Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?

Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.

We don’t know about you, but we’ve spent the last few weeks trying to organise a ragtag gang of furious torch-wielding locals to hang around outside Jennifer Aniston’s house chanting doomy biblical soundbites. Why? Because we thought that Jennifer Aniston was pregnant with John Mayer’s baby, that’s why, and we’re pretty sure the resulting baby would end up bringing about the end of the world.

We’re being serious. Not only would a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby end up being so genetically predisposed to rabid attention-seeking that it would literally never stop until every inch of the media did nothing but relentlessly focus on it around the clock, but it’d also have stupid hair and a funny-looking chin. It’d be awful.

But that’s something we can worry about another time, because Jennifer Aniston is almost definitely not pregnant, and that’s because she showed up at a restaurant in a tight top recently. If that’s not enough, some are saying that the whole pregnancy rumour was deliberately schemed up to get the headlines away from Aniston’s arch-rival Angelina Jolie for once, as a magazine editor told MSNBC:

“Every time Brad or Angelina is in the news, and it’s a story that’s so exclusive only one outlet really gets the story, the natural reaction is to come up with a story about Jen to combat the attention… But now she did lunch at (popular Hollywood eatery) the Ivy in a tight shirt? I mean, the Ivy? Usually Jen is above that sort of thing. She obviously knew she’d be photographed there.”

Poor old Jennifer Aniston. If she gets pregnant everyone thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she proves she’s not pregnant, everyone still thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she wears clothes that don’t hang off her like a big saggy tent, people get so enraged about all her attention-seeking that they actually start squirting blood out of their eyes.

So maybe this might be the start of a new, more demure Jennifer Aniston – one who doesn’t feel the need to constantly compete with Angelina Jolie by having every single aspect of her personal life detailed in all the celebrity magazines. And we look forward to seeing the introduction of this new, less showy Jennifer Aniston on Thursday night where she’ll, um, cavort around dressed as a French maid on 30 Rock. Oh.

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Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Even though the economy is in freefall and we’re plummeting towards global recession and there’s every chance we’ll all finish this week huddled round a brazier cooking rats on sticks in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, the really terrifying news didn’t come from the financial world at all.

No, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was eight weeks pregnant even though she only gave birth to her last baby three and a bit months ago. Actually, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again because she spuriously believed that your fanny stops working when you breastfeed, but we’ll leave that one particular nugget alone for the time being.

However, even though the report originally claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again was full of believable touches – like the way that Jamie Lynn Spears couldn’t stop crying when she found out, or that her mother Lynne Spears was ‘hysterical’ at the news, it turns out that it was all wrong.

In actuality, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant at all. We know this because an anonymous stranger who could live in a tree for all that anyone knows said so. E! Online reports:

A source who lives in Jamie Lynn’s native Kentwood, La., tells E! News: “I talk to [her mom] Lynne all the time. Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again. That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

Actually, as theories go, that’s probably fairly untouchable – Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because one arbitrary nobody who just happens to live quite near Lynne Spears hasn’t heard about it. It’s not that Lynne Spears was trying to keep the secret under wraps because she’s ashamed or anything. Don’t be silly.

Genius. In fact, we’re so impressed by this theory that we’re going to base our entire belief system around this wise Kentwood sage – if they don’t know about it, we’re going to say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t even exist. The Higgs boson particle? A bunch of made-up crap. The planet Neptune? A bunch of made-up crap. Toothpaste? A bunch of made-up crap.

But let’s just say this source is right, and Jamie Lynn Spears really isn’t pregnant again. You know what this means? You really can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding! Get to it, new teenage mothers!

And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Speaking about the plans for Iron Man 2, the Marvel-contracted actor decided that he shouldn’t just talk up some vague plot points, speculate on what may happen in the sequel and start the ball rolling on some early hype for the upcoming blockbuster.

No – he would also stick the knife in in a pretty spectacular fashion, especially when you consider this is mainstream Hollywood cinema, people are likely to see what he’s said and it will get widely reported.

Just for that, we have to give Robert Downey Jr a special hecklerspray ‘Well Done You Have Some Balls’ award that we’ve just invented.

Congratulations, Bobby – how does it feel to be the first ever recipient?

Granted, he may not have threatened his mum, died or had a serious car accident, but directly slagging off a competitor’s film is good enough for us. Talking to Movie Hole, Downey Jr let loose this barrage:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart…and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I…still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F–k DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Clearly not a man worried about burning any bridges… oh, wait, he went on about that too, the little git:

“You know, you’re never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I’ve got a couple more. ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ is my favourite phrase I’ve ever coined.”

Well, we’re not going to argue with that.

Maybe years of drug abuse, carrying weapons around and getting arrested every three-point-four minutes is the recipe to make the perfect movie star – one who can actually act pretty well and one who has both an actual set of balls and a lack of inner monologue, leaving them free to say what they actually mean.

Set the plan in motion, Hollywood berks – prescription smack and a shotgun for Lindsay Lohan, followed by four arrests in a week. Maybe that’ll make her fun again.

Read The Rest Of It Here:

Movie Hole

She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business – Penelope Cruz – then, well, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you went and told Scarlett she was talking a great big pile of crud.

The kiss they shared wasn’t a subtle ploy to distract everyone in the world from the fact that all the Hollywood types seem to be getting struck down with one illness or another. No, it’s just a part of that new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which is clearly going to be a great big bag of balls.

Aside from the scene in question, of course.

Yes, the thrilling news that Woody’s film wasn’t laughed off at Cannes – far from it, it received a thirty-six hour standing ovation or something – has got a lot of people convinced it’s for one reason and one reason alone, and the ethereal lifeforce that is hecklerspray agrees wholeheartedly: hot lesbian action.

But while most red-blooded males and, let’s face it, a hell of a lot of females, gay men, transexuals, hermaphrodites and everything else inbetween agree with the theory that ol’ Woody is using the technique of making two beautiful women lezz off on screen purely to get some artificial buzz surrounding the flick, the women themselves seem oblivious to the fact that it’s a really, really brilliant marketing ploy.

Speaking to some people who were trying not to gawk at her that little bit too much, Scarlett Johansson said:

“There were 60 crewmen eating salami sandwiches. It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine.”

Actually, we can imagine something a lot less sexy, it’s just we’re not allowed to mention it here by law. There have been problems in the past that hecklerspray can’t really re-visit, unfortunately. Needless to say, salami is the last of the things to be worried about.

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, took an altogether different view of things – speaking to some other people, or they might have been the same ones, we’re not really sure, the star of hecklerspray favourite Chromophobia said:

“We didn’t talk about it much, then Woody told us how the shot was going to be, but Scarlett and I don’t have any funny stories to tell about it. It felt [like] nothing, nothing happened.”

See – it’s always the same. Those that get all the breaks in life don’t bloody well appreciate it, whereas those underdogs who would take pleasure in the situation are forced to sit back and watch. Actually, come to think of it that’s pretty win-win, so we’ll stop complaining now.

Good lord it’s a slow news day.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

The video, produced as a direct response to the Republican campaign advert, stars young Paris – and she’s hardly even naked at all, meaning we live in some bizarre world where she can manage to make something that both isn’t a sex tape and is funny. No, instead of committing lewd acts then releasing the video footage for profit, the Simple Life star simply lazes on a sun lounger and puts forth her views on today’s US politics.

Of course, her words come across as if they were completely, totally and utterly written by no one but Paris Hilton herself. No help involved here. No sireee, not with this mastermind at the helm. Definitely. We’d be willing to bet on that.

Alright, so we’re back to lying again.

Nevertheless, the video is quite funny and Paris doesn’t make herself into a complete tit throughout. Frankly, this is nothing short of a genuine miracle, when you take into account the above-mentioned fact that this isn’t even a sex tape. Paris’ credentials for the presidency aren’t that bad either – she is the perfect wife after all and she’s a genius, though she may run some of her voters over if she isn’t careful.

In all honesty though, we at hecklerspray are still waiting for the Britney Spears response to hit the web. Who knows – maybe a career in politics is just the kind of low-stress job Miss Spears needs, as soon as she’s free to roam again? And the combination of high profile work and actual responsibility could put her in good stead to get her kids back from that prat Kevin Federline. Hey – it’s just a thought.

Or maybe it’ll just get ignored and the whole event will be taken exactly as it’s ’supposed’ to, with people watching, laughing and forgetting. Bah. Watch the video below:

Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.

Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.

Bernie, 50, admitted himself to hospital on the 3rd of August and was subsequently placed into treatment for pneumonia. It didn’t take long for something of a mild frenzy to whip up, though at first most news was simply taking the ’straight report’ route – as favoured by journalists that can’t be bothered trying very hard – telling the public Mac had been admitted for treatment.

Not long after, a new element was added to the game when reports emerged of an unnamed source – the most trustworthy of all the sources – saying Bernie was in a ‘very, very critical condition’ and alluding to him being either near to death or actually dead. Now, frankly that’s a bit unfair on the man, don’t you think? So, yes, he did do a far worse job than Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels 2 and his role in Transformers was forgettable at best – but there’s no need to start spreading rumours that he’s actually dead now, is there. That’s just low.

Thankfully, reports have surfaced today quoting Bernie Mac’s rep as saying these words with their mouth – whether they were angry, crying or simply aloof when spouting these communications, we do not know:

“Bernie Mac is still alive and being treated at a Chicago hospital for pneumonia and is expected to make a full recovery.”

But regardless of the emotional state of this so-called ‘rep’, at least they were concise, to the point and didn’t bother with baseless speculation. Frankly, those aspects make the guessing game too hard to judge. At least with direct statements you can almost accept it as fact, especially when it comes from one of these ‘rep’ things with a name, Danica Smith. She went on to say:

“Mr. Mac is responding well to treatment and will be released soon.”

The disease is, according to those that report these things as fact, not related to Bernie’s long-standing sarcoidosis – a chronic disease that can cause inflammation of tissue, especially around the lungs. Mr Mac, as it would appear he likes to be called, has seen the remission of the disease since 2005.

All good to know. Hecklerspray sends our get well soon psychic beams out to you, Bernie.

And imagine it hard, because you won't get to see it for a while. Although reports have been fizzing around claiming that Avril Lavigne is expecting her first baby, Avril's reps have dashed everyone's hopes by claiming that none of it is true.

But, hey, at least now that she probably isn't pregnant Avril Lavigne gets to remain the cleverest and most mature person in her family. Unless she has a pet gerbil, of course.

That Avril Lavigne, she's always copying everyone's ideas isn't she? After the storm last year over the fact that her songs Girlfriend and I Don't Have To Try sounded an awful lot like songs by other people, it's been claimed that Avril Lavigne has now decided to rip off Nicole Kidman's idea of letting a man's sperm penetrate the cell membrane of her oocyte up the ampulla of her fallopian tube and fusing together to create life.

In other words, some people think that Avril Lavigne is pregnant. If we were Nicole Kidman we'd sue. 

However, even though reports have been buzzing around about Avril Lavigne's supposed pregnancy thanks to her husband Deryck Whibley apparently telling people that he was excited about becoming a dad, Avril herself has denied the claims. Well, she got her publicist to deny the claims – we're still not entirely sure that Avril's capable of stringing more than three or four words together at once by herself. Anyway:

Lavigne’s representative has dismissed the reports, saying: “It’s not true.”

So it was all a great big false alarm. Still, at least this way Avril Lavigne won't have to balance her newborn baby with her long-held hobbies of drinking to excess, writing songs in aneurysm-inducing text-speak and leading Britney Spears astray. So it's probably for the best.

Still, at least we know that Avril Lavigne definitely isn't pregnant despite all the reports.

If we were Eva Longoria we'd sue. 

Read more:

Is Avril Lavigne pregnant? - VanityGossip.com 

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it's starting to drain our will to live.

She enjoys toying with us, that Britney Spears. Witness the way she goes shopping for pregnancy kits when she's not even pregnant just to whip us all into a froth. Or the way she almost called her new album What If The Joke Is On You? when even a spak-brained village idiot would realise that the joke has actually been on Britney Spears for quite some time now. And wasn't even particularly hilarious to begin with. 

Or the way that Britney Spears gives the world just the slightest glimmer that she isn't a hermetically-sealed hopeless nobsack, only to prove a couple of days later that, yes, actually Britney Spears is a hermetically-sealed hopeless nobsack. What a tease, eh?

If you hadn't already guessed, Britney Spears has just done the latter. Again. After her weird hospital meltdown earlier this month, Britney Spears knows that the only way she has a fighting chance of seeing her two children again – even for a second through four sheets of reinforced glass – is to play the game and show up at court and do what the commissioner tells her. And when Britney Spears took her deposition earlier this week, it looked like she'd finally turned a corner.

But, with stunning inevitability, that corner turns into Shithead Avenue. Yesterday Britney Spears was due in court to seek restoration of her visitation rights. And she went to the courthouse, too. It's just that Britney Spears bricked it and ran off home as soon as she was through the doors. ABC reports:

Britney Spears came to a courthouse Wednesday for a hearing to seek restoration of her rights to see her two little boys, but suddenly left without entering court. "I want to leave," Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini quoted her as saying. Parachini said Spears was driven away. Upstairs, Commissioner Scott Gordon went ahead with a closed hearing. "Notice was taken of Miss Spears' absence" during the hearing, the spokesman said.

Sound familiar? It should – Britney Spears did exactly the same thing last Tuesday. And, as with last Tuesday, Britney's weird no-show meant that she won't be seeing her children again until next month at the earliest.

So what now for Britney Spears? Well, she's due back in court in 11 days, but only because her lawyers want to leave. And then she'll have to wait until February 19 before she gets another crack at fouling up regaining custody. And February 19 is a long time away, so there's a very good chance that at some point before then Britney Spears will go through a period of at least 24 hours without doing something so absurdly gormless that we feel obliged to write about it.

Oh, who are we kidding? That's never going to happen.

Read more:

Britney Spears Arrives at LA Courthouse, Then Leaves the Building - ABC 

Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.

Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.

If last year was the year that people got obviously pregnant and didn't tell anyone, then let's make this year the year that people deny getting pregnant but kind of allude to the fact that they are for nothing more than 10 seconds of attention. Wait, what? That's what Eva Longoria's already done? That pesky Longoria, she's always one step ahead!

Although it's still unclear whether her husband Tony Parker cheated on her with that French model or not, Eva Longoria is enough of a woman to know what men want – babies. Lots of 'em. But not real babies, they're too noisy and they make you poo when you're giving birth to them – imaginary babies. Imaginary babies that help promote crappy-looking films about sexy ghosts.

Lately, there's been a lot of attention directed at Eva Longoria's belly. Not because she's whipped it out for a lad's mag or a desperately unfunny web video again, but because it's a little bit chunky. And, say, what's Eva Longoria doing turning up to the press day for her bad-looking new film wrapped in a baby blanket? Is she? She can't be. Is Eva Longoria pregnant?

No, don't be silly. Eva Longoria isn't pregnant. Eva Longoria is just fat and stupid, as she told People:

"No pregnancy, not yet. I've been cooking and eating, cooking and eating. I keep telling everyone that I've gained 10 pounds just being on strike… I was freezing, so I had to run down to the gift shop, and they didn't have any wraps. I grabbed this and was like, 'It's so soft, but why is it so small?!' And they said, 'It's for a baby.'"

It's an easy mistake to make, and we can totally sympathise with Eva Longoria. Once we were caught in the rain and we ran into a chemists and grabbed this thing and were like "This feels waterproof, but why is it so bulky?!" And they said "It's a packet of Pampers, you fucking goon." And then, walking home wearing three taped-together baby nappies around our waist we could hear people say "Oh my God, hecklerspray is either pregnant or a Paraphilic infantilist. Does he have a shitty film about a jealous lady ghost coming out soon?"

The answer, of course, was all three.

Read more:

Eva Longoria-Parker: I'm Not Pregnant – People 

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that's because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting. 

Pamela Anderson's blog, you see, has the word 'no' written on it. Twice. So that's another hope of ours dashed.

Forget what you've heard. Not about everything – that would probably be a bit catastrophic – but just about Pamela Anderson getting pregnant with Rick Salomon's baby. Because it looks like it was all just a case of wishful thinking on the part of everyone on the planet. 

In what we assume is a reference to the pregnancy rumours, the ever-eloquent Pamela Anderson has taken to her blog to write the following page-turner:

No

No.

Now, as we've said, we're only partially certain that Pamela Anderson is talking about this rumoured pregnancy of hers, although we could be wrong. For all we know she could just be answering the questions 'Are you a natural blonde?' and 'Hey, are those things real?'

Nevertheless, this must have all just made Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's break-up harder – in just pitifully small number of months they've hooked up, got married, filed for divorce and partially changed their minds and now they have a possibly invented baby on the way? It's just too much for a couple of bad-haired internet porn dimwits to take.

Still, now that the pregnancy has been denied it's good to see that Pamela Anderson is able to keep up her gruelling, near-annual marriage/ divorce/ magical disappearing baby workload up. Be proud, Pammy, you're doing well.

Read more:

No – Pamela Anderson 

For example, the entire planet is currently frothing around like billyo over speculation that Britney Spears is pregnant with yet another child. But, as we all know, Britney Spears has emphatically refuted these claims as "B.S." So now the magazine that broke the Pregnant Britney Spears story in the first place has gone public with the text messages it claims are from the alleged father, admitting that the pregnancy is real. So what's the truth? Either Britney Spears is pregnant, Britney Spears isn't pregnant or there's a murky, alley-dwelling unlicensed abortionist knocking around somewhere who's sitting on an effing goldmine.

There's no doubt in the world that Britney Spears enjoys being pregnant. If the statue of Britney Spears giving birth isn't a pretty good signal of this, then the way that Britney Spears posed naked for a magazine when she was pregnant with Jayden James should prove it. And if you're still not convinced, count the times that Britney Spears has displayed her vagina in public, as if to say "this is the place where all my little men come from."

However, as much as Britney Spears loves being pregnant, she obviously hasn't got used to the bit that comes afterwards yet, as the bad driving and the claims of abuse and the skull fractures and the losing custody to Kevin Federline – Kevin Federline! – go to show. So just because Britney Spears likes pregnancy, it's probably not something she should do very often. 

And that's why there's so much fuss being made about the state of Britney Spears womb at the moment. Earlier this week In Touch Weekly magazine claimed that Britney Spears was pregnant again, with a baby fathered by music producer JR Rotem. However, Britney Spears said that she wasn't pregnant and called the whole thing "B.S" – which is confusing because that could be an abbreviation for either "bullshit," "Britney Spears," "Baby? Sure" or "Boom Shack-A-Lack," an ultimately irrelevant reference to the 1993 Apache Indian number five hit.

But In Touch Weekly is determined to go down swinging, and it has released the text messages that it claims are from JR Rotem confirming the pregnancy. Along with an "it's true" message, In Touch also apparently received one from Rotem that answers a question about whether or not Britney Spears will keep the baby with:

"No clue on what she will do. She is unpredictable." 

So it looks like Britney Spears is pregnant after all. But, no, wait, JR Rotem has also gone to People magazine to say that Britney Spears isn't actually pregnant at all, saying that:

"There is absolutely no truth to this." 

You know who we feel sorry for if Britney Spears really is pregnant with her third child? Britney Spears' fourth child, that's who. Look at the pattern of Britney's decreasing pregnancy enthusiasm – when Britney was pregnant with baby number it was all smiles and happiness. Then Britney got pregnant with baby number two and called it a giant mistake. Now that Britney could be pregnant with baby number three, she's so embarrassed by it that she's denying it even exists, spawning all kinds of dark abortion talk. So on this basis, when Britney Spears gets pregnant with baby number four she'll probably end up stabbing herself in the womb with a carving knife on live TV or something.

Which, admittedly, would still pale against Britney's MTV VMA performance in terms of uncomfortable television moments.

Read more:

In Touch Gets Text Punk'D? – E! Online 

But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she'd emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody's ever heard of was the father. However, even though it's an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as "B.S". And, as we all know, "B.S" either stands for "Bloody Sertain" or "Baby! Shaboom!" so it's definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!

If you look at Britney Spears' life, you can divide it neatly into two parts. There was pre-baby Britney, where Britney Spears was a million-selling pop virgin with apple-pie good looks and a booty that made men of a certain age feel slightly uncomfortable with themselves, and then there's post-baby Britney.

As if you needed telling, post-baby Britney is the Britney Spears who shaves her head, pukes up, attacks cars, collapses, has lesbian romps in swimming pools, convinces herself that she's the devil to such an extent that she tries to kill herself and babbles in made-up languages. It's this behaviour that explains why, when told of yesterday's reports that Britney Spears was pregnant for a third time, most normal people clasped their hands to their mouths in horror and shed a solitary tear for the future of all humanity.

According to reports in the likes of Us Weekly and In Touch Weekly yesterday, Britney Spears is four weeks pregnant with a baby by JR Rotem, a music producer who's made tracks for everyone from 50 Cent to Rihanna to Leona Lewis to, oddly, Kevin Federline. JR Rotem apparently even went as far as confirming these rumours himself according to the magazine reports.

However, eager to spoil the party like she did at the MTV VMAs, Britney Spears has texted Ryan Seacrest to say:

"It's B.S, I don't know who made it up. J.R. doesn't even know what's up. It's fake, completely fake."

So that means it's true, obviously.

But if it isn't true, and Britney Spears hasn't been knocked up again, you'll excuse us for being a little relieved. After all, a court is currently convinced that Britney Spears is already such a terrible mother that she can hardly even see her existing children as it is, much less drive them around. So if Britney Spears did get pregnant again now, her career and personal life would probably be dealt a blow that not even she could recover from.

And that's ignoring the biggest issue here. As a fan of driving with her children balanced precariously on her knee, a third child would complicate things beyond question for Britney Spears. Sean Preston on the left and Jayden James on the right works well enough in theory for now, but a new baby? Why, that'd have to go in the middle. And, since Britney Spears is usually nude in the middle, that poor baby would have to suffer things that no human deserves to suffer.

Read more:

Spears Slams Pregnancy Reports – Daily Dish