It is a fact, passed down through from hecklerspray writer to hecklerspray writer that if ever someone utters the words “haters gonna hate” or any other variation on that theme that they have automatically marked themselves out as a hateful figure. Therefore it is easy to imagine the vehement feelings of anger that course through our collective veins every time we hear from representatives of the Cher Lloyd ‘Anti-Hater Brigade’.

Is Cher Lloyd a hateful figure? Probably not. After all, she’s just a lassie singing some songs and making a wee bit of money. There’s nothing inherently hateful in that, is there?

That being said, Pope Gregory VII wasn’t an inherently hateful figure either but he also initiated a crusade against another kind of “hater”, the Muslims in the Middle East and look how that ended up. Largely with a lot more Christians and, if young Cher has her way, her own crusade will leave us with a lot more Cher Lloyd fans. So perhaps Swagger Jagger and its inevitable follow-ups will kill more people than the crusades.

Of course, we can’t stop clickin ’bout her, writin’ ’bout her, or tweeting ’bout her but that seems to be because Cher has had the beginnings of a mental breakdown where she believes that absolutely everyone in her immediate vicinity is a “hater”. In order for people to stop getting ‘all up in her grill’ she would really need to stop forcing her ‘grill’ upon people.

Cher, one of the runners up on this year’s “Cheryl Cole-a-like 2011″, is reportedly rubbing her expensive stylists up the wrong way (not like that) by refusing to take their style advice. In a shocking move by a teenager, she appears to have pissed her “hater” stylists off by insisting on styling herself in her own image. By “her own image” we mean the image of a High Street Cheryl Cole who’s been fired through a spraypaint factory by a Howitzer.

Now magazine has been claiming recently that Ms Lloyd has been acting like a ‘little diva’ and one of their well-known made-up ‘sources’ added:

‘Cher thinks she knows best. She has her own ideas about the way she wants to look and sound. Her stylists wanted to take her edgy like Rihanna, but Cher won’t move past the urban look.’

That’s right folks! Stop the presses! Here’s tomorrow’s front page:

TEENAGER IN “KNOWING BEST” SHOCKER

It’s now well known that a teenager has never, ever thought that they knew best about how to dress or carry themselves. In fact, teenagers crave orders and structure laid down by strict, over-paid idiots called Tarquin. Everyone knows that. Everyone except the “haters” at Syco & Now Magazine.

Lloyd’s boss Simon Cowell is also said to be fed up with the youngster, telling his friends that she is too ‘gobby’ and yet another invented ‘source’ claimed that many SYCO staff feel the same.

‘Cher gets tattoos and shaves her hair without consultation. It’s great that she’s got such a strong creative vision, but her people end up reading about what she’s done in the papers.’

It is widely rumoured that Cowell will be renegotiating a strip-search clause into Lloyd’s contract where she must consent to getting her kit off for her ‘people’ to make sure that she hasn’t got “I <3 Cheryl Cole” tattooed on the inside of her thigh… again. The more that is written about Lloyd’s hatred of “haters”, the more we begin to believe that there might actually be some kind of “hater” conspiracy designed to devastate Cher’s confidence.

We’ll put our best man undercover to find out.

The gobby, stubborn teenager recently addressed the many haters that attack her online, explaining that she would rather people are talking about her than ignoring her before going on to say that she was proud of her fans for misinterpreting the tone of most articles which are written about her and thanked them for living their obsessive, unfulfilled lives vicariously through her and her ‘swagger jagger’.

She also suggested that anyone who didn’t buy her next single “Blah, Blah, You Just A Hater” would be- unsurprisingly- a hater.

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Hecklerspray are a bunch of merry people who would never inflict any harm on you.

We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.

However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono – Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.

Now it’s England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!

Lily’s cheeky chirpy cockney songs have never been off radio and TV stations in England. Most of the time it’s a lucky dip to see if Smile or LDN is going to be played next. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t every ten minutes or so.

But then, would the public like to hear a makeshift hecklerspray band doing a freestyle jam on a few metal cans and coat hangers? No, probably not.

In-between writing and recording her second album, Lily has been doing other stuff as well. You see, she’s not like the other one dimensional singers without a soul or conscience. She can do more than pout and attempt to look sexy – Lily can present too! Well, that’s what BBC 3 believes anyway.

Some genius came up with the Lily Allen and Friends show. A programme where a few celebrity people come on to plug a TV show or product they’re involved with.

In-between all of the ker-azy chat comes the part of the show that makes up about 89% of the content, the always reliable feature: “clips from the internet showcasing wacky people which means I can sit on my arse and do fuck all for a bit,” used every week. Honestly, we’d never seen the Chocolate Rain man before. We are so thankful. The show really is worth the license fee alone to watch TV content which comes from YouTube.

For some time now, Lily’s wild child antics have seen her banned from America. Having the odd drink doesn’t seem to be a popular thing with Uncle Sam and her persistent drunken nights out haven’t helped. For a long time she’s been banned from the land of obesity and Maury. Now Magazine reports:

“Lily had to have her pee regularly checked and then blood tests on top to prove she wasn’t on drugs before the US government would give her a working visa.”

We just feel sorry for the poor sod that had to check her piss. How this was done we aren’t sure, but we’re willing to bet it was all down to the texture and aroma of the urine. But that doesn’t matter now; she’s got the visa, and she was reported as feeling:

“Chuffed.”

Though we would like to remind US visa officials of her odd antics at last week’s Glamour awards. She clearly wasn’t sticking to tap water or lemonade during the ceremony and looked slightly worse for wear. This will probably scare the shit out of the people who gave her legal permission to visit America.

Have fun with her in the USA. And don’t feel inclined to send her back anytime soon.