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David Blaine Idiot Update: Upside Down & Expecting Us To Care

by Stuart Heritage

As we speak, David Blaine is hanging upside down six storeys above Central Park, and nobody seems to have told him that it’s a crap idea.

Nobody seems to know exactly why David Blaine has decided to hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours in a row without food or sleep. It’s probably best to presume that it’s just another one of those attention-seeking stunts he does from time to time because his mother didn’t hug him very often. However, with this stunt David Blaine runs the risk of doing some very serious damage to himself.

Apparently some kind of medical genius has decided that being upside down for 60 hours might make the blood go to David Blaine’s head, which could harm his eyesight. Bad news for David Blaine, but good news for those of us who want the stunt to end with David Blaine’s eyeballs popping out of his head, sending jets of blood spraying around in all directions over a crowd of screaming onlookers.

And, face it, deep down that’s all of us.

As we speak, David Blaine is hanging upside down six storeys above Central Park, and nobody seems to have told him that it's a crap idea. Nobody seems to know exactly why David Blaine has decided to hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours in a row without food or sleep. It's probably best to presume that it's just another one of those attention-seeking stunts he does from time to time because his mother didn't hug him very often. However, with this stunt David Blaine runs the risk of doing some very serious damage to himself. Apparently some kind of medical genius has decided that being upside down for 60 hours might make the blood go to David Blaine's head, which could harm his eyesight. Bad news for David Blaine, but good news for those of us who want the stunt to end with David Blaine's eyeballs popping out of his head, sending jets of blood spraying around in all directions over a crowd of screaming onlookers. And, face it, deep down that's all of us.
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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Sasquatch Family Sighted

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

So some town in New York state has had a rash of Bigfoot sightings recently – and of multiple creatures at a time too. To quote one witness referring to a sighting she had on her property:

“It had a juvenile with it about my height.”

To quote another witness:

“I kind of wanted to shave it, put it in a silk shirt and bring it to a German discotheque.”

OK – we made up quote #2 – but the first one is authentic! Read on!

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Boy George To Punish (ex) Co-Workers With Free Concert

by Ian Dransfield

Boy George is taking it back to the streets of New York; the very same ones that he tore a new a-hole a couple of years back. But rather than being armed with a sweeping brush and a dashing outfit, he’ll be back to what he’s more used to. Well, he’ll be back to what [...]

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Lindsay Lohan Might Have Stolen A Coat Once Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

The world of partially uncorroborated celebrity coat-theft accusations has just got a whole lot hotter, and it’s all thanks to LindsayLohan.

According to a woman by the name of Masha Markova, Lindsay Lohan stole and was photographed wearing an $11,000 fur coat of hers in January, and it was only returned three months later after Masha started threatening everyone with lawsuits. And now MashaMarkova is chasing Lindsay Lohan for a $10,000 ‘rental fee’.

There’s been no official word from Lindsay Lohan about these accusations yet, but that’s probably just because she’s ashamed of herself. If the claims are true, you see, it means that Lindsay’s just been outwitted by a woman who leaves $11,000 fur coats lying around in bars. Nice one, shithead.

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JK Rowling: That Unauthorised Harry Potter Book Is ‘Theft’

by Stuart Heritage

As if yesterday’s thrilling installment of That Court Case Where JK Rowling Gets Upset Because Someone Else Wrote A Harry Potter Book wasn’t enthralling enough, there’s more.

That’s because yesterday JK Rowling made it into court to speak about her outrage that a third-party Harry Potter reference book, The Lexicon Of Harry Potter, was being published without her say-so.

“We all know I’ve made enough money. That’s absolutely not why I’m here,” JK Rowling told the courtroom. And that sounds fair – quite often the mega-wealthy lose the thrill of making money and replace it with a new interest. Bill Gates has his epic philanthropic organisation, for example, and JK Rowling now has crushing the dreams of people who aren’t as rich as her.

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Harry Potter To Unleash His Naked Penis Across America

by Stuart Heritage

Americans know how they like their child-stars – naked and terrified of the malevolent horse-gods they’re also sexually aroused by.

So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.

Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions ofvoyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?

Americans know how they like their child-stars - naked and terrified of the malevolent horse-gods they're also sexually aroused by. So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe - who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star - has announced that he's taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September. Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions ofvoyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright - the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?
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Sean Connery: Neighbour From Hell

by C J Davies

It must be a nightmare living next door to James Bond.

Face it – you’d have that huge Aston Martin clogging up the driveway, a never-ending stream of Martini supply trucks dropping stuff off and the occasional coroner popping round to have a peek at dead ladies covered in gold paint. Not to mention the fact that he’d be looking all suave and ladykiller-like all the time, constantly showing off beautiful girlfriends like Eva Mendes while – in stark contrast – you have to settle for some slapper you met in Wetherspoons who looks a bit like the Cadbury’s Mini Eggs parrot.

Luckily, of course, Bond is simply a fictional character. You’d never have such trouble if you lived next to, say, actor Sean Connery, would you? Of course not – he’d be like a benevolent old uncle, constantly popping round from the flat upstairs to give you tins of shortbread and perform entertaining highland jigs when there’s nothing on television.

You’d think that, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you? Hell yes you would – and you’d quite literally be the wrongest person in the whole wide world for doing so.

It must be a nightmare living next door to James Bond. Face it - you'd have that huge Aston Martin clogging up the driveway, a never-ending stream of Martini supply trucks dropping stuff off and the occasional coroner popping round to have a peek at dead ladies covered in gold paint. Not to mention the fact that he'd be looking all suave and ladykiller-like all the time, constantly showing off beautiful girlfriends like Eva Mendes while - in stark contrast - you have to settle for some slapper you met in Wetherspoons who looks a bit like the Cadbury's Mini Eggs parrot. Luckily, of course, Bond is simply a fictional character. You'd never have such trouble if you lived next to, say, actor Sean Connery, would you? Of course not - he'd be like a benevolent old uncle, constantly popping round from the flat upstairs to give you tins of shortbread and perform entertaining highland jigs when there's nothing on television. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Hell yes you would - and you'd quite literally be the wrongest person in the whole wide world for doing so.
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Dina Lohan: ‘Look At Lindsay Lohan’s Naked Boobs! They’re Awesome!’

by Stuart Heritage

Several things must have gone through Lindsay Lohan’s mind as she posed for those naked photographs, like “I hope they dial down my bright red pubic hair with an airbrush” and “what will my mother think?”

But, although she was right to worry about the first one, Lindsay Lohan has no reason at all to fear the latter, because her mother Dina Lohan bloody well loves the naked Lindsay Lohan photos that were published earlier in the week.

That’s good to see – Dina Lohan’s endorsement of Lindsay Lohan’s nude photoshoot is not only heartwarming, but it’s also softened her up for all those Lindsay Lohan Hot Bitch XXX Dildo Slut Action DVDs that Lindsay will be reduced to starring in by 2010.

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Lindsay Lohan Naked Deliberately For Once

by Stuart Heritage

A month and a half in and Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex was starting to look embarrassingly dry.

But not any more, because Lindsay Lohan has got naked for a magazine. Deliberately naked, too – this isn’t one of those ‘Lindsay Lohan gets hammered and forgets to dress from the waist down on a night out’ stories. It’s an artfully-composed naked Lindsay Lohan shoot.

At least we think it’s Lindsay Lohan. She’s hidden behind a transparent cloth for most of it and – since the fluorescent red glow from her vagina doesn’t make our eyes burn like a mace attack – we have our doubts, frankly.

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Lindsay Lohan Back On The Sauce Again, Again

by Stuart Heritage

As a recovering addict, Lindsay Lohan knows that the moment even an atom of booze passes her lips she’ll fill her trousers with cocaine and go and crash her car somewhere stupid.

But still, that threat alone hasn’t stopped Lindsay Lohan from impinging on her Year Of Sex, because it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan recently went out, rubbed herself up and down two different men, chugged a bunch of cocktails and then had a fight with some photographers.

Yeah yeah, allegedly. Jeez.

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