Nicole Richie, daughter of Lionel and friend of that girl who likes to get porked on camera is set to launch her first fragrance, which will be “cool and classy”, having rejected suggestions that she release a ‘hot and trampy’ one which has the distinct aroma of a prostitute with over-active sweat glands.

The reality TV star already has a jewellery line and a clothing and accessories collection which is doing a roaring trade at car boot sales up and down the UK. However, reports are now suggesting that the woman, most famous for being the daughter of a former Commodore, has found another, much more nefarious way to spend her time.

The former star of ‘The Simpleton Life’ has set her sights on the perfume industry, claiming that she sees a gap in the market that only she can fill.

Questions are already being asked about the nature of this gap and top government officials have diverted resources to scientific projects designed to plug the gap before this flavoured piss-water is released on an unsuspecting public. The 30-year-old star has signed a deal to launch her signature scent next September in department and specialty stores but it is hoped that a solution to the contagion can be found by then.

A man claiming to be president of perfume company TPR, said he is thrilled to be working alongside Richie before tailing off into twenty minutes of utterly diabolical laughter. He also said that fans can expect a “cool, classy scent with an edge.” Much like Agent Orange.

“Nicole or, Operative Z, as she’s known around the office, has a wide breadth of creative talents being an author, a jewellery designer, a fashion designer and an aspirational figure,”

“She also has three million Twitter followers but more importantly she has trade credibility. She’s done a great job with her image. Not only that, she also has a great eye for what makes a really devastating chemical weapon.”

The last sentence was cut from the original interview after the reporter who spoke to “Mr Robinson” disappeared in mysterious circumstances. Very little is known about Nicole’s actual involvement in the manufacture of chemical weapons but you can rest assured that when hecklerspray knows, you’ll know.

You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.

However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.

Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.

We wouldn’t normally mention that fact but it’s one that might be worth looking back on when we’re still hearing about every minute detail of this poor bugger’s inadequacy in three month’s time.

The 30-year-old socialite and popstar (or so her publicist would have you believe) has reached the mutual decision with her Las Vegas club owner boyfriend Cy. Yes. Cy. Without looking him up, we’re assuming it stands for Cyrus which proves that getting laid isn’t all about your name.

The couple, who were last week said to be “re-evaluating” their relationship, have supposedly made the decision to part ways because “Cy” can’t cope with Paris’ celebrity lifestyle. According to the hecklerspray lawyers, ‘celebrity lifestyle’ should not be taken as being a euphemism for 64 hour gang-bangs in which Paris is the only person who leaves without any traumatic sense of shame.

According to ‘sources’, “Cy” found it difficult to live his life with her in the spotlight and that’s what caused their split. Ironically, he apparently didn’t realise that going out with a woman who’s famous for being a talentless intellect vacuum might involve a slight invasion of his privacy. The self-same ’source’ told US Weekly:

“They are broken up. It’s sad, she cares about him a lot and thinks he’s a great guy but they really hit a rough patch.”

The pair have been dating for over a year and a half, but Cy was said to be particularly upset about their private lives being shown in her new reality TV show ‘The World According to Paris’ (which absolutely no-one should watch as stupidity is infectious). An insider who is likely to be the same junior publicist as the afore-mentioned ‘source’ said:

“Cy is very upset with the series. He felt that way too much of their private life was shown. When he signed on to do the show, he had no idea the cameras would be so invasive.”

Speaking about their relationship in the weeks leading up to the split, Paris revealed she would get engaged on the series if “Cy” was to pop the question. She said:

“We are so happy. It’s almost been a year and a half now so we’ll see what happens, but the show is going to show everything, so when that happens it will be on the show.”

It could easily be alleged that Paris ended her relationship on the advice of her “people” who would be of the opinion that her splitting up from her current oddly-named beau would add a depth to the series that a dim-witted blonde with all the mental capacity of the Graf Zeppelin could’t muster up off her own back.

Of course- that would be immensely cynical of us, regardless of how true it might be.

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Oh how clever-clever we sniping internet sorts are! If anyone dares to try and make something of their lives, we’re always on-hand to belittle, chide and generally decapitate anyone who has the cheek to stick their stupid heads above the parapet.

And we don’t just store up our ire for adults! No siree! Rebecca Black who is, like, 4 years old or something, has been getting it in the neck over her video, ‘Friday’.

How we chuckle at her misfortune! Right? Wait! What? While you may think that her mother wasted a perfectly good $2,000 cheque by cutting the song/video, you’ll be disappointed to learn that all your sarcasm is making the youngster $27,000. Per week.

The child viral sensation has surpassed the 30,000,000 page views and it doesn’t look like it is going to stop any time soon.

$27,000 per week to you and me. $27,000 and increasing.

That’s the amount of money being earned from people simply saying that ‘Friday’ is the worst music video ever, despite the fact it absolutely isn’t the worst video ever. Nor is it the worst song ever recorded.

In fact, this video here beats Black’s ‘Friday’ hands-down on both fronts as at least Rebecca has the excuse of naivety and youth on her side.

Watch this.

Not that Rebecca Black needs defending.

That’s because you’re all making her wildly wealthy, which means she can make even more pop videos to annoy you with.

Shit. That’s almost punk-rock.

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Aw! Look! A 13 year old rich kid has made a DIY pop song and 33 million+ people have watched it on YouTube, most of whom want her to go and self harm and die. Ain’t our species of stumbling homosapiens the best!

Of course, Black’s song – ‘Friday’ – is pish. Not surprisingly really when you consider that she made the thing as a posh version of those old books you can write yourself into. It’s a kid playing at being a popstar and that’s about it.

However, thanks to the meme machine that is the connected human race, she’s gone from being a kid to a very famous kid who performed a song that is in no way as bad as say, ‘Life’ by Des’ree or absolutely anything by Guns ‘n’ Roses. And now she’s got some celebrity fans… of sorts.

Simon Cowell was one of the first to sing Rebecca’s praises, noting:

“I think it’s genius. The fact that everyone’s getting upset about it is hysterical.”

“It’s what we call a ‘hair dryer song’, a song girls sing into their hair dryers as they’re getting ready to go out. But the fact it’s making people so angry is excellent.”

“I want to meet her. Anyone who can create this much controversy within a week, I want to meet. I love people like that.”

Apart from Wagner and Jedward it would appear.

Nicole Richie threw her hat in the ring, saying:

“Rebecca Black is DOPE! I’m gonna support her music, her work & her dream… But still make Friday jokes.”

Even mewing embryo Justin Bieber had something to say on the matter:

“Sunday comes after Saturday? Weird.”

Not weird Justin – factual. You stupid oaf.

Rebecca’s parents reportedly paid record label Ark Music £2,000 to create a video for their daughter in the hope it she may find fame from it. Of course, it did, but not in the way they would have hoped. Rebecca Black is probably crying and rocking back and forth while a man with a Blackberry barks instructions and media training at her.

If you haven’t seen the video and have been living up a tree for the past fortnight, here it is.

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Paris Hilton had been best friends with Nicole Richie since the age of two – and yet did not attend the wedding of she and Joel Madden. Was Paris dying, finally, of some horrid communicable disease?

Was she otherwise busy finding the cure for her inevitable bevy of STDs? Was she washing her hair? Was she heck!

The wedding of Nicole was attended by celebrities lower on the food chain than former-best friend, Paris. There was friend, and companion on her bachelorrette party, Samantha Ronson, and Gwen Stefani, and Khloe Kardashian-Odom.

The latter two of whom only seemed to have tentative links to the pair and were probably there more for the publicity. Any dissolving friendship probably means less than magazine cover sales – so we’re going to blithely assume names were cut out of People magazine and put into a hat, and weren’t taken from Richie’s address book. That’s pretty much the assertion of some American outlets, who are speculating wildly as to why Paris didn’t bother turning up to last Saturday’s ceremony.

E! Online suggests Paris was too busy being Paris to tear herself away from… herself, ‘Paris was shooting her Oxygen reality series in Vegas this weekend, where one of her cast mates was celebrating [a] birthday.’ A dash of ‘Really?’ and a pinch of ‘Sounds about right.’ We’ll bite.

Us Weekly joins in, clarifying why such famewhoring is so offensive to Nicole’s delicate sensibilities.

“Nicole knew very well that having Paris involved would have inevitably turned a special night into being about their friendship,” a source tells UsMagazine.com. “Nicole’s life is completely different now.” In fact, Richie didn’t even bother to invite Hilton, her best friend since the age of 2, to attend the winter-themed ceremony. And though Richie’s pals Khloe Kardashian and Samantha Ronson made the final guest list, a source close to Hilton tells Us that the 29-year-old socialite “isn’t dwelling on it too much.”

“She and Nicole aren’t close anymore, but there are no hard feelings there,” the insider explains. “They just grew up and apart.”

Precious Nicole, and her precious babies, and precious husband didn’t want Paris’s petri dish pants infecting their ceremony and making the day all about her.

Oh, wait.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so lets have a massive street party in her honour!

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Celebrity bulimia-fancier and professional good-for-nothing has recently taken the completely understandable step of banning her father, Lionel from playing at her wedding. hecklerspray understands that her fiancé Joel Madden would have enjoyed booking the ‘Hello’ singer to give them a couple of numbers at the wedding.

Unfortunately for Mr Madden (lead singer of the inexplicably successful Good Charlotte), Ms Richie has claimed that she’s “not down with that”.

Of course, her not being “down with that” is no reason why Madden shouldn’t ask his father-in-law-to-be to come along and play a few songs. After all, it’s his wedding day and we very much doubt he wants to get up on stage and belt out some watered-down versions of ‘Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous’ and a myriad collection of Good Charlotte’s other hits*.

hecklerspray is led to believe that the reasons for Nicole’s lack of downward direction regarding her father stems from the previously mentioned fact that he has had a successful career in the music industry (until the Walker’s Crisps advert) as opposed to a ‘socialite’ only known in the public eye for her father and once debating the origins of the universe with a glass of water on live television.

Nicole is said to be so unbearably jealous of anyone that isn’t famous for being a less-whorish Paris Hilton that she instead invited Paris Hilton herself to play at the wedding, asking her to cover Chris De Burgh’s classic ‘Lady in Red’ for their first mosh.

Joel was said to have been delighted as Chris De Burgh “shits all over that blind-chasing bastard Lionel”.

So- for now- the wedding of the year is safe from show-stealing fathers and it will be left for Nicole to take centre-stage as the main focus of the day; a feeling she is unlikely to ever experience again.

At least she will be until Madden’s estranged father hobbles in to belt out an out-of-tune rendition of ‘Don’t Stop Believin”.

*If they have any.

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Nothing makes us happier than a happy couple – especially a happy couple who we forgot existed for a few years.

Congratulations Nicole and Joel! According to reports, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have decided to get engaged. You know what this means – it means that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are now the Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of couples made of pointless female celebrities and members of awful bands who give their children ridiculous names!

Oh, hang on, no. Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz are still the Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of couples made of pointless female celebrities and members of awful bands who give their children ridiculous names, aren’t they? Our mistake. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden probably deserve to come second, though. Or third. Or fifth.

Oh Joel Madden, you sly old prankster. You always get the last laugh, don’t you? The blogs and celebrity magazines are all busy frothing about the fact that you’ve just got engaged to Nicole Richie after three years and two babies together, noting that you broke the news during a taping of David Letterman and that Nicole couldn’t stop telling people how happy she was during a meal afterwards, but you kept an ace up your sleeve.

You see, Joel Madden and Nicole Richie have actually been engaged for ages! The joke’s on us! That’s why last night Joel Madden tweeted:

“Yep. i’m engaged. Very happy. Yeah we’ve been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same. P.s. thats why i love my family and friends. None of them are sources. All good tight lipped people who let us enjoy it! Thanks everybody.”

You cheeky monkey! You sure got the upper hand on us by doing something that nobody could possibly care about and then managing to keep it secret until you felt compelled to blab it across the television because you’re so needy that you can’t do anything without public validation, didn’t you? You’re an arch-trickster and a supervillain-level genius, Joel Madden. We are nothing compared to you.

But this is just sour grapes on our part. We’re just jealous that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden managed to keep their engagement a secret for so long. But, hey, you know what’d really show us? If Nicole Richie and Joel Madden managed to keep their wedding a secret, too. And their honeymoon. And any other babies that they ever have. And their divorce. And any new musical ventures that Joel Madden decides to embark upon. And anything else either of them ever do for the entirety of their natural lives. Especially that one.

Please?

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Admit it – when Nicole Richie called her last baby Harlow, you were worried. Harlow’s a good crappy name, but not a great crappy name.

But, Nicole Richie, welcome back to the table. You were on the ropes for a while – because calling a baby Harlow is almost like calling it Emma or another dirty civilian name. But, God bless you Nicole Richie, you weren’t deterred by your failure. Instead you got pregnant again and promised to give your next baby the stupidest name possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to Sparrow James Midnight Madden. For crying out loud.

For celebrities, naming babies is a bit like taking drugs. Sure, at first it might seem a bit edgy and cool to call your baby Maddox, because you think that you can control it. But you can’t. Soon you start chasing that first high by calling your next baby Bluebell Madonna. Suddenly you’re in the grip of addiction, and only patently ridiculous names like Bronx Mowgli can give you the satisfaction that you crave. The next thing you know you’re red-eyed and crawling through back-alley dustbins, screaming gibberish like “Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa!” at the moon.

Why are we telling you this? Because we’re trying to get through to Nicole Richie, and we know that horrific baby names and irresponsible drug use are the two things she like most of all.

You see, Nicole Richie has just given birth to her second baby with Joel Madden, just over 18 months since giving birth to her last baby. For now, let’s see the statement written on Nicole Richie’s website about the birth:

In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009 Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7lbs 14oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.

Aw, that’s so… HANG ON! SPARROW? Where the hell did Sparrow come from? We can only assume that a) Nicole Richie and Joel Madden like Pirates Of The Caribbean and wanted to call their baby after its perpetually drunk lead character, or b) Nicole Richie and Joel Madden like birds and wanted to name their baby after a bird, just not a bird that’s pretty or cool or has a nice-sounding name. We totally get it.

Actually we’re being unfairly cruel here. We happen to quite like the sound of Sparrow James Midnight Madden, and we predict that this ‘weird name/ normal name/ weird name’ trick is one that’s catch on. For instance, we plan on calling our first-born child Armchair Jonathan Rhinoceros Henry Bucket Simon Rhombus Nigel.

God knows what we’ll call it if it’s a boy, though.

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Are you a fan of Nicole Richie and a fan of the band Good Charlotte? Then have we got some news for you!

You like bad music and you’re an idiot. There. Oh, and also Nicole Richie’s pregnant again. We probably should have done that bit of news first, in retrospect.

But anyway, Nicole Ritchie has announced that she’s pregnant with her second baby by Joel Madden. We don’t know if this pregnancy was planned or accidental, but rumour has it that pregnancy is the only way that Joel Madden can stop Nicole Richie from disappearing when she turns sideways.

Motherhood has changed Nicole Richie. Before she had her first baby just over a year ago Nicole Richie was famous for being professionally stupid, whether she was gonking around on TV shows with Paris Hilton or driving into oncoming motorway traffic while blasted on drugs.

But now Nicole Richie doesn’t have the time to be professionally stupid any more, because she’s too busy passing on the fruits of her innate stupidity to her baby daughter Harlow. And now it looks like she’ll have to work twice as hard, because Nicole Richie’s boyfriend Joel Madden has just announced that he’s knocked her up again. On his blog, Joel Madden wrote:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now…

We’re thrilled for Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, really, although we have to pick Joel up on one teensy thing – having a baby isn’t better than winning an Oscar. For instance, Oscars don’t crap everywhere. Also, you can’t really sell a baby on Ebay to stop you house being repossessed by the mortgage company. And, while it’s easy to melt an Oscar down to make a crown for yourself, if you try doing that with an actual baby you’re going to get in an awful lot of trouble. Trust us, this is experience speaking here.

But, no, we’re happy that Nicole Richie is pregnant. Because when she had her last baby, Nicole Richie went from being fairly famous to not famous at all, so logic dictates that her new baby will take her from not famous at all to something even less than that. That’s right – once this baby pops out, Nicole Richie is going to turn into Lee Ryan.

But there’s no time to waste here – if a baby’s on the way, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden need to start preparing now. For instance, they have to think of an even crappier British town than Harlow to name their baby after – the smart money’s on either Ramsgate or Sandy Balls – plus they have to baby-proof their house all over again. But it’s OK – there’s a one-year-old in the house now, so maybe it can teach its mother how to work the clip on the toilet this time.

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One oft-neglected side-effect of giving birth is the overwhelming desire to star in overtly showy prohibition-era Broadway musicals.

Just look at Nicole Richie, for example. For some logic-defying reason, she's currently weighing up an offer to star as Roxie Hart in the Broadway version of Chicago.

It'd be awfully presumptuous of us to try and second-guess what issues Nicole Richie is weighing up exactly, but we're willing to bet that they include rehearsal schedules, being able to spend time with her new baby and the fact that if she was any less talented at anything other than forgetting to eat she'd be legally reclassified as vegetation.

We might be stretching it a bit here, but it looks a lot like Nicole Richie has the beginnings of a Brooke Shields infatuation. Look at the evidence – Brooke Shields had a baby and Nicole Richie had a baby. Brooke Shields infuriated Tom Cruise and Nicole Richie infuriated Tom Cruise by driving backwards up a motorway and not crashing, thereby depriving him of being in a situation that only he can handle. And, crucially, Brooke Shields has been in Chicago.

Actually, come to think of it, that's a rubbish excuse for an infatuation. That'd be like suggesting that Nicole Richie had an infatuation for Kelly Osbourne or Claire Sweeney, when everyone knows that the closest anyone's ever come to being infatuated with Claire Sweeney is her own mother, and even then things peaked with mild, distant affection.

Anyway, we're missing our own point here. Our point is that Nicole Richie – a woman with no discernible skills other than being quite skinny and driving like a drug-addled bastard – is apparently entertaining the idea of starring in Chicago. The Daily Dish reports:

Reality TV star Nicole Richie reportedly is set to relaunch her post-pregnancy career by taking to the Broadway stage and starring in the hit musical "Chicago." Richie, who gave birth to daughter Harlow last month, is tipped to follow in the footsteps of Ashlee Simpson, Brooke Shields and Renee Zellweger as the latest big name Roxie Hart in the show… An insider tells Us Weekly magazine, "Nicole's definitely interested and is weighing it out."

Weird to think that the Chicago producers want to cast Nicole Richie when there are other young women with more music and acting experience out there. We're basically talking about Paris Hilton.

But let's not dismiss Nicole Richie's Chicago role before she's even accepted it. Needless to say the role of Roxie Hart will need to be subtly recalibrated to suit Nicole Richie's strengths – but so long as the audience accepts a Roxie Hart who, rather than being a calculating convict responsible for belting out showstoppers like All That Jazz and Funny Honey, is a scrawny fool who bumbles about and sings a song called OMG, Paris Is Such A Bitch, we're sure Nicole will do fine.

And if not she can always get a role as a prison cell bar.

Read more:

Richie Set For Broadway? – Daily Dish 

Good Charlotte were an awful band, right? We weren't just imagining that, were we?

Because for a gang of pointless sub Blink 182 pop-punk gormloids, Good Charlotte members have managed to score themselves some fairly high profile girlfriends. Joel Madden from the band famously got Nicole Richie pregnant, and now his brother Benji has wound up dating Paris Hilton.

We know. We're just two small marriages away from Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie becoming related. And we're fairly sure that'll bring about the end of the world in Ghostbusters Gatekeeper/ Keymaster scenario. Nicole being Rick Moranis, obviously.

There was a time when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were inseparable. On their TV show The Simple Life Paris and Nicole would bimble about America failing to do tasks that even a lobotomised stoat would find a little on the easy side. It's not an overstatement to say that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were the Thelma And Louise of shagging men on the internet and driving backwards up a motorway blasted on drugs respectively. 

Sadly, like most friendships involving Paris Hilton, Paris and Nicole fell out, and it was traumatic. There were claims of mutual practical jokes and petty pranks that threatened to tear The Simple Life apart, putting the livelihoods of the world's confused-sounding fiddle sound effect producers in serious jeopardy.

Despite this, the pair of them have managed to keep a few things in common. They've both been to prison, for example, and while Nicole Richie had a baby, Paris Hilton managed to maintain her IQ score slightly lower than that of an average newborn baby. Plus they're banging a set of brothers, which helps. 

While Nicole Richie is shacked up with Joel Madden from Good Charlotte, it looks as if his brother Benji Madden has started doing it with Paris Hilton. People reports:

Less than two weeks after Benji Madden split from fiancée Sophie Monk, the rocker is stepping out with another blonde bombshell. The new woman in his life? None other than Paris Hilton. "Yes, they are dating. It's pretty serious," a source confirms of the couple, who have been spotted together all over town – make that all over the country! In just the past few days, they have partied at Home nightclub in suburban St. Louis, shopped (while holding hands) at Hollywood's Fred Segal, and even grabbed lunch with Madden's mom.

OK, so Paris Hilton holding hands with a boy who's just a fortnight out of an engagement means that it's obviously not a serious relationship, especially since she hasn't even bothered to release an internet video of him boning her yet. But still, consider the consequences of what'd happen if things did turn serious and Paris Hilton really did get married to Benji Madden while Nicole Richie got married to Joel Madden.

We'll tell you the consequences – really shit Boxing Day family get-togethers, that's what. We can barely imagine.

Read more:

Suddenly Inseparable: Paris Hilton & Benji Madden - People 

Photos of what are claimed to be Nicole Richie's newborn baby daughter Harlow Winter have appeared online, giving away vital clues as to what she looks like.

And here's a newsflash – Nicole Richie's newborn baby daughter Harlow Winter looks like a bloody baby. Small? Check. Wrinkly? Check. Wearing a nappy? Check. Liable to scream and shit itself at the same time? Check.

Of course, we could be wrong and the pictures might not be of Nicole Richie's baby at all. For all we know Nicole Richie's baby could be nine feet tall, completely silent and as smooth as eggs. But, you know, she's probably not.

Now that Nicole Richie has given birth to a baby girl she'd do well to revise a lot of her old ways. For instance, every young mother knows that you don't drive into oncoming motorway traffic on drugs – your duty as a mother is to run red lights with your children onboard while holding a mobile phone a centimetre away from your face.

And Nicole Richie can't make money from showing her continual lack of any skill whatsoever in any field while driving round America with Paris Hilton now that she's a mother – she'll have to make do with the millions of dollars that glossy magazines will throw at her for the exclusive first look of her newborn baby.

Except that Nicole Richie probably can't do that either now.

Not now that photos of what are claimed to be Nicole Richie's baby girl Harlow Winter have been published online. According to reports, the pictures of Harlow Winter were taken by a friend of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden 30 minutes after she was born. If they're real, Nicole Richie can probably expect to have a couple of zeroes knocked off their magazine deal figure. But are they real?

How the shit are we supposed to know? The pictures are of a baby, which hardly narrows it down. Does the baby look like Nicole Richie or Joel Madden? No, it looks like a sodding baby. Come to think of it, Nicole Richie probably doesn't know what her baby looks like either. In fact, chances are you could put Harlow Winter in a giant tombola barrel with a hundred other babies, spin around for ten minutes or so and nobody would have any clue which were their babies without getting a DNA test.  

Admittedly that method would probably get you thrown in jail for the rest of your life, but if it'll help us make our point…

Read more:

EXCLUSIVE FIRST PICS: NICOLE RICHIE AND JOEL MADDEN'S DAUGHTER HARLOW!! – MediaTakeOut 

While a lot of fuss has been made about Christina Aguilera's baby, let's not forget that Nicole Richie also had a baby this weekend.

In fact, the birth of Nicole Richie's baby daughter was probably even more spectacular than the Aguilera birth because, by pushing six pounds and seven ounces out her body all at once, Nicole Richie managed to lose three fifths of her bodyweight almost instantly.

And, oh yeah, the father of the baby says that it looks like Nicole Richie. That was going to be our original point.

This is definitely the year of having babies. Yes, we know an hour ago we said it was the year of not having babies, but times change, OK? Think fast, you've got to keep up.

We're saying that this is the year of having babies because Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie have just had babies and we always copy everything they do, which explains our pierced clitoris and tendency to drive into oncoming traffic on drugs.

Anyway, Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby girl on Friday night – the oddly-named Harlow Winter. And until Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have another baby, which they'll probably end up calling Canvey Island Drizzle or something, little Harlow Winter is the apple of their eye, to such an extent that Joel Madden has gone onto the internet to share his joy.

Before you start criticising his English skills, remember that the most profound thing Joel ever wrote prior to this was "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money." This is a big step for the poor little lamb:

"ITS A GIRL!!!!!

Well I am finally home with my beautiful girlfriend and our brand new little daughter. Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born on January 11th 2008 at 3:13pm. She weighed in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces. She is 19 inches long and growing everyday already! She really is a wonderful addition to the GC/DCMA/DEADEXEC family.We are so blessed to have this beautiful little baby in our lives.I want to thank everyone for all the love and kind words they’ve sentour way… She looks so much like her mom its crazy! She eats like a little maniac and shes really sweet. She barely ever cries ,even when daddy is changing her diaper, and believe me i suck when it comes to diapers, but im learning! I cant wait to show off some pictures, until then, THANKS!! and GOD BLESS….. Joel"

So congratulations to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. Well congratulations and a reminder that they still have a couple of years to invent a new story for when Harlow Winter asks why she was born. "Well, you see, I was going to be sent to jail…" is never a good opener to explain to a child. 

And if Nicole Richie is happy about her baby now, just imagine how thrilled she'll be in a couple of months when the baby starts putting on weight. Strangers might even stop confusing the two of them for each other.

Read more:

Madden says baby looks like Richie – RTE 

Life used to be so much simpler than it is now.  

Take raising children, for one. We have fond memories of when parents would pack us into the back of the station wagon for 12-hour road trips to Nana’s house like a bunch wild animals hopped up on generic soda and Cheeze-Its. Nowadays you have to secure the little tykes into properly installed safety seats and can’t strap one to the luggage rack when they keep counting the bottles of beer on the wall and just… won’t… SHUT UP. 

And whatever happened to the good old days when a six-month-pregnant woman who has surrendered all self-restraint to the nicotine gods and habitually smoke in peace? Maybe Nicole Richie knows, because she was spotted smoking a few ciggies in a scenario very similar to this one.  

Or maybe she wasn’t. It could have just been a rumour. That’s what Nicole Richie is saying, anyway.  

Pregnancy has changed Nicole Richie. It’s made her wiser, more mature and more visible when she turns sideways now so it’s much safer for her to cross busy roads and walk over subway grates. It has also kept her from making any stupid reality shows and driving into oncoming traffic while on drugs and stuff. Lately we’ve been grateful to just relax and go back to calling her ‘the super skinny daughter of Lionel Richie that wasn’t so super skinny for a while but then got so super skinny that we all felt bad for saying she was fat and just wish she’d go back to being not so super skinny’. 

Anyway, the point is that getting preggers with Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden and his eyeliner seemed to have mellowed Nicole Richie out. That’s why it was so abhorrent when reports came out the she was spotted smoking in New York using her baby bump as an ashtray. It’s true. It really is. All except that we imagined the foetal ashtray because that’s how we’d do it and the fact that Nicole Richie denies the whole smoking thing entirely.  

You see, on Monday gossip columnist Cindy Adams’ reported in the New York Post that Nicole Richie was spotted outside of two different establishments being all smokey while pregnant over the weekend. Now, don’t go hitting Al Gore on the speed dial to come and help a troubled Nicole Richie just yet even though Lindsay Lohan apparently thinks that was a good idea for herself. Nicole Richie has a few things to say on the matter to Access Hollywood: 

“It’s really very sad and hurtful that journalists don’t believe in checking facts before writing false and unsubstantiated stories about my health and my pregnancy… The healthy birth of my child is my number one priority.” 

If the journalists had checked their facts they would have learned that Nicole Richie apparently wasn’t even in New York at the time of the supposed sightings.  

Well, there you have it, folks. Nicole Richie appears to be the victim of unsubstantiated rumour. Maybe it was just someone that looked like Nicole Richie. Maybe it was just a ten year-old boy wearing a dress with a melon under it to be a body double for Nicole Richie to distract the paparazzi so she and Joel Madden can have some privacy to give each other makeovers.  

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Nicole Richie Stubs Out Smoking Rumours - MSNBC