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New York

Newsreader Busted For Punching Cop In Gob

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know about you, but whenever we’ve got in trouble for emailing bikini photos of ourselves to married men, we usually tend to divert attention away from it by punching policewomen in the face.

That’s what American newsreader Alycia Lane seems to have done, at least. Already this year Alycia Lane has found herself in the middle of a scandal after she was caught sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married NFL host, but now she’s blown that furore out of the water by getting arrested for punching a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on Sunday morning. Alycia Lane has denied the charges, of course, and says that she was just festively acting out the scene from the Nativity where baby Jesus punched a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on that holy Sunday morning. Or something.

We don't know about you, but whenever we've got in trouble for emailing bikini photos of ourselves to married men, we usually tend to divert attention away from it by punching policewomen in the face. That's what American newsreader Alycia Lane seems to have done, at least. Already this year Alycia Lane has found herself in the middle of a scandal after she was caught sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married NFL host, but now she's blown that furore out of the water by getting arrested for punching a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on Sunday morning. Alycia Lane has denied the charges, of course, and says that she was just festively acting out the scene from the Nativity where baby Jesus punched a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on that holy Sunday morning. Or something.
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Some Woman From Grey’s Anatomy Gets Married

by Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing like a punch-up at a wedding, so you’d expect that the wedding of Ellen Pompeo from Grey’s Anatomy – the fightiest show on TV – would end up looking like a deleted scene from 300, wouldn’t you.

Sadly, nothing of the sort took place on Friday when Ellen Pompeo married her boyfriend Chris Ivery in New York. In fact, Ellen Pompeo’s wedding was so low-key that not even Ellen Pompeo’s own father knew of it until after it happened. But can you blame Ellen Pompeo for keeping it a secret? After all, with the bickering and fighting on the Grey’s Anatomy set of late, Ellen must’ve been worried that her co-stars would have used chunks of human flesh as confetti if they’d have been invited. Plus the last thing anyone wants at their wedding is for Isaiah Washington to punctuate the vicar’s “Does anyone here present know of any reason…” speech by shrieking the word “FAGGOT!”

There's nothing like a punch-up at a wedding, so you'd expect that the wedding of Ellen Pompeo from Grey's Anatomy - the fightiest show on TV - would end up looking like a deleted scene from 300, wouldn't you. Sadly, nothing of the sort took place on Friday when Ellen Pompeo married her boyfriend Chris Ivery in New York. In fact, Ellen Pompeo's wedding was so low-key that not even Ellen Pompeo's own father knew of it until after it happened. But can you blame Ellen Pompeo for keeping it a secret? After all, with the bickering and fighting on the Grey's Anatomy set of late, Ellen must've been worried that her co-stars would have used chunks of human flesh as confetti if they'd have been invited. Plus the last thing anyone wants at their wedding is for Isaiah Washington to punctuate the vicar's "Does anyone here present know of any reason..." speech by shrieking the word "FAGGOT!"
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New York Mayor Gets Sex And The City Role

by Stuart Heritage

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new Sex And The City movie is easily the most highly-anticipated film amongst people who enjoy watching four crag-faced women sitting round a table talking about orgasms like they bloody invented them.

But it turns out that the Sex And The City movie will see another sex-obsessed harlot joining Horsey McGee and her horny middle-aged friends for their life of sipping overpriced cocktails in swanky bars full of insufferable tits and cracking onto men young enough to be their great-grandchildren – it’s Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York! It’s been announced that Michael Bloomberg has scored a role in the Sex And The City movie and, although nobody knows what he’ll be starring as yet, early odds are that he’ll be one of Kim Cattrall’s dildos.

That joke could be counted as political satire if we had the first clue about anything to do with Michael Bloomberg, you know.

Without a shadow of a doubt, the new Sex And The City movie is easily the most highly-anticipated film amongst people who enjoy watching four crag-faced women sitting round a table talking about orgasms like they bloody invented them. But it turns out that the Sex And The City movie will see another sex-obsessed harlot joining Horsey McGee and her horny middle-aged friends for their life of sipping overpriced cocktails in swanky bars full of insufferable tits and cracking onto men young enough to be their great-grandchildren - it's Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York! It's been announced that Michael Bloomberg has scored a role in the Sex And The City movie and, although nobody knows what he'll be starring as yet, early odds are that he'll be one of Kim Cattrall's dildos. That joke could be counted as political satire if we had the first clue about anything to do with Michael Bloomberg, you know.
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Paul McCartney All Kissy Kissy With A Millionaire, Possibly

by Stuart Heritage

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman’s touch – their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they’re stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass.

But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he’s been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he’s been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it’s clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell – a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world ‘paedophile’ in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice – it’s slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman's touch - their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they're stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass. But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he's been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he's been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it's clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell - a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world 'paedophile' in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice - it's slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.
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