Hey! It’s Nicolas Cage! He’s the most aspirational man alive! Why? Because if someone with as scant ability like Nic can sustain a lengthy career in Hollywood, then you boy, are able to achieve absolutely anything you put your mind to.
However, you might need a night terror or two to get you there.
See, when he’s not getting arrested for drunkenly brawling with his wife and getting bailed out by Dog The Bounty Hunter, he’s being visited in the dead of night by a grinning stranger hovering over his bed eating ice-cream. For real.
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Ah, Nic Cage! He’s not really very good at anything is he? He’s certainly not a particularly good actor and, as his recent bad behaviour in New Orleans shows, he’s not even very good at getting into trouble.
Despite the fact he disturbed the peace, got all up in his wife’s grill and dared the police to arrest him – which they did – even Dog The Bounty Hunter bailing him out of the jail didn’t really amount to proper trouble. It was just… funny.
As a result, Nicolas Cage is in the clear. It would appear that the police think he’s so lame that they can’t even be bothered to put him through the legal system.
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Nicolas Cage, the most lucky b-movie actor in the universe, has had a busy ol’ weekend. He was jailed for domestic violence while being more drunk (and as coherent) as a sock filled with Schnapps.
And what with this being Nicolas Cage, things weren’t ever going to play out in the same way it does when us plebs get arrested.
Bizarrely, Cagey was bailed out of prison by a man who looks like the chemical accident lovechild of Macho Man Randy Savage and Bret Michaels – Dog The Bounty Hunter! This could well be the greatest celebrity story ever written.
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Ups and downs.
Folded:
Creased:
- The Sun’s coverage of the Raoul Moat story (responsible as always)
- Murray misery (it doesn’t matter that we expected nothing, it still stings like a big fat bee caught on your testes)
- Top Gear mini-movies (If just one second of them wasn’t faked that would be nice)
- Scratchcards (when was the last time anyone won more than a £1 on these? Second thoughts, who still buys them? Idiots)
- Early Inception reviews (don’t read them; you’ll be just too hyped. There’s even one that mentions the word ‘miracle’.
10 - Have you seen your daily song about Lady Gaga performed by some Lithuanians yet? No? You’re in luck, then – YouTube
9 - Speaking of Lady Gaga, she’s got her boobyguns out again – AmyGrindhouse
8 - A guide to some burgers. Some delicious, delicious burgers – Asylum
7 – What’s that? A chance to watch every Nicolas Cage film ever made? Oh corporate businesses, this is how to win us over – BestWeekEver
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10 - Being vastly overweight: the barely-convincing upsides – Asylum
9 - Unofficial World Cup posters, which are awesome apart from ours which is crap – Buzzfeed
8 - This is hilarious: the Portuguese Eurovision entry, transcribed – Watchwithmothers
7 - Everybody wants to be in Transformers 3 - AmyGrindhouse
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There are many actors who have all sorts of memorable lines that we incorporate into everyday conversation.
Due to an unfortunate bout of audio dyslexia that we suffered for several years, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s classic line of “hasta la vista, baby” sounded to us like “pasta not pizza baby.” Not only did we come across as cocks, but various pizzerias got destroyed due to cutlery, crockery and drinks being thrown around. We are that mental.
Compared to Arnie, though, Nicolas Cage has fewer memorable lines. Why’s that? Pretty much because he seems like the sort of actor who gets his roles because a first-choice actor had already turned it down. After many of years of trying to make himself exciting, Cage has randomly announced his love of meat. But we all like meat, so what makes him different? Sadly, it’s because he’s vaguely famous and is being different. Or a fussy eating prick.
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Want to know a fact? Nicolas Cage is the greatest person to have ever walked the face of the Earth.
Want to know another fact? It’s a very quiet news day. So quiet, in fact, that this is a story about Nicolas Cage switching on the Christmas lights in Bath last night. No, no, we’re selling this short. This is actually a story about Nicolas Cage – a man so AWESOME that he once made a film about a superhero who SETS HIS HEAD ON FIRE AND SOLVES CRIMES – bringing an unparalleled sense of joy to the lives of an entire city.
We envy you, Bath. We really do.
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