NME - HecklerSpray

Robbie Williams Carelessly Murdered By Misguided Dream Assassins

January 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams?prophesied?that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been ?having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

HecklerPlay Review: Yuck In Manchester

August 5th, 2012 By Si Sharp

Effortlessness is of course the cornerstone of cool.

That's why the Chesterfield hanging out of the corner of James Dean?s mouth is better than the Benson being desperately tugged on by the 14 yr old on the corner of your street. It's why more guitarists want to be Hendrix than Angus Young. It's why every indie rocker in the late 80s wanted to be J Mascis.

And with that Dinosaur Jr reference we?ll move clumsily and rather obviously onto Yuck, a band who seemingly can't be described by writers outside of the context of their apparent influences. Which is a pity since Yuck?s crime isn't sounding derivative, it ?s sounding authentic.

Liam Gallagher Likes Picking On People With Mental Health Issues

November 14th, 2011 By Michael Park

Are you a big Liam Gallagher fan? One of those people that claims that ‘Definitely Maybe?’ is one of the finest albums ever made and believes the knuckle-dragging Gallagher brother to be a tortured musical genius? Read something else. This article isn’t for you.

Why is it not for people like that? It’s simple: those people are wrong.

Gallagher is so obsessed with his own self-anointed position of “Outspoken Rock Star” that he’s pretty much willing to take a pop at anyone for no reason whatsoever. If he’s not telling reporters that he wants to kill people who use twitter or hiding in a corner, terrified of the moving little men in his television, our Liam is having a dig at people with mental health issues.

Reading Festival Is Rearing Its Ugly Head Again

March 17th, 2011 By Kris Silver

The great Reading Festival ticket rush is right around the corner, which is causing people of no?discernible?music taste to wet themselves with glee while the rest of us look on in astonishment that this festival manages to sell out year after year.

The Reading and Leeds festivals are one of those bizarre anomalies that perplex music fans the world over. How can a company put on a festival with weaker line-ups, higher ticket prices and more problems than we're legally allowed to mention and yet continue to draw a huge demand for tickets?

The answer is obvious. Hipsters.

Razorlight Pull No Punches By Announcing Their Next Album Will Be Dreadful

January 27th, 2011 By Michael Park

For the last decade, music-lovers up and down the country have been looking at their CD collections and smiled delightedly that they don’t contain any CDs by populist indie band “Razorlight”.

Johnny Borrell’s boys have been flying off on a tangental point of mainstream popularity for the last few years but have finally announced their comeback with a brand new line-up and- apparently- a blind stylist into the bargain.

One of the most important things for a mainstream rock band looking to take their music in a new direction is to make sure that they release a good press shot that really makes a statement of intent for the upcoming tour/album/book/accompanying chat-show tour.

Rock Is Dead! Nominations Announced For NME Awards

January 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Rock music is a sickly old dog at the minute. Think about it – pop, hip-hop and electronic music are spitting out exciting new bands every week, yet rock is really ailing, relying on older bands to show the way. Is it a good thing that Radiohead are one of the only innovators in rock?

Not in the slightest. And besides, Radiohead aren’t that great either (just buy the records they listen to instead if you want your kicks).

And so, this year’s NME Awards is the beacon, burning on rock’s coffin with a bunch of musical codgers (in rock and indie, time works in fly-years so by the time you’re in your mid-thirties, you’re ooooold).

Bad News, Paramore Haven’t Broken Up

January 6th, 2011 By Kris Silver

Hayley Williams, lead singer of faux-rock band Paramore, is in the news again and this time she's managed to do it without exposing her, frankly disappointing, baps out for the entire world to see.

Apparently Williams is upset that people she is alleged to have forced out of the band aren't happy about being allegedly forced out of the band.

Earlier in the week former Paramore guitarist Josh Farro royally through his toys out of the pram and wrote a scathing blog post that detailed how he and his brother Zac felt forced out of Paramore, possibly by Williams? chest.

Petition Launched to Make Bono History

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

During the propaganda videos issued to promote Live Aid 2: Twenty Years On From The First One, we were presented with lots of images with Bono. This imagery was extremely powerful.

Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their ‘caring profile’, Bono told us that ‘every time I and my mates click their fingers, an African child will die’. There was, of course, a simple solution to this: stop bloody doing it – don’t abuse your weird powers.

Aside from his world-saving duties, Bono likes to occasionally rock out with a little known Irish band called U2. Though named after some awful text speak, critics are saying the band could someday be big, if Bono himself were to shut up telling everyone off all the time and dictating to us, the lowly public, what we should do in life to save the universe.

Thankfully some people want to stop Bono bleating on and have launched a petition to stop him. We’re not sure how they intend to stop him, but hopefully it won’t be by freezing him. This would, of course, leave the possibility open for him to be thawed out in 3000 years. Imagine the unfortunate luck for the poor sods then. And would Bono be able to operate a flying car?

Morrissey Explains Why He Thinks Immigration Is Brilliant

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

OK, not quite. But Morrissey has decided to tell his side of the Morrissey/ NME immigration yarn to the most unbiased arena in the land – the official Morrissey website.

Last week, Morrissey's torrent of alleged anti-immigration codswallop shocked all NME readers – so basically about a dozen 14-year-olds with funny haircuts and cupboards full of skinny ties – to such an extent that Morrissey was forced to sue the magazine. And today on his website, Morrissey is going to explain that actually he's not a racist, that the NME ignored his requests to help out on an anti-racism campaign and – perhaps most shockingly of all – the interviewer fidgeted a bit and laughs like a schoolgirl.

Oh, it's on.

Morrissey Vs NME: Racist Lawsuits A-Go-Go

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Morrissey – the man who appears on the cover of this week's NME spouting enough anti-immigrant polemic to make Anne Widdecombe look like a straggle-haired pot-smoking hippy – has had enough.

According to the NME, Morrissey spent the duration of a recent interview banging on about how crap immigrants are and how England isn't England any more like some of dribble-chinned retired bombardier who's just learnt that three extended Kosovan families have bought the house next door. However, Morrissey seems adamant that that everything in the NME interview is a big fat lie, and so he's followed through on his promise to sue the magazine for everything it owns.

And by 'everything it owns' we mean three Klaxons promo CDs, a sperm-stained poster of The Horrors and as much hair gel as he can possibly eat.