Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.

Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.

BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’?

When a boyband runs out of ideas, it is a good idea to trade on the vague drama they’ve had in their career.

This usually manifests itself in a song about how much they’ve grown up, complete with a black and white montage video of all the members, complete with slightly embarrassing footage of them starting out and slo-mo screaming fans in a stadium somewhere (usually South America to show just how popular they are worldwide).

Sadly, most boybands are completely soap-opera free. In Take That’s case, they are an actual band, so the slightly pretentious documentaries, scandals and reunions are as close to the real deal as supposedly more credible rock bands. In the case of Westlife, they’ve simply forged a career through tenacity. They simply refuse to go away. The closest thing to controversy is when doe-eye in chief, Shane Filan, responded to a potential McFadden reunion last year, when he said:

“I don’t think it’s even remotely interesting if Brian came back”

That’s almost an opinion! That’s definitely the closest thing Westlife have ever gotten to trouble. Naturally, that thinking has been swept under the rug now. The crease has been ironed out. There’s no need for Westlife to be even remotely interesting. Shane now says:

“I look up to bands like Take That who are the best out there and it was good to see them put the past behind them and move on by having Robbie back.”

“I’d never rule out Brian coming back because there never was a bad patch with him. Brian was great with fans. I definitely think some day it would be great fun to sing with Brian again.”

See? How staggeringly uninteresting is that? We hoped for ‘we’d reluctantly take him back… he was a prize weapon just before he left and he’s got some serious apologising to do… mainly for that gaspingly peculiar chin he’s got.’ But no. Everything is lovely and beige in the Westlife garden. How bloody wonderful.

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The internet has always been a damaging tool for unintended material to go viral. All you need to do is type “Star Wars Kid” into YouTube to see multiple mocked up videos of the original showing someone emulating one of the characters… or if you prefer, some tubby kid being roundly mocked for having fun.

Twitter has the ability to make a piece of footage go viral in seconds thanks to the power of retweets. One such person who fell victim to this was Rebecca Black. Her parents paid for her to live the dream of a popstar but nobody knew that the song sounded so ropey due to the extreme use of autotune.

At first, the taunts were confined to users describing the song as rubbish. But when personalised threats of violence were uttered, it all got a bit out of hand. But in true Disney esque style, Rebecca Black has come out on top and has released a more polished follow up.

Whilst the video is clichéd to hell, the alternative could have just been Rebecca Black sitting on a chair with her flicking the v’s to the camera.

After all, the video is practically screaming to the person who tweeted pointless anger at her, that as a result it has propelled her in to someone who has gained fame and fortune.

It’s quite probable that she has more money than anyone sending her abuse and the writers of hecklerspray combined.

The plight of Rebecca Black hasn’t gone unnoticed as Katy Perry has even had her cameo in the ironically titled video “Last Friday Night.” Again, both songs might not be our ideal musical preference but we’re not going to send death threats via Twitter to the two involved. Though you only have to look at weird Justin Bieber fans that do that to Selena Gomez on a continual basis. Just because they’re under the deluded impression their idol will whisk them away after spraying themselves with his perfume.

Fear not though dear reader, we’ll soon revert back our regular service of being miserable cynical bastards; we don’t like all this happy stuff. But when it comes down to literally bullying someone over something private that accidentally leaked on the internet, even we struggle to make jokes about it.

[Matthew Laidlow has now been fired from hecklerspray because of this article. Of course, this record is yet another abomination filled with autontune, cynical manipulation of the hearts of those who worried about a young girl being trolled by Internet Types, and now that she's gone 'overground', she's as fair game as anyone. Let the mocking commence. Ed]

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Delta Goodrem is a singer. Now, you may find that patronising, but we thought you might need reminding as it would appear she’s only famous for having cancer and being dim enough to see Brian McFadden as a suitable mate.

Of course, once McFadden had released his date-rape classic, ‘Just The Way You Are’ (listen here if you missed it), it didn’t take Goodrem long to bin the former Westlifer off.

And now, much to screaming girls annoyance, Goodrem has been spotted out and about holding hands with crooning clone Nick Jonas.

The biggest scandal for anyone who remotely cares about this tedious union is the age gap between the two singers.

Basically, Delta Goodrem is 26 years old and Nick Jonas recently celebrated his tenth birthday where he received gifts from his singing brothers, such as a singing Justin Bieber toothbrush and some He-Man figures.

Apparently, this gasping duo have developed a close relationship while recording obviously awful tracks for Delta’s new album in LA earlier in the year. And now, they’ve been spotted sloping off for a romantic evening of necking on the back row of the Arclight Cinema.

Amusingly, Delta has been rumoured to have had an affair with ‘work colleague’ while going out with Brian McFadden. We asked the heckler magic 8-ball if the ‘work colleague’ was Nick Jonas and it initially said ‘No’, but we shook it a few times ’til it said ‘All signs point to yes’.

So there you have it. It is definitely on.

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Yesterday, we spoke about Lady GaGa being a motorbike. Apparently, the image (pictured right) is her new album cover and… well… it is fair to say that it isn’t in-line with her usual arthaus image.

With GaGa gathering up bug-eyed devotees like some kind of rampaging pop-missionary, there are those who are howling with rage!

A lot of fans really aren’t too keen on this new piece of artwork, thinking that it looks like a piece of shoddy photoshoppery, while others are absolutely convinced that the whole thing is a bit of a practical joke. On top of that, the idiots from the Christian church are throwing their hands up in disgust as well.

One fan spits about the new Born This Way picture:

“This better be fake. Because I am not OK with it”

Another adds

“WTF NO”

The outpouring seems to suggest that this isn’t up to the usual GaGa standard, making us believe that she’s pranking everyone for a bit of a wheeze. Or, just as likely, she’s actually going to use if for her new LP, also for japes.

GaGa tweeted in return to the criticism:

“Can’t believe it’s here! So happy+free to finally share this w you”

This prompted even more complaining for people who don’t realise that some fine, fine albums have really dismal sleeves.

All the while, this is drumming up interest in her new song, ‘Judas’, which appeared online recently. There’s no official video yet, but apparently, GaGa will appear as Mary Magdalene. Have a listen to it here.

Of course, with GaGa being famous and tackling themes of Christianity (or indeed, just flicking the fingers up at them – who cares really?), someone had to get their heckles up.

Cue Bill Donahue, president of The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights. He says:

“This is a stunt… Lady Gaga tries to continue to shock Catholics and Christians in general: she dresses as a nun… she swallows the rosary. She has now morphed into a caricature of herself.”

Meanwhile, her creative director, Laurieann Gibson, spoke about the video’s potential for offence.

“It went through several changes and late-night debates because at one point, there were two completely different views and I was like, ‘Listen, I don’t want lightning to strike me! I believe in the gospel and I’m not going there.’ And it was amazing because to have that conversation about salvation, peace and the search for the truth in a room of non-believers and believers, to me, that was saying God is active in a big way. And the place that it came to is surreal. We don’t touch on things that we have no right touching upon, but the inspiration and the soul and idea that out of your oppression, your darkness, your Judas, you can come into the marvelous light. So it’s about the inspiration and to never give up… We’ve created a new Jerusalem.”

Nice timing for Easter, eh?

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Brian McFadden – a man of no fixed talent – can now count Delta ‘She Had Cancer Dontchaknow?’ Goodrem in the number of women he’s broken the heart of. In that collective, you’ll also find Kerry Katona. He’s got a way with the women hasn’t he?

Of course, the former Westlifer started dating the Australian singer after he split with the former Atomic Kitten and they became engaged in 2007.

Nothing of note happened for a while and then, out of the blue, McFadden released a song that was not only incredible in its awfulness, but seemed to promote date-rape (you can hear it here if you don’t believe us) which was probably the final straw for Goodrem.

A statement from the pair reads:

“Delta Goodrem and Brian McFadden regretfully announce that they are no longer engaged, and after much consideration, have mutually decided to end their relationship.”

Much consideration? Doesn’t that require a brain between them? Hmmm.

“This decision has been made with a lot of soul searching from both parties with the realisation that they have grown apart. They leave the partnership with respect for one and other, wishing each other success and happiness for the future.”

Aw! See that? Respect for one and other.

“Delta and Brian appreciate there will be interest regarding this announcement but request that their time together is respected and they are given privacy during this time of transition.”

There’ll be no more ‘doing some damage’ after he’s seen Delta getting “drunk as shit” anymore for poor ol’ beleaguered Brian who is now preparing for a brief flirtation with fame as he goes and bit nuts and tries shagging everything that moves, because starting the long, slow walk into absolute obscurity.

Brian adds further, via twitter

“I love Delta and always will. She is one of God’s living angels. I thank her for giving me the best years of my life. Please give us time.”

Fine. We promise this is the last time we’ll write about you unless you have a particularly strange death.

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We shared the astonishing new record from Brian McFadden over on our twitter account recently, which was rightly met by our readers with a mixture of horror and delighted bemusement. One word continually cropped up – ‘rape’.

Now, that isn’t a word that people normally associate with pop records (unless you’re talking about ‘Sweat (A La La La Long)’ by Inner Circle which has always sounded suspect to hecklerspray.

However, the former Westlifer and Kerry Katona ex has gone and made a song that sounds like it is almost promoting it. If not that, then it sounds like something that Whoopie Goldberg might call ‘not rape rape’. If you haven’t heard, fret not, we have it to listen to over the jump.

The song itself is a lesson in abject misery. Get a eurodance beat that the Cheeky Girls would deem beneath them and couple it with, get this, a synth banjo and top it all off with a rap and a song about taking advantage of drunk women, and you’ve got a recipe for wanting to lop your ears off.

The lyrics which raise eyebrows the most are:

“I like you just the way you are, drunk as shit dancing at the bar”

“can’t wait to get you home so I can do some damage, can’t wait to get you home and take advantage.”

Amazing eh?

Naturally, Brian is a bit angered by this. That’s because we, as a people, have required him to think about something. As well you know, when you ask a simpleton to consider something, they’re likely to lash out wildly, kicking and doing windmill punches until the original question is all but forgotten.

However, thanks to snides like us, we can keep bringing it up. And so, McFadden went on record to deny that he was promoting the glory of taking liberties with hammered young women.

“I am shocked at these ridiculous accusations about my new song. For the record I wrote the song about how I love it when Delta has a drink – which is very rarely – and she’s dancing.”

Hmm. While that may be the case, you’d think that he wouldn’t want to offer his wife ‘some damage’ when she gets in. That sounds like the promise of brutal, rutting, barnyard sex while Delta Goodrem drunkenly tries to unknot the plastic bag still tied in her hair from having a small puke when she got through the door.

“My new song is a tongue in cheek song about how I find it cute when my girl gets drunk… I am not promoting date-rape.”

What about the rape of our ears Brian? Don’t give two shiny shites about that do you? Still, at least he knows his record is a foetid pile of balls.

“And yes it is dumb lyrics and a dumb beat… that was the point!!!!! When did I ever claim to be John Lennon?”

What? You’re implying that Lennon enjoyed a bit of date rape are you now? Jesus man!

Anyway, if you want a good laugh (the kind of laugh that makes you feel instantly embarrassed and shameful), listen to ‘Just The Way You Are (Drunk At The Bar)’ and see if you can manage to make it through the whole thing without a palpable sense of death.

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Even Michael Jackson haters must be intrigued as to what the recently deceased pop-stars new single was going to sound like. There was a very good chance it wasn’t going to be very good, what with MJ not being around long enough to completely finish it and polish it to an androgynous sheen.

And so, the radio and the internet was treated with newbie, ‘Breaking News’, which will be taken from Michael Jackson’s forthcoming album ‘Michael’ which will be available to buy December 14th on Epic.

But is it any good?

There was a palpable worry that any new material might sound half-baked and under-nourished, for all the world sounding like some bedroom demo. As interesting as these curios are (for example, the demo of ‘Billie Jean’ on the Thriller reissue), they’re never going to trouble a chart.

Worse still, ‘Breaking News’ could’ve sounded like someone else had cobbled it together. Just look at the topplingly average ‘Free As A Bird’ that The Beatles stuck out years ago.

However, and this is rather surprising, ‘Breaking News’ is actually rather fun and (whisper it), quite good.

For too long, Jackson has been keen to have a serious message in his songs, which of course, means that ‘seriousness’ equates to ‘overly long ballad’. Yet, it seems that Jackson should’ve given in to his anger some time ago.

In this new cut, Jackson has an accusatory tone to his voice not seen since ‘Leave Me Alone’. Picking up on that theme, the video for ‘Leave Me Alone’ saw Jackson addressing his media critics over a song that… well… wasn’t about ‘the papers’, but rather, a woman who was bugging him. However, ‘Breaking News’ directly points and angry finger at an artist who feels backed into a corner.

It’s actually refreshing to hear Jackson so nakedly pissed off for once and, you have to wonder if it took his death for someone to force the hand of the situation and actually stick this song out. Perhaps Jackson was just too meek to ever throw this at his detractors while alive?

And apparently, Stateside, there have been complaints that the track isn’t as full and rich as fans would’ve hoped – but the flipside to this is that it’s actually pretty cool to hear Jackson doing his thing – his ‘thing’ incidentally is making pop music rather than being an ambassador for some altruistic motive – without the constant studio meddling that, sure, made some tracks great… but others sound too fussy.

The track starts with a patchwork of faux news reports, before breaking into a jam that is not unlike a Neptunes cut (which prompts the notion of how great a Neptunes/Jackson tag-team would have actually been if Justin Timberlake hadn’t got there first). It’s pretty bare, but to our eyes, that’s a good thing. It’s got that weird digital funk of ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin”, albeit with a bit more swing, rather than a linear synthpop groove.

And what is interesting is how Jackson’s range is a little lower with age – a move that will no doubt see certain quarters debating whether it is Jackson at all. But, assuming it is him, it’s good to see that, when he was still around, he was still capable of making throwaway pop records that don’t concern themselves too much with the world at large. Michael Jackson was always at him best when he sang about himself or nothing at all (‘Billie Jean’, ‘Rock With You’, ‘Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough’).

While it is a bit odd to hear Michael Jackson singing about himself in the third person, it is fun to hear that he was still capable of making pop music for pop music’s sake (the single best reason to make a pop record). He sounds more at ease in the booth and gone is the clawing, dripping with sentimentality singer that many just couldn’t muster up the interest to care about properly. ‘You Are Not Alone’ or ‘Earth Song’ never got played in clubs in favour of ‘Beat It’, did it?

Which leaves hecklerspray with the uncharacteristic feeling of enjoying Michael Jackson’s presence for once. When you hear a track like this, you wonder what he had up his sleeve. Forget all the dubious private life stuff for a second (so we don’t have to point out the many wrong-doings of hundreds of pop-stars you like) and look at this track for what it is.

A catchy-as-mumps pop song that shows what Michael Jackson should have been doing all this time. Have a listen…

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Some of you may have laughed off the imminent New Kids On The Block reunion as a casual threat invented by someone who clearly hates mankind.

But that's where you'd be wrong. The New Kids on The Block reunion is happening. The group couldn't be more serious about it happening. They're so serious that there's a brand new song on the New Kids On The Block website.

And you know what? The new New Kids On The Block song is actually really goo… no, we're just kidding. It's crap.

If any of you see Take That out and about on the street, be sure to poke them in the eye quite hard, won't you. Because ever since Take That reformed to vague success, every bugger's been at it, from the Spice Girls to Indiana Jones to Rambo.

And now New Kids On The Block have reformed as well, all the different reunions have been mashed together in our minds to the point where we have a recurring dream about New Kids On The Block wandering through the Burmese jungle and having their throats torn out by Rambo.

It's not a bad dream, just a recurring one.

Anyway, ever since the various members of New Kids On The Block - Mark Wahlberg's Brother, Jordan Whatshisname, Joey Thing and The Other Two – announced their reunion, it's been impossible to take it seriously, not least because we clearly remember a shambolic, drunk-looking New Kids On The Block in their last throes of fame on Live & Kicking in 1994.

But despite that – and despite a confusing denial of the reunion on New Kid Danny Wood's MySpace page – a brand-new New Kids On The Block song has appeared on the band's website. According to People:

The song (its name isn't revealed) plays over a promotional video for the band that says the Kids once had it all – a $1 billion in album sales, millions of fans, with music that "influenced a generation" – but then "walked away from it all." The video next teases the comeback, asking: "Are you ready?" 

Again, no. We're not ready. We'll have sandpapered off our skin and thrown ourselves into an acid bath before we're ready to watch a gang of men on the cusp of turning 40 dancing around in oversized dungarees singing cack-handed Paula Abdul rip-offs.

But anyway, the new New Kids On The Block song. Word is that all five bandmembers (Newies? Kiddies? Blockies? It's been so long) recorded the song in Florida in November.

We could go on and on about how the untitled New Kids On The Block song sounds like what Simon Cowell would force the winner of X Factor to sing if he wanted to write X Factor off as a bloody great tax loss, but we won't. And that's because you can hear the new New Kids On The Block song by clicking the link below.

Read more:

Exclusive Video - New Kids On The Block