Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.
See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.
However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.
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Oprah Winfrey has been shooting her mouth off saying that she’s going to get OJ Simpson to confess to his dirty murder on her television show, but alas, someone has already beaten her to it.
That source is the Daily Mail. And the National Enquirer. They never tell lies do they? They would’ve been told-off by someone official if so. This means we can take their words and reprint them as gospel.
So yeah, the words ‘I killed Nicole’ have been uttered by OJ ‘Glove Problems’ Simpson, which is nice. Is someone going to arrest him again… or something? We don’t know the protocol and can’t be bothered to find out. Simpson hasn’t just confessed, he’s allegedly spoken about how he did it. Step right this way gore fans!
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Everyone think OJ Simpson committed those murders right, despite the fact he never got collared for it. Even the gloves that didn’t fit his American Football playing hands are under the impression he’s guilty.
Even an adult actress, who performed under the name ‘Devon Shire’ (you should see her cream custard) thinks he did it. Even OJ himself isn’t sure, once saying: ‘Let’s say I committed this crime… even if I did this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?”
Oprah Winfrey is under the impression OJ is a killer, saying that she wants to get him to confess to it while being interviewed by her. That would be something wouldn’t it? Oprah getting the goods the police force never could? Well, she did inadvertently make Tom Cruise jump around on a sofa like a man-possessed.
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Poor old O.J. Simpson. He’ll forever be remember as That Man Who Couldn’t Get A Pair Of Gloves To Fit Him. Oh, we shouldn’t forget that he did that really funny wheelchair skit in the Naked Gun film.
Oh, and there’s that whole murder business. And kidnapping and armed robbery. Oh, and NFL football. Mustn’t forget that.
And now, there’s been mutterings that ol’ O.J. has been beaten to little more than a bloody stain on the floor while in prison. Racially motivated too (some readers may be a different skin colour to Simpson, just in case you were confused). And what’s this? O.J. Simpson finds it all very amusing? What is he? Some kind of pervert who gets off on violence?
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It’s long been fairly common knowledge and source of minor irony that O.J. Simpson was originally in the running to play the cyborg in The Terminator, only to be denied by director James Cameron who thought that Simpson was just ‘too nice’.
Is his face red now.
But that didn’t stopped him from blabbing about it all over the TV recently, naturally.
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Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview.
Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris?
Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread…
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Imagine a world where OJ Simpson wasn’t allowed to run around freely with the wind billowing in his hair.
What a rubbish world that would be. Sports memorabilia dealers would be able to conduct hotel room transactions without the constant threat of being raided by a disgraced celebrity and his gang of armed thugs. Nobody would write books explaining how they’d murder their ex-wife if they’d murdered them before they were actually murdered. Sadly, since OJ Simpson was imprisoned, that’s the world we live in now.
But not for long – OJ Simpson might be released from jail soon! Hooray!
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This may come as a shock, but apparently Hulk Hogan isn’t most famous for his intelligent thought-processes.
And that’s not the only shock. Apparently spending your entire career feigning deafness, ripping a series of deliberately flimsy T-shirts in half and calling everyone ‘Hulkamaniac’ regardless of level of mania might – just might – make you say the occasional ill-advised thing. Like, ooh, that if OJ Simpson killed his wife then you can totally sympathise with him because your ex-wife can be a bit of a bitch sometimes too.
Yes. Hulk Hogan said that. To Rolling Stone magazine. On purpose, presumably. Nice chap.
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