everyone ‘Hulkamaniac’ regardless of level of mania might – just might – make you say the occasional ill-advised thing. Like, ooh, that if OJ Simpson killed his wife then you can totally sympathise with him because your ex-wife can be a bit of a bitch sometimes too.

Yes. Hulk Hogan said that. To Rolling Stone magazine. On purpose, presumably. Nice chap.

Things haven’t been going so well for Hulk Hogan lately. His son went to prison for driving so ridiculously that his friend will need permanent care for the rest of his life, his wife has left him for a man less than half his age and his daughter looks like a cross between Paris Hilton and an infected shrapnel wound. What’s more, Hulk Hogan’s arms don’t even look like sausages any more. Well, they do, but they’re the ropey-looking European sausages you buy at Lidl. If anything that’s worse.

So, yes, Hulk Hogan is in a bind. So what’s a man to do? Well, he could always tell a popular magazine that he often fantasises about returning to his family home and murdering everyone in the most bloodthirsty way imaginable, just like OJ Simpson was acquitted of doing all those years ago. We’re being serious here. Hulk Hogan told Rolling Stone:

“I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife … I totally understand O.J. I get it.”

Even ignoring the fact that professional wrestlers by nature have a worrying habit of going berserk and murdering their families, this is still a monumentally regrettable thing for Hulk Hogan to say. In fact, it might be the most regrettable thing any wrestler has ever done, right up there alongside Mr Nanny and… wait, no, Mr Nanny is the all-time pinnacle of regrettable wrestler decisions and will be forever. Anyway, at least this has given Hulk Hogan’s reps something to choke on their tea and get into a flap over. One of them told Access Hollywood:

“Hulk in no way condones the O.J. situation. As part of a lager conversation, he referred to it to exemplify his frustration with his own situation.”

So that’s that all sorted out then. There’s not going to be a new reality TV show called Hogan Homicide or The Voices In Hogan’s Head Know Best. As ridiculously moronic as Hulk Hogan’s comments were, we all know deep down that he’d never try to kill his wife. Because, seriously, have you seen his wife? She looks like a Terminator crossed with a bulldog, for crying out loud. Hulk’s probably as terrified of her as we are.

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So that’s that, then – the next time you see OJ Simpson will be somewhere in the tiny window between 2017 and 2041.

On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year’s bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we’re looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What’s My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny.

That’s unless OJ Simpson’s appeal is successful. Oh, didn’t we mention that part?

We’ve got the right hump with Nevada at the moment, we don’t mind telling you. Why? Because it’s spoiled our fun, that’s why.

For years OJ Simpson has been livening up our gloomiest moments with his inimitable presence, either by getting thrown out of restaurants by men who think he’s a murderer, writing books so galactically ill-advised that they barely seem conceivable or losing his possessions to a family who seem convinced that a dodgy knock-off Rolex will somehow ease their grief.

But that won’t be happening any more. On Friday, during his sentencing for the armed robbery that he was arrested for last year, OJ Simpson discovered that he’d be spending anywhere between nine and 33 years in the slammer. That means that, if he’s fortunate, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see work begin on an actual elevator to space and, if he’s less lucky, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see the last remaining polar bear drown as the arctic icecap melts away to nothing.

The truth is that OJ Simpson will probably end up serving a jail sentence somewhere between those two dates. But he shouldn’t get down, because it still gives him plenty of time to a) cover himself in several quickly-infected self-drawn tattoos, b) befriend a long succession of rats and birds, getting driven further into the realms of disturbing insanity each time one of them dies and c) be violently bummed so often that his rectum will prolapse and hang out of his bumhole like a smelly tail or the queen’s egg sac from the Aliens or something.

Or maybe it won’t because, somewhat inevitably, OJ Simpson has decided to question his sentence with what seems like a fairly frivolous appeal. AP reports:

“This is not a frivolous appeal,” Yale Galanter, Simpson’s lawyer, said. “There were some grave errors made by Judge (Jackie) Glass, and we think they are strong enough to overturn the conviction. We also think we have a shot at bail.” Galanter has cited six initial issues for appeal. The most significant concern could be the exclusion of blacks from the jury selection.

Oh, don’t pretend that you didn’t see this coming – the court was asking for trouble when it filled the jury with nothing but angry white people. But whether or not it’s enough to warrant a retrial remains to be seen.

But if it does, the court will need to get a wriggle on – given the sheer amount of fake heart attacks that characterised his trial, the court runs the risk of losing several important witnesses to anything from fake cardiac arrests to fake spontaneous human combustion, and nobody wants that.

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OJ Simpson should be doing all his favourite things today – it might be his last day of freedom forever.

Obviously that won’t happen – OJ Simpson’s favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages – but it’s his last chance.

Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ’s lawyers are pleading for leniency – after all, it’s not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?

It’s time to say goodbye to the OJ Simpson we know and love – you know, the one who was held legally responsible for the murder of his ex-wife, and then wrote a book about stabbing her to death – because he’s not going to be around for a while.

Later today OJ Simpson will be swapping a life of leisure, wide open spaces and nobody really making eye contact with him because they think he probably murdered his wife for a new life; a life of mailbag-stitching, claustrophobic spaces and sharing a tiny room with a mentally-challenged seven-foot arsonist who can’t make up his mind whether he wants to stab OJ Simpson with a razorblade attached to a partially-melted toothbrush or habitually sex him up the bum against his will.

Ever since OJ Simpson was found guilty of 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping two months ago, following his hopelessly botched attempt to retrieve some memorabilia from a hotel room, this day was always going to be an inevitability.

Today at noon, Las Vegas time, OJ Simpson will be given his jail sentence. The length of his sentence is still a mystery, but observers are currently pitching their guesses between the ‘six-year’ and the ‘until mankind is removed from the planet by a race of superintelligent deathbots’ marks. AP reports:

Simpson attorney Yale Galanter has said his client won’t address the court. Stewart will, said his lawyer, Brent Bryson. “Best-case scenario we’re hoping for is six years. That’s the bottom-end number before being eligible for parole,” Bryson said… Judge Glass, known for giving severe sentences, can ignore or accept a recommendation from the state parole agency calling for at least 18 years.

It doesn’t look good for OJ Simpson, we have to say – given the severity and sheer number of charges he’s been found guilty of, coupled with what some see as a lingering unspoken resentment over his previous murder acquittal, he should probably start preparing for the worst.

OK, not the worst, exactly – the worst would be if he avoided jail and immediately set about making a follow-up to his hidden-camera prank show DVD Juiced – but the second-worst, at least.

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Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson’s that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up – turns out he did it.

By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example – the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

So that’s that, then. The jury in the OJ Simpson has found OJ guilty of all 12 charges. Who knew angry white folk could be so mean? Thanks to the jury’s verdict, OJ Simpson could be looking at life in jail when sentencing rolls around in December.

It’s an epic fall from grace for the man who, just last year, was living the high life only achieved by the select few who dare to write books on how they’d like to stab their already-murdered ex-wife to death if they had the chance. And now he might just spend the rest of his life behind bars.

The lesson from this is clear – if you ever want to burst into a hotel room with a gang of armed men to steal hundreds of sports memorabilia items, try to make sure that nobody’s secretly taping it at the same time. Because ultimately, as the jury pointed out, that’s what did OJ Simpson in. Sportingnews reports:

Jurors who convicted O.J. Simpson of armed robbery and kidnapping said Sunday they did not trust witness testimony in the case, and instead relied on audio and video recordings and other documented evidence to convict him. Jury foreman Paul Connelly said it was perhaps a waste for prosecutors to have given plea deals to several Simpson co-defendants in exchange for their testimony, since the jury did not rely on it.

What? You mean the court could have simply played the audio tape to the jury and they would have reached the same verdict? And we still had to wade through weeks and weeks of watching flabby old hasbeen wiseguys stumble around on the verge of heart attacks? That hardly seems like the most efficient way to go about business, does it?

Anyway, OJ Simpson is said to be ‘melancholy’ at the verdict, and he’s planning to appeal based on several factors including the racial mix of the jury and that some jurors may have believed this conviction was payback for his double murder acquittal five years ago.

That won’t happen for a while, though – appeals can’t be processed until sentencing, which won’t happen until December – so until then, OJ Simpson will have to remain in jail. That won’t be especially fun for OJ, because he’s apparently being kept away from other prisoners for his own safety.

Not because they want to kill him or anything, you understand, but because all the other prisoners are such big fans of OJ Simpson’s hidden camera prank DVD Juiced that they’d be constantly pestering him for an autograph at all hours of the day.

In fact, that’s what saddens us most about this conviction – it means OJ Simpson won’t be able to make any more volumes of Juiced. He could try it in prison, we guess, but having each prank end with the furious victim anally brutalising OJ Simpson in the municipal showers as a horrifically violent revenge act would probably get quite old quite fast.

OJ Simpson’s Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury – it’s now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn’t do or killed his wife or whatever.

The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed – in that they weren’t really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they’d rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally – finally – make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting.

So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson’s fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can’t they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we’re losing all sensation in our feet.

In all of history, mean-looking white people have never made a decision as important as this one. And not the decision about whether OJ Simpson burst in on a hotel room with a gang of armed men as part of an armed robbery, or merely burst in on a hotel room with a gang of men who were armed against his knowledge to recover some of his own belongings in a legal yet somewhat heavyhanded transaction.

No, the important decision that the OJ Simpson jury has to reach is this – can they all reach a unanimous verdict as quickly as possible. They really should, you know, because everyone’s bored and autumn’s drawing in and the days are getting shorter and we’ve all got better things to do than watch what’s essentially a version of the plot of the Disney movie Wild Hogs that culminates in an alleged armed robbery.

Honestly, if the OJ Simpson trial has convinced of anything, it’s that we’re never going to pick a bunch of middle-aged men to be our goons in any of our future hotel room raids. First they all stab you in the back and then their litany of cardiac problems mean they’re basically too doddery and confused to actually be of any use to anyone anyway.

But hey, all this is in the hands of the jury now and, as BBC News reports, they’ve been sent away with the same of dreary cack they’ve been listening to for weeks ringing in their ears:

Prosecutor Chris Owens urged the jury to convict Mr Simpson, denouncing him for “arrogance” for thinking he could commit a crime “against the dignity and the peace of the state of Nevada”. “The kind of arrogance… that would make them think they could come in and get away with this kind of crime and that nobody would report it and they thought they could spin it that, ‘It’s all OK; It was my stuff’,” he said.

So we just have to wait and see what happens. But, actually, you know what? We’re probably going to be held in contempt of court for this, but we’d really like it if OJ Simpson was found innocent, please. That’s because we want him to keep releasing several more installments of his hilarious hidden camera pranks show Juiced.

That way, if he really is innocent, he’ll get to keep entertaining the public the way he always wanted to. And if he’s really guilty he’ll get to live the rest of his life knowing that he’s been reduced to churning out piss-weak, zero-budget DVDs that make a mockery of all his prior achievements and that nobody will ever genuinely enjoy. That’s probably worse than prison, to be honest.

10 – Wayne Coyne discusses fake blood. Again – Popsugar

9 - Anonymous philanthropist donates 200 kidneys to a hospital. In a binbag – The Onion

8 - A child shooting himself in the genitals – I Am Bored

7 - Finally! Driveshaft get the recognition they deserve – EW

6 - The logical reaction to watching this advert: Smash! Punch! Hate! Punch! Aw, Sarah Silverman is lovely. Hate! Idiot! Smash! Smug! Gah! This video is so bad it made us want to move to America for long enough to become American citizens, just so we can parade up and down outside Demi Bastard Moore‘s house taunting her because we deliberately went out of our way to not vote. Seriously, this infuriated us so much we think we’re currently crapping blood.

5 – Also, how to overcome resentment – Thinksimplenow

4 - Haha Rick Astley is so funny because he’s bad lol. LOL! LOL when we say LOL!  - BBC

3 – Hey, look, a testicle cookbook - Daily Mail

2 - The perfect ice-to-drink ratio. Thanks, science! – Wired

1 – OJ Simpson‘s hidden camera pranks show. We’re not joking – Best Week Ever

The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon – finally – something interesting might actually happen soon.

It’s doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn’t have been – a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun – but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud.

To be fair, though, we hear that’s because he’s saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here’s How It Either Happened Or Would’ve Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.

We get the feeling that OJ Simpson might be suffering from Difficult Second Criminal Trial Syndrome at the moment. His debut was such a belter – the biggest trial of the century, some say, and for a double murder, too – that the follow-up was always going to be an anti-climax.

That’s not to say that OJ Simpson put the effort in. If he’s found guilty of the charges laid against him, OJ Simpson will spend the rest of his life in jail, and you have to admit that bursting in on a hotel room with a gang of gun-wielding thugs and holding people against their will is a pretty good charge.

But the closing arguments in the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means that the whole trial has more or less vanished in a cloud of featureless smoke. Sure, it tried to be interesting at points – a bloke nearly had a heart attack, for instance, and another bloke claimed that his heart attack made his brain go all loopy – but that hardly counts.

And even yesterday witnesses were still trying for a last shot at something memorable – as the LA Times reports, OJ Simpson’s friend Tom Scotto decided to tell the court about the time when a couple of OJ’s henchmen turned prosecution witnesses decided to shake him down for $50,000 “or else”:

Michael McClinton and Walter Alexander, Scotto testified Wednesday, twice ushered him away from his pre-wedding party and into the backyard. McClinton, Scotto said, told him, “You know me, Tom, but you don’t know me that well.” Their faces were inches apart. “I’m a street [expletive] and I’ll shoot everybody up.”

We don’t know about you, but we’d love to hear what that deleted expletive was. None of them really fit as a suffix to the word ‘street’, apart from possibly ‘fart,’ ‘whore’ or ‘tampon’. If you know what it was, do tell us.

Anyway, will Scotto’s testimony affect the jury, who are set to start their deliberations later today? Who knows. Some are predicting that the whole OJ Simpson trial will end in a hung jury, which we’re praying doesn’t happen because it means we’ll have to go through this whole dreary palaver all over again.

Whatever happens, though, we’re hoping that something exciting comes along before the trial finishes. Even if one of the jurors just gets their bum out. Jurors, if you’re reading, one of you get your bum out.

There’s only one thing keeping us interested in the OJ Simpson trial, you know – and that’s good old fashioned acute myocardial infarction.

Just a few days after one witness in the OJ Simpson trial called a halt to proceedings because he was too busy clutching his chest and gasping for air, another witness has decided to blame everything on his dodgy heart, too. OJ Simpson’s co-defendant Charles Ehrlich says that he can’t really remember the Las Vegas hotel room raid in much detail because he’s had a couple of heart attacks and they’ve made him all forgetful.

Whoever came up with this heart attack idea is a genius, because now we don’t know what the hell’s going on at all. Except for one thing – if OJ Simpson really wants to be found innocent, he should be sure to slowly cough his own heart up and out into his hands if he ever has to testify. It’s probably the only way.

Back when he was arrested for it, the notion that OJ Simpson gathered together a gang of armed thugs to raid a hotel room, hold everyone hostage and steal a number of sports memorabilia items seemed completely absurd. If it happened the way police were making out, OJ Simpson was always going to be caught and punished for it.

But now that we’re some way into the actual trial, OJ Simpson is looking more and more like a mastermind. Why? Because it looks like he chose a gang of middle-aged men with a series of health complaints to raid a couple of old men with even more health complaints. And, as a result, nobody can remember anything.

For instance, Bruce Fromong’s heart attack scare destroyed the momentum of his testimony on the first day of the OJ Simpson trial and, as such, nobody can really remember what he was banging on about. And now Charles Ehrlich, the man who spent most of Monday saying that OJ Simpson knew about the guns involved in the alleged crime, is trying to pull a similar trick. AP reports:

Ehrlich said he had posed questions to middleman Thomas Riccio about the planned meeting at a room in the Palace Station Hotel Casino. But when Galanter asked what the questions were, Ehrlich protested…”That was a year ago.” Since then, he said, he had two heart attacks and conceded some things have become “foggy” in his memory.

Whew! Thank God for multiple heart attacks, huh? Actually, because of all these shenanigans we’ve decided that we don’t actually care whether OJ Simpson is found innocent or guilty of this crime any more, because the trial has already taught us more than we thought we’d ever learn about crime. Heart attacks make you forgetful.

It’s true – we’re going to take down the local Natwest on Friday and we need to form a gang first. Barry Pacemaker, Don The Frail, Emphysemic Terry, Bobby Fourscars, Angioplasty Maud, break out of the nursing home and be at ours by 7:30. We’re cooking some special pre-job bacon-wrapped cheesesteaks! Delicious!