Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants.

See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M.

A number of women have stopped worrying about the patriarchy long enough to admire Beckham’s bulge and sigh with feint arousal everytime they see it. So what does David have to say about it? Well, it doesn’t involve stuffing but it does involve his daughter.

While womenfolk rail against the appearance of naked girls in print, they simultaneously objectify men like there ain’t a thing to it. The gays of the world objectify everything because they’re brilliant at it and make no apology about it.

For straighty woman though, there’s this confusion over whether or not its okay to lust after a half-naked human. The selling of female flesh by the pound is bad, but musing on whether Becks’ stuffs his package is completely fine.

And on that score, Beckham has proudly proclaimed that he has never stuffed his pants to make his manhood look bigger.

Referring to comedian James Corden – who parodied him in a shoot, who admitted to stuffing socks in the underwear – David said:

“I’ve never, ever done a James and padded out my pants, or shoved socks down there though. I’ve never had to for any of the photoshoots I’ve done because, hopefully, I don’t need to. Well, let’s just say I’ve been told I don’t need any help in that department. I think I’m pretty OK!”

Of course, there’ll be women dribbling down their blouses at the thought of a massive schlong hiding behind those briefs. However, if you have half a brain, you’ll note that, in Beckham’s shots, his gruds appear to be filled with 90% balls. Does that mean Beckham has a genital region that looks like a jug spout grafted onto a hot-air balloon?

Either way, ol’ Davey B wasn’t finished talking about underwear. He’s quite the raconteur you know?

“Victoria loves me in long johns. I like wearing the normal, short briefs but she reckons she likes me better wearing the long johns! She makes me wear them around the house. But that’s OK because they’re comfortable and keep you warm.”

Frost/Nixon, eat your heart out.

And still he wasn’t finished! No, he wanted to talk about the fact that his daughter should be thoroughly ashamed of the naked human body. Talking about how he used to walk around his house naked, he said:

“My naked days are over. I definitely walk around the house in my underwear. But not naked. With the boys it’s not a problem because they’re naked all the time but with a little girl now, it is different.”

There you go. Instill that little girl with a sense of shame from the off Dave! Go you! Still, at least she’ll grow up thinking that the human body is something to be hidden, unless you’re displaying your ballbag to the world in a series of lucrative advertisements, eh?

The most virile 17-year-old on the planet, One Direction’s Harry Styles has joined the long list of celebrities who have had naked photos of themselves ‘leaked’ to the press.

The alleged picture show a curly-haired youngster posing with his member hanging out the front of his pants in front of a mirror, his face obscured by a camera flash.

The shadowy figure appears to be wearing Harry’s trademark silver dog tags, and is devoid of body-hair; his body seemingly needing the keratin to add even more volume to his white-boy afro. Why not take a look after the jump?

We’re inclined to believed it probably is the young pop-slut, purely because he’s not bothered to actually pull his pants down to take the shot, and we all know that X Factor contestants love a short cut.

That’s not to say that youngest shagger in the West hasn’t strenuously denied the suggestion that he got his bits and pieces out in a bathroom. He has.

Do you believe him?

“]

[Via The Daily Mail (We Know, Right?)

What? Did you think we were going to show you the poor lad’s lack of short & curlies? Well, we couldn’t find an image without the ‘area’ blacked out. He’s only 17.

Cool your jets.

There’s only one-way to find out if it really is him though: colour match it to Caroline Flack’s lipstick.

It’s been such a difficult few weeks for poor Kim Kardashian. First her loving marriage breaks down in a record 72 days and had to deal with everyone and their petit chien saying that the marriage was a sham. Then her clothing line gets slated by lamb loving, angry at seal clubbing, children’s rights groups because they are supposed to be made in Chinese sweat shops.

And now it seems that Kimmy Kardash has been fiddling with someone else’s willy and balls while she was seeing Reggie Bush. It isn’t just any old two bit estate agent (or “realtor” as those crazy Yanks call them) though. Oh no, it’s douche-cock extraordinaire Kanye West isn’t it?

Get those smelling salts out.

Ultra-alopecia and ex-Kanye sex sufferer Amber Rose has came forward and told everyone who’d listen that while Kimothy Klux Kardashian was seeing NFL star or something, Reggie Bush, she was also seeing West, while they were dating.

“She’s a homewrecker! They were both cheating. They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, “Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person”"

That’s what Rose told almost everyone before waxing lyrical about her new love, who we don’t care about.

Now, this isn’t going to make much of an impact on the reputation of the Kris Jenner Sex Worker Sect, there’s still other members of the family to be flaunted.

Maybe Jenner could get Khloe to have an affair with Prince William (alas, with Kanye in the fray and rumours of Kobe Bryant getting salivated over, she really does seems to be only choosing people who have names that begin with K) or use Kim’s arse as advertising space for Pepsi, they’ve clearly got as much self-respect as cockroaches.

And just like cockroaches, it’ll be the Kardashians who come out on top after the Apocalypse, flaunting radiation burns and cholera as the new fashion, while taking their pick of the mutated.

Who’ll probably still be much better in bed than that Kanye West.

Poor Kim Kardashian. Aside from being bafflingly influential and disgustingly wealthy, she’s had a troubling 2011. Remember people accusing her and her family of dealing with sweat shops? Remember her 40 second marriage to some hoop chucking dillweed?

Well, that’s all about to change!

Yessum, 2011 has taught Kimly Kim K that, if things are going to get better, then she has learned that she need ‘to always follow her heart.’ All she has to do now is grow one.

The Famous For No Discernible Reason Human got into the spirit of New Year as she partied with her mother, Kris Jenner, at Tao Las Vegas. Wait. That’s not right. That’s what losers do. What kind of dweeb hangs around with their own mother on the one night you’re encouraged to drink your liver deathward and tap off with people you’ve just met?

Either way, People magazine have quoted her as saying:

“I learned to always follow my heart”

How bad did things get? Well, more awful than you can ever imagine. Not only did she move in with her mother, but she also… and this is incredibly difficult to write… she didn’t wear any make-up over the Christmas period. She said:

“I didn’t wear a stitch of make-up”

Because she wears so much of the stuff, we can only assume that her real, naked head is roughly the same size and a half-melted peanut M&M, like that guy from Beetlejuice.

Either way, stood in her thigh-high Gucci dress and Loren jewels, she’s now ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to moving forward, and never looking back”

“Who else is soooo ready to let go of 2011 and have the best 2012 ever!”

Yay! Here’s to all those other people who have had a disastrous PR year in the fallout of a sham marriage! And there’s been quite a few of those!

Y’know, once upon a time, we would’ve speculated about the gayness of the people involved in these convenient marriages wouldn’t we?

We are all getting far too lazy.

The Klan Kardashian got a lovely message for the holiday season from a human rights organisation. Where they just exchanging pleasantries? Of course not. Human rights organisation are always serious, always fretting and forever shouting about stuff.

Assuming that they weren’t offering high-fives to the Kardashians, we have to ask: What have they supposed to have done now?

Well, some group in hemp hats claim that the reality TV dimwits’ clothing lines are manufactured in horrific Chinese sweatshops where the workers are “abused and virtually imprisoned.” Still, at least Kim K is getting aroused. By brutal sweatshops or something else?

Charles Kernaghan, executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, says:

“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people…”

No. They aren’t talking about Kim’s sextape with Ray J.

“I would be clearly stunned if these factories were even minimally decent, because that isn’t how China operates”

The Kardashians apparently make $65 million a year from junk like this, and will be hoping that all this is just plain wrong. However, the clothing lines (which include include K-Dash by Kardashian, ShoeDazzle, and the Kris Jenner Kollection for QVC) are allegedly made in foreign sweatshops, where workers are subject to “inhumane conditions.”

Kernaghan continued:

“You can’t talk during working hours. You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes.”

Sounds like working for a bank in Britain in fairness. Alas, the wages in these factories are a bit lamer. The clothing manufacturer in China that made the Kardashians’ clothing line for Bebe last year paid factory workers just eight cents for each shirt they completed. According to China Labor Watch, staff often worked 12 hours a day, six days a week for the hourly wage of $1.75.

Still, that shouldn’t spoil Kim Kardashian’s quest to shag every single celebrity on Earth who has a name that starts with a ‘K’ (look out Cheggers and K-Fed) as she’s managed to erase all those suffering Chinese children from her mind by imagining fun-times with the barely filed for divorce Kobe Bryant.

There’s loads of brilliant rumours flying around that Kardashian wanted the Lakers star so bad that she got her mum, Kris Jenner, to leaked some very unpleasant details about Bryant’s sexual escapades to his wife, leading to the divorce being filed.

How great is that? Yeah. Forget about those suffering children in factories being bullwhipped by bug-eyed task-masters.

PS: The Kardashian family are totally suing over the sweatshop allegations. Lawyers, piss off.

Just imagine how BRILLIANT it must be to be held responsible for the break-up of a really famous celebrity couple. Just think about that. You. There in your soiled dungarees, aimlessly chewing your hand. You. Breaking up some really famous people and making them HATE each other.

God. That’d be amazing.

However, Sara Leal – the lass who is being blamed for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s split when really, it is quite obviously Kutcher’s fault -  isn’t too thrilled about the whole thing, offering mealy mouthed musings on the whole circus that followed her allowing the Two And A Half Men star to put his thingy in her doo-dah. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Leal says that she had “no idea” what would happen after she ALLEGEDLY (yes, we still have to say that, regrettably) sexed with Ashton and claims her life has fallen apart in the aftermath.

She told Fox News:

“It was insane. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It might have seemed like I was asking for it, but I wasn’t. My dad wouldn’t even talk to me, and I got a lot of disturbing phone calls, even from my friends’ parents.”

“I got fired from my job. I am no longer friends with my best friend who was my roommate because it caused so many problems and I had to move out.”

“I wasn’t working for two months, and I only just started working three weeks ago.”

Waa! Boohoo! If that were us, we’d be touting ourselves around to the highest bidder and generally lording it up like nobodies business! Apparently, she wouldn’t have had sex with him if she’d known the truth:

“I don’t watch television and I read very few magazines. It never crossed my mind that he was married. But then he said he was separated, which still doesn’t make things okay, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“He was a good looking guy and it was stupid. When people say to me ‘I can’t believe you did that’, I want to say back that most 22-year-old girls in my position would have done the same thing.”

Or, more appropriately and justly, if she DID know who he was and fancied having sex with someone famous, and to hell with his dumb marriage, she was quite right to go ahead and rag his peabrains out. She doesn’t owe Demi Moore a damn thing.

Ashton Kutcher, crucially, did.

So, Sara Leal, can we have a bit more sass and bile please? Sod Christian America. They probably hate you anyway.

As if Kim Kardashian’s awful and gut-wrenching break-up with Kris Thingummydumbass wasn’t awful enough – not only for her, but the entire watching, breathless world – she’s been rocked by a tragedy involving boots.

Did someone, possibly sick of her television antics, insert one into her backside with great force?

No. It’s far, far worse than that. Seriously. Read on for the most harrowing celebrity news story you’ll ever read in your entire life. Far worse than anything involving propofol or being filmed urinating on minors.

Holding back the tears, we discovered that Kimmy Kim K was having the most traumatic episode in humankind’s 400 year history.

She was worried that she was going to have to sleep in her high heeled boots because she couldn’t get them off.

That’s right. Her gigantic calf muscles were imprisoned inside some spray-on boots and she tried for nearly half an hour to prise them away from her weeping feet.

She said to a traumatised twitter:

“Can’t get my boot off &I’m all by myself! Don’t know what 2 do! LOL I need someone to pull it off! Been tryin 4 20mins! #SleepingInStilettos”

Nearly 3,000 people committed suicide at the news and, worried about Kimmly Kardoodlibobs being at the end of her notoriously long tether, emergency helplines were set-up to console fraught fans.

Kimmo considered alerting her sleeping 14-year-old half-sister Kylie Jenner to come and help her.

“Do I wake up @KylieJenner to help me take my boot off? I’m really struggling over here! LOL Grrrrrr”

Then, much like the relief shown when those Chilean miners emerged from the underworld, the entire universe cheered when the good news arrived!

“Finally got my boot off! pheeewwwww”

Now, the world is again at peace as Kim is now able to carry on doing her hugely important jobs around the world. We are so very, very lucky.

The Kardashians are the closest thing America has to a Royal Family. Basically, they’re incredibly wealthy, do very little to earn it and are gigantically dislikeable yet still, we watch them when they’re on the TV, muttering swear words under our breath.

At least Americans don’t keep Kim Kardashian in velvet femidoms with their taxes like us gullible Limeys do.

Of course, with royalty comes sham weddings and of course, Kim K recently tied the knot with Kris Humphries who, bless his stupid thick skull, is only just working out that perhaps, perhaps, Kim Kardashian didn’t even vaguely love him and, in fact, used him as a breathing prop for her television show. Ain’t love grand?

Naturally, Kris Humphries is too thick to form proper sounds and would take hours to manage a simple ‘PUH’ noise, so we have to rely on trustworthy, eloquent sources to chatter on his stupid behalf.

God. We can only hope that they’re not making up a load of old shit about him!

Anyway, sources very close (as in, ‘stood right behind him but he’s too dim to notice’) tell TMZ:

Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels “he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian’s latest headline and newest business venture.”

Kris believes (or; has been told by someone who can breathe with their mouth shut) that Kim never intended to stay married to him. However, she needed a groom to hike up the ratings for her show.

One source says:

“Once they were finished taping, she just didn’t need a groom anymore.”

Poor ol’ Kris. He’s nothing more than a pawn. People surrounding Kris are also noting that he’s showing signs of fury because there’s some that think he was in on the wedding scam:

“He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church.”

Or, he’s preposterously stupid. He’s a man who has probably tried to kick the moon everytime he sees it in the night sky.

Either way – THE DIVORCE NASTINESS IS ON! WAHOO! HULK MAD!

There’s nothing better than a nice antique leather chair to help you relax after a long day at work.

Well, this theory may be put to the test with the announcement that Nancy Dell’Olio is to pose naked in an upcoming edition of everybody’s favourite spunk-rag, Playboy.

The Strictly Come Dancing star is apparently really eager to show everyone just what Iggy Pop’s chuff would look like if he were a woman.

A source close to Dell’Olio says that, “She’s willing to show top and bottom in a tasteful way.” Which is kind of horrifying when you think about it, unless you’re into that sort of thing. We’re looking at you Wayne Rooney. Don’t pretend you haven’t wanted this ever since Sven introduced you to his 156-year old wife for the first time.

The deal is worth a reported £250,000 and hinges upon whether Hef can come up with a suitably ‘exotic’ location in which to reveal what once lurked under Nancy’s leotard.

So, when your next jazz mag drops through the door in that discrete brown envelope, just be aware that when you open it up you may find the lovely Nancy Dell’Olio, spread-eagle on a beach somewhere, sipping on champagne and winking at you despite her eyes being covered by some obscenely large sunglasses.

For those of you that can’t quite picture that, here’s a top hecklerspray tip, shave your scrotum, liberally apply some fake tan (and when we say liberally, we’re talking at least 2 bottles), then shove a mirror between your legs and stare at it until you’ve stopped throwing up.

Thanks Nancy, you’ve managed to ruin both leather chairs and our own scrotums for us in just under 300 words.

Ashton Kutcher is getting a (let us sing it together) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. handed to him by Demi Moore after she found out that he’d been thumbing his winky into a young woman on the famous couple’s wedding anniversary.

Not surprising really, right?

Well, Sara Leal – the girl who received Kutch’s thrutches – has been asked if she feels responsible for the breakdown of a relationship that enchanted literally tens of people across the world.

Leal, collared by TMZ in an airport or something, got asked questions about the event and the notion that it was ALL HER FAULT was thrown at her.

Naturally, she said that she wasn’t, pointing out that she felt nothing more than a…

“bump in the road.”

That vaguely sounds like a sexual act, which is enough to prompt the faintest of humour in our hollow minds.

Anyway, you don’t have to read our stupid words. You can watch this video. Feel free to think ‘Oh, she looks more attractive in a moving image than she did in that Facebook photograph everyone passed around online when the story broke.’

Or not.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and splitting up, just like loads of people’s relationships disintegrate through misdeed, tedium and contempt. It’s not earth-shattering news, but thankfully, because Kutcher is thicker than pig’s swill, there’s been amusing foot-notes.

See, Kutch thought it would be fun to have sex with Sara Leal on his wedding anniversary and tried to show Demi how much she meant to him by buying her an eco-friendly car that ran on guilt.

So where can Demi Moore go now for solace? Step forward Madonna who has an exemplary record when it comes to marriage and relationships. Ahem.

Before we get going, let us look at some of Madonna’s relationship highlights over the years. She’s either married or humped: Sean Penn, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Guy Ritchie, Warren Beatty, Lenny Kravitz, Vanilla Ice, Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon (who she had a kid with) and even David Blaine.

Warren Beatty aside, all these blokes have been younger than Madge, which is why she’s apparently offering her services to Demi. She knows what they can be like, aight?

Of course, there’s a slight skew here because, thanks to Madonna being one of the oldest humans on Earth, she has to go for people younger than her because they’re the only ones who can actually maintain an erection around her and, indeed, get up steps unaided.

So, thanks to Madge’s vast experience of younger men, she’s offering Demi ‘spiritual guidance’ on the matter. This probably means little more than tying some red string around your wrist and bleating on to a false god.

Metro quotes “a friend” saying:

“She is calling Demi almost every day and sends her messages telling her to be proud of her strength and to know that she fought to make her marriage work.”

“Madonna has had many younger boyfriends so she understands their mindset. She has told Demi that Ashton’s immaturity is evident and that she deserves someone who will fulfil her intellectually and emotionally.”

Fulfilling Demi Moore intellectually. That’s great news! That means all the house flies and plants are in with a shout of getting with Demi too!

Wonderful.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

If you were married to an incredibly wealthy woman, one who probably has a fair amount of expensive shit, what would you do to try and save your marriage to her after you’d been sticking your peen into a younger woman?

Would you make the kind of gesture that money can’t buy in an attempt to woo her again? Perhaps write her a hokey but well meaning song and perform it to her? Maybe you’d cook her that meal she loves in that place you first met? Maybe you’d dance around naked with 500 red roses protruding from your colon in a public place, shouting “I don’t care if I look crazy! I’m crazy about you!”

Well, if you’re Ashton Kutcher, you’ll just buy her an eco-friendly car. An eco-friendly car of love. Pillock.

The Two and a Half Men git spent over US$100,000 on a 2012 Lexus LS 600h hybrid-engine vehicle for Demi, who could probably buy ten of her own and still they’re a massive waste of her time.

Weirdly, buying someone an eco-friendly car implies that the receiver should feel a little guilty for not being green enough, which is a bit rich when you’re displaying no discernible guilt over the allegations that you got your end away with someone called Sara Leal on the sixth anniversary of your wedding.

Amusingly, because Ashton Kutcher is so ludicrously hopeless, Demi Moore has reportedly instructed her lawyers to “punish” him in their divorce.

A source close to Demi said:

“She is furious, raging in fact — you only have to look at every photo you see of her to see the toll Ashton’s cheating has taken on her.

“She wants to punish him financially because of the way he has broken her heart. She is going to give him a bitter fight and, whether or not she wins, it will be an expensive lesson for him.”

Maybe he’ll try to pay her in recycling bins?

And so, just like we all expected, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s six-year marriage has ground to a wheezing halt after Kabbalah counselling surprised us all by being thoroughly useless in its attempts to save a relationship.

Of course, the statements from representatives and twitter missives went into overload last night from all concerned… and those not even remotely concerned.

And we’re going to pick through them. The best of the bunch involves the idea that this was swinging gone bad. We like that theory. That’s the idea we’re running with in our horrible, grotty little minds.

What caused the split then? Well, the big rumour hand pointed its finger at the story which concerned Ashton Kutcher sticking his penis into someone that wasn’t Demi Moore on the eve of their wedding anniversary.

And now, Demi has announced that she is absolutely going to divorce Kutcher. Sadly, she hasn’t said that this is a revenge attack for Ashton’s bringing back of the dismal Two And A Half Men.

Ashton took to Twitter to share his thought over things:

“I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK”

That’s the same twitter account that Ashton accidentally defended a child rapist last week. Ho-hum. Demi, meanwhile, issued a statement:

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

She then asked for us all to respect her privacy over the matter, something we haven’t been afforded, so sod that. We’re raking over every single bone of this.

So Person A cheats on Person B, and Person B dumps Person A. So far, so dull. However, there’s a bit of titillation to be had before we’re out. Chelsea Handler has a theory about the break-up.

She suggests that Ashton and Demi had one of those “open marriage-type situations”.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that they probably had a lot of open marriage-type situations.”

“I think they probably had a lot of good times with some other women… I mean, read between the line. They probably had a lot of threesomes that led to twosomes without Demi and that leads to a divorce.”

Meanwhile, Kutch’s first rumoured play-away, Brittney Jones as now arched her eyebrows higher than they’ve ever gone and saying ‘SEE? I BLOODY TOLD YOU.’ See, her credibility was called into question after a sex-tape appeared starring her (not featuring Ashton Kutcher).

She told TMZ:

“Although divorce is often sad I do feel somewhat vindicated. For so long people have thought that I was dishonest or just making up my passionate nights with Ashton, when in fact I was being used. Ashton told me that both he and Demi had an ‘open relationship’ and that he was not in fact cheating. Now I can tell all the facts about how Ashton really was, and hopefully people will believe my side of the story.”

SAUCY! Sorry. DEPRESSING! Wait. FUNNY! Nope. We’ve no idea how we’re supposed to feel. Can we get on with our day now please?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Apparently, Jessica Biel was scarred by taking her clothes off in ‘Powder Blue’, a film she’s made that no-one watched. No. She’s not disrobing with a chainsaw you dolt. Her scars are emotional.

Emotional scars are the worst ones aren’t they? Mind-scabs are agony.

Anyway, despite saying that she found it “brutal” to see images of her naked body strewn across the Internet thanks to the nudey clip from the film (which you can watch over the jump if you’re unbearably lonely), she’s actually willing to do it again. That’s because she’s an actor and they sometimes take their clothes off. It’s spectacularly unremarkable news. Unremarkable news with boobs though.

She said in an interview, which we suspect was incredibly interesting:

“If a director I trusted came to me with an amazing opportunity and it felt organic, I would do it”

Organic eh? The smoothie makers at Innocent must be thrilled at this news then.

Of course, like any story involving a sensitive, serious actor, there’s a catch. See, while you may have clicked over the jump to get a look at a famous pair of busters, you may need the Kleenex to wipe away your tears of sorrow (good thing that you cry when you masturbate anyway).

Her film sees her stripping for money, which will make you perverts cheer! Alas, she’s a woman forced into stripping so she can raise money for her terminally ill son. BUZZKILL!

Biel admitted that she thought it was “unfortunate” that her nakedness became more of a talking point than the message behind the film itself, but at least she’s learned the importance of boobies now. Boobies are more important than anything ever.

The gloom surrounding this economic crisis would be abated if all governments simply installed giant screens in every town centre displaying bare-chested humans.

You don’t care though. You just want to see Jessica Biel in just her knickers don’t you?

Here you go then, you wretched perv.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Ashton Kutcher isn’t having a good time of it lately. Firstly, he’s in the woeful Two And A Half Men. Secondly, he’s allegedly had an affair with a young woman which has totally borked his marriage to Demi Moore. Thirdly, he’s really, really thick.

He’s so dimwitted that he’s had his twitter account taken off him by his management.

Why? Well, clever ol’ Kutcher defended sacked American football coach Joe Paterno who helped cover up the rape of children at Penn State.

If you don’t know what’s going on with Paterno, let us quickly fill you in. He’s a very famous and revered coach of a college football team and he failed to tell police that his assistant was (allegedly) sexually assaulting a boy in 2002.

Kutcher promptly took to his twitter account to defend Paterno, and then, when everyone told him what had happened, he realised what a terrible boob he’d made.

Initially, he tweeted:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? As a Hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste”.

He then back-pedalled like crazy when everyone told him about Paterno’s former assistant Jerry Sandusky, who had been arrested and charged with 40 counts of sexual abuse of young boys over a 15-year period.

Obviously, he was rather embarrassed. Kutcher said:

“As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

“As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

Kutcher’s management team said they would take control of his Twitter account “as a secondary editorial measure to ensure the quality of its content”.

What a stupid idiot.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it