If you had a film about a crazy ghost coming out soon that looks awful - and a strike on to stop you promoting it on most TV talkshows - what would you do?

Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.

Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.

Stop, stop, stop - take the bunting down, unwrap the Larry The Hepatitis Monkey toy you've just bought, because Pamela Anderson isn't pregnant.

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that's because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting. 

Pamela Anderson's blog, you see, has the word 'no' written on it. Twice. So that's another hope of ours dashed.

The world may not care that much about Britney Spears as a singer any more, but so long as she's got ovaries constantly on the brink of inflating up another redneck infant and expelling it from her body, she'll never be without attention.

For example, the entire planet is currently frothing around like billyo over speculation that Britney Spears is pregnant with yet another child. But, as we all know, Britney Spears has emphatically refuted these claims as "B.S." So now the magazine that broke the Pregnant Britney Spears story in the first place has gone public with the text messages it claims are from the alleged father, admitting that the pregnancy is real. So what's the truth? Either Britney Spears is pregnant, Britney Spears isn't pregnant or there's a murky, alley-dwelling unlicensed abortionist knocking around somewhere who's sitting on an effing goldmine.

Rumours are great, whether they're false - like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true - like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry.

But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she'd emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody's ever heard of was the father. However, even though it's an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as "B.S". And, as we all know, "B.S" either stands for "Bloody Sertain" or "Baby! Shaboom!" so it's definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!