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Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night.
However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only slightly sinister man to follow Nicole Kidman around, she has revealed that she was once stalked as a teenager.
This wouldn’t have happened on our watch.
What is the point of Adam Sandler? Sure, there was a time when his mongrel-like face, annoying laugh and humour as subtle as getting diarrhoea in a library was kind-of-okay and sorta charming, but now he’s officially gone too far.
That manchild routine may have been acceptable in the ’90s, but it’s 2011 and mass audiences will not put up with his crap anymore.
OK that’s a lie; his films always gross an obscene amount of money which convince people to finance his future films and leave those with any sort of taste weeping in the corner while trying to understand why the world is such a depressing place.
Remember Nicole Kidman from BMX Bandits and that Robbie Williams song? Well, she’s a new mother and she’s positively glowing about it. That’s because she’s had her Ready Brek, not because she’s ever been pregnant.
The Scientology escapist announced the birth of her and husband Keith Urban’s daughter called Faith who was born via someone else who Kidman didn’t care about them getting their vagina’s stretched beyond recognition.
And now, she wants another baby. Well she would, wouldn’t she? It’s a piece of piss when all you have to do is sit around with your arms expectantly wide, waiting for someone else to fire it into your embrace.
Nicole Kidman isn’t famous for much, but we can almost certainly all agree that her most famous roles were in BMX Bandits and that perfume advert where she garbled “I’m a daaaahncer! I love to dahnce!” with that one-night stand who wore a vest and had greasy hair. The hussy.
Anyway, in real life, she’s The Woman Who Escaped The Thetans and now, someone who has brought another future disappointment into the world aka a baby human being.
Kidman and her country warbling husband, Keith Urban, have announced that they are now parents of a new baby daughter. A daughter that was born with a surrogate for some reason. We can’t be bothered to find out why, so we’ll just assume that it is down to laziness.
Nicole Kidman is a mother – something that’s only really brought up when she’s on the promotional trail. We’re not parents of anyone, mind you. We’re only just competent enough to look after the hecklerspray house gerbil, and we don’t think it’s wise to make a leap to a house baby kept in the gerbil’s cage and fed from the same bowl with ‘Killer’ emblazoned in crayon.
All that considered, being the parents of precisely no one, we’re not really in a position to judge. We are, however, in a position to point and yell obscenities at our screens while licking melted chocolate buttons from our chubby little fingers.
So that’s what we’re going to do.
Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.
But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.
Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.
Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.
Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.
AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!
Hunting high and low.
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