No, instead the movie’s called Notorious, and it’s either about the Duran Duran song, the Alfred Hitchcock film, dead rapper Notorious BIG or the notorious Anglo-American wife murderer Dr Crippen. At a guess, we’d say it was about the dead rapper. We should research more, sorry.

Anyway, despite being a major character in the movie, Lil’ Kim is refusing to see Notorious. We think it’s probably because she’s played by Verne Troyer in blackface.

There’s a law stating that if you’re a) in the music industry and b) dead, then someone has to make a movie about you. It’s why Ray Charles got a movie, Johnny Cash got a movie and Etta James got a movie, and the reason why up to 15 different competing producers are actively willing Cliff Richard to fall down a concrete staircase.

But, more relevantly, it’s also why there’s a Notorious BIG biopic rattling our way. Notorious is basically the heartwarming story of Biggie Smalls, the lovable rapper whose life was a non-stop rollercoaster of drug-dealing, fan-beating and being shot four times in the chest until he died. It’s Eight Mile, in essence, but you don’t get to see Kim Basinger’s bottom and the ending’s a bit bleaker.

That’s not why people will go to see Notorious, though – they’ll see it because, as well as being the story of Notorious BIG, it’s also the story of all his old chums. Puff Daddy’s there, Faith Evans is there, Tupac Shakur is there – and there’s even a slot for dear old Suge Knight, after an actor was found who could convincingly drive a car while repeatedly punching a woman in the head. Allegedly.

And, of course, one of the major characters in Notorious is Lil’ Kim, the tiny rapper who had a love affair with Notorious BIG, then allegedly had his baby aborted and then went on to ultimately not release as many albums as a handful of presumably deaf people wanted.

Lil’ Kim’s probably aware that Notorious exists, but it looks as though she doesn’t want anything to do with it – she’s refusing to see it and, as the New York Daily News reports, she didn’t even help the actress playing her with the part:

Naturi Naughton, who plays Kim in “Notorious,” didn’t even meet her subject before delving into the role… “I don’t know. I tried to reach out to her. I think there was some conflict. I’m not sure.” Faith Evans, who was married to Biggie, told us, “I don’t know what [Kim] wanted. But we all signed the same agreement to be portrayed in the movie.”

Perhaps Lil’ Kim is just being grouchy because she’s holding out for a movie of her own instead of just being a supporting character in films about her boyfriend. If that’s the case, she’s probably in for a long wait – if any movie producers wanted to make a biopic about a diminutive female rapper, they’d surely want to make a Foxy Brown movie instead. And we’d go and see that, by the way – but only so long as all the brutal violence contained in the movie was sped up and accompanied by Yakkety Sax. That would be a dealbreaker.

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There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine