number one - HecklerSpray

One Direction Land US No.1 To Show That World’s Population Is One Giant Idiot Hamper

March 21st, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

This failing planet is filled with a dying species called Humans. They’ll listen to any ol’ tosh. Just take the news that?One Direction have become the first UK pop group to debut at number one on the US album chart.

We look to America for guidance and every single time, we catch them with their trousers down, eating grease burgers on the can, burping at their ballbags and throwing a shrug.

Meanwhile, Harry Style’s continues his bid to take over the entire world while he has sex with all the women three times his age. These are worrying times.

Bruce Springsteen Hates The British Armed Forces And Scores Number One In The Process

March 12th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Sweet Moses on crutches, Bruce Springsteen has gone and topped the UK album charts with his new release ‘Wrecking Ball’, thereby underlining just how grotesquely dead rock music is at the moment.

The sweaty old busted-lung scored his ninth number one LP on these shores, showing that idiocy and a lack of taste is definitely not a new thing in the world.

And, to add insult to injury, The Boss’ chart-topper shows his thorough and absolute contempt for the British Army.

Did You Hear The One About Kanye West Letting Britney Spears Go To Number One?

January 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Kanye West has flung a fair amount of shit while in the public eye. No-one will let him forget his stroppy little tirade when he got all up in Taylor Swift’s face (thereby provoking one of the lamest beefs in pop history).

And lately, Kanye’s twitter account has been a rich source of, well, nonsense. He’s waxed lyrical about being wounded and hurt and pretty much anything else that pops into his funny little brain.

And people have been dragging him over hot coals after he said that he’d allowed Britney Spears to go to number one in the Billboard chart.

Cliff Richard, Number One!

November 23rd, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Despite holding a genuine old person bus pass, smelling of wee and forgetting where he puts his slippers on a regular basis, Cliff Richard has somehow topped the charts again. No, honest.

He’s become the number one bestseller in the hotly contested ?battle of who can sell the most overpriced calendar to people you don't really like enough to buy a proper present for, but y?know, it'll do, it's almost Christmas and you want to go and get smashed on eggnog and crap homemade mulled wine? chart.

Weird, right?? You?d have thought all of his fans were dead by now.

America Likes Britney Spears Enough To Make Her Number 1

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s good to end your year better than you started it – Britney Spears has, but only because she was cheating.

Britney Spears’ 2008 is ending with her new album Circus at number one in America – and she’s also the first ever SoundScan artist to have four albums sell 500,000 week-one copies.

So well done – Britney Spears’ year has ended better than it started. But then again she did start it in a mental hospital – Britney could have caught Ebola off a rabid zombie meerkat while falling down a lift shaft and the year would have still been an upswing for her.

Womanizer By Britney Spears: She’s Number One! She’s Number One!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There are all kinds of ways to tell if your comeback has been successful, but Britney Spears has easily just found the best one.

Britney’s big new comeback single Womanizer has jumped 95 places in the American singles chart to reach number one. And you know what they say – when a song that sounds like Professor Stephen Hawking‘s faulty voicebox being jumpstarted by a big spluttering clown-car engine gets to number one, you’ve probably been accepted by the general population to some extent.

And now that Womanizer‘s number one position is the cherry on Britney Spears’ public rehabilitation cake, it’s time for her to celebrate. How? The same way she always does – by shaving her head, mashing anti-psychotic drugs into her food and trapping her own children in a bathroom until she’s sedated and taken to a mental hospital. Hooray!

Bangkok Dangerous Kicks The Poo Out Of Weekend Box Office

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nicolas Cage apparently lives in Bath, but everyone knows that his real home is the top of the weekend box office. Or a wig shop. Who knows?

Anyway, We’re only telling you this because Nicolas Cage’s new film Bangkok Dangerous is number one at the US weekend box office this week, taking in a mighty seven million dollars. Look, that figure might be 22 times less than The Dark Knight took on its opening weekend, but did The Dark Knight feature a skinny man in a funny wig shooting people in a boat? No, no it didn’t. Point proved.

Bangkok Dangerous‘ weekend box office success makes us think that all Asian movies would do well if they were remade starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine Nicolas Cage eating a live octopus in an Old Boy remake. Or Nicolas Cage kicking over cities in a Godzilla remake. Or a remake of The Ring where Nicolas Cage crawls out of a TV and scares Nicolas Cage to death and Nicolas Cage has to investigate it. Yes!

Megan Fox Apparently Rather Sexy Now

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you watched the Transformers movie, then you’ll have noticed how sexy Megan Fox is.

Well, maybe not. Maybe you’ll have been too busy noticing how much enjoyment Michael Bay was taking in stomping all over your beloved childhood memories by filling the movie with piddle jokes and confusing Ebonics-speaking robots who enjoy watching teenagers have sex. Anyhow, Megan Fox was also in Transformers and she was sexy.

And that sexiness is official, because the results of FHM‘s 100 Sexiest Women In The World poll has just been released, and Megan Fox is number one. Congratulations, then, to Megan Fox, who can now go to sleep at night knowing that more gawky teenage boys furiously masturbate to disturbing imagined adolescent sexual scenarios involving her than anyone else. Masturbate and then cry. Or is that just us?

America Quite Likes Leona Lewis’ Soppy Songs

March 25th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.

And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!

Leona Lewis Does Quite Well In America

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Top that, crying bad-haired Scottish boy whose name we can't even remember – Leona Lewis, who won X Factor before you is number one in America.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.

It's worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she'll reach the same dizzying heights. That's right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.