Not - HecklerSpray

Jennifer Aniston Not Pregnant, Still Fairly Annoying

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

People, it’s OK – there’s not going to be a baby with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s blood running through it any more.

Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?

Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant With ‘A Bunch Of Made-Up Crap’

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We know that for a few blood-chilling moments yesterday everyone thought Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again – but it’s OK, she’s not.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Robert Downey Jr is Too Dumb to Understand The Dark Knight. His Words…

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Robert Downey Jr was known for some things, then everyone forgot who he was, then they remembered again.

And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Scarlett Johansson’s Lesbian Kiss With Penelope Cruz Update: it’s ‘Not Sexy’ (it is, They’re Lying)

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

When Scarlett Johansson tells you something isn’t sexy, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you believed her.

She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business – Penelope Cruz – then, well, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you went and told Scarlett she was talking a great big pile of crud.

The kiss they shared wasn’t a subtle ploy to distract everyone in the world from the fact that all the Hollywood types seem to be getting struck down with one illness or another. No, it’s just a part of that new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which is clearly going to be a great big bag of balls.

Aside from the scene in question, of course.

Paris Hilton Makes a New Video. One That Doesn’t Involve Sex.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

Bernie Mac Not Dead. May Be Dying. Probably Not Though.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

There are some ‘are they-aren’t they?’ games that we prefer not to play, as they’re simply not as much fun as they should be.

Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.

Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.

Possibly Pregnant Avril Lavigne Not Pregnant Says Avril Lavigne

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Imagine the glorious baby that would be created if obnoxious pop brat Avril Lavigne ever had a baby with syrup-faced goon Deryck Whibley.

And imagine it hard, because you won't get to see it for a while. Although reports have been fizzing around claiming that Avril Lavigne is expecting her first baby, Avril's reps have dashed everyone's hopes by claiming that none of it is true.

But, hey, at least now that she probably isn't pregnant Avril Lavigne gets to remain the cleverest and most mature person in her family. Unless she has a pet gerbil, of course.

Britney Spears Does That ‘Not Showing Up’ Thing Again

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hello, and welcome to the billionth edition of Britney Spears Does A Lot Of Dumb Shit That Couldn't Possibly Make A Jot Sense To Anyone, Not Even An Idiot Or A Child.

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it's starting to drain our will to live.

Look, Eva Longoria Isn’t Flipping Pregnant, Alright?

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you had a film about a crazy ghost coming out soon that looks awful – and a strike on to stop you promoting it on most TV talkshows – what would you do?

Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.

Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.

Pamela Anderson: Now Not As Pregnant As Hoped

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Stop, stop, stop – take the bunting down, unwrap the Larry The Hepatitis Monkey toy you've just bought, because Pamela Anderson isn't pregnant.

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that's because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting.

Pamela Anderson's blog, you see, has the word 'no' written on it. Twice. So that's another hope of ours dashed.