Articles tagged with: official
Madonna/Guy Ritchie Divorce: And There’s Your Confirmation
Well that wasn't long - just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we've all been waiting for - the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they're getting divorced. Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna's spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We're starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.
Well that wasn't long - just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we've all been waiting for - the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they're getting divorced. Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna's spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We're starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.
Nice’s Mayor Makes Jolie-Pitt Twin Birth Official, Just So You Know
The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it. But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin. Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears' spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.
The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it. But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin. Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears' spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.
Ashlee Simpson Definitely Pregnant With Wentzbaby No.1
Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months - but now the mystery is over. He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant! It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn't confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it's out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.
Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months - but now the mystery is over. He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant! It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn't confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it's out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.
Madonna Gets To Keep Her Adopted Malawian Boy-Slave
Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna's arm all veiny and crap - Madonna's won her adoption case! It's been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna's adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last - now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he'll get taken away. We're just kidding. It's disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna's arm all veiny and crap - Madonna's won her adoption case! It's been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna's adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last - now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he'll get taken away. We're just kidding. It's disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
Angelina Jolie Officially Pregnant With Twins! Twiiiiins!
Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. But, people, guess what - Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins! And this time it's official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.
Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. But, people, guess what - Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins! And this time it's official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.
Jay-Z & Beyonce Really Married After All, Then
Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently - sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure. Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married and they've both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they're actually married or not. And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.
Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently - sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure. Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married and they've both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they're actually married or not. And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.
