Celebrity death spreads like wildfire. As soon as someone as much as wonders if a famous person has died, American gossip websites leap into action with grainy photographs of random corpses. The latest, Bill Cosby.

Now, the man who is still the posterboy for dodgy knitted jumpers has been accused of being dead four times in recent years, consistently failing to be actually deceased. This latest death defying act was shouted on his Twitter account when he came out to tell everyone that he was alive.

He even appeared on the Larry King show last night to further underline his aliveness.

Of course, the tricky thing about this article is that he may well have died since he appeared on the show or last tweeted, but either way, Bill is pissed off that people keep insisting that he’s dead.

Yesterday morning, ‘Bill Cosby died’ was top of the trending topics which led to Cosby tweeting: “Again, I’m rebuttaling rumours about my demise”.

Back in February, Cosby wrote: “As you well know, a dead person cannot rebuttal… Therefore, I am rebuttaling to tell you that when I heard the news I immediately began rebuttaling and went into denial.” Admitting that ‘rebuttal’ is not a proper word, he added: “I don’t care, because I’m alive!”

Appearing on Larry King Live last night, Cosby said that dying wasn’t as fun as it used to be.

He then went on to complain about how much hurt this had caused to his relatives, with his daughter being prompted to phoning him up to make sure he was OK.

Yesterday he tweeted: “Emotional friends have called about this misinformation. To the people behind the foolishness, I’m not sure you see how upsetting this is.”

So, just to be on the safe side, we salute Bill Cosby for being both alive and dead. He’s the funniest, most influential zombie on the planet and, if it isn’t too much trouble, could he do that funny dance he used to bust-out on the Cosby Show?

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You know, since Michael Jackson died – we literally haven’t eaten a thing. We just can’t.

Well – not to say we can’t eat anything. What we mean is when we eat things now – we only consume things that we think he would have cherished. Like veal. Because it’s young.

We haven’t drank anything either – except for milk, juice, and water. Our family and friends tell us we have to eat something else or we’ll die. We say we refuse to – not in a world without MJ!

Lucky for our thinning frame, then, Michael’s not actually dead. Here’s video to prove it.

When several city employees stuffed Michael Jackson‘s body bag into the back of a mortician’s truck, we thought to ourselves ‘self, somethin’ don’t smell right up in here.’ It ends up it was our dog that didn’t smell right. He’d eaten an old burrito.

There were several things we didn’t like about that video – for instance – the ambulance driver seemed quite unaffected and emotionless. If Michael Jackson was really dead then he wouldn’t have been able to drive through all those tears. In fact, if Michael were really dead – that ambulance would probably still be idling in his driveway because an exhaustive search for somebody who wasn’t crying profusely would have turned up nothing.

Also – in frame 37 of that video we saw a Coke can kick across the bottom of the  screen – proving once and for all that Jacko had never actually set foot on the moon.

Wait… sorry about that – it appears we’re getting our conspiracies mixed up.

Anyhow – you know how right after the entertainer died there was a video of his ghost spreading all across the land? Well we’ve got another death-defying video for you. This one shows MJ actually stepping out of the back of a coroner’s van and being feebly escorted through a door. It was captured on a cell phone, and is obviously true because people involved with covering up his death probably had strict orders to not look around at all before opening up a car door and helping the most famous, recently-dead pop star in the world out for a breather.

Also – keep in mind before watching the video that MJs face is never, ever shown in it. Thus the person in the middle of everything could have been either Michael Jackson, or any number of thin, frail women.

Science definitely indicates it’s Michael, though.

Here’s what the Telegraph says:

“In the footage, which appears to have been filmed in an underground garage, a man is escorted from the back of a white van and through a doorway by a guard. While the man appears to have Jackson’s build and dark hair, his face is entirely obscured.”

So now, without further ado, we give you the concrete, 100% undeniable, ground shaking, incontestable, incontrovertible, indisputable evidence that Michael Jackson is so alive he’ll probably even perform at your funeral:

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The fact that Patrick Swayze is still around nine months after he was apparently given five weeks to live is clearly impressive.

What’s more impressive is that Patrick Swayze has got his pancreatic cancer on the run. He’s responding well enough to the treatment that he’s even made his own, admittedly quite rubbish-looking TV show.

So Patrick Swayze doesn’t seem like he’s on death’s door. And if you think he is, keep it to yourself, because Patrick Swayze is so furious about it that it’s all he can do not to get all penultimate scene of Ghost on your arse.

Manufacturers of limited-edition plate sets featuring badly-painted pictures of Patrick Swayze dancing in a vest and the slogan ‘Nobody puts baby in a corner… except pancreatic cancer. Patrick Swayze: 1952 – 2008′, we have some bad news for you. It doesn’t look like Patrick Swayze is going anywhere.

It’s astounding to think that back in March Patrick Swayze was given just five weeks to live because pancreatic cancer had taken hold in his body. But then the five-week mark passed. And then the five-month mark. And then enough time for Patrick Swayze to have to deny that he was going to star in Point Break 2 because he realised he wasn’t going to get out of it by dying first.

Between this and his new TV show Beast, it seems like Patrick Swayze has got his pancreatic cancer well and truly licked. Whether it’s because he was rich enough to afford the best cancer treatment in the world or because God doesn’t want him to leave Earth until he’s made a sequel to Letters From A Killer, a movie which He wrongly regards as a classic, it doesn’t matter. Patrick Swayze is on the mend and that’s what’s important.

Unless you’re the National Enquirer, because if that’s the case then what’s important is writing all kinds of stories about what a feeble old cancer-suffering wanker Patrick Swayze is as often as possible; something that Swayze himself has not unreasonably got the arseholes with. The New York Daily News reports:

“They’re reporting that I’m on my last legs and saying goodbye to my tearful family!” he railed. He called the coverage of his battle as “emotional cruelty” – especially, he said, “when hope is so precious… It’s upsetting that the shoddy and reckless reporting from these publications cast a negative shadow on the positive and good fight I’m fighting.”

Honestly, these people should know better than to morbidly follow every last gasp and croak of a man with a serious disease. Not only does it reflect very badly on the publications in question, but you also have to wonder if any of these journalists have ever seen Ghost.

Annoy Patrick Swayze in this life and he’ll come and get you from the next life. Or he’ll sort of jump inside Whoopi Goldberg‘s body and make her come and get you. Or he’ll help Demi Moore do some pottery. Or something.

Look, it’s ages since we last saw Ghost. Just, anyway, look, stop it.

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Hey, there, New Kids on the block fan(s?)! Good news!

Your favourite band member that isn’t Jordan or Joey or Jonathon or Danny is on the market again, and just in time for the NKOTB reunion tour.

That’s right. Donnie Wahlberg is available now that he’s getting a divorce.

Word is that he wants to be unfettered for the band’s reunion, which is totally smart because you never know when some chick is going to mistake you for your hot, drastically more successful younger brother. And you gotta be ready for that, man.

Today’s been a good day. We were able to avoid complete self-loathing by not being able to recall off the names of all 5 members of New Kids on the Block without looking them up. The day that we’re able to do that is the day we move to Cambodia with a faulty metal detector and wander around in some abandoned fields.

It’s also been a good day because we realized that Donnie Wahlberg isn’t dead. Wait, let us clarify…that’s why it’s been a more of a good day for Donnie Wahlberg as opposed to ourselves.

To tell you the truth, the news of Donnie Wahlberg’s non-death came as quite a shock, because we thought he was dead after shot himself and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. What’s that? Bruce Willis didn’t really die, either?? Then why has there been such a shocking lack of Look Who’s Talking sequels as of later?? We demand answers!

Anyway, Donnie Wahlberg is also not dead, but he’s also not fully married anymore. Both he and his wife of nine years, Kim Fey, filed for divorce on August 13th.

This is really sad news because everyone knows that it’s the dream of every impressionable, weepy, boy crazy preteen girl to marry the boy band member of her dreams.

That is until the young girl becomes a grown woman and realizes that a 40 year-old trying to relive the glory days of youth actually makes him look like bit of a twat, and she wishes she would have gone for the hotter, more successful brother with monster biceps.