Two things we like but, as professional bloggers, haven’t done in years are go on holiday and smell nice. We’ve forgotten what both of those things are like.

But you, you lucky sods, have the chance to do both. After the jump is a widget where you can sign up and get sent free samples of 212 Sexy. Plus, if you submit your ’sexy places’, you’ll enter a competition to win a weekend in New York. That’s geographical sexy places, obviously. You can’t just write ‘my balls’. That’s not allowed. Apparently.

Anyway, it’s all after the jump.

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Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

What do Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have in common? Quite a lot, actually – they’re all successful popstars, for one. And they’re all keen on a spot of religious outrage – Madonna has pretended to be Jesus in the past, Britney Spears once seduced a priest on an album cover and Justin Timberlake is perhaps best known for his hit single I Did A Shit In A Bible.

Also, they’ve got a bit of a tricky history, sexually. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were a couple for a number of years, Madonna and Britney Spears kissed with tongues at an awards show and Justin Timberlake managed to keep his dinner down while watching Madonna grind about in a manky pair of knickers on the set of the Four Minutes video – the nearest a boy like him can be expected to get to having sex with gristley old Madonna these days.

And because of that, if Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears ever got together, we’d expect the result to be completely unpleasant for all involved. Let’s just hope that never happens.

Actually, scrap that. It is happening. According to reports, Madonna has engineered a three-way reunion between her, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake at her concert at Dodger’s Stadium tonight. OK! reports:

On Wednesday afternoon, Ryan Seacrest called in to local radio station KIIS FM, and broke the news that both Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears will take the stage together with Madonna tomorrow night when she performs at Dodger Stadium as. “I couldn’t wait to tell you this,” Seacrest said. “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her [Madonna]… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

Sounds good in principle, but we’re really just worried that the stress of the reunion will just bring out the worst in each performer. You know, Britney Spears could have a psychotic bald-headed relapse, Madonna could regress to her Body of Evidence days and – worst of all – Justin Timberlake could start thinking that he’s funnier than he actually is again. Gratuitous middle-aged nudity and harrowing mental trauma we can stand, but not an impromptu Timberlake stand-up set.

Also, let’s hope the promise of Madonna reuniting with both Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake is enough to get people to buy up the remaining tickets for tonight’s concert, otherwise Madonna will have to pull out another big reunion with someone from her past to make it even more exciting. And we’ve got a funny feeling that’d be Sandra Bernhard. Gree.

That’s because the logistics of shipping the world’s most famous couple plus all their assorted children to one of the world’s busiest cities are a nightmare. Such a nightmare, in fact, that Angelina Jolie’s gigantic army of family and staff apparently brought traffic to a grinding standstill in the area surrounding her hotel yesterday.

However, we get the feeling the this giant traffic jam was nothing more than a clever promotional stunt for Angelina Jolie’s new movie The Changeling. After all, it used to be known as the boring-looking movie that Angelina Jolie only did because she thought she’d get an Oscar out of it, and now it’s the movie that made a few New Yorkers a couple of minutes late for their tea. And that’s probably better, we’d imagine.

This trip to New York by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to promote The Changeling was probably the best thing for Angelina at the moment.

For example, if reports are to be believed Angelina Jolie is currently suffering from a touch of postnatal depression following the birth of her twins. And Brad Pitt’s just made her move to Berlin. Berlin, for crying out loud – the same city where David Bowie recorded Low, the same city that’s named after Lou Reed’s most depressing album and the city that inspired the name of the band who made Take My Breath Away. Frankly it’s a surprise that Angelina Jolie hasn’t thrown herself out of a bloody window already.

So, yes, it’s definitely good that Angelina Jolie has returned to New York for a large serving of razzle dazzle. Especially since, by single-handedly snarling up the entire city’s traffic system, Angelina gets to remember what it’s like to conduct your life with the profound sense of entitlement you only get in the good old US of A. MSNBC reports:

The family is in town for the premiere of Jolie’s new film, “Changeling,” and while there’s plenty of Oscar buzz surrounding Jolie’s performance, locals were buzzing about the traffic jam the family caused outside their midtown Manhattan hotel. “I guess the size of their family and the amount of traffic they cause is directly proportional,” said one observer. “You’d think (Jolie) was part of the U.N. General Assembly.”

Ha, yes, do you see? You’d think that Angelina Jolie was part of the U.N. General Assembly because all her children come from different places. Ha ha ha. Look, the representative for Cambodia wants more biscuits. Ha ha. And the ambassador for Angelina Jolie’s womb is trying to pass a resolution about needing a poo. Ha ha. Or something. Ha.

Still, let’s be thankful that Angelina Jolie is only in town to promote a highbrow arthouse movie that people will only watch because it might win an Oscar and they feel like they should. Imagine what’d happen to the traffic if she made a film that people actually liked the look of. People would be actually dying of starvation in their cars as we speak.

It’s too much to think about. Let’s just all be thankful that Angelina Jolie has never actually made one of these films.

Nobody seems to know exactly why David Blaine has decided to hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours in a row without food or sleep. It’s probably best to presume that it’s just another one of those attention-seeking stunts he does from time to time because his mother didn’t hug him very often. However, with this stunt David Blaine runs the risk of doing some very serious damage to himself.

Apparently some kind of medical genius has decided that being upside down for 60 hours might make the blood go to David Blaine’s head, which could harm his eyesight. Bad news for David Blaine, but good news for those of us who want the stunt to end with David Blaine’s eyeballs popping out of his head, sending jets of blood spraying around in all directions over a crowd of screaming onlookers.

And, face it, deep down that’s all of us.

We never really know where to stand on the whole David Blaine thing. On one hand his stunts are a perfect example of spectacle as public art, but on the other hand he’s a smug wanker and we constantly pray that he fails at everything he ever does. It’s a fine line to walk.

In recent years, David Blaine has pushed his body to its very limit by going wrinkly then almost drowning while trapped in what appeared to be a giant transparent anal bead and then sort of spinning around a bit. But it seems as though those stunts were just David Blaine’s warm-up for his new adventure, which started this morning. For now, readers, David Blaine is going to hang upside down for 60 hours.

Actually, that sounds rubbish, doesn’t it? We think the problem is this – David Blaine really ruined the endurance aspect of his shtick when he sat in a box above London for 40 days. 40 days seems quite a long time. If someone stayed in bed for 40 days it’d be quietly impressive. So when David Blaine announces that he’s only going to div around upside down for 60 poxy hours, it seems like a cop-out. We want David Blaine to hang upside down for three months until his head becomes the size of a big red life-raft and his legs and genitals have withered away to string. 60 hours is rubbish.

Except it’s not. Apparently if David Blaine hangs around upside down for the full 60 hours, he’ll probably go blind. And, oddly enough, not because he plans to spend those 60 hours constantly masturbating over passers by like like sort of horrific upside down flying tramp. Monsters And Critics reports:

Dr Massimo Napolitano, chief of vascular surgery at the Hackensack University Medical Center, New Jersey, told the Bergen Record newspaper that hanging upside down for a long time increases blood pressure in the head, especially in the eyes. This can cause blindness. “My biggest concern for him is possible clotting in the veins of his eyes, causing blindness,” said Dr Napolitano.

Now let’s be honest for a moment. The possibility of David Blaine going blind is definitely good for business. If a bunch of doctors with impressively foreign-sounding names all lined up to say that hanging upside down for two and a bit days would increase the bloodflow to David Blaine’s brain and make him super clever for the rest of his life, nobody would really care about the stunt. But if David Blaine went blind from hanging upside down for 60 hours, that’d really make him famous.

Not that we hope he does, of course. If David Blaine went blind, it’d be a real tragedy – how would he be able to blow kisses at himself into a mirror for days at a time if he can’t see? e imagine he probably does that a lot.

So some town in New York state has had a rash of Bigfoot sightings recently – and of multiple creatures at a time too. To quote one witness referring to a sighting she had on her property:

“It had a juvenile with it about my height.”

To quote another witness:

“I kind of wanted to shave it, put it in a silk shirt and bring it to a German discotheque.”

OK – we made up quote #2 – but the first one is authentic! Read on!

The following story is actually quite interesting. It’s of the non-horror variety – not always common when talking about the sasquatch – and it seems quite detailed. It’s about a woman named Patty Williams who lives on a farm-ish type property in New York state. She allegedly encounters the creatures pretty frequently.

It eats the food for her pigs, and as payment leaves her pine cones and rocks. She encounters the creature pretty frequently. She’s thrown rocks to where she thinks it is, and the rocks get tossed back. The same is true of a football.

In skipping to a quote from The Daily Freeman, a local paper:

In her most recent sighting, Williams said, she had gone to get coffee with a friend one evening and saw a bigfoot standing along her driveway. She said the creature’s eyes were glowing and that she knew it wasn’t a bear because it was at least 7 feet tall. “It’s pretty exciting,” Williams said. “Very interesting.”

And Patty’s not the only one to have seen the creatures – her mother and daughter have seen them too. Apparently the sightings have been going on for about four months – and it’s attracted hunters. Not the type with lethal ammunition, mind you, but the type with dart guns. They want to collect skin samples from the thing.

They’ve brought along other equipment too – like something called an electronic ear. This device has allowed them to hear footsteps from a great distance that they say don’t match the footfalls of any known woodland creatures. This sounds pretty weak to us, but if you’re hard up for evidence you gotta take what you can get.

The hunting team also found ‘a pod,’ which we think means an area of matted grass where the creatures might have slept for the night. Again, it’s evidence, but weak evidence.

What we’d like to see is this Williams woman walk around with a camcorder at the ready. She seems to see the thing enough. Get some decent footage and she’d be well on her way to a Patterson-like eternal glory.

Until that day comes though, it’s just another crummy sighting.

But rather than being armed with a sweeping brush and a dashing outfit, he’ll be back to what he’s more used to. Well, he’ll be back to what he was more used to a decade or two back when he still had a career beyond ‘celebrity’ DJing.

That’s right sanitation workers of NYC – Boy George is going to play a gig for you! All for you! Even you! And you! Not you though.

Best of all is the news that this selfless, humble superstar is to provide the cleaners and rubbish pickers of New York all the entertainment they could ever want for free! They won’t even have to pay him in discarded, soiled underpants or anything. Georgey really is an example to us all.

In a statement (possibly) tearfully released to the media, the former A-Team cameo extraordinaire said:

“The people I worked alongside showed great kindness to me at a difficult time. I wanted to thank them all in a way that would show my appreciation.”

Hecklerspray can’t help but think that a better way to show your appreciation would be to not play for these poor souls, who are all likely to feel some kind of sympathy for the limelight-starved Culture Club member, alongside the inevitable feeling that they have to attend. No one likes it when you feel you’re being forced into going to something, and 5,000 binmen going to watch Boy George?

Actually, that’s a bit surreal.

No, we feel that a far better way to thank the tireless efforts of the New York Sanitation Department would be to say ‘thank you for your help’ and send them a card. Organising a pop concert when you’re clearly past it and nobody has cared about your career for the last two decades is a bit rich.

And let’s not even mention the fact that it’s a clear and blatant grab for some of that ever-elusive positive press for George.

Or, well, just any press at all. Ever.

According to a woman by the name of Masha Markova, Lindsay Lohan stole and was photographed wearing an $11,000 fur coat of hers in January, and it was only returned three months later after Masha started threatening everyone with lawsuits. And now Masha Markova is chasing Lindsay Lohan for a $10,000 ‘rental fee’.

There’s been no official word from Lindsay Lohan about these accusations yet, but that’s probably just because she’s ashamed of herself. If the claims are true, you see, it means that Lindsay’s just been outwitted by a woman who leaves $11,000 fur coats lying around in bars. Nice one, shithead.

Lindsay Lohan has done some terrible things in the past involving drink driving and drug addiction and public nudity, but she’s never stooped to the depravity of stealing some woman’s coat and then giving it back a few months later. Well, actually, that’s not strictly true – Lindsay Lohan may have slept with one of McFly once, and that’s about as depraved as you can get – but still. Pinching a woman’s coat? Tut tut.

That’s the claim, anyway. Masha Markova, whoever she is, is demanding $10,000 from Lindsay Lohan after she apparently swiped Markova’s $11,000 fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak in January and was then photographed wearing it like a kind of grotty ginger Cruella de Vil in a glossy magazine.

Yes, we know this is basically just a retreat of that time at school when you lost your PE shorts and blamed the fat kid, but this is better because a) your shorts weren’t made of ridiculously expensive mink and b) everyone involved in this story is clearly a giant twat. The San Francisco Chronicle picks up the story:

Markova tells the New York Post, “It was my coat. It was no doubt.” Markova instructed her lawyer to threaten to legal action the actress. Soon after, she was contacted by bosses at 1 Oak, who then returned the item, without explanation, smelling of alcohol and cigarette smoke and with a tear in the lining. Although she cannot prove Lohan is responsible for “borrowing” the coat, Markova is demanding a $10,000 fee for the rental. She says, “I don’t see how it could have been an accident.”

So let’s get this straight – a woman left a coat in a bar and then got it back a while later smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. She left the coat in a bar. It smelled of alcohol. Bar. Alcohol. Bar. Alcohol. Nope, we can’t work out this mystery at all.

Anyway, Masha Markova will be lucky to get this $10,000 rental fee from Lindsay Lohan whether she stole the coat or not. Lindsay’s not exactly brimming with work at the moment, and whatever money she has at the moment needs to be kept safe for the next time she gets trashed on booze, crashes a car and spends the best part of a year in rehab.

But that should be the least of Lindsay Lohan’s worries right now – regardless of her involvement in Markova’s accusations, by wearing a fur coat in the first place Lindsay Lohan has marked herself out for some PETA victimisation any day now.

Although, to be fair, Lindsay Lohan has a perfectly valid excuse. Since PETA’s most successful campaign is ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’, all it’ll take if for Lindsay Lohan to explain that she’s already tried going naked before but it sort of grossed everyone out so she decided to wear fur instead. It’s watertight.

Read more:

Lohan Caught Up In Coat Riddle – SFC

That’s because yesterday JK Rowling made it into court to speak about her outrage that a third-party Harry Potter reference book, The Lexicon Of Harry Potter, was being published without her say-so. “We all know I’ve made enough money.

hat’s absolutely not why I’m here,” JK Rowling told the courtroom. And that sounds fair – quite often the mega-wealthy lose the thrill of making money and replace it with a new interest.

It’s rare for a court case about a reference book to make a lot of headlines – we can only really think of the time that Britney Spears wrote her 1,200-page tome The Unbearable Lightness Of Being: The Knickerless Perspective back in 2006 – but that was before anyone tried writing a Harry Potter reference book.

As you’re probably quite sick of hearing now, JK Rowling has launched a lawsuit against publisher RDR Books because of its intent to publish The Harry Potter Lexicon, a third-party Harry Potter encyclopedia that will directly compete with JK Rowling’s own forthcoming Harry Potter encyclopedia.

JK Rowling’s court case started yesterday in New York, and it opened with a bang – JK Rowling herself took to the stand herself to defend against accusations that she just didn’t want to see anyone else make money from Harry Potter. And, to be fair, JK Rowling looked all wet-eyed and Princess Dianaish. Reuters reports:

When asked what Potter meant to her, the mother-of-three said: “I really don’t want to cry, because I am British … It’s like asking how do you feel about your child.” “This is very personal to me,” said Rowling, who wrote the first Potter book as a poverty-stricken single mother and is now estimated by The Sunday Times to be worth about $1 billion. “I am an author — 17-years of my work is being exploited here. This is not about money.”

And this lawsuit hasn’t just affected JK Rowling’s plans for her Harry Potter encyclopedia – she also claims that the stress of the court case has ‘decimated’ her creativity and has postponed her big Harry Potter follow-up book.

In fact, JK Rowling says that the book might not ever see the light of day now, thanks to the accompanying mental anguish of what she’s going through now.

Look, we’re all thinking the same thing here – let’s all go away and write a knocked-off Harry Potter book each.

By the time JK Rowling’s done suing all of us then she won’t have it in her to ever write another book again. And that’ll be one less person’s stupendous success to be bitterly jealous about, right?

Read more: Rowling tells court she’s stopped working – Reuters

So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.

Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions of voyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?

Look out New York, Harry Potter’s naked penis is coming to enslave your city. Sure, you think the idea of looking at Harry Potter’s penis is kind of fun and silly now, but just you wait – after 15 seconds of watching Harry Potter’s gently-undulating ballsack you’ll be hypnotised and completely under his power. So don’t come running to us when you wake up the following morning and can’t work out why one of your eye sockets smells like wizard testicle.

Which we suppose is the most graceful way we could think of to tell you that Daniel Radcliffe is taking his hugely successful Equus run to Broadway later this year. Yes, soon even Americans will be able to experience the disquieting psychological onslaught of a play about a boy who stabs horses in the eye and makes a doctor dream that he’s ripping the hearts out of hundreds of crying children while dressed in a golden priest’s mask.

But let’s dispense with any talk of the actual play, because Equus will be a draw for one thing only – Harry Potter’s naked penis. It was Harry Potter’s naked penis that made Equus a success in Britain and it’s what’ll make Americans go and see it too. The Associated Press reports:

Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the “Harry Potter” movies, will make his Broadway debut on Sept. 5, playing the disturbed stable boy in a revival of Peter Shaffer’s play, “Equus,” it was announced Tuesday. “Equus” begins previews Sept. 5 for a limited 22-week run at the Broadhurst Theatre. The play opens Sept. 25-Feb. 8, 2009. Thea Sharrock directs.

Already plans are afoot to make everyone in New York sure that they know all about Harry Potter’s naked penis. There’ll the be obligatory late night talk show interviews, plus heavy coverage in the press and – if all goes according to plan – Daniel Radcliffe will announce his entrance into New York by smacking the head off the Statue Of Liberty like the Cloverfield monster. With one of his bollocks.

And we’re sure that Harry Potter’s naked penis will be quickly accepted into the New York theatrical community. Let’s not forget that New York is a city that loves public nudity – Lindsay Lohan didn’t get naked in New York magazine for nothing, you know – and there’s nothing more erotic than a young man stripping off at the behest of a non-existent equine deity, as the city’s cavalcade of Hot Teen Boy & Berserk Imaginary Horse God cock bars will attest.

Yes, Harry Potter’s naked penis, you will do well there.

Read more:

Radcliffe to Make B’way Debut in Fall – AP

Face it – you'd have that huge Aston Martin clogging up the driveway, a never-ending stream of Martini supply trucks dropping stuff off and the occasional coroner popping round to have a peek at dead ladies covered in gold paint. Not to mention the fact that he'd be looking all suave and ladykiller-like all the time, constantly showing off beautiful girlfriends like Eva Mendes while – in stark contrast – you have to settle for some slapper you met in Wetherspoons who looks a bit like the Cadbury's Mini Eggs parrot.

Luckily, of course, Bond is simply a fictional character. You'd never have such trouble if you lived next to, say, actor Sean Connery, would you? Of course not – he'd be like a benevolent old uncle, constantly popping round from the flat upstairs to give you tins of shortbread and perform entertaining highland jigs when there's nothing on television.

You'd think that, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Hell yes you would – and you'd quite literally be the wrongest person in the whole wide world for doing so.

Connery, you see, is apparently a bit of an ordeal. He and his New York neighbour are continually at each other's throats, and we don't mean in an amusing, they-love-each-other-really 70s sitcom sort of way. Oh no – they mean business.

Connery occupies the top two floors of an Upper East Side townhouse, while the bottom four floors are inhabited by  Dr. Burton Sultan and his family. Seany-boy isn't too happy with this arrangement, though: he wants the whole bloody building to himself, presumably so he can stockpile every existing copy of Zardoz in there and then blow the place up.

Apparently a letter from Connery's lawyer has surfaced, which reveals some dastardly plans:

"I think if we tie him (Sultan) up in several lawsuits, hopefully this will either permanently subdue him, or drive him out of the building."

It isn't all one-way traffic, though. Dr. Sultan himself has taken legal action in the past, and one of these lawsuits labelled Connery thus:

"A rude, foul-mouthed, fat old man who plays loud music all the time while stomping about the apartment."

If hecklerspray was in Sultan's shoes, we'd be looking for a new place to live. Not because we're intimidated by Connery's gruff reputation, of course – we'd just be more worried that whatever insanity led him to make Entrapment might be contagious, and before too long we'd be engaged in all sorts of mediocre, badly-scripted action sequences.

And after that remake of National Treasure we just did, that's the last thing we'd want.

Read More:

Sean Connery branded neighbour from hell in ongoing property row - Daily Mail

But, although she was right to worry about the first one, Lindsay Lohan has no reason at all to fear the latter, because her mother Dina Lohan bloody well loves the naked Lindsay Lohan photos that were published earlier in the week.

That's good to see – Dina Lohan's endorsement of Lindsay Lohan's nude photoshoot is not only heartwarming, but it's also softened her up for all those Lindsay Lohan Hot Bitch XXX Dildo Slut Action DVDs that Lindsay will be reduced to starring in by 2010.

For someone who's pretty much had her bare genital area photographed more often than her face in recent years, the fuss caused by those Marilyn Monroe-aping naked Lindsay Lohan pictures that appeared in New York magazine this week has been far greater than anyone could have imagined. 

We're not sure why Lindsay Lohan's naked spread captured the imagination the way it did. Perhaps there was a perverse thrill in seeing the child star of The Parent Trap naked, perhaps people appreciated the artfully authentic way it reimagined Marilyn Monroe's famous Last Shoot, or perhaps it's just a clear indication that Lindsay Lohan's slow path towards starring in nothing but barely-watched cable television erotic thrillers is still dead on track.

But none of that matters, because the naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot has at least gained the approval of Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. MSNBC reports:

"It was very tastefully done," she told People of her daughter’s cover shoot. "I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically,” Dina, who manages Lindsay, said of the pics. “For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say, 'Can you recreate these photos?' is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother." … "She's always loved Marilyn," Dina said. "For Christmas, my girlfriends even gave her a Marilyn cookie jar. I think there's a sadness that Lindsay feels for Marilyn. Lindsay really saw it as a gift back to someone."

Make no mistake, it is a gift back to someone – it just happens that that someone is probably a teenage boy with a permanent erection who'd wank himself into a jizz blizzard at the sight of an old lady's bra, let alone some 'artful' naked Lindsay Lohan photos.

Anyway, let's not forget that Dina Lohan is the quintessential pushy stage mum who notoriously lives her life vicariously through Lindsay in the hope that she can piggyback on her fame for long enough to get her own daytime TV show or something. Bearing this in mind, Dina Lohan isn't saying "I respect my daughter's decision," but "Seriously, if you think she looks good naked, wait until you see my middle-aged boom-baps! Pazow!" 

And that's disgusting, so let's have no more to do with any of this.

Read more:

Lindsay’s mom OK with nude photo shoot - MSNBC 

But not any more, because Lindsay Lohan has got naked for a magazine. Deliberately naked, too – this isn't one of those 'Lindsay Lohan gets hammered and forgets to dress from the waist down on a night out' stories. It's an artfully-composed naked Lindsay Lohan shoot.

At least we think it's Lindsay Lohan. She's hidden behind a transparent cloth for most of it and – since the fluorescent red glow from her vagina doesn't make our eyes burn like a mace attack – we have our doubts, frankly.

Never say that Lindsay Lohan doesn't know how to react to stuff. Tell her that she stars in too many kid's films and she'll make a shit movie about a pair of amnesiac strippers instead. Arrest Lindsay Lohan for having all sorts of cocaine in her trousers and she'll never wear any trousers ever again. Or underwear. Or any other clothes apart from a sort of mostly transparent gauze thing, like Marilyn Monroe did before she died.

You've got it – Lindsay Lohan has decided to pose naked for New York magazine, mimicking Marilyn Monroe's infamous 'Last Shoot'. It's not particularly shocking to see Lindsay Lohan naked – there was a sort of vaguely naked Lindsay Lohan on the front cover of Vanity Fair a few years ago, plus it's no secret that Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend took some naked pictures of her recently, and if you haven't seen what Lindsay Lohan's vagina looks like now, you're past help.

But this is different, because it's for a magazine that classy people read – so this is Lindsay Lohan naked as art, not Lindsay Lohan naked as a grubby masturbation aid for the chronically misinformed. And it also meant that Lindsay Lohan could pretend that she's cleverer than she is in the accompanying article, as demonstrated in New York:

“I didn’t have to put much thought into it. I mean, Bert Stern? Doing a Marilyn shoot? When is that ever going to come up? It’s really an honor… I wanted to portray the book and get it point-on as much as I could, to bring it back to life… “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public,” Lohan said, about the Monroe photos, when we spoke the next day by phone. “She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself.’ She’s taking control back."

Oh Lindsay, always turning everything into an attack on the entertainment industry when you're the one whipping your knickers off to try and remind movie executives that you're still alive after Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me tanked so badly.

Because you'd be dumb not to think that these naked Lindsay Lohan pictures were for anything other than to further her career. Not only is she young and nubile and glamorous, the pictures are saying, but also she's totally ready to do late-night direct to DVD erotic thrillers now. Plus she's cheap after all that rehab!

More frightening still are the prospects for Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. After all, having it off with the male inhabitants of an island is one thing, but posing naked so that the entire planet can see your hooters? In February? Christ knows what Lindsay Lohan will do to mark the third month of her Year Of Sex if this is the standard she's setting, but it had better take place on a tarpaulin with a water hydrant nearby, because we're pretty sure it's going to make a mess.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe in "The Last Sitting" – New York

Images: Bert Stern/New York 

But still, that threat alone hasn't stopped Lindsay Lohan from impinging on her Year Of Sex, because it's been reported that Lindsay Lohan recently went out, rubbed herself up and down two different men, chugged a bunch of cocktails and then had a fight with some photographers.

Yeah yeah, allegedly. Jeez. 

To be honest with you, we're a little bit disappointed with the way that Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex is panning out. Her brief was pretty well-defined – Lindsay just had to get over her addictions to booze and drugs by boffing every single man she came across. And, although Lindsay Lohan started well – single-handedly annexing the island of Capri with her vagina in a day – lately it seems to have gone a little dry.

Either that or Lindsay Lohan has learnt not to spray her ladymusk around in public. But where's the fun in that?

Sensing our unease at events, though, Lindsay Lohan is back on track and making up for lost time, if reports are to be believed. Apparently on Friday Lindsay Lohan turned up to the Beatrice Inn in New York with reality TV gonk Brody Jenner and ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, the man who's primarily famous for crashing Paris Hilton's car.

That in itself is fine – after all, this is Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex and we should be encouraging her to do it with as many men as she can – but then Lindsay Lohan had a couple of drinks and all hell broke loose. The New York Daily News reports:

"Lindsay is learning how to work through her addictions and, once in a while, she chooses to have a cocktail," says a friend, attempting to explain. "People overexaggerate her behavior when in fact on Friday night, many people commented to her on how composed she was." One source contends that drinks were showing on Linds on Friday. Confronted by paparazzi at the Beatrice, "she started going berserk," claims a witness. "She didn't want them taking shots of her with Brody."

And this is how it begins. First Lindsay Lohan takes a cheeky swig from a bottle of champagne, then she has a couple of cocktails in a bar and gets a bit fighty, then the next thing you know she's trying to cram as many illegal drugs into her trousers as she can and crashing her her. And then, who knows? Lindsay Lohan could wind up in rehab again… or worse.

She could make I Know Who Killed Me 2. Or, you know, she could die or something.

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Lindsay Lohan shows hostile spirit - New York Daily News 

That's what American newsreader Alycia Lane seems to have done, at least. Already this year Alycia Lane has found herself in the middle of a scandal after she was caught sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married NFL host, but now she's blown that furore out of the water by getting arrested for punching a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on Sunday morning. Alycia Lane has denied the charges, of course, and says that she was just festively acting out the scene from the Nativity where baby Jesus punched a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on that holy Sunday morning. Or something.

You know what we love? Female American newsreaders, that's what. Giant-haired, model-pretty, dumb as a sack of verrucas, so ambitious they'd stab you to death with a letter-opener if they felt you were getting an atom more attention than them and all called things like Zoran Alopecia, female American newsreaders are perhaps the purest example of everything that's good about the world.

After all, it was a female American newsreader who slagged off her sister-in-law in the loo on microphone during a George Bush speech about 9/11, and it's a female American newsreader who's just been arrested for punching a policewoman in the face in New York. Alycia Lane is an Emmy-winning newsreader for KYW-TV in Philadelphia, something that makes her slightly famous in Philadelphia but not much everywhere else. But Alycia Lane is working on that.

How? Why, by apparently punching a plain-clothes policewoman full in the face and insulting her because she was driving her car quite slowly, of course. Alycia Lane was arrested at 2am on Sunday for allegedly punching a policewoman's face in following an argument and was subsequently charged with assaulting a police offer, a felony.

To her credit, though, Alycia Lane denies absolutely everything about her arrest, as her lawyer David Smith told the New York Daily News:

"She absolutely didn't hit or make derogatory remarks to anyone," Smith said. "She was inside the taxi when the initial confrontation was going on." He added that Lane got out of the cab only to photograph the fracas, but "her camera was violently grabbed from her. She was shocked to learn after the fact that these people were plain-clothed police officers."

Of course, since Alycia Lane is a whiter-than-white upstanding citizen with an unblemished record of do-gooding and a brain that has never even computed a single bad thought, we have no option to believe her side of the story. Except that this isn't the first trouble Alycia Lane has gotten into this year – a few months ago the wife of an NFL network anchor busted Lane's scheme to email a load of bikini photos of herself to her husband.

And isn't sending some beachwear photos to a man exactly the same thing as punching an undercover police officer in the face? Of course it is – but we don't think that Alycia Lane should to jail for this incident. No, she should team up with Foxy Brown and Naomi Campbell to become a new female superhero trio dedicated to fighting crime by kicking stuff over and beating each other up a lot and shit.

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News Anchor Busted For Punching Cop – New York Daily News  

Sadly, nothing of the sort took place on Friday when Ellen Pompeo married her boyfriend Chris Ivery in New York. In fact, Ellen Pompeo's wedding was so low-key that not even Ellen Pompeo's own father knew of it until after it happened. But can you blame Ellen Pompeo for keeping it a secret? After all, with the bickering and fighting on the Grey's Anatomy set of late, Ellen must've been worried that her co-stars would have used chunks of human flesh as confetti if they'd have been invited. Plus the last thing anyone wants at their wedding is for Isaiah Washington to punctuate the vicar's "Does anyone here present know of any reason…" speech by shrieking the word "FAGGOT!"

More than a year has passed since the set of Grey's Anatomy was turned into the sort of screaming brawling mess you'd normally expect to see outside a Basingstoke Irish theme pub at closing time, and yet the aftershocks are still being felt.

This could be because of the way it was dealt with – after apparent fight-instigator Isaiah Washington was sacked from the show for screaming the word 'faggot' at then-closeted co-star TR Knight, he kept banging on about it until July – or it could be because Grey's Anatomy is such a terribly anaemic self-help bag of utter tittery that an amateurish, five-second-long shoving match is still the most exciting thing the show has ever produced.

That is, until now. That's because Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo – not the one from Knocked Up or the homophobic one or the gay one or the one from Sideways or the one with the nice hair; the one who's like an even more annoying Renee Zellweger – has got married. That's right, married. To a man. In a building. You might want to take a couple of seconds to get used to the magnitude of this.

According to reports, Ellen Pompeo's marriage to music producer Chris Ivery was a total surprise to everyone who didn't already know that Ellen Pompeo was engaged. Not only that but Ellen Pompeo's wedding was an ultra low-key event too, being held in the little-known and hard-to-find New York City Hall and with witnesses including famous recluse Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York – although he was probably just angling to follow-up his Sex And The City role with a cameo on Grey's Anatomy that allowed him to barge into an operating theatre and shout "I thought I was your boyfriend!" at the surgeon just like everyone else bloody does on the show. 

Anyway, despite being held in one of the most famous buildings on Earth with the mayor of one of the most famous cities on Earth as a witness, Ellen Pompeo still wanted to keep things so low-key that she didn't actually tell her Dad about it. Which would probably shine a light on what seems to be the troubled, complex relationship between Ellen Pompeo and her father which we're sure we'd look into if we even gave half a mouse's fart about Ellen Pompeo in the first place.