Y’know rich, successful, universally adored and fancied Gwen Stefani? She’s not happy with her life. See, despite the fact that, now she’s single, she could do as she damn well pleases with whoever she goddamn wants to, she’s not liking the fact she’s a woman.

Poor Gwen. With those lovely woman boobs and lack of disgusting man-penis.

When Stefani comes back in the next life – which won’t happen because reincarnation absolutely doesn’t exist – she would like to come back as a human man.

She said:

“Until now I had two serious relationships. And one of the men I married!”

But has she missed out, what with having all that marriage?

“Absolutely not. A while ago a friend told me she dates two men simultaneously. That really blew me away! But in my next life I’m gonna come back as a man and behave like a bitch!”

She wants to come back as a man, but behave like a woman with two boyfriends?

Fine, whatever. If rumours are true that she’s splitting up with Gavin Rossdale (and you would totally dump him – have you heard Bush’s records? Exactly), then why doesn’t she stop this whole ‘waiting for reincarnation’ thing and just slag it up like the rest of us?

Well. Those of us lucky enough to attract other humans in a sexual way.

Either way, Gwen hasn’t learned her lesson at all and has a firm idea of what she finds appealing in a man. She is only attracted to people who are creative. Apparently, creative men are…

“super sexy”

Or, if you prefer ‘untrustworthy, impractical tramps’. Whatever floats your boat Gwen.

WAIT A MINUTE! SHE’S CALLED GWEN! WHAT IS SHE?! SOME KIND OF ’50s WELSH MINER’S WIFE? Sheesh. Can’t believe we only just noticed that.

Gwen Stefani has gone and done what everyone else in the world of celeb-o-vision has been doing recently.

Yes, she’s had a baby with that bloke from over here. You know, that one who used to be semi-famous for that one song his band did. Gavin… something. From Bush.

Anyway, whoever he is and Gwen Stefani have had another child, and they’ve named him after a brand of soft drink or something – Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.

What about John? Why not John Rossdale? Or Gavin, like his dad? That’s a normal name. The poor thing’s just being set up for a lifetimr of bullying.

Though we suppose the incredibly wealthy upbringing, rockstar/king of cool mum and… err… “rock” “star” dad will help soften the blow somewhat. Plus brother Kingston will be able to stick up for his little brother, as he is both older and has a better name, even if it isn’t David.

A statement was released to the press from the family, stating in a statementy fashion:

“Kingston, Gwen and Gavin Rossdale welcomed the newest member of their family. Mother, baby and family are all happy and healthy.”

We hoped for something more spectacular, but to be fair they were probably hard at work thinking of what to name the little bugger.

It’s not like that’s a name that could have been pre-planned – we simply wouldn’t place Gwen Stefani as being that cruel a person.

Gavin Rossdale! That’s the one! Ahem…

One good thing to come from all of these recent celeb births is that we have the potential to watch an unfolding social experiment over the course of years.

Which kids will end up in rehab? Which will eclipse their parents? Will we see a new Brat Pack? Will they be in a John Hughes film? What’s Judd Nelson doing right now?

Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Nevertheless, we hope our friends at Paddy Power will get involved in the odds-making. Fifty quid on Kingston and Zuma being more famous than their dad – though we do reckon the odds on that are about 1-400.

While we are happy that we’ve got yet another celeb-o-birth that has managed to avoid a giant amount of fanfare, we can’t help but feel let down for the amount of quotage we’ve been provided. How are we supposed to successfully pad out an article if you’re only going to release a two sentence statement? It means we have to resort to quotes like this, as reported by Channel 4 News:

“Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale was born in Los Angeles on Thursday afternoon, weighing in at 8lb 8oz (3.9kg).”

Which really doesn’t work too well. Though it does remind us that the poor little blighter is called Zuma – but, to be fair to him, he can just make people call him Rock. It is his name, after all.