Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I swear Nicole Scherzinger has a near-perfect body. She’s slim, with a tight stomach, sexy legs, proportionate breasts and one hella-hot fuck-me face.
No, she’s not black. She’s a half Filipino half Hawaiian-Ukrainian beauty and the only one who could actually sing in the Pussycat Dolls. Which totally doesn’t mean anything at all because you’re just here for the nudes. I mean who the hell cares about her career and achievements, right?
To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.
Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?
Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.
Drake is one of the world’s most hyped rappers on the planet despite releasing lame song after lame song. And his latest album, Take Care, has been delayed, presumably because it’s so poor that it’s hiding under the stairs, surrounded by people trying to cajole it outside.
As a teaser for just how lame it is, a new song called Make Me Proud featuring Nicki Minaj, has been leaked.
Yes, you can hear it over the jump and yes, Drizzy (when will this ‘izzy/’eezy thing end?) showcases rap in the style of The Little Book Of Calm. Again.
You. You’ve thought about dying. Of course you have. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human. Look at you. You’re an embarrassment compared to your friends with their careers, savings, mortgages and stupid pets.
Of course, they’re worthless and resentful as well. They know people doing even better than they are. And this continues all the way to the toppermost of the poppermost, where they tell us, it’s lonely at the top.
And so, the entire human race wants to die. And Nicki Minaj is expecting us to give two hoots about the fact that she wanted to die before she was famous because she’s foolish enough to think that fame will solve her demons. HAHAHA!
Nicki Minaj got everyone outraged when her left nipple leapt up and freed itself from the shackles of her clothing on Good Morning America. And now, former Destiny Child Kelly Rowland has joined the nipple slip club.
That’s right. Her boobs have popped out.
During a routine at a concert in West Orange, New Jersey, Rowland’s top – which was already pretty revealing (showing off some serious underboob) – rode up and unveiled her breasticles for everyone to see. And yes, you can gawp at them over the jump.
How did people entertain themselves in the days before electricity was invented? Imagine life a trillion billion years ago when there was nothing on the planet apart from your fellow human and stupid animals. People actually had to use their brains to amuse themselves, urgh.
Caveman drawings have given a small glimpse into what our ancestors got up to, but there's one activity that is as popular as it ever was, and it involves the humble nipple.
From self exploration of your own, to nipple twisting someone else?s to cause them pain, its fun for everyone involved. You?d assume that everybody would embrace their bodies and not become overly offended by something they already have. Think again morons, because over in America, the sight of a nipple causes a blazing uproar and during a recent performance for Good Morning America, Nicki Minaj offended everyone. And probably Jebus.
The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.
So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?
Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.
Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.
Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.
So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.
The problem with the Kardashian sisters is that they are not uniformly attractive. Thanks to their constant attention seeking, one has no idea whether to get excited or not if one of them has a risque mishap. To be on the safe side, always meet this news with a weary sob.
And so, with the news that Khloe Kardashian has had a nipple slip, or a boob-boob if you prefer, should you be excited?
Well, seeing as Khloe is the one that has a face like a second-hand sofa, it is probably fair to say that you shouldn’t get too excited. Although, that said, you shouldn’t worry about it because a) She doesn’t know you and b) She’s getting excited on everyone’s behalf. Seriously. She loves it. And we have a picture of it for you to shrug at.
