Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.

That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.

And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.

What nearly pushed Louis into the abyss is the recent accusation from the marvellously monickered Leonard Watters, who said that the  X Factor judge groped him one on the nuts in the latrines of a Dublin nightclub. If you didn’t know, it turns out Watters was making it up and got himself prosecuted for making false claims.

Not that this made Louis feel much better. Even after his name was cleared, he stared at himself in the mirror, pulled down on his sagging face and thought ‘I think I’ll let this ordeal stay with me for the duration of my life’.

He melodramatically says:

“I’ve changed forever. This has made me physically ill. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost so much weight that my suits don’t even fit me anymore. I can’t even get a proper night’s sleep, so I’m exhausted. When I drift off I suddenly wake up in a blind panic. The panic attacks are awful. I have to calm myself down and say, ‘It’s over, I’m going to be OK’.”

As many of you will know, there is no darkness that can cloud a soul like the one that manifests itself in the form of a cheap suit that is suddenly too big for you. The loose waistband, pulled taut, acts as a very real metaphor for the yawning chasm in your heart… that clawing emptiness that may never be filled.

Unless you get some pies in you.

On the night of the allegations, he thought about topping his little self:

“I locked myself in my hotel room in London. I wouldn’t speak to anyone … I was devastated. That night in the Kensington Hotel I did think about a way out. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever considered ending it. I was serious. Even today I’m still a shell of my former self. The pressures this business brings are immense. With good you get bad so I’m going to be suspicious of everyone I meet now. I have good days and bad days. I’m questioning everything now. I think time will heal it all right but I’ll never be me, the old person that I was, ever again.”

So is the claptrap of yore gone? Are we about to see a new, reserved, hollowed out husk compared to the old Louis who would open his mouth without thinking when talking about things that don’t concern him?

Yeah. Right. Literally hours after showing everyone where he would slit his wrists, if he meant it, Walsh promptly went about gossiping about Cheryl Cole’s lovelife.

Louis says, seemingly forgetting the enveloping darkness in his heart:

“I knew she would get back with Ashley. I think he loves her and she loves him. I think they will be happy. If they got married again I’d be at the wedding.”

Unless you chuck yourself off a motorway bridge, right?

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Louis Walsh was recently accused of indecent assault in a nightclub toilets in Dublin. That’s great isn’t it? All indecent assaults seem to take place in toilets. It must be something to do with the wonderful bouquet given off by urinal cakes.

Anyway, some fella has said that Walsh went for his groin and it was all very distressing for him, more distressing when you consider how much money could be made from accusing a celebrity of such a thing, especially one that everyone assumes to be a homosexual.

However, the case against Louis has been dropped, following an investigation into the alleged incident. Legally speaking, the man’s genitalia didn’t at all remind Walsh of a ‘young Lenny Henry’.

Basically, if you missed the story, a 24-year old man said that the X Factor judge “molested him” in a nightclub toilet. However, the cheeky wag has now been arrested by the Gardai on suspicion of knowingly making a false report to the police.

Walsh, looking confused and simple, says:

“I have been informed by An Garda Síochána that I am now no longer under investigation. I have robustly maintained from the outset that this alleged incident did not occur.”

“While I obviously welcome today’s confirmation from the Garda that the matter has been dropped I remain outraged that this story ran in the first place in The Sun and I have instructed my libel lawyer to vigorously pursue legal action against the paper.”

Damn. We wanted to make jokes about the lad in question enjoying it. Don’t take legal action against us Louis. We write jokes, not news stories. Okay?

“I have no intention of letting this matter rest until I have received total and absolute vindication. This has been a hugely distressing time for me but I would like to thank all my friends and colleagues for their support and I am now just looking forward to getting back to work.”

Christ. Calm down lad.

Speaking of the incident, a source added:

“Louis has been living under a cloud – it has been a nightmare and he has been in tears.”

In tears? Bloody hell Louis, that sounds stereotypically [joke removed under advice from hecklerspray's lawyers]

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Louis Walsh, of X Factor and impresario behind Westlife and Boyzone, is a man much mocked. Firstly, he’s mocked for his terrible taste in music. Secondly, he’s quite clearly in the middle of very long nervous breakdown. Thirdly, everyone likes to point at him and say ‘gay’.

Now, with a combination of the stresses of fame, the assumed mental illness and his presumed closeting himself, it is surprising that someone hasn’t alleged that Walsh has touched them inappropriately before.

But now they have! Hurray! And better yet, it has allegedly happened in the toilets of a nightclub, which is textbook tabloid scandal fodder.

Before we get going, let us just get this legal bit out of the way as qualifier and safeguard to any future jokes which may come across as scurrilous libel. *clears throat* Louis Walsh has ‘vigorously denied’ allegations that he indecently assaulted a young man at a nightclub in Dublin. The Sun said it first, so sue them.

Okay? Good.

Anyway, the police are investigating Walsh after some fella claimed that Louis Walsh grabbed him by the balls in the toilets of a club called Krystle.

The chap in question says that Walsh groped his privates, which is nice. It’s just a different way of shaking hands isn’t it? Or maybe the 24 year old single father had a bit of water on his groin regions which Walsh was simply trying to dry for him. Repeatedly. Until he got hard.

That said, Walsh isn’t happy about this at all. In fact, he’s vowed to fight all the way to defend his name, whatever that means.

Walsh says:

“The allegations made against me are wholly false and with no foundation. I will happily cooperate fully with the police and am 100 per cent confident that after a full investigation I will be fully exonerated.”

He then hoped to see a black policeman so he could say ‘you remind me of a young Lenny Henry’.

The Gardai will be very interested in this case because, as well you know, homosexuality is still outlawed in Ireland unless you’re wearing priest robes and the groped is under the age of sexual consent, in which event, it is actively encouraged.

We can only hope that the chap Louis is alleged to have fondled appears as a hopeful on the new series of The X Factor, mainly because the incredible pain and awkwardness would make for brilliantly grisly television for us braying simpletons.

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Blonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated by police for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

“The incident is currently under investigation.”

Benji Madden was driving, with Paris in the passenger seat. Gurniak explained exactly what he thought happened:

“There were too many people that side of the car ,so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’ He turned and looked at me out of the window and then just drove. I fell to the floor as the car stopped and was just laying on the floor as everyone was screaming at him that he’d run me over.”

Last year Paris was jailed for violating a drink-driving probation, despite considering herself too pretty to be there in the first place. She behaved so well that she was released early, despite apparently trying to kill herself, as well as receiving death threats.

She surely wants to avoid going through all that again – sitting in the passenger seat is probably a good start.

But that’s not the end of worries; just yesterday she was officially labelled with the blame for the upcoming destruction of humanity in its entirety.

A video of Gurniak screaming in the aftermath has been posted at TMZ, showing the alleged victim’s shoe with a tyre-ish marking on it.

Read More – Hilton accused of hit and run – The Sun

When you have the working abilities and intelligence of a corpse, you’ll have to take any opportunity at making a bit of cash.

This is exactly what the world’s biggest waste of skin and bone has done. Known as Paris Hilton, to her folks, we regard her as a bad smell. Just like the fumes given off from a good dump, she is something that lingers around for what seems forever and just doesn’t go away.

Some people however disagree and oddly want to welcome pointless things in to their domain. A trendy nightclub in London reportedly wanted Paris and her other half to appear at their club so much that they paid her £70k to do so. Sadly though, she wasn’t placed in a cage in the centre of the room so people could throw peanuts and shout obscenities at her.

If Paris Hilton was ever asked to fill in a form that identified what she did for a living, it could take her a while to do. Not because she’s thick or anything, but because she’s really has tried just about every possible profession going.

In the beginning she was just another poser hanging around in L.A. But with her connections to a substandard hotel chain, her name quickly got out. Especially when her DIY porn movie was leaked.

OK, so porn wasn’t the way  for Paris to prove herself. That’s alright; feminists like the Pankhursts fought for a lot more then the female vote. What about singing? Well, replace the word ‘singing’ with the phrase ‘making a sound like some cats being drowned, dragged backwards through hedges and tortured’ then you’re getting close to Paris Hilton’s debut CD.

So Paris has had to resort to personal appearances. Yes, for two hours and a much lighter pocket you can hire Paris Hilton to flounce around at your party for a bit. Which is what happened last night at London nightclub Mahiki.

Did Paris sing? Did she juggle knives? Did she perform open heart surgery? Nope none of these – but she still managed to charge £70,000 for the trouble, according to Female First:

The hotel heiress arrived at Mahiki, in Mayfair, with her Good Charlotte rocker boyfriend Benji Madden at 1.20am on Tuesday (15.04.08). Paris – who promised ‘Mahiki Madness’ on the invitations to her special evening – performed a steamy dance for Benji before the pair left at around 3am. Before she left, Paris took to the dancefloor and gyrated to her flop single ‘Stars Are Blind’.

If that’s not value for money, then we’re idiots for buying twenty thousand plastic England flags for Euro 2008.

Read more:

Paris Hilton’s £70k invite – Femalefirst

Although Tara Reid's post-American Pie career has hinted at invincibility – full of non-stop partying punctuated by morale-sapping cameos on Scrubs – her recent Bali trip has proved that she's only human.

You see, Tara Reid has become the latest almost perfectly sober young woman to fall foul of Bali's notoriously uneven nightclub flooring. Reports suggest that after only 'a couple of drinks' at a Bali nightspot earlier this week, Tara Reid 'lost her footing' and fell hard enough to be hospitalised. Luckily the accident wasn't serious enough to postpone the release of Tara Reid's newest movie Land of Canaan, which will still be coming to a low-rent cut-price barely-watched digital movies on demand service near you next year.

A few years ago, Tara Reid had it all. An almost-leading role in the hit comedy of the summer American Pie, a voice like a chainsmoking air raid siren that's been possessed by the ghost of Frank Butcher, a somewhat botched-looking pair of breast implants that left her chest looking like a couple of balloons filled with all sorts thrashing marine wildlife – but where is she now?

The answer to that is Bali. And if you'd only been a bit quicker asking it, the answer would have been a Bali hospital. You see, to make the most of the red-hot momentum that Tara Reid has built up by starring in a Uwe Boll movie and the fourth The Crow sequel, Tara Reid is travelling the world to help promote Peter Alexander's new pyjama range. We know nothing about these pyjamas, but we'd expect Tara Reid is promoting them because they don't burn if you pass out with a cigarette in your mouth, and you can also wipe vomit stains off them quite easily and stuff.

Anyway, Tara Reid is a well-travelled girl thanks to her TV show Tara Reid Pukes And Belches Around The World, so she should know all the best hot-spots in Bali. And, so long as your definition of 'hot-spots' is 'nightclubs where you can fall over and injure yourself the easiest' then that's exactly what she found.

It's been reported that Tara Reid was hospitalised earlier this week after falling in a nightclub. According to a source:

"She was having a couple of drinks and then all of a sudden she lost her footing."

And the fall was so bad that Tara ended up in a local hospital being treated for cuts and bruises afterwards. Well, cuts and bruises and a mysterious headache that seemed to come on the morning after the fall, accompanied by sweeping waves of nausea and the sensation that the room was spinning around her.

Now, we should make it perfectly clear here that we aren't insinuating that Tara Reid fell over and hurt herself because she was drunk. For all we know, alcohol didn't play a single part in any of this. Although, you know, she did fall over in a nightclub. And it is Tara Reid.

And anyway, so what if Tara Reid's injuries are alcohol related? Until the day that Tara ends up covered in blood because of a drug-based razorblade fight with a boy, then her antics are just going to look hopelessly twee in comparison.

Read more:

Tara Reid taken to hospital in Bali – Digital Spy 

Diddy is a man of refined taste and sophisticated needs in all walks of life, so when Diddy leathers a bloke in a nightclub while screaming "I'll kill you, punk" it has to be an especially upmarket nightclub.

Also it helps if the bloke he leathers is so fiercely against pressing charges that he stops cooperating with police and changes his story about so often that the police have no option but to drop all charges against Diddy. Which, as luck would have it, has just happened. Although he was arrested last month for apparently punching a friend of his whose ex-girlfriend he's currently dating, Diddy has escaped from the ensuing investigation scot free. Hooray – Diddy lives to impassively mumble over an insultingly obvious Sting sample for another day.

They say that every man has his weakness, and if that's true then Diddy's weakness is definitely women. No, fireworks. No, clowns. No, pissing in public. No, not being able to write properly. No, we'll stick with our first answer – Diddy's weakness is almost definitely women.

Look back at all the times when Diddy has got in trouble recently and there's a woman in the middle of it – whether it's Diddy's supposed affair with Sienna Miller, Diddy being dumped by the mother of his newborn twins, Diddy smacking flames out the ass of a guy whose girlfriend Diddy was chatting up or the most recent situation, which involved Diddy allegedly beating up a man in a nightclub toilet just because he happened to be the ex-boyfriend of the girl who Diddy is currently dating.

According to reports at the time, Diddy and his paid henchmen set about attacking Diddy acquaintance Steven Acevedo in New York's Kiosk nightclub last month, with Diddy at one point reportedly screaming "I'll kill you, punk!" at him. However, Diddy may as well have chopped Steven Acevedo up with an axe and danced about in his skin for all it matters, because thanks to Acevedo's uncooperative behaviour with the police, Diddy has walked away from the incident without charge.

Steven Acevedo, you see, gave police and prosecutors various stories about what happened until they couldn't prove anything at all beyond reasonable doubt, and now Diddy is a free man – something which obviously pleases his attorney Benjamin Brafman:

“Both Mr. Combs and I are pleased that the DA’s office and the police department conducted a very thorough investigation and came to this conclusion.”

Hopefully this close shave has taught Diddy a valuable lesson here – that if you're going to attack anyone in a nightclub bathroom surrounded by hefty bodyguards over a minor disagreement about a woman, it's best to make sure your victim knows you and likes you at least a little bit. Having said that, Steven Acevedo must make up about 50% of the people in the world who actually like Diddy, which means his next bewildering attack might have to be on his own mother.