But now that he’s had 48 stitches in his face, that’s all over. Now we’ll never have the pleasure of watching Vinnie Jones starring in would-be classics like Gimme A Room Wiv A Fackin View, ‘Owerd’s Bleedin’ Bellend and Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures? I’ll Give You A Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures Yer Filfy Nonce.

Anyway, nobody’s been charged for Vinnie Jones’ brawl. We could have said that to begin with, really.

One of the most disappointing things about meeting your heroes is that they’re never how you expect them to be. Comedians aren’t funny, TV presenters aren’t always friendly and actors are hardly ever charismatic without a script. But not all celebrities will let you down like that.

For instance, when Joe Pesci responded to a fan’s request for an autograph by allegedly attacking him – that fan must have been so happy, like he was an extra in Casino or something. And when Vinnie Jones last week allegedly reacted to similar fan recognition by starting the mother of all bar brawls, there must have been the same thrill – only on a much smaller scale, obviously, because Joe Pesci is a famous moviestar and Vinnie Jones is a bloke with a tree stump for a head.

But Vinnie Jones’ willingness to do what everyone wants and plough into people like a fleshy threshing machine as soon as they even so much as looks at him comes at a heavy price. During last Thursday’s scuffle, Jesse Bickett – the man who claims the fight was started when he recognised Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut from X-Men 3 – allegedly smashed a beer glass into Jones’ face, causing enough damage to require 48 stitches.

Still, although both Vinnie Jones and Jesse Bickett both spent a brief amount of time behind bars following the punch-up, it looks like they’ve both gotten away with it. Vinnie Jones was never charged and now, as TMZ reports, the charges have been dropped against Bickett as well:

Prosecutors have dismissed three counts of aggravated assault against 24-year-old Jesse Bickett, after he turned the actor’s face into a mangled mess of blood and glass last week. Minnehaha County State’s attorney Dave Nelson said, “After we had an opportunity to review all the evidence, we thought that the incident with which Mr. Bickett was charged was a result of a mutual combat situation.”

As for the rest of us, it looks like we’ll never get to know exactly what happened last Thursday night. Both Vinnie Jones and Jesse Bickett blame each other for starting the fight, and that’s not likely to change any time soon.

But, if the X-Men story is true, it just goes to show the level of bad feeling that Vinnie Jones has for X-Men 3. Let’s hope the feeling isn’t mutual  for everyone who starred in the movie because, let’s face it, nobody wants to be karate-kicked in the face by an angry Kelsey Grammer because he accidentally got called Beast, do they?

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Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Although he was recently arrested for flipping his truck over while possibly drunk, it’s important to remember that Shia LaBeouf is still only three years old.

And, as such, he’s very easily led. For example, right before the crash, Shia LaBeouf had been working on Transformers 2. When you take that into consideration, it’s no wonder he smashed his vehicle to pieces in the middle of the night – he probably though it was about to turn into a Decepticon and eat him for its dinner.

At least that’s what we’re assuming the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has decided, anyway, because it has chosen not to press DUI charges against Shia LaBeouf. The official reason? Insufficient evidence. The unofficial reason that we all know is true anyway? Because Shia LaBeouf is so cute and adorable that you just want to pick him up, wrap him in a hankie, put him in your pocket, take him home and keep him in a matchbox stuffed with cotton wool.

But Shia LaBeouf shouldn’t celebrate this news too soon. Partly because his definition of ‘celebrating’ seems like it might involve getting shitfaced and losing control of his car, but mainly because he still might lose his licence anyway. E! Online reports:

“When a person refuses to have a blood alcohol test it is an automatic suspension under the Department of Motor Vehicle regulations,” L.A. Sheriff’s Department spokesman Officer Steve Whitmore told E! News. “That is why the hearing is tomorrow is because he refused to have a blood alcohol test. It’s an automatic suspension.”

It’s unfortunate that Shia LaBeouf might lose his driving licence. We’re not saying that he doesn’t deserve to be punished for refusing a blood alcohol test, we’re just saying his gnarled stump of an injured hand is probably enough punishment. Because, face it, from now on every time Shia LaBeouf looks at that flappy lump of pointlessness hanging from his wrist like a latex bag stuffed with chicken carcasses, he’ll be forced to remember that fateful night and the events that led to it.

Oh, OK, we’ll admit it. We’re just bitter because Shia LaBeouf’s injuries mean he’ll never be able to run his fingers through our hair while feeding us strawberries under a parasol on a rowing boat in the springtime any more. We don’t think we’ll ever smile again.

That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the Pacino not talking to people unless they address his character ’slight mentalness’ and well into the zone of ‘whoops he may well just be a bit odd in the head’.

But rejoice! For the Baler has bailed out of the cop shop pending further questioning!

Though that does mean he may go and strike again, if he did do anything in the first place. God knows the tabloids warn us of these repeat offenders in Gordon Brown’s Britain.

It must have been difficult for the police questioning Bale, what with his penchant for not revealing any personal information in interviews, ever. The fact that he makes a habit of staying in character – accents and all – beyond filming and throughout promotional tours may well have pushed the whole police grilling into the realms of farcical. You could say it was something of a Dark Knight for all involved.

Amid rampant speculation about how or why Bale may have attacked his family comes very little in the way of actual, concrete information. There has been speculation that he simply shouted at his mum after she said something about his wife. But Christian’s close relatives are keeping just as schtum as the Batman himself, so we are still in the dark.
This, of course, irritates us in the world of highbrow journalism at hecklerspray, as it means we don’t get to employ our nifty quote function. There is this though, a statement released by Bale’s lawyer Simon Smith – it works as an excuse to bring up those large quotation marks:

“Christian Bale attended a London police station today on a voluntary basis. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police.”

No charges have been made as of yet, and Bale has been ordered to return for further questioning in September. That gives him nearly two months to roam the streets. Maybe all that time spent working with Russell Crowe on 3:10 To Yuma wasn’t a complete waste after all, and Christian took away some fine life lessons on things like phone hurling and general fighting round the world.

We can only hope that the release of Terminator Salvation, which stars Bale, isn’t hampered by a similar incident of alleged assault. Who knows? We can say one thing for certain about the Baler – he really is unpredictable.

Kid Rock is addicted to trouble, and it doesn't matter if it's the sort of trouble that involves physical violence or the sort of trouble that involves making dreadful redneck heavy metal that sounds like it should exclusively soundtrack cross-eyed, chipped-tooth monster truck rallies. But sometimes Kid Rock's penchant for trouble gets him into, um, trouble – like when Kid Rock decided to use the live, globally-televised MTV VMA awards this year to start a fight with Tommy Lee. However, despite everyone in the world seeing Kid Rock and Tommy Lee slapping each other like babies during the awards, police have announced that Kid Rock won't be charged for the brawl, mainly because they need all their MTV VMA manpower to try and pin a charge of Miming With Intent To Appal on Britney Spears.

Eventful occasion, this year's MTV VMA awards. Really MTV should be proud of itself, because it managed to fill this year's awards with Britney Spears being terrible and Shia LaBeouf blabbing the new Indiana Jones movie title and Kanye West shrieking like a nitwit and still end up with a rubbish show. But at least it went down swinging, much like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, who decided to spend much of their screen time swinging their arms at each other like a couple of yokels trying to swim up a waterfall.

Why Kid Rock and Tommy Lee fought is beyond us. Tommy Lee did try to tell us, but his account was like listening the the violent thoughts of a teenage council estate single mother screaming at her children so we'll just assume it was about Pamela Anderson instead. After the fight it was Kid Rock who was cited for misdemeanour battery by police – a charge which carries a sentence of up to six months in jail – but now Las Vegas police have decided that nobody is actually going to get charged with anything as People reports:

Kid Rock will not be charged in the fight with Tommy Lee at the MTV Video Music Awards, Las Vegas authorities said Monday. "The Clark County District Attorney's Office will not pursue a battery charge," Chief Deputy District Attorney Ron Bloxham tells Extra. "It should be noted that Tommy Lee has requested that there be no prosecution relating to the incident and there were no injuries to either person."

So all's well that ends well, even though we're putting Tommy Lee's kindness down to a desire to team up with Kid Rock and bundle Pamela Anderson's new husband Rick Salomon together, because Pamela's ex-husbands need to stick together. Also, don't worry if you missed the initial Kid Rock/ Tommy Lee fight at the MTV VMAs, because it's starting to look like Kid Rock wants to hold dramatic reconstructions of the scrap at every Waffle House in the land at the moment.

Read more:

Kid Rock Won't Face Charges In VMA Fight – People