Not Charged - HecklerSpray

Nobody Charged For The Vinnie Jones Destructo-Rampage

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Vinnie Jones was glassed in the face at the most inopportune time – he was just about the to start the Merchant Ivory phase of his career.

But now that he’s had 48 stitches in his face, that’s all over. Now we’ll never have the pleasure of watching Vinnie Jones starring in would-be classics like Gimme A Room Wiv A Fackin View, ‘Owerd’s Bleedin’ Bellend and Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures? I’ll Give You A Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures Yer Filfy Nonce.

Anyway, nobody’s been charged for Vinnie Jones’ brawl. We could have said that to begin with, really.

Shia LaBeouf Far Too Adorable To Be Charged With DUI

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Wow, this really is a lucky escape for Shia LaBeouf – every single copy of his bad new movie Eagle Eye has been destroyed in a fire.

Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Christian Bale Becomes New Superhero: Bailman

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Method acting must be great – it provides a surefire way of behaving like something of an idiot in polite society.

That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the Pacino not talking to people unless they address his character ‘slight mentalness’ and well into the zone of ‘whoops he may well just be a bit odd in the head’.

But rejoice! For the Baler has bailed out of the cop shop pending further questioning!

Though that does mean he may go and strike again, if he did do anything in the first place. God knows the tabloids warn us of these repeat offenders in Gordon Brown’s Britain.

Kid Rock Gets Away With Lame MTV VMA Scuffle

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Trouble is Kid Rock's middle name. Actually it isn't – it's probably Jeb or Enos or Clawfoot or something – but that doesn't matter because Trouble is also Kid Rock's best friend, wife, vicar and Meals On Wheels delivery operative.

Kid Rock is addicted to trouble, and it doesn't matter if it's the sort of trouble that involves physical violence or the sort of trouble that involves making dreadful redneck heavy metal that sounds like it should exclusively soundtrack cross-eyed, chipped-tooth monster truck rallies. But sometimes Kid Rock's penchant for trouble gets him into, um, trouble – like when Kid Rock decided to use the live, globally-televised MTV VMA awards this year to start a fight with Tommy Lee. However, despite everyone in the world seeing Kid Rock and Tommy Lee slapping each other like babies during the awards, police have announced that Kid Rock won't be charged for the brawl, mainly because they need all their MTV VMA manpower to try and pin a charge of Miming With Intent To Appal on Britney Spears.