Britney Spears is no spring chicken any more, but she is loaded - and that's why she wants to spend $81,000 on cosmetic surgery.

According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears seems to think that the easiest way to solve all her problems is to spend $18,000 on getting her gut, hips and thighs liposuctioned, $25,000 to slam a less haggard pair of fake boobies inside her, $18,000 on a tummy-tuck and $20,000 on a brand-new schnoz. But why stop there? After all, if Britney Spears really wants all her troubles to go away she should also think about getting her hair Teflon-coated so she can't start indiscriminately shaving it off in a rage; also, surely the technology exists to replace Britney's tumpsy with something nicer to look at next time she goes out without any knickers, like a picture of a monkey or an LED news ticker.