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Number Ones

When buying tickets for a gig billed as “Number Ones Tour”, you’d expect the evening to be a musical extravaganza where the arena quickly becomes a mass karaoke session with the punters singing back towards the performer.

Well, that would be correct in nearly every instance apart from when Janet Jackson is involved.

At times we sometimes forget that she is a member of the Jackson tribe because, of all the wacky gang, she ranks fairly low on the list in terms of talent and fame. Michael Jackson grabbed most of the families singing and dancing ability, leaving Janet to feed on the scraps that aren’t good enough to be b-sides. Imagine our surprise when we saw a poster advertising a new Janet Jackson number one tour. We didn’t realise she had enough fans to dint the top forty, let alone the number one spot.

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Mariah Carey Elvis Presley Number Ones Touch My BodyElvis Presley may have shaped the modern notion of what popular music is, but was he ever the cover star of a '100 Hottest Body Tips From The Stars' special issue of People magazine?

No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.

And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either – Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true – Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!  

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