In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.
So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.
Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?
Read More >>>
Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.
He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.
And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.
Read More >>>
Every six months, like clockwork, an event happens that assures us of the revolution of the earth and the cosmic alignment of the stars bringing summer and winter ever closer. We are referring- of course- to the biannual split of F1 moaner Lewis Hamilton and surprisingly talented ex-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger.
Yes, as sure as the sun sets in the West, the couple have now moved to end their relationship after 4 years together with Lewis reported to be so upset that he actually considered calling his father before realising he was Paul Di Resta’s dad now, not his.
The split has been blamed on the pair struggling to spend time together due to their hectic work schedules but you’re not really interested in that, are you? You want some completely unfounded muck-raking. Don’t you?
Read More >>>
Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.
Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.
With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.
Read More >>>
hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.
On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.
How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.
Read More >>>
What was your favourite Cheryl Cole moment from last year’s X Factor? The time she wouldn’t stop crying?
The dress made of spoons? The time she dressed up as a Space Nazi and sang that song about sticking with Ashley Cole? Well, cherish those moments because you might never see their kind again. Apparently, while she’s at home recovering from malaria, Cheryl Cole has grown paranoid that her stand-in – Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls – will replace her permanently.
Which is just dumb. After all, give Simon Cowell some credit. He’s not stupid enough to hire anyone as bland and superficially attractive as Nicole Scherzinger on a full-time basis. Although, now we come to mention it, he did hire Cheryl Cole, didn’t he? We’ve changed our mind – Cheryl should be bloody well cacking it.
Read More >>>
When this year’s Dancing With The Stars began, and you looked at all the contestants, who did you think would win?
Nicole Scherzinger. You obviously thought that Nicole Scherzinger would win. That’s partly because Nicole Scherzinger dances on a day to day basis for a living, and partly because the other Dancing With The Stars contestants were either octogenarian astronauts or reality TV stars who’d given birth so many times that they could barely get through a Paso Doble without tripping up on their own saggy vaginas. No, Nicole Scherzinger was always going to win Dancing With The Stars. Always.
And last night Nicole Scherzinger won Dancing With The Stars. Oh, at least try to look surprised.
Read More >>>
Nicole Scherzinger has spoken of her desire to get her man to take her up the aisle.
Clean that filthy mind, you! We mean an actual aisle in a place of worship and not the back passage way that all her other lovers have taken her down, with convincing talk that it would only sting for a day or so afterward.
Well, whichever well-lubricated aisle she had in mind, the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls has decided to get engaged around July, to her man candy Lewis Hamilton. Note to future gold diggers: just being with a man who is desired by many is not enough when you become rich and famous, “Greedy Bitch-itus” has to overcome you and you have to marry the boy too.
Read More >>>
