Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I swear Nicole Scherzinger has a near-perfect body. She’s slim, with a tight stomach, sexy legs, proportionate breasts and one hella-hot fuck-me face.
No, she’s not black. She’s a half Filipino half Hawaiian-Ukrainian beauty and the only one who could actually sing in the Pussycat Dolls. Which totally doesn’t mean anything at all because you’re just here for the nudes. I mean who the hell cares about her career and achievements, right?
Former stand out and lead singer of burlesque-pop act, “The Pussycat Dolls”, Nicole Scherzinger, is impressive not only for her talent, but her excessive hotness.
It is only because she is so sexy that she continues to thrive in an industry that seems determined to reject her various attempts at a solo recording career (for reference, look up singles “Whatever U Like”, “Supervillain”, and the abysmal “Puakenikeni”). Currently, the sex-on-legs singer serves as a judge on the popular reality show, “The Sing-Off”, alongside Ben Folds and Shawn Stockman.
This year is the end of an era for me. Since 2004, I have religiously watched the UK version of The X Factor. For the second half of each year, my Saturday and Sunday nights have been reserved for making judgmental comments about my favourite and least favorite contestants. It is with great sadness and pain, then, that I announce that I have thrown in the towel and am no longer watching the show in question.
I have stuck with The X Factor through thick and thin. I was there when Louis chose to save The Conway Sisters over Maria. I was there when Louis made Dannii cry on live TV. I was there when everyone thought One Direction wouldn't make it after the show. Through voting scandals and judging battles, I have watched with excitement and joy. Why, then, have I decided to give up this year?
Who is Nicole Scherzinger? The former frontwoman of popular?strippers singers The Pussycat Dolls? A mildly successful solo artist? A TV show judge? These are all appropriate answers. The most important thing one needs to know about Scherzinger is that she is a total nutcase.
I know a lot of celebrities like to reinvent themselves, but Nicole takes the fucking biscuit. I mean, she’s rarely the same person for more than a couple of months. Let’s take a look at the many faces of my favourite Michael Jackson impersonator.
It’s not very often that the inhabitants of the hecklerspray bedsit have cause to say something nice about Britney Spears.
If she isn’t going mental with an umbrella and a pair of hair clippers then she’s screeching around Los Angeles with babies hanging under each arm like some kind of irresponsible sloth. And all that doesn’t even broach the Sam Lufti issue.
So it’s with some, we’re presuming, pride that we can sort of announce that Britney Spears is in talks to become one of the new judges on Simon Cowell’s pet project, X Factor USA. We say we’re presuming because like Miss Spears, we too were emotionally stunted by the lack of parental affection.
In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.
So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.
Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?
Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.
He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.
And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.
Every six months, like clockwork, an event happens that assures us of the revolution of the earth and the cosmic alignment of the stars bringing summer and winter ever closer. We are referring- of course- to the biannual split of F1 moaner Lewis Hamilton and surprisingly talented ex-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger.
Yes, as sure as the sun sets in the West, the couple have now moved to end their relationship after 4 years together with Lewis reported to be so upset that he actually considered calling his father before realising he was Paul Di Resta’s dad now, not his.
The split has been blamed on the pair struggling to spend time together due to their hectic work schedules but you’re not really interested in that, are you? You want some completely unfounded muck-raking. Don’t you?
Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.
Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.
With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.
hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.
On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.
How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.
