Kanye West has flung a fair amount of shit while in the public eye. No-one will let him forget his stroppy little tirade when he got all up in Taylor Swift’s face (thereby provoking one of the lamest beefs in pop history).
And lately, Kanye’s twitter account has been a rich source of, well, nonsense. He’s waxed lyrical about being wounded and hurt and pretty much anything else that pops into his funny little brain.
And people have been dragging him over hot coals after he said that he’d allowed Britney Spears to go to number one in the Billboard chart.
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Despite holding a genuine old person bus pass, smelling of wee and forgetting where he puts his slippers on a regular basis, Cliff Richard has somehow topped the charts again. No, honest.
He’s become the number one bestseller in the hotly contested ‘battle of who can sell the most overpriced calendar to people you don’t really like enough to buy a proper present for, but y’know, it’ll do, it’s almost Christmas and you want to go and get smashed on eggnog and crap homemade mulled wine’ chart.
Weird, right? You’d have thought all of his fans were dead by now.
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It’s good to end your year better than you started it – Britney Spears has, but only because she was cheating.
Britney Spears’ 2008 is ending with her new album Circus at number one in America – and she’s also the first ever SoundScan artist to have four albums sell 500,000 week-one copies.
So well done – Britney Spears’ year has ended better than it started. But then again she did start it in a mental hospital – Britney could have caught Ebola off a rabid zombie meerkat while falling down a lift shaft and the year would have still been an upswing for her.
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There are all kinds of ways to tell if your comeback has been successful, but Britney Spears has easily just found the best one.
Britney’s big new comeback single Womanizer has jumped 95 places in the American singles chart to reach number one. And you know what they say – when a song that sounds like Professor Stephen Hawking‘s faulty voicebox being jumpstarted by a big spluttering clown-car engine gets to number one, you’ve probably been accepted by the general population to some extent.
And now that Womanizer‘s number one position is the cherry on Britney Spears’ public rehabilitation cake, it’s time for her to celebrate. How? The same way she always does – by shaving her head, mashing anti-psychotic drugs into her food and trapping her own children in a bathroom until she’s sedated and taken to a mental hospital. Hooray!
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Nicolas Cage apparently lives in Bath, but everyone knows that his real home is the top of the weekend box office. Or a wig shop. Who knows?
Anyway, We’re only telling you this because Nicolas Cage’s new film Bangkok Dangerous is number one at the US weekend box office this week, taking in a mighty seven million dollars. Look, that figure might be 22 times less than The Dark Knight took on its opening weekend, but did The Dark Knight feature a skinny man in a funny wig shooting people in a boat? No, no it didn’t. Point proved.
Bangkok Dangerous‘ weekend box office success makes us think that all Asian movies would do well if they were remade starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine Nicolas Cage eating a live octopus in an Old Boy remake. Or Nicolas Cage kicking over cities in a Godzilla remake. Or a remake of The Ring where Nicolas Cage crawls out of a TV and scares Nicolas Cage to death and Nicolas Cage has to investigate it. Yes!
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If you watched the Transformers movie, then you’ll have noticed how sexy Megan Fox is.
Well, maybe not. Maybe you’ll have been too busy noticing how much enjoyment Michael Bay was taking in stomping all over your beloved childhood memories by filling the movie with piddle jokes and confusing Ebonics-speaking robots who enjoy watching teenagers have sex. Anyhow, Megan Fox was also in Transformers and she was sexy.
And that sexiness is official, because the results of FHM‘s 100 Sexiest Women In The World poll has just been released, and Megan Fox is number one. Congratulations, then, to Megan Fox, who can now go to sleep at night knowing that more gawky teenage boys furiously masturbate to disturbing imagined adolescent sexual scenarios involving her than anyone else. Masturbate and then cry. Or is that just us?
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If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.
And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!
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Top that, crying bad-haired Scottish boy whose name we can't even remember – Leona Lewis, who won X Factor before you is number one in America.
Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.
It's worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she'll reach the same dizzying heights. That's right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.
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