Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we’ve all been waiting for – the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they’re getting divorced.

Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna’s spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We’re starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.

It’s a sad day, that’s for sure. We were hoping that all the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce stories from this morning were just rumours, and that this evening Madonna and Guy Ritchie would continue their traditional pursuit of going to the pub in stony silence facing away from each other and visibly bristling whenever they even so much as thought about one another.

But it’s not to be. Because now Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has finally put an official seal on the disastrously-managed divorce secret once and for all. The New York Daily News reports:

“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after 7 l/2 years of marrige,” Liz Rosenberg said in a statement. ”They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time. A final settlement has not been agreed upon yet.”

Of course a final settlement has not been agreed upon yet. Madonna is one of the richest women in the world, so there’s every chance that the settlement proceedings could go on for weeks. Or months, if Madonna tries to get her hands on any of the unsold Revolver DVDs that Guy Ritchie keeps in the cellar.

Anyway, now that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been made official, it’s time for the postmortem. It’ll all come out in the wash, we’re sure, but we expect that these are among the frontrunners for the the ultimate cause of divorce:

* Madonna being implicated in the Alex Rodriguez divorce.

* Madonna’s disenchantment that Guy Ritchie hasn’t fulfilled his hotshot movie director potential.

* Differing opinions on Madonna’s adopted son David Banda.

* That one time when Madonna put her hand upon Guy Ritchie in his sleep and Guy Ritchie got scared because he thought it was the hand of a corpse.

* Guy Ritchie realising that the “sex with you is incredible” line from Madonna’s newest album was sung in a mildly sarcastic tone.

* A mutual understanding that one of them looks like an angry potato and the other one looks like a test-tube of surgically-removed vagina cartilage.

Still, we’re sure we’ll find out all the dirty secrets of the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce as the news unfolds. And unfolds. And keeps unfolding. And doesn’t stop unfolding for about six weeks after everyone’s got sick of hearing about it. Just a hunch.

But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin.

Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears‘ spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.

You probably think that a baby is officially born once it emerges from the mother’s womb, all slimy and screaming, gasping its first breaths of life, right?

Well, you’re wrong if you think that, because for a birth to be official, the mayor if Nice has to come out wagging birth certificates and blabbing on about babies being born in his town. This is good if you’re newborn Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, because the mayor of Nice officially welcomed them into the world yesterday. Mayor Christian Estrosi made the following statement yesterday:

“It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens. On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event.”

Estrosi also displayed the birth certificates, which provided thrilling items such as Brad Pitt’s initials, the time of birth, and other annoying details that you are forced to endure when someone you know has a baby and you have to pleasantly tolerate obnoxious facts that apply to almost every newborn baby in the entire world like, “he came out with a full head of hair,” or “he looks just like his parents,” or “have you seen how much he poops?”

So, congrats on the Jolie-Pitt babies being officially born. Now the umbilical cords can be cut, and the Jolie-Pitt clan can divide into evenly-numbered biological vs. adopted children and fight to the death for their parents love. Go team adopted!

He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!

It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.

Babies are truly magical things. Magical bundles of noise and poo who only grow up to resent you, then move out and never call except for maybe on your birthday if they remember. But maybe that’s something we should let Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson discover for themselves, because they’re about to discover exactly that.

The cat and mouse game where we were the cat and Ashlee Simpson’s pulsating uterus was the unpleasant mouse has now come to an end. Sure, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put up a good fight, spinning out ridiculous lie after ridiculous lie like ‘Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant‘ and ‘I like to keep some things private‘ and ‘we’re getting married because we love each other‘ – but biology has won out in the end.

Because, before it becomes obvious and Ashlee Simpson starts waddling around everywhere in a bad mood because her back hurts and she keeps accidentally pissing herself, she and Pete Wentz have decided to officially confirm the pregnancy by leaving this statement on a website:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

Of course, waiting until the first trimester has passed before making an announcement is the received protocol for a pregnancy, because that’s statistically the most dangerous time for an unborn child. It’s just bad luck that the news was mysteriously leaked around the time that Pete Wentz developed a startled panicky look in his eye and bundled Ashlee Simpson through a sudden engagement into a suspiciously last-minute wedding. We’ll never know how the secret got out.

But this still means that Ashlee Simpson still has six months of pregnancy left, which is plenty of time to make preparations before the baby’s birth. And by ‘preparations’ we obviously mean ‘let Joe Simpson get ready to push it through a merciless childhood-stealing cycle of training and auditions to the obvious detriment of every other aspect of its life’. It’s the Simpson way, we hear.

Still, congratulations to Pete Wentz and especially Ashlee Simpson, who now has six months of explosive uncontrollable tantrums and screaming “Fuck OFF! Can’t you see I’m PREGNANT?” at everyone who comes within 20 feet of her to look forward to. Golden times.

It’s been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna’s adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last – now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he’ll get taken away.

We’re just kidding. It’s disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.

David Banda is one lucky chap. Ever since Madonna chose him to be the subject of her faddish interest in international adoption, literally every aspect of his life has changed for the better. When he was in Malawi, David suffered through pneumonia, malaria and tuberculosis. But since Madonna adopted him, David’s been able to hang out with Guy Ritchie every day – and that’s only as bad as having pneumonia, malaria or tuberculosis. Yes sir, that David Banda is one lucky son of a gun.

And now David officially belongs to Madonna. When she initially won David in a Malawian Lucky Claw fairground game in 2006, various human rights groups claimed that Madonna had bent international adoption law to get him, that she was wilfully manipulating his easily-confused biological father and that he’d be nothing more than one of those accessories that Madonna gets bored with and ditches after a short while, like military berets or Sandra Bernhard.

As such, Madonna wasn’t fully allowed to adopt David Banda until the High Court in Malawi had deemed her to be a suitable mother. And now, almost two years later, that’s what has happened – Madonna has been given full adoption rights of David Banda. BBC News reports:

“We are very happy with what the judge has ruled,” Alan Chinula told reporters outside the courthouse in Malawi’s capital Lilongwe. “It is a positive and beautiful judgment that will have an impact on Malawi’s adoption laws,” Chinula said. “Finally the court has granted Madonna full adoption rights of the boy – it’s a long judgement but I am quite happy with it.”

So that’s it – David Banda is now officially Madonna’s son and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Finally, it means that Madonna can dress David Banda up as a glittery leopard and make him dance like a robot in her next video like she’s always wanted instead of having to pretend that she cares about Malawi all the time. Because, come on, that’s a snore and a half!

Oh, we’re only joking. Madonna is a very capable parent so we’re sure that she’ll remember to constantly remind David about where he’s from and the conditions that his less fortunate countrymen have to work in.

If she’s really smart, Madonna will also make sure that David doesn’t lose the ability to speak his native language either, because it’ll be a heartrending moment when David Banda returns to Malawi as a young man, sees his old playmates struggling to survive in the face of overwhelming odds, gently places a hand on the shoulder of disease-stricken local and says in fluent Chichewa, “You mean you people don’t have brand new toilet seats installed every time you need to shit? Fuck me, you’re disgusting! Mummy, take me home this instant, I feel all dirty.”

But, people, guess what – Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins!

And this time it’s official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.

Here are three things we know about Angelina Jolie:

1) Angelina Jolie is pregnant.

2) Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins.

3) Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twin girls.

Oh, and:

4) That new Angelina Jolie movie Wanted doesn’t look very good at all.

But anyway, even though everyone already knew that, Jack Black has inadvertently caused Angelina Jolie to officially confirm that she’s pregnant with twins during a Cannes interview to promote Kung-Fu Panda, which we believe to be everyone’s cue to be all like “What? Pregnant? Twins, you say? We think we need to sit down for a moment as the magnitude of this wholly unexpected news has made us quite giddy.” The Boston Herald reports:

[Angelina's] “Kung Fu Panda” co-star Jack Black let the news slip during their tandem promotional interview and Jolie, the mother of four, had no choice but to confirm the news. “You’re gonna have as many as (the) ‘Brady Bunch’ when you have these,” Jack joked during the sit-down… “It’s confirmed? Is it two?,” Natalie asked. “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already,” said the United Nations Earth Mother. “Well, Jack’s just confirmed it, actually.”

Yeah, nice one Jack Black. Congratulations for blabbing all of your co-star’s poorly-kept intimacies. What next? Are you going to use a joint interview to describe how Dustin Hoffman’s hair is really made out of weasel pubes? Or how Jackie Chan trawls through dustbins at night for dirty nappies so he can wipe them all over his delighted face? Even though neither of these things are true? Huh? Huh Jack Black? Huh?

Anyway, now the secret about Angelina Jolie’s unborn twins is out and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. Sure, there’s a chance that Angelina will pay a little Afghan orphan to climb into her birth canal eight months in, and order him to wait around for a few weeks and then crawl out when she gives birth to make it look like she’s actually had triplets, but that hardly seems very likely now, does it?

Really, Angelina Jolie should be pleased that the news is out, because now the glossy magazines have some advance warning to save up for the inevitable cover-shoot photo deal, which will now cost twice as much as before.

And it’s advance warning for all of us, too – if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having two babies instead of one, that means that in a few months we’ll all be unceremoniously bumped down two places in the world attractiveness rankings rather than the single place we were anticipating. Now we have a bit more time to prepare for such a crippling blow to our self-esteem. Stupid good-looking babies.

Read more:

It’s official: Twins on board for Jolie – Boston Herald

Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married and they’ve both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they’re actually married or not.

And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.

There’s nothing like a good old mystery to get the public’s juices going, even if it’s a rubbish mystery about whether or not two people who live together have signed a bit of paper that says they’re very slightly more of a couple than they were before because God says they are. And that’s exactly what we had with Jay-Z and Beyonce, bless ‘em.

Although they’ve been a couple for several years and can’t seem to go more than three or four seconds without appearing on the other one’s songs, there’s been a constant fascination with Jay-Z and Beyonce’s marital status. Most wedding reports turned out to be fake, but then last month Jay-Z and Beyonce took out a marriage license in New York. Did this mean that Jay-Z and Beyonce were really getting married? Nobody knew.

OK, that’s a lie. Everybody knew. Everybody knew because Mary J Blige confirmed it onstage during a concert and then the wedding florist wouldn’t shut up about it either. Plus Beyonce’s wedding ring is the size of a baby’s skull. Plus, you know, everybody knew. Just because Jay-Z and Beyonce didn’t confirmed it doesn’t mean that it was as obvious as the warts on your mother’s face.

And now it’s just got obviouser, because the marriage license has been filed and the woman who does the filing is all like blah blah blah, as E! Online reports:

While the newlyweds have yet to confirm or deny—or make any comment whatsoever on—their marital status, E! News has confirmed the superstar duo quietly filed their signed wedding license in Scarsdale, N.Y., Friday afternoon. “Yes, we did receive it back,” Scarsdale Town Clerk Donna Conkling said. “We do have public information on our marriage applicants, and that’s one of the things we can confirm.” The license, which arrived at Scarsdale Town Hall in the mail, confirms what we reported on the happy day: namely, that Shawn Carter made Beyoncé Knowles his missus.

So the mystery has been well and truly solved – Jay-Z and Beyonce are totally married. Does this mean that we can all hang up our deerstalkers and magnifying glasses now? Of course not – the celebrity world is always full of mysteries that need to be solved. Next mystery on the list: What’s up with Katie Holmes‘ hair? It’s all, like, totally retarded and shit.

Read more:

Beyonc̩ & Jay-Z: Licensed and Wed РE! Online