Why, God, why? It was bad enough that you split Jon and Kate up. But Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo too? You sick omniscient sod.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were our favourite celebrity couple. We loved how we could never work out what either of them did, and how they’d probably spend entire months awkwardly staring at each other in total silence because they’d both forgotten the word for ‘hello’. But no more – Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have split up.

Why? Perhaps they just forgot that the other one existed. We do that all the time with them.

If you like sobbing, red-eyed confessional ballads that literally couldn’t be any more forgettable if they concussed you with a mallet as soon as they finish, we’ve got some really terrific news. Everyone knows how much Nick Lachey likes to commemorate romantic splits with jaw-droppingly hapless concept albums about heartbreak, right?

Well expect a doozy of a blub any minute now, because it’s been reported that Nick Lachey has split up with Vanessa Minnillo, the woman famous for… no, it’s gone. We’ll get back to you on that one.

It’s especially sad because, as far as we were concerned, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were the perfect celebrity couple. They had it all – bland good looks, annoyingly decent hair, hardcore sex photos, the overwhelming impression that they never spoke during meals because chewing used up their entire brain capacity, nice clothes – which just makes informing you of the Nick Lachey/ Vanessa Minnillo split even harder. That’s why we’ve decided to let People do it for us:

“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Minnillo’s rep tells PEOPLE of the couple, who began dating in 2006. The split comes after a rash of breakup rumors and reports, which were shot down. Earlier this month Minnillo told PEOPLE that she and Lachey were “very much still on.”

One of those breakup rumours involved Vanessa Minnillo falling for Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie. If that’s true, then it must have been one hell of a breakup conversation:

Vanessa Minnillo: Nick, this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve fallen in love with Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie.

Nick Lachey: What? But why? I don’t understand. Was it me? What did I do?

Vanessa Minnillo: Oh, don’t you see Nick? He’s… he’s just… look Nick, Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie is less famous than you’ll ever be.

Nick Lachey: How can you even say that? I’m Nick Lachey! I’m the least famous man in the world!

Vanessa Minnillo: You’re not, Nick, not any more. Remember that time we went to your cousin’s wedding and one of your parents remembered what your name was? That would never happen to Matt Lanter from Disaster Movie, Nick. That’s how completely obscure he is.

Nick Lachey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But still, as sad as all of this is, at least Nick Lachey won’t face any accusations that his relationship with Vanessa Minnillo was all a sham, like he did when his marriage to Jessica Simpson collapsed. True, that’s because the vast majority of people don’t really care if either Nick Lachey or Vanessa Minnillo live or die, but beggers can’t be choosers, can they?

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