z-News - HecklerSpray

FINALLY A TV Reboot Worth Watching: Murder, She Wrote!

August 9th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

After a week of stupid news, I FINALLY have something positive to report! As you may have noticed, basically every show that ever ended is getting rebooted because TV execs are lazy af.

Need a new family dramedy? Let’s just bring back The Gilmore Girls. Want a new suspenseful drama? Let’s bring back Prison Break. Need a new sassy gay show? See what the cast of Will and Grace is up to. Kevin James’ new sitcom sucks? Kill off the chick playing his wife and bring back the chick who played his wife on King of Queens. You get the idea.

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Gets REAL Job! A Good One, Too!

June 13th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Holy shit! Just a couple of days ago, I was saying how Hilary Duff clearly had won the ancient her vs. Lindsay Lohan feud simply because she had a real job, and now here’s Lindsay Lohan getting a real acting job in something people might actually watch!

Lindsay has been cast in the new British comedy series “Sick Note.” And get this: the premise sounds funny and it has a great cast!

Sick note stars Harry Potter alum Rupert Grint as a young man who gets misdiagnosed with a terminal illness, tells everyone he’s dying, finds out he’s been misdiagnosed, but decides to keep letting everyone think he’s dying. Classic British humour.

New Couple Alert: Zac Efron and Brittany Snow

August 18th, 2016 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

I’ve always wanted to title a blog New Couple Alert, and here we are! Dreams do come true. Nearly a decade ago, mega hunk Zac Efron and super cutie Brittany Snow starred in a little musical known as Hairspray together. They’ve stayed pretty close friends ever since, but now that they’re both single it seems like maybe they’ve decided to be more than friends.

Numerous sources are reporting that Zac and Brittany were spotted ”canoodling” together last night at the celebrity hot spot Nice Guy. Side note: How they fuck do places become celebrity hot spots? Wouldn’t celebs want to go places that the paparazzi didn’t lurk around 24/7? Seriously, all I hear about nowadays is celebs at this place called Nice Guy. Nice Guy is to 2016 what The Ivy was to 2007. Props to my people who feel that reference.

Brock Turner is a Total Douche

June 7th, 2016 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

So, when this whole Brock Turner story came to my attention and started blowing up in the media I was like “Well, I have a lot of feeling about this whole thing, but I won’t blog about it because it isn’t exactly celebrity gossip.”

But then UsWeekly, who are 100% on the Kardashian’s payroll started religiously writing about it so I was like “fuck it, I’ll treat myself by blogging about something that doesn’t involve a celebrity break up or butt implants” (as if I don’t enjoy doing that).

Kanye West is the New Amanda Bynes

February 19th, 2016 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Hey! Looks who’s back! And just in time for Kanye West’s epic Twitter meltdown! Even though I’m sure you’re all super curious as to what I’ve been up to, I’d like to focus this blog on the man of the hour: Yeezy. Remember when Amanda Bynes went all crazy and ended up being legit mentally ill? And how at the beginning of that she posted some insane stuff on Twitter? Yeah, that’s basically Kanye now.

Between taking credit for Wiz Khalifa’s kid, claiming Bill Cosby’s innocence, and begging Mark Zuckerberg for a billion dollars, Kanye is like one tweet away from asking Drake to murder his vagina (remember when Amanda Bynes did that?! But we can actually feel bad for Amanda Bynes…)

Harry Styles Might Be Awkwardly Banging Kendall Jenner

December 9th, 2013 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West need to watch the fuck out, because there is a new hottest couple in the Kardashian household: Kendall Jenner and Harry Styles. I was reluctant to write about these two until it seemed legit,?and now?after three sitings together (one leaving a hotel in the AM) it’s become clear that these two teenage dreams are rubbing on each other.

It all started a few weeks ago when the above picture was taken of these two sexy teens in a car after having dinner together. Afterwards, when Piers Morgan asked Styles if he was dating Jenner he said “We just went to dinner so no? I don’t know?” Yep, that sounds like awkward teen love to me!

Paging Captain Obvious: Maria Bello Comes Out as Bisexual

December 3rd, 2013 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

obvi

Since the vast majority of the kids I used to babysit turned out to be gay, I consider myself to have pretty phenomenal “gaydar”, which is why when Maria Bello wrote a pretty heartfelt essay in The New York Times about the fact she was in a long term relationship with a woman, I wasn’t even remotely shocked.

Maria Bello looks like a sexy badass lesbian (or in her case, a bisexual) who is probably a homicide detective or top lawyer who lays down the law hardcore in the day and lays down her lady hardcore in the evening, and I dig that. Once again, I’m stuck talking about something kind of serious, so I can’t make a ton of crude jokes, but in all honesty, Maria Bello’s essay was pretty cool.

R.IP. Paul Walker: The Ultimate 90’s Hunk

December 1st, 2013 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

rip

Usually the beginning of December fills me with warm fuzzy feelings and I can’t stop smiling like a jolly fucking Christmas elf, but today I’m pretty bummed out. One of my longest running celebrity crushes, Paul Walker, has died tragically at the young age of 40.

Walker, who is probably best known for the Fast and the Furious series, was killed on Saturday, ironically, in a car crash. Typically, I’d make an asshole joke about something like that, but I’m actually really sad about this. Paul Walker was an ageless hunk who was like a fine wine who got better year after year. But instead of dwelling about his sad passing, let’s remember him for his mega babe status and his work.

Someone Somewhere Still Cares About Paris Hilton’s Sex Tape

November 25th, 2013 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

?In recent news that no one cares about, former reality star/socialite/wannabe popstar actress/amateur porn star/full time shallow twat Paris Hilton has filed a lawsuit against a porn site in Slovenia for selling clips of her infamous sex tape “1 Night in Paris.” Slovenia is really putting the “slo” in it’s name since that shitty sex tape is like 10 years old.

In her suit, Hilton is requesting that the website be closed down and she wants to take ownership of the domain name the company had been using: ParisHiltonPornVideos.com.?The fact that some website decided?to cash in off of Paris?Hilton’s decade old sex tape isn’t the truly shocking part of this story; it’s more so that anyone would still be willing to pay to see that shit.

Justin Bieber is Sick of His Own Music, Pukes on Stage

October 2nd, 2012 By Chris Starr

Well, the moment finally happened. Just as I could only pretend to like my ex-girlfriend’s mum’s cooking for so long before gagging, so Justin Bieber has finally caved in and his body has involuntarily shown that actually, he is aware that he is melting our minds with vacuous, shitty pop.

It all happened in Glendale, AZ, which I’m almost certain was mentioned in the Bible as the site of the first step towards redemption for humanity. Bieber was performing the usual shit to his fans when suddenly he realised “I can’t go on with this lie anymore. I’ve been hiding my sickness at what I do for so long, but now i’m worn down from living the lie.”