Love Mario Kart do you? Get a kick out of throwing bombs at meek looking tortoises do you? You sick, sick excuse for a human being. It’s appalling that you don’t feel any remorse about throwing blunt objects at people’s heads.

It’s not real is it not?

Think again, because the most amazing thing has happened! Someone has gone and made real-life Mario Karts. That’s right. Yes, it is fine to start masturbating now. There’s a video over the jump so you can see them.

If Mario Kart 7 for the Nintendo 3DS wasn’t enough for you (you spoiled shit), then check this out!

Nintendo teamed up with West Coast Customs to make REAL LIFE SIZE YOU CAN DRIVE THEM Mario Karts for the 2011 LA Auto Show.

You make recognise West Coast Customs because they’ve been on television pimping people’s rides. Sorry. Can’t remember what the show is called.

Anyway, they made two vehicles – Mario’s red kart (complete with giant exhaust and hang-glider) and Luigi’s ace Bumble V.

Even better is that one of the karts will eventually be given away to a member of GameStop’s PowerUp Rewards program.

If you know what that means, act now.

With E3 over with for another year, I thought it was time to take stock.

Well, I have had a great time and really enjoyed trying out lots of new games.

The highlight of the trip was meeting McLovin from Superbad, but really, I have to say, my celebrity quota has been quite poor – maybe they have actually heard of us.

In fact, the only thing I’ve probably caught is pig flu.

Anyway, I thought now was the time to reflect and being the bloke who does most of the lists on this site, I thought I would go through the biggest winners and losers from E3.

On Monday, I am also going to tell you which of the games I tried I would definitely buy, and which I wouldn’t touch with a bargepole.

Then I’ll stop droning on about bloody E3.

WINNERS
1. Booth girls

Who would have thought so many attractive girls were into gaming?

In fact, they are so into it, they spend most of their day at their favourite stand and even dress up for the occasion.

It’s wrong to admit, I know, but I spent most of the first day gawping at the booth girls followed by several moments of self-loathing as I realised just how young they are.

What I found particularly amusing is that while they are happy to lap up the attentions of thousands of sweaty, eager men, a quick look of disdain at any gamer who fancies his chances is never too far away.

So which was the best one? Definitely the EverQuest girl. Sad, isn’t it?

2. Ubisoft

Ubisoft really set the standard, with some very impressive demos for Assassin’s Creed 2, Ruse and Splinter Cell: Conviction, topped off with an early look at Avatar, which is due out in October, a couple of months before James Cameron’s ground-breaking movie.

Even legendary Hollywood producer John Landau was trundled out for every 40-minute showing to put us in the frame.

It certainly looked amazing, my only concern is that without 3D TV, you really are not going to get anything other than a pretty good third-person shooter.

3. Apple
OK, I am sure Apple was hardly holding their collective breaths at Microsoft’s expected announcement that their ‘iPod killer’ ZuneHD would somehow be integrated into the Xbox experience.

But, despite being promised that at E3 “attendees will see first-hand how Zune integrates into Xbox LIVE to create a game-changing entertainment experience”, all we got was the news that Zune Video Marketplace had moved on to Xbox Live.

Where was Zune audio? And where was the deeper Zune integration we were promised?

If Microsoft are going to get anywhere near Apple on this, they need to speed things up. I cannot see myself ditching my iPod in a hurry at this rate.

4. Activision

With DJ Hero, developed by FreeStyleGames and available on Wii, PS2, PS3, Xbox 360 in October, and Modern Warfare 2’s breathtaking demo at Microsoft’s press conference on Monday, Activision were the standout stars of E3.

5. Mario

With four new Mario titles announced for this year – DS Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story, Super Mario Bros, Super Mario Galaxy 2 and Mario vs. Donkey Kong: March of the Minis – it is going to be another great year for the pint-sized plumber.

6. Sony

Sony was almost relegated to the loser camp because of the really boring press conference and their failure to introduce a new, slimmed-down version of the PS3.

But with PS3 exclusives, like the quite brilliant UnCharted 2 and Gran Turismo 5, and the impressive PSP Go, this could well be a good 12 months for Sony.

7. Electronic Arts
I was not that impressed with the previews for Dante’s Inferno, Army of Two: The 40th Day, Brutal Legend or Fight Night: Round 4, but in Mass Effect 2 EA probably had the best game at E3.

8. THQ
The new Homefront and Red Faction games are sure to be huge hits.

9. Microsoft

Microsoft has simply blown Nintendo and Sony away this week. Their press conference was the only one where I did not feel I would have happily gnawed my own hands off just to get out of.

Plus, I am genuinely excited, if not a little creeped out, by ‘Project Natal’ and the latest social media add-ons to Xbox Live.

Their presentation was packed with A-list celebrities, moved along at a fast pace and was genuinely exciting.

The announcement of Metal Gear Solid: Rising coming to the 360 was the icing on the cake.

10. Lego

Lego: Rock band

OK, I’ll admit I am a sucker for Lego. Since I was a kid, I have loved everything Lego – and nothing has changed much since. In fact, I would like to make the whole world Lego, if I had the chance. I could call it Legoland – imagine that?

If Sting turned himself into a Lego character, I might even like him. OK, maybe not. Anyway, this year’s E3 saw new titles such as Lego Rock Band, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones and Batman.

They all looked brilliant and are sure to welcome new generations into Lego. Remember kids: don’t make war, make Lego.

11. E3 organisers
After last year’s bore, organisers should give themselves a collective pat on the back after delivering an event that was packed with exciting events, news and exhibits. It was back to the old days.

LOSERS
1. Our wallets
If Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft are serious about picking up new gamers they are going to have make it affordable. This year’s E3 yielded not one price cut from the big three.

2. Handheld controllers

Microsoft has really set the cat among the pigeons with their ambitious Project Natal – an impressive and complex full-body, hands-free motion-sensitive control system.

It dared to ask the question: do we need controllers at all? And even suggested the traditional games controller has long been the barrier to more people becoming gamers.

Sony, whose own PS3 motion controller does actually have, well, a controller – a buttoned device with a glowing sphere at the top – disagree, insisting gamers like to feel something in their hand (I know I do).

And they certainly have a point – Microsoft’s bold vision provides more questions than answers.
But one thing is for sure: the way we look at games controllers is going to change.

3. Nintendo

The best thing I can say about Nintendo’s E3 performance was that it was not as bad as last year’s. Fantastic announcements, like the new Mario, Metroid, Golden Sun DS and Zelda games, could not save it from finishing a distant third in the battle of the big three at E3.

Now, before Nintendo fans stop start having a go, quoting sales figures etc and such, I am only talking about their performance at E3.

And no matter how many time Nintendo fans whooped during their drab press conference at really insignificant moments, it does not cover up the fact the only thing they had to show off – Wii Motion Plus, a small cube that plugs into the bottom of your Wiimote, allowing the controller extra sensitivity – was announced at last year’s event.

What made it particularly annoying is that the speakers failed to even recognise that fact.

Sure, by the looks of the demo they provided on Wii Sports Resort, it will certainly sell.

But where were the announcements for a bigger and better Wii Balance Board and more Wii MotionPlus games?

4. Sony online
Really disappointing E3 from the Sony online team, whose only notable new game, DC Universe, looks a flop.

5.    The weather
I cannot believe it is sunnier in London than in LA. Apparently, the locals call it ‘June gloom’.

Typical. Mind you, still managed to get sunburnt.

6.    LA cab drivers
I thought London and New York cabbies were rude, but these are a breed apart.

The pick of the bunch was a guy who told me to get out, stop being lazy and walk back to my hotel. Now, he had a point. It was a 15-minute walk. But it was raining and I had been on my feet all day. And, besides, what’s it got to do with him.

So I lost my rag and walked home in the rain anyway.

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10 – If any of you are new to the internet, please be warned that about four-fifths of it is exactly like this…

9 - A man visits the set of Terminator Salvation and does his best not to point out that it’s really going to suck. A lot - Premiere

8 - Burger porn. It’s OK for work, unless you work for PETA. Then you will DIE – Houstonpress

7 - There’s a fire-breathing robot dog in London. Just, you know, a heads-up - Fanboy

6 – The best virals of the year. The fact that we recognise all of these is proof that we need a new job – Videogum

5 - 10 things some bloke wants Apple to make. Clearly missed off ‘girlfriend’ on purpose – Techradar

4 – Something good from The Onion – Theonion

3 - Scientists can detect dementia by gauging how well they understand sarcasm. Note to 85% of our readers: you all have dementia – News

2 - Nintendo terrifies the young – Gonintendo

1 - Mean, mean quotes. Memorise them all – Menshealth

It’s so easy to hate, you know.

Just take a look at hecklerspray‘s regular Badvertising feature, in which we take commercials presently oozing from your television screen and vehemently assert how rubbish they are. It’s a non-stop loathefest. And we’re tired, people. Tired.

So. We’ve decided to take a short break, see. Instead of showing you something lousy, we’re going to treat you to what is hands-down the best commercial ever made.

This is a 1992 advert for the Nintendo game Legend Of Zelda, and we’ll be damned if it doesn’t have the catchiest pop number this side of The Monkees, a strangely androgynous lead character battling all sorts of monsters, a crazy caged Princess and a dance routine that – in any sane universe – would be sweeping club floors nationwide.

What is actually happening in this commercial? We have no idea. Enjoy.