Director Guido Contini lives a life defined by glamour, excess and the attention of a thousand beautiful women…

In this Hollywood remake of the Broadway musical Nine, you’ll wonder how the Italian, played by Daniel Day Lewis, doesn’t wake up castrated… hell hath no fury, after all. Set in Venice circa 1960, the award winning musical throws you into Contini’s chaotic world: after his 40th birthday, the film director thinks it’s all downhill. He has a midlife crisis and suffers from a creative blank while the women around him – Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson and Penelope Cruz (to mention just a few) – dance scantily clad to the music of his demise.

Nine is about reaching your peak, falling off the top and finding yourself in the brothel of life. Music, Romance and decadence are abundant in this tri-coloured Italian extravaganza, get ready for a mouth-watering sing-song from the city of masks.

So that’s that, then – the next time you see OJ Simpson will be somewhere in the tiny window between 2017 and 2041.

On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year’s bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we’re looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What’s My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny.

That’s unless OJ Simpson’s appeal is successful. Oh, didn’t we mention that part?

We’ve got the right hump with Nevada at the moment, we don’t mind telling you. Why? Because it’s spoiled our fun, that’s why.

For years OJ Simpson has been livening up our gloomiest moments with his inimitable presence, either by getting thrown out of restaurants by men who think he’s a murderer, writing books so galactically ill-advised that they barely seem conceivable or losing his possessions to a family who seem convinced that a dodgy knock-off Rolex will somehow ease their grief.

But that won’t be happening any more. On Friday, during his sentencing for the armed robbery that he was arrested for last year, OJ Simpson discovered that he’d be spending anywhere between nine and 33 years in the slammer. That means that, if he’s fortunate, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see work begin on an actual elevator to space and, if he’s less lucky, OJ Simpson will be released from jail in time to see the last remaining polar bear drown as the arctic icecap melts away to nothing.

The truth is that OJ Simpson will probably end up serving a jail sentence somewhere between those two dates. But he shouldn’t get down, because it still gives him plenty of time to a) cover himself in several quickly-infected self-drawn tattoos, b) befriend a long succession of rats and birds, getting driven further into the realms of disturbing insanity each time one of them dies and c) be violently bummed so often that his rectum will prolapse and hang out of his bumhole like a smelly tail or the queen’s egg sac from the Aliens or something.

Or maybe it won’t because, somewhat inevitably, OJ Simpson has decided to question his sentence with what seems like a fairly frivolous appeal. AP reports:

“This is not a frivolous appeal,” Yale Galanter, Simpson’s lawyer, said. “There were some grave errors made by Judge (Jackie) Glass, and we think they are strong enough to overturn the conviction. We also think we have a shot at bail.” Galanter has cited six initial issues for appeal. The most significant concern could be the exclusion of blacks from the jury selection.

Oh, don’t pretend that you didn’t see this coming – the court was asking for trouble when it filled the jury with nothing but angry white people. But whether or not it’s enough to warrant a retrial remains to be seen.

But if it does, the court will need to get a wriggle on – given the sheer amount of fake heart attacks that characterised his trial, the court runs the risk of losing several important witnesses to anything from fake cardiac arrests to fake spontaneous human combustion, and nobody wants that.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Watch any teatime broadcast of Baywatch and you’ll see Pamela Anderson as a Barbie doll of a woman who saves drowning pensioners and children whilst prancing around in a red swimsuit.

But behind the smile and massive hooters lies a dark secret, as it’s been revealed that Pamela Anderson was brutally attacked as a child. Not by a pack of wild dogs full of explosive rabies or a perverted old man, but by a menacing gang of leeches. Maybe she looked at them funny.

Um, that’s the top and bottom off it really. However, with our powerful contacts on the inside, we’ve been granted the ins and outs of a police report filled against the leeches that have permanently scarred Pamela on the left shoulder. Some details are sketchy, but we’ve done our best to sum it up for you.

Once. when Pamela Anderson was young, sexually naive and unaware of the evils of camcorders, she was playing in a lake. For no apparent reason she was then set upon by a gang of wild leeches who were drunk and high after downing a cocktail of drugs or something.

After politely rejecting the advances of the ringleader of the gang, the leeches grew angrier and angrier. They got closer to the innocent Pamela who was minding her own business. As the gang approached, it was clear they didn’t want to play dress up with our helpless heroine.

Ugly words were exchanged, ones that opened Pamela’s eyes to how cruel the world can be. Soon things got too heated and what followed is so disgusting and twisted that we can’t even publish them. Thankfully though, the leeches fled as Pamela’s ear-piercing screams alerted a nearby hillbilly fisherman to fight off the beach.

Now 40, single again and definitely not desperate for some press to remind us she’s still mulling around, she gingerly told Craig Ferguson:

“I have a scar on my left shoulder where leeches attacked me in a lake when I was nine.”

It is with deep regret, however, that the culprit of this vile crime is still at large. Everyone at hecklerspray is still shocked and disgusted that such a sick individual is still on the lam. If you have any leads that will apprehend this monster, we will stump up the sum of £1,000*. Help us before he/she strikes another innocent victim.

With the bravery of this one individual, will it open the floodgates for other celebrities to tell us of their horrific hidden secrets? Will Hilary Clinton tell us how she battled off the advances of her husband Bill and a pack of Marlboro slims? What about Snoop Dogg? Will he come clean and tell us that he is owned by one man’s favourite animal creations after he lost a poker bet. Hecklerspray surely hopes so.

God bless you Pamela for finally coming clean with details of your turbulent past. You’re an inspiration to all.

Read more:

Pamela Anderson Attacked By Leeches – EntertainmentWise

*no.