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Mariah Carey isn’t a woman to retire from the limelight too readily. In fact, even in the case of her husband – Nick Cannon – being all drug-eyed and dripped in hospital, recovering from kidney failure, she still wants in on the action.
Sweet, sweet fantasy babeh.
That’s right! She’s snapped her poorly husband and leapt on the bed with him while he looks half-dead in a bobble-hat, unintentionally creating the finest photograph ever taken in human history. And yes, you can see it over the jump.
Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!
That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.
This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.
If you want to have a quick laugh, look at all the Mariah Carey headlines on Google News at the moment.
One says ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’. Another says ‘Mariah Carey pregnant?’. The one after that says ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’ again. It’s a nice mixture of certainty and cluelessness, like watching a puppy bat its paw at a scorpion. For the record, we couldn’t decide whether to go with ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’ or ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant?’ so we’re going to go with ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant?!?!’, even though it makes us sound vaguely astonished at the fact that Mariah Carey even has a functioning womb.
Anyway, is Mariah Carey pregnant? Oh, God knows. Haven’t you people got better things to worry about? Jesus.
The thing about America’s Got Talent is that it isn’t really about talent – it’s about attention-seeking idiots.
But at least America’s Got Talent knows this. That’s why, to replace Jerry Springer, the new host of America’s Got Talent has been named as Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Oh, you know Nick Cannon. He’s Mariah Carey‘s husband.
Anyway, to help Nick Cannon fit in, America’s Got Talent is changing its name to suit him. Currently it’s a toss-up between America Once Met A Stripper Called Talent, America’s Got A Rampant Desire For Fame and America Got Married To Someone With Talent For The Money.
Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image – and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.
That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.
And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.
Now that she’s got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook.
Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.
Not Mariah Carey, though – after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one – she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.
You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like ‘hey, look at me’, but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity.
This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn’t want to sully that by making it public. That’s our definition of dignity.
Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren’t directly looking at can see that you’re married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently.
Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.
OK, that’s it, it’s official – Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she’s only known for a month.
For all the reports of Mariah Carey’s marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about.
But we can lay all that to rest now – Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn’t famous and, besides, he doesn’t really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?
