Not Guilty - HecklerSpray

Kid Rock Charged With Batter-based Battery

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

We always find it hard to take when, after a long, arduous gig in front of thousands of our fans, the local waffle house we visit doesn’t have enough cream, strawberries or maple syrup to coat our tasty treats. So much so that we sometimes raise issue with it, politely make our points, then leave in something of a huff.

Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.

Shia LaBeouf Pleads Not Guilty To Smoking-Based Atrocity

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Yesterday Shia LaBeouf was a fugitive on the run from the law, like Harrison Ford in that film Working Girl.

Not today, though – today Shia LaBeouf has faced his crimes like a man, like Harrison Ford in that film The Fugitive. Well, not 'faced his crimes' exactly – Shia LaBeouf has pleaded not guilty to the awful accusation that he smoked on a pavement once.

But at least Shia LaBeouf actually got around to entering a plea this time – up until that point he had an arrest warrant on his head for not tuning up to court at all. It's a stern lesson to all that you can't run from the law, no matter how adorably boyish your iddle widdle puppy dumpling cheeks are.

Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty To Spazzy Waffle Brawl

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There's an old saying that goes 'Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but give a redneck a waffle and he'll smack you on the head with a chair'.

Unless he didn't smack anyone over the head with a chair. And yesterday, Kid Rock pleaded not guilty to that exact thing.

Kid Rock appeared before an Atlanta court yesterday to plead not guilty to five counts of battery and one count of simple battery following his alleged involvement in a Waffle House in October. If found guilty, not only will Kid Rock face a year in jail, but it'll also give Waffle House the chance to roll out its 'Waffle House: Fuelling Shit-Thick Redneck Dust-Ups Since 2007' ad campaign it's been so excited about lately.

Boy George Didn’t Chain No Flipping Hooker To His Wall: Boy George

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone's got their own hilarious crossed-wires story about a male prostitute, and Boy George is certainly no exception.

You see, it's been claimed that Boy George fell prey to that age-old male prostitute mix-up where one person thinks you both just want some cursory, meaningless, soul-destroying sex and the other one just wants to chain everyone to a wall against their will and threaten them for a bit. We've all been there.

Except that Boy George says didn't do any of that – at Snaresbrook Crown Court yesterday, Boy George pleaded not guilty to false imprisonment. Lucky his charge wasn't Looking More And More Like Phil Collins With An Underactive Thyroid, because then they would have thrown away the keys.

Akon Pleads Not Guilty To That Thing He Was Filmed Doing

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know that video of Akon angrily picking up a teenage boy and throwing him into a screaming crowd of people during a show? Yeah, Akon says he didn't do it.

Yesterday Akon appeared at a courtroom in Fishkill, New York to enter a not guilty plea to charges of endangering a minor and second-degree harassment stemming from the summer's fan-chucking incident. Pleading not guilty is a brave move for Akon because a) he was filmed doing the thing he's pleaded not guilty to and b) if he's convicted, Akon could end up spending over a year in jail. A year without Akon's blend of slightly derivative squeaky-voiced R&B music? Why, surely that's a punishment for us all.

OJ Simpson So Not Guilty It Hurts: OJ Simpson

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There are many things OJ Simpson is guilty of – being a bit of a douchebag, maybe, and having an unnatural obsession with his own faecal matter – but when it comes to armed robbery, OJ Simpson is absolutely not guilty.

That's according to OJ Simpson, at least – faced with a stack of felony charges that will see him spend the rest of his life in jail, OJ Simpson decided yesterday at a Las Vegas arraignment that he didn't actually have anything to do with any of it. OJ Simpson has pleaded not guilty to all 12 felony charges against him, on the basis that he only burst in on some unsuspecting sports memorabilia dealers with a gang of men in some sort of amateurish raid operation because they stole his shit and he only wanted his shit back. This argument means that the OJ Simpson trial – set for April – could set all manner of legal precedents for any other future angry shit-based misunderstandings that American citizens may wander into.