Nicole Richie, daughter of Lionel and friend of that girl who likes to get porked on camera is set to launch her first fragrance, which will be “cool and classy”, having rejected suggestions that she release a ‘hot and trampy’ one which has the distinct aroma of a prostitute with over-active sweat glands.
The reality TV star already has a jewellery line and a clothing and accessories collection which is doing a roaring trade at car boot sales up and down the UK. However, reports are now suggesting that the woman, most famous for being the daughter of a former Commodore, has found another, much more nefarious way to spend her time.
The former star of ‘The Simpleton Life’ has set her sights on the perfume industry, claiming that she sees a gap in the market that only she can fill.
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You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.
However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.
Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.
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Oh how clever-clever we sniping internet sorts are! If anyone dares to try and make something of their lives, we’re always on-hand to belittle, chide and generally decapitate anyone who has the cheek to stick their stupid heads above the parapet.
And we don’t just store up our ire for adults! No siree! Rebecca Black who is, like, 4 years old or something, has been getting it in the neck over her video, ‘Friday’.
How we chuckle at her misfortune! Right? Wait! What? While you may think that her mother wasted a perfectly good $2,000 cheque by cutting the song/video, you’ll be disappointed to learn that all your sarcasm is making the youngster $27,000. Per week.
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Aw! Look! A 13 year old rich kid has made a DIY pop song and 33 million+ people have watched it on YouTube, most of whom want her to go and self harm and die. Ain’t our species of stumbling homosapiens the best!
Of course, Black’s song – ‘Friday’ – is pish. Not surprisingly really when you consider that she made the thing as a posh version of those old books you can write yourself into. It’s a kid playing at being a popstar and that’s about it.
However, thanks to the meme machine that is the connected human race, she’s gone from being a kid to a very famous kid who performed a song that is in no way as bad as say, ‘Life’ by Des’ree or absolutely anything by Guns ‘n’ Roses. And now she’s got some celebrity fans… of sorts.
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Paris Hilton had been best friends with Nicole Richie since the age of two – and yet did not attend the wedding of she and Joel Madden. Was Paris dying, finally, of some horrid communicable disease?
Was she otherwise busy finding the cure for her inevitable bevy of STDs? Was she washing her hair? Was she heck!
The wedding of Nicole was attended by celebrities lower on the food chain than former-best friend, Paris. There was friend, and companion on her bachelorrette party, Samantha Ronson, and Gwen Stefani, and Khloe Kardashian-Odom. Read More >>>
Celebrity bulimia-fancier and professional good-for-nothing has recently taken the completely understandable step of banning her father, Lionel from playing at her wedding. hecklerspray understands that her fiancé Joel Madden would have enjoyed booking the ‘Hello’ singer to give them a couple of numbers at the wedding.
Unfortunately for Mr Madden (lead singer of the inexplicably successful Good Charlotte), Ms Richie has claimed that she’s “not down with that”.
Of course, her not being “down with that” is no reason why Madden shouldn’t ask his father-in-law-to-be to come along and play a few songs. After all, it’s his wedding day and we very much doubt he wants to get up on stage and belt out some watered-down versions of ‘Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous’ and a myriad collection of Good Charlotte’s other hits*. Read More >>>
Nothing makes us happier than a happy couple – especially a happy couple who we forgot existed for a few years.
Congratulations Nicole and Joel! According to reports, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have decided to get engaged. You know what this means – it means that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are now the Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of couples made of pointless female celebrities and members of awful bands who give their children ridiculous names!
Oh, hang on, no. Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz are still the Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of couples made of pointless female celebrities and members of awful bands who give their children ridiculous names, aren’t they? Our mistake. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden probably deserve to come second, though. Or third. Or fifth.
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Admit it – when Nicole Richie called her last baby Harlow, you were worried. Harlow’s a good crappy name, but not a great crappy name.
But, Nicole Richie, welcome back to the table. You were on the ropes for a while – because calling a baby Harlow is almost like calling it Emma or another dirty civilian name. But, God bless you Nicole Richie, you weren’t deterred by your failure. Instead you got pregnant again and promised to give your next baby the stupidest name possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to Sparrow James Midnight Madden. For crying out loud.
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