Articles tagged with: OJ Simpson
What Should Chris Brown Do Next? Discussed
Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview. Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris? Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread...
Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview. Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris? Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread...
If OJ Simpson Is Released From Jail, Here’s How It’d Happen
Imagine a world where OJ Simpson wasn't allowed to run around freely with the wind billowing in his hair. What a rubbish world that would be. Sports memorabilia dealers would be able to conduct hotel room transactions without the constant threat of being raided by a disgraced celebrity and his gang of armed thugs. Nobody would write books explaining how they'd murder their ex-wife if they'd murdered them before they were actually murdered. Sadly, since OJ Simpson was imprisoned, that's the world we live in now. But not for long - OJ Simpson might be released from jail soon! Hooray!
Imagine a world where OJ Simpson wasn't allowed to run around freely with the wind billowing in his hair. What a rubbish world that would be. Sports memorabilia dealers would be able to conduct hotel room transactions without the constant threat of being raided by a disgraced celebrity and his gang of armed thugs. Nobody would write books explaining how they'd murder their ex-wife if they'd murdered them before they were actually murdered. Sadly, since OJ Simpson was imprisoned, that's the world we live in now. But not for long - OJ Simpson might be released from jail soon! Hooray!
Hey Wife-Murderers, Hulk Hogan’s Totally On Your Side
This may come as a shock, but apparently Hulk Hogan isn't most famous for his intelligent thought-processes. And that's not the only shock. Apparently spending your entire career feigning deafness, ripping a series of deliberately flimsy T-shirts in half and calling everyone 'Hulkamaniac' regardless of level of mania might - just might - make you say the occasional ill-advised thing. Like, ooh, that if OJ Simpson killed his wife then you can totally sympathise with him because your ex-wife can be a bit of a bitch sometimes too. Yes. Hulk Hogan said that. To Rolling Stone magazine. On purpose, presumably. Nice chap.
This may come as a shock, but apparently Hulk Hogan isn't most famous for his intelligent thought-processes. And that's not the only shock. Apparently spending your entire career feigning deafness, ripping a series of deliberately flimsy T-shirts in half and calling everyone 'Hulkamaniac' regardless of level of mania might - just might - make you say the occasional ill-advised thing. Like, ooh, that if OJ Simpson killed his wife then you can totally sympathise with him because your ex-wife can be a bit of a bitch sometimes too. Yes. Hulk Hogan said that. To Rolling Stone magazine. On purpose, presumably. Nice chap.
OJ Simpson’s Appealing (No, Not Like That)
So that's that, then - the next time you see OJ Simpson will be somewhere in the tiny window between 2017 and 2041. On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year's bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we're looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What's My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny. That's unless OJ Simpson's appeal is successful. Oh, didn't we mention that part?
So that's that, then - the next time you see OJ Simpson will be somewhere in the tiny window between 2017 and 2041. On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year's bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we're looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What's My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny. That's unless OJ Simpson's appeal is successful. Oh, didn't we mention that part?
Will OJ Simpson Get Chucked In The Slammer Forever Today?
OJ Simpson should be doing all his favourite things today - it might be his last day of freedom forever. Obviously that won't happen - OJ Simpson's favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages - but it's his last chance. Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ's lawyers are pleading for leniency - after all, it's not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?
OJ Simpson should be doing all his favourite things today - it might be his last day of freedom forever. Obviously that won't happen - OJ Simpson's favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages - but it's his last chance. Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ's lawyers are pleading for leniency - after all, it's not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?
If OJ Simpson Did It, Here’s How It… Oh Wait, He Did Do It
Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson's that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it. By now you've probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he's being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety. But still, OJ Simpson won't find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he's been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he's always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn't Do It, Here's How It Didn't Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.
Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson's that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it. By now you've probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he's being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety. But still, OJ Simpson won't find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he's been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he's always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn't Do It, Here's How It Didn't Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.
OJ Simpson’s Boring Fate All Down To The Jury Now
OJ Simpson's Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury - it's now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn't do or killed his wife or whatever. The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed - in that they weren't really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they'd rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that's not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally - finally - make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting. So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson's fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can't they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we're losing all sensation in our feet.
OJ Simpson's Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury - it's now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn't do or killed his wife or whatever. The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed - in that they weren't really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they'd rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that's not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally - finally - make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting. So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson's fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can't they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we're losing all sensation in our feet.
WEBTHUMP! Friday 3 October 2008
10 - Wayne Coyne discusses fake blood. Again - Popsugar 9 - Anonymous philanthropist donates 200 kidneys to a hospital. In a binbag - The Onion 8 - A child shooting himself in the genitals - I Am Bored 7 - Finally! Driveshaft get the recognition they deserve - EW 6 - The logical reaction to watching this advert: Smash! Punch! Hate! Punch! Aw, Sarah Silverman ...
