Articles tagged with: Noel Gallagher
It's hard to feel sorry for rock stars. They are, after all, rock stars, which usually means they get a paid a lot of money to be pretentious, go out with supermodels and trash hotel rooms. Or something like that. Very rock and roll. So when we hear they have somehow come up a cropper, it's hard to stifle a chuckle. None more so than when they are onstage performing their 'art'. And if it's an injury they inflicted on themselves doing something stupid, then, well, that's just perfect. Not that we enjoy laughing at the misfortunes of people who are more successful than us. Actually, that's a lie – we dedicated an entire website to doing that.
If you look out your window, you’ll see that the world is currently in a dire state. Once-proud businessmen are reduced to skeletal husks of men, scuttling around rubbish bins with only their own shoes for sustenance. Families are selling their beloved household pets for thirty pence so they can afford to buy a newspaper to live under for a month. Flaming corpses of villainous bankers pave deserted mud tracks which were once bustling high streets.
What with embracing capitalism and becoming a superpower and all, China's had a lot to deal with recently. But some things are still too much to cope with. Like lumpen, coasting indie music made by, in part, the bloke from Heavy Stereo, for instance. And that's why China has banned Oasis from performing there. The Chinese government's official explanation for the Oasis ban is that Noel Gallagher performed at a Free Tibet concert in 1997, although we've heard rumours that actually Vice Premier in charge of agriculture Hui Liangyu banned them because he much prefers the music of The Bluetones.
Oasis have been going for nearly two decades, and along the way you do have to give them some sort of credit. Instead of years of artistic exploration, they just decided to release their best album first and continue to bill new releases as “the best thing since sliced Definitely Maybe”. Only to disappoint every time. Last year Oasis released their seventh studio album Dig Out Your Soul. To be fair, it did have its moments but nothing that pushed the creative boundaries. This obviously proved to push one man to dig out his anger by attacking Noel Gallagher when Oasis performed in Canada.
Noel Gallagher isn't so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn't still 1996.
Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful - in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.
He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).
Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’. Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons: 1) It’s obviously bull-shit. 2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky. 3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkeys, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively Messianic assholes.
Noel Gallagher from Oasis is currently under police protection after a crazed fan burst in on the band during recording sessions at - wait a minute, Oasis still have fans?
Weird. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes - as Oasis were recording their new album at Abbey Road studios, a crazed stalker type apparently tried burst in on them, spooking them so much that they've hired a team of policemen to guard the studio for the time being. Not much is known about the identity of Oasis' new stalker, although he reportedly accused Noel Gallagher of ripping off all his music and lyrics for the new Oasis album during the encounter.
With that in mind, police are seeking to question Paul McCartney, John Lennon, any of Slade or a time-travelling version of Noel Gallagher from 13 years ago.
