Yeah, well done Big Brother – this gimmick of bringing in the housemates’ partners is working a treat, isn’t it?

Remember when Karly‘s boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what – Noirin‘s boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don’t know what to say – other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa‘s girlfriend in pronto.

But now Noirin’s gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – It’s not really a surprise that Marcus survived eviction last week – after all, he was up against Noirin, and even Pol Pot would probably have a pretty good chance of surviving eviction against her. But now that Noirin has gone, we might start to see signs of the Marcus we know and love again. You know, the one who grimly fixates on a woman and makes every second of her life an uncomfortable nightmare until she’s forced to tell him in no uncertain terms that she isn’t interested in him and he sulks about it for three weeks. Yeah, that’ll be fun. Bea, these next few weeks are going to be awful.

Charlie – Charlie is what people like to call a slow-burn housemate, which is a polite way of saying that he’s cripplingly boring and people only start to notice him after all the interesting housemates get evicted. And this is unfair, because in a true and just world, nobody would ever have to notice Charlie. Ever. Not even if he was the only housemate on Big Brother and he set himself on fire and spent 20 minutes running around in circles slapping at the flames and screaming. Why? Because Charlie’s life is an endless carousel that only involves him overstepping the line of decency and then looking mortified about it for an hour afterwards. He never learns from it either – as soon as he’s stopped being mortified it’s like his brain resets and he goes onto do the exact same thing all over again. Tiresome, Charlie. Tiresome.

David – Bear with us, because this one might take some explaining. We’re starting to think that David has a shot of winning Big Brother. No, no, come back – we have a valid reason for this wild and frankly deranged-sounding claim. Remember Brian Belo? Remember how he had absolutely no sense of social etiquette, constantly spoke in an overbearingly loud monotone and had a frightening preoccupation with cider? Substitute the word ‘cider’ for the words ‘Vivienne Westwood‘ and that’s a perfect description of David. And Brian Belo won Big Brother. So therefore, using the same logic, we can safely say that David is going to win Big Brother this year. And it’ll probably bring about the end of the world.

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Unless another self-absorbed bellend decides to hoik themselves over the perimeter wall, tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction will be a special one.

The housemates up for eviction are Noirin and Marcus – two thirds of the most unnecessarily melodramatic relationships in the history of Big Brother. If Noirin goes, both Marcus and Siavash lose their dream girl, and if Marcus goes… well, if Marcus goes there won’t be a little fat bloke dressed as Wolverine wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the Big Brother garden all the time.

So who’s going to leave the Big Brother house tomorrow? Let’s find out…

Marcus – For a plucky underdog, Marcus doesn’t half make it hard for anyone to like him. Ever since Noirin treacherously did the dirty on him by repeatedly telling him that she wasn’t even  romantically interested in him and then kissing someone else, Marcus has basically turned into a great big sulking toddler. All he’s done is plod around the Big Brother house in a duvet, refusing to talk to anyone like some sort of awful self-pitying, attention-seeking wazzock. So, on the basis that his contribution to the Big Brother house currently stands at nil, maybe Marcus should go tomorrow. But wait! Is that the genesis of a crush on Bea? Brilliant! Let’s keep him in and he can go through this whole sorry cycle again – maybe this time he’ll even self-harm! Woo!

Noirin - In a way, Noirin is the exact opposite of Marcus, in that she contributes to a lot to the Big Brother house, but she’s so transparently awful that nobody in their right mind would ever even consider rooting for her. But at least she’s consistent – she’ll pick a man who’s clearly several divisions lower than her in the attractiveness league, string him along until he’s head over heels in love with her and then instantly drop them like a stone. And look what she’s done – Sree reportedly slashed his wrists after leaving the Big Brother house, Marcus has turned into the world’s most surly caterpillar and now Siavash has just realised that his girlfriend probably won’t have him back now. Noirin even promised to get her vagina out while walking into the Big Brother house, and she hasn’t even done that yet, the bitch. Oh god, she’s got to us too. It’s no good. Noirin! Noirin! We love you, Noirin! Quick, someone get her out before we go terminal.

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Thanks to Kenneth rubberstamping his tossishness by legging it over a wall last week, there wasn’t a Big Brother eviction on Friday.

But there’s still one less Big Brother housemate than there was on Friday morning, and that’s all thanks to Tom. Tom – who you may recognise as the muscular posho who periodically thought he was Maxwell from Big Brother 2005 – also left the Big Brother house this weekend because – oh, actually, who cares? He was rubbish anyway.

Instead of profiling the housemates who’ve caught our eye this week, we’re actually going to look at some of the loose Big Brother couples today. Exciting…

Noirash (Noirin and Siavash): The biggest news of the Big Brother week – apart from the fact that Big Brother chose a bunch of tedious flakes to be the new housemates – is the kiss between Noirin and Siavash. Did Noirin kiss Siavash because she heard that he was a favourite to win Big Brother? Did she do it to forcefully demonstrate to Marcus that she isn’t interested in him? Did she do it because she’s a compulsive attention-starved tease with zero self-esteem who constantly needs a man to chase her to validate herself? Or does she just really, really like crappy-looking beards? Maybe we’ll never know. And we’ll never know because Marcus is currently millimetres away from the edge, and by ‘the edge’ we clearly mean ‘bludgeoning Siavash to death with the back of a shovel’. Still, it was beautiful while it lasted.

Chodrigo (Charlie and Rodrigo): Although all the Big Brother focus has been on Siavash and Noirin this week, there’s also been a slow creep towards relationship status between Charlie and Rodrigo. And not a moment too soon, either – what with the bed-soaking and the bottle-throwing, their semi-affectionate horseplay was getting darker and darker by the minute, and seemed bound to end up with Rodrigo carving the words ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?’ into his chest with some broken crockery. However, the timely introduction of David into the Big Brother house scared Charlie and Rodrigo into having a big gay snog with each other last week, and it seems likely that they’re only going to get closer and closer until one of them gets evicted. And it had better be Charlie. God, he’s awful.

Barfwit (Bea and Halfwit): In short, Halfwit clearly wants a piece of Bea but she isn’t having any of it. This is either because she doesn’t want to be tarred as an opportunistic hussy by getting together with a man on television, or because she’s freaked out by the idea of kissing Ming The Merciless‘ unbearable inter-railing nephew. We don’t know which of these is true, because we genuinely don’t care about either of them.

Later this week: The Big Brother eviction nominees. Provided there is an actual eviction this time. Cuh.

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Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option.

So a cull it is – this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe – which is ironic, because Big Brother‘s entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity.

We’re not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can’t be arsed, so let’s concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that’ll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then…

Noirin - If you saw Big Brother‘s eviction show last week, then it might have come as a surprise to see Karly get evicted, since the Big Brother crowd seemed determined to rupture their lungs by booing every time Davina McCall mentioned Noirin, alluded to Noirin or said a word that rhymes with Noirin like, um, sporran. Worse still, Noirin hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the Big Brother audience in the last seven days, apart from continue her creepy non-relationship with Marcus that’s becoming more and more like Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf every day. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Noirin this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Marcus – Everyone has got a friend like Marcus. You know the sort of friend we’re talking about. The one who you describe to other people by saying “Oh, yeah, Marcus is great. He’s really funny, yeah, he’s a right laugh. Top bloke. But, you know, it might not be a good idea to leave him alone around women. He gets a bit rapey sometimes.” And, unfortunately for Marcus, he’s trapped in a house with some girls. Specifically he’s trapped in a house with Noirin, who is a) his dream woman and b) completely disinterested. And it’s turning him into a complete tool, especially now that other housemates are starting to take an interest in her. It’s uncomfortable to watch. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Marcus this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Kenneth – Who ordered the giant arsehole? We’ve only got one with extra dickishness, is that OK? It’s dear old Kenneth, the man who, although officially calling himself an ‘international playboy’, seems to have been precision-designed to alienate everyone he comes into contact with. The Big Brother housemates hate him for his fairly obvious sleaziness and casual misogyny. The viewers hate him because he’s smarmy and insincere. And if Davina McCall doesn’t visibly shudder when she gets within six feet of him tomorrow we’ll be genuinely surprised. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Kenneth this week, but… oh, who are we kidding? Kenneth’s the biggest arsehole in the history of the world. Let’s just state his eviction as fact now and move on.

UPDATE – Oh great, it looks like Kenneth has escaped the Big Brother house of his own free will. So Marcus is it, then.

UPDATE TWO – The eviction’s been cancelled. We don’t know why we bother. We really bloody don’t.

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We’re confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it’s all Big Brother‘s fault. Sods.

Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn’t nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don’t these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT’S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS!

But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn’t shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let’s have a bloody look at them, then…

Siavash – Hey, fans of genuinely mental facial hair! Relax! Your hero Siavash should be safe this week. You see, Siavash has pulled off a very unusual trick in recent weeks. It’s known as ‘being fairly reasonable’. We don’t know where he got it from – we’re assuming that he copied it from someone, because nobody with a dress sense that alarmingly awful could come up the the idea of niceness by himself. And besides, Siavash was only put up for eviction this week because he’s got a slightly dirty mouth. And remember kids, swearing is cool AND grown up!

Dogface – You know when you go to the zoo and there’s a old couple of lions? And then the boy lion dies and the girl lion spends two months forlornly staring out into space before dying as well? Strap a pair of ridiculous comedy tits onto the girl lion and that’s basically Dogface’s predicament inside the Big Brother house. Since Kris was evicted, Dogface has had little to do except mope around, halfheartedly fend off a number of lesbian advances and moderately swear. The swearing’s why she’s been nominated, by the way. It’s like a kind of verbal euthanasia, or something.

Noirin - Look, we’re going to stick our neck out here and beg you. You absolutely must not vote Noirin out of the Big Brother house this week. By general consensus, this has been the dullest Big Brother ever, and the only housemate even attempting to punctuate that is Noirin. Yes, she’s opinionated. Yes, she’s loud. Yes, she’s completely alienated everyone else in the Big Brother house by acting like an uppity brat – but without her, what would Big Brother be? Three months of Rodrigo being reasonable? Ugh. UGH. Plus Noirin keeps promising to get naked and she hasn’t yet. That reason too.

Karly – And then there’s Karly, the favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. Which is bizarre, because it goes against every piece of Big Brother logic we’ve ever heard. Usually the public will need to remember that a housemate actually exists to evict them, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Karly. She’s tried to slip under the radar and failed, probably because she’s too busy doing her best to look like Fearne Cotton if Fearne Cotton had been born in a caravan and then bullied into prostitution at an early age by an abusive step-father figure. Anyway, it looks like Karly’s a goner.

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Hooray! Kris and his ridiculous floppy clown wig have been evicted from Big Brother! We never have to type the word ‘Krogface’ ever again! Hooray!

Let’s not dwell on Kris’ Big Brother eviction because, well, it was boring and he was boring and hopefully he’ll go away now. Instead, let’s focus on the good news – Big Brother is finally introducing some more housemates this week! Brilliant! A bunch of people who the Big Brother producers deemed to be even less interesting than the current lot are going into the least-interesting Big Brother house ever! Boy oh boy, this is going to be… oh, what’s the word? DULL!

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who have caught our eye this week…

Noirin – Noirin has spent the majority of the last week in the Big Brother house shouting at people. In particular she’s spent it shouting at boys. In particular she’s spent it shouting at boys who she has flirted relentlessly with because they had the temerity to think that, by flirting with them, she was actually flirting with them. Understand? No, us neither really. Either Noirin has a Something About Mary-style magical magnetism that attracts every man she meets to her, or all the boys in the Big Brother house are mental evil-eyed stalkers. And one of them is Marcus, so who can really say for sure? Of course, the third option is that Noirin has an absurdly high opinion of herself, even though she’s not quite as pretty as she thinks she is and not quite as clever as she thinks she is, and she treats everyone like an arsehole because of this. Or something. Look, we don’t know.

Dogface - Now that Kris has been evicted from the Big Brother house, it’s an absurdly exciting time to be Dogface. For over a month she’s suppressed her personality to maintain the dynamic of her relationship with Kris, but now she’s free she can soar. That’s assuming that Dogface does have a personality, of course – so far we’ve got the impression that she’s a pair of comically large boobs, a pointlessly gigantic haircut that looks like a peroxide tumour and very little else. But maybe Dogface can surprise us – maybe she’s a genius. No, that’s too much of a stretch. Maybe she has an above-average level of intelligence. No, that’s also too much of a stretch. Maybe she’s as clever as everyone else in the Big Brother house. No, once again that’s probably too much of a stretch. Maybe Dogface will be able to, with assistance, string a rudimentary sentence together. Yes, that’s much more like it. Miracles do happen, you know.

Halfwit - Oh look, there’s no point in us discussing Halfwit here, because he’s bound to be up for eviction this week again. Come back on Thursday and we’ll talk about him – particularly his new haircut, which makes him look like Ming The Merciless if Ming The Merciless had joined a youth-based committee for social organisation rather than just plunging straight into the whole galactic dictator thing.

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Poor old Angel. Just a few weeks into Big Brother and already she’s been evicted. How sad.

Whatever will Angel do with her life now? Apart, you know, from her professional boxing, professional singing, professional tattoo-artisting, fashion design, fitness coaching and all-round looking a bit like a man? We literally have no idea. That poor girl’s all at sea. We’d worry about her, but we’ll have forgotten what her name is by Wednesday so it hardly seems worth it.

Anyway, now that Angel’s gone, here’s who’s been catching our eye in the Big Brother house this week…

Krogface – Yes, Krogface. Bloody Krogface, OK? Kris and Dogface. Krogface. People will start calling them this soon. They will. Especially since, if their sole exposure to Big Brother this year has been through red-top newspapers, they’ll probably believe that Krogface are the only Big Brother housemates on the show. Every day in The Sun it’s Krogface this and Krogface that – but the thing is, Krogface are rubbish. They’re possibly the most boring Big Brother housemates of all time. Kris does nothing but mope around silently like Rod Hull‘s lobotomised niece, and Dogface is so completely vapid that we’re genuinely starting to believe that she’s a lost Samanda sibling who was cast out of the family as an infant for not even being as clever as her moronic sisters. We don’t even think that Dogface has managed a full sentence from beginning to end without making a mistake since Big Brother started. They’re awful. Please, let’s get Krogface out so she can get the obligatory Nuts cover out of the way and we can go about forgetting them forever.

Noirin - Now that Noirin has finally been allowed to stop drawing marker pen glasses on her face and let her eyebrows grow back, it’s about time that we celebrated her as the hottie that she is. Hooray! We’d quite like Noirin to be our girlfriend actually. Even though she spends most of her time being pointlessly confrontational towards anyone who shows her even the faintest glimmer of attention. And she’s completely infatuated with herself. And she’s convinced that she’s cleverer than she actually is, even though in reality she’s one of those awful sixth-formy wankers who constantly try so hard to look deep that they actually come across as the world’s worst kind of smugly vacuous jizzpot. And she’s an impossible arsehole all the time. Actually, you know what? We probably don’t want Noirin to be our girlfriend. She’s a berk.

Lisa – We’ve been ignoring Lisa a little since Big Brother started, and this has been for two reasons. Firstly, she looks like Lil’ Chris will once the inevitable crack addiction kicks in. Secondly, whenever she appears on screen it’s all we can do not to kick the TV over and smash it into splinters with our bare hands. Lisa is terrible – she seems to want to position herself as Big Brother‘s resident mother-figure, except that she’s so grating and genuinely unlikeable that she ends up coming across as the sort of abusive mother who you’d find in one of those Boy Named It-style misery-porn books. Everyone who disagrees with Lisa – which is everyone, because Lisa is an arse – ends up being subjected to a lengthy, angry, holier-than-thou diatribe that always seems to be based around the theme of “I can do whatever I like, right?”, and that’s literally all the woman does. Except for sing to herself, obviously, because Lisa seems to fancy herself as a bit of a pop star in the making. She isn’t. When she sings she sounds like Adrien Chiles being repeatedly smacked in the balls with a plank of wood. If you hadn’t guessed by now, we don’t really like Lisa very much.

Later this week – Big Brother eviction nonsense.

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Big Brother started on Thursday night, right? Wrong.

In actually fact, if you want to be bewilderingly petty about it, Big Brother only started last night. Because last night, the final housemates were given official housemate status. True, that meant saying goodbye to Beinazir, but we’re sure she’ll go on to have a bright future. Those Subway signs don’t hold themselves up, you know.

So now we know who the final Big Brother housemates are, the ‘fun’ starts here. Let’s take a look at the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye so far…

Noirin – Along with Rodrigo, who is so completely identical to Kenneth from 30 Rock that we now truly believe he sees people as Muppets, Noirin was the first Big Brother contestant to be granted official housemate status. Why? Because she shaved her eyebrows off and drew a pair of glasses on her face with marker pen. For many people that would be humiliating, but not Noirin – in fact, her tenacity was something to be applauded. “I’ve come this far already,” Noirin said through gritted teeth, seemingly putting the act of auditioning for a TV show that ran out of interesting people seven whole years ago as a level of bravery up there with with self-amputating a frost-bitten appendage with a jagged tin can in the middle of a disaster-prone Everest climb. And for that alone, Noirin, we salute you.

Sophie & Karly – We’re lumping Sophie and Karly in as one Big Brother housemate for the time being for the following reasons: 1) They’re both blonde, 2) They’ve both got big knockers, 3) They both look like they’d be genuinely stumped if someone asked them to spell their own names, and 4) If they haven’t posed on the cover of Nuts magazine standing together topless with their boobs touching by October, we’re literally going to eat a hat. In fact, neither Sophie or Karly need to win Big Brother, because their future as low-rent soft porn Television X preview presenters is probably already in the bag. But it was nice to see on Thursday’s Big Brother launch show when Sophie and Karly instantly gravitated to one another purely because they look alike. We were hoping that some of the other housemates would use the same networking tactic, but that didn’t happen. In Siavash‘s case, we assume that this was because none of the other housemates were heavily-sedated grizzly bears who’d been dressed up to look like Jesus by a medically-diagnosed cretin with cataracts.

Lisa – Oh Lisa, you gone and done tricked us, didn’t you? There you were, with your tattooed head and piercings and obvious lesbianism, looking like you’d destroy Big Brother from the inside out with your anarchy and mistrust of authority, and it turns out that you’re essentially quite a nice person. Look, we’re going to warn you once here, Lisa, and only once. Big Brother is no place for people who look like they know how to think. Your days here are going to be numbered, young lady, unless you knuckle down and do something more in keeping with your fellow housemates. Like, say, walk into a window again and again for 45 minutes wondering out loud why the air is so hard, or try and speak a normal sentence but get confused halfway through and just end up crying and dribbling down yourself, OK? Either that or out yourself as J from 5ive in drag, since that’s who you clearly are.

Kris – Kris would appear to be the male totty in the Big Brother house this year, which is a bit of a shame because he appears to be one of the Jonas Brothers in a Rod Hull tribute wig. But let’s go along with it anyway – Kris is sexy because his name is deliberately spelt wrong and his main competition in the sexy boy stakes is an over-privileged young Conservative with a funny hat and a name that’s now legally Halfwit. Who will Kris’s first inevitable Big Brother fling be with? The obvious choice is either Karly or Sophie, but we wouldn’t rule out Noirin just yet. Or Rodrigo, for that matter. A boy’s got needs, after all. Anyway, we’re convinced that Big Brother is going to wait until Kris is certain that he’s this year’s heartthrob, and then drop in a better-looking male housemate for no other reason than to destroy his self-esteem. It’s what we’d do, anyway.

Cairon – And then there’s Cairon, who achieved official Big Brother housemate status by putting a biscuit in some tea for about 20 seconds. This series is going to be non-stop excitement from beginning to end, isn’t it?

Later in the week: more of this Big Brother nonsense.

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