The hype surrounding the new Batman film (Batman 3 or The Dark Knight Rises… it’s up to you what you call it) is getting bigger and bigger, with the entire world stalking its every movement.

Seriously. No other film has been as spied on during the shoot like this one has.

And there’s more of it. And it’s great. How about a giant fight scene, a video of Batman and Bane going at it and a sneak peak of Catwoman on a motorbike? If you’re crying ‘YES PLEASE!’, then get yourself over the jump.

This new footage, spotted all over YouTube, was shot at Wall Street in New York City.

In one video, you can see Batman (Christian Bale) and Bane (Tom Hardy) having a punch-up in the middle of a giganto riot. That’s exciting enough in itself.

In another vid, you can see the sheer size of the production with a huge scrap.

Then, lastly, there’s a video of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman on some monstrous bike, bombing down the road.

It’s all very exciting. Here’s the videos for you to look at. Batman 3 is going to be AMAZING.

Hopefully.

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Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, is probably the most highly anticipated film release floating around the ether at the moment. The superhero genre has been revitalised by the brooding adventures of Bruce Wayne and everyone is intrigued as to how the whole thing will wrap up.

As such, each little morsel and near-set fanvid has been met with many a watering mouth.

And here’s the news: it’s pretty much a certainty that Christopher Nolan’s revamp will be getting shown in six-minute prologues in various cinemas at Christmas time. BUT WHERE? Well…

The Dark Knight Rises is going to play before IMAX showings of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (which is going to be a steaming pile of dreck, no doubt), which is a similar move to when the Joker was revealed to cinema audiences before IMAX screenings of I Am Legend in 2008.

AMC released a statement on their blog (which they’ve since taken down) that read:

“The six-minute Dark Knight Rises prologue footage will only be shown on the higher resolution 70mm IMAX screens. Not the digital IMAX screens. Locations haven’t been confirmed yet, so stay tuned for an update on AMC Theatre locations that will be showing the prologue Dark Knight Rises footage at a 70mm IMAX screen nearest you.”

Of course, this hi-res business means that the clip will show in far fewer cinemas, but it’ll invariably end up online, so you won’t miss out AND you won’t have to watch Mission: Impossible.

Either way, everyone is getting excited about it. And so are we. And we’re cynical about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

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Catwoman, oh Catwoman. Good looking, sexy and kinky in the ’60s and regrettably less-so from the ’90s onward, you are going to return to our pathetic lives in your figure-hugging suit with your wily charms and depraved purring.

But we’re slightly worried. Anne Hathaway is the new Catwoman and we’re not sure we’ve ever seen her in a role that convinces us that she’ll be able to vamp it up enough for Batman 3, or The Dark Knight Rises to give it the proper title.

Does she look the part? Well, there’s some pictures of her on-set with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman. Make your own ‘purr’ jokes like ‘purrfect’, ‘purrlease!’ and such.

Hathaway has bemoaned that her Catwoman jumpsuit is ‘unforgiving’, and in the leaked snaps, it seems she’s been working out incredibly hard to stay in it.

Of course, Anne will be donning the suit next to Christian Bale who once again plays the Bruce Wayne and still completely fails to buy any Lockets for his ravaged voice. Also still bumbling along is Gary Oldman who will once more be playing police chief James Gordon.

Mercifully, Hathaway won’t be trying to do a Yorkshire accent in Dark Knight Rises, which of course, saw the actress roundly hooted at in the film version of One Day.

Anyway, you don’t care about all that just yet because you’re far more interested in seeing a tall, slender woman wearing an impossible outfit so you can either have lusty thoughts or, worse still, judge yourself against it despite the fact it isn’t real life.

Well done you. Here’s the photographs of Anne Hathaway in a Catwoman outfit from Dark Knight Rises.

Images via JustJared, obviously

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Oooh, Batman! You think you’re sooooo cool don’t you? With your Kryptonite and truth lasso. You ain’t all that. You’re just some rich kid with a load of gadgets. You may as well be one of the girls from Something For The Weekend.

If you should end up on SFTW, do us a favour and give Tim Lovejoy a pasting wouldya?

Speaking of gadgets though, last week, we showed you a sneaky peaky of the Batwing that will star in Batman 3/Dark Knight Rises. You couldn’t see much of it and it was a little disappointing. However, for you Batfans, there’s another video which has surfaced which is much more revealing.

One of our readers – they’re called ‘fuel’ – sent us a video of the new Batwing and this time, you can get a really good look at it.

Like all the vehicles from the Batman films (well, from the ’90s onward at least), it’s another hulking great beetle of a thing, all black and looking like a detail from Massive Attack’s ‘Mezzanine’ album.

We still prefer Batman’s car from the ’60s really. It looked like something you’d see in a drag race!

Anyway, there’s still things to be edited out in post-production, there’s no question of that… but if you can use your imagination, here’s a video of the newest Batwing.

Batfans, start masturbating whenever you see fit.

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Emo wet-dream, Batman is coming back to the cinema screens all growly and grunty, in The Dark Knight Rises, complete with hipster approved cast members, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Tom Hardy.

It’s just short of having a chest-tattoo, loafers with no socks on and a one-speed racer.

Speaking of vehicles, Batman 3 with feature the Batwing and, over the jump, we’ve got a video of it which should either disappoint you enormously or, indeed, make you soil yourself with a massive nerdgasm.

Naturally, being stubborn simpletons, we preferred Batman when he was wooden, camp and armed with a utility belt which held the most preposterous items like ‘Shark Repellent Spray’ and such.

However, this massively successful Christopher Nolan remix has proved our opinions to be massively unpopular.

Anyway, some div with a camera was perving around 6th Street Bridge in downtown Los Angeles and spotted the shoot of the new film, with the Batwing bombing around beneath it.

It appears that the vehicle is like a Harrier Jump Jet, able to use boosters to fling itself into the air like some horrible farting robot.

You don’t care about that though. You want a sneaky-peak at anything you can concerning this wretched film… so have it.

Watch your stupid video. See if we care.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger got caught with his pants down. Hardly surprising really seeing as his pants have been down for over a decade after it was discovered that he’d sired some kid with his housekeeper and kept it a massive, stinky secret.

Of course, when his wife found out, she didn’t hesitate in wanting him out of the house and set about divorcing him for lots of money.

While the divorce goes through, you’d think that Arnie would be showing a little humility and remorse. But he isn’t. Instead, as pictures below show, he’s more interested in slagging off Maria Shriver with a t-shirt slogan. That’s nice isn’t it?

Arnie stepped out in a t-shirt that reads:

“I survived Maria”

Survived her by cheating on her it seems. On the back of the grotty article, it read ’2007-2010′, only with the 2007 crossed out and replaced by “1977.”

1977 is not only a terrible album by Ash, but it also marks the year that Arnie started dating Shriver before she became his wife of 25 years.

Next, he’ll be wearing a tee that says “I didn’t use a condom with Mildred “Patty” Baena and all I got was this lousy lovechild’.

Mark our words.

Doesn't he look old?

Weirder still is that Schwarzenegger’s shirt was given to him by his staff from when he was Governor of Cuckooland.

Nice to see that Arnie is taking all this very seriously, especially given that his child is currently fucked after a very serious surfing accident.

Idiot

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Tom Hardy, who stars as baddie Bane in the new Batman flick, has been a little cool on the whole project talking about its likeness to Starbucks and bleating something about ’boutiques’.  However, he seems to be relenting a bit after making an admission about his character.

He recently admitted that he thought his character in The Dark Knight Rises was ‘f*cking cool’.

Hardy also added, with no specific, pin-pointable accent, that Batfans would not be disappointed by the third and final installment of this particular wing of the franchise. And to get you a little more exited, there’s a couple of videos where you can see them in action having a big punch up.

Hardy says:

“All I can say is that Chris (Nolan) has a plan up his sleeve that’s not at all disappointing. And that is a definite choice that’s watertight in every respect”

“I think Bane’s f*cking cool so I’m really excited to play him. It’s not the guy in Joel Schumacher’s film, but it shouldn’t disappoint fanboys.”

We’re sure that Batfans will find something to be disappointed with, whereas us popcorn munchers can thrill at this new breed of socially acceptable action films that have just enough edge to be cool enough to like.

Of course, The Dark Knight Rises will be released July 20, 2012… and here are those videos we promised. There’s shot of Batman on set as well as a gigantic punch-up… we can only imagine what is going on.

There’s not a KAPOW! in sight, sadly.

BATMAN ON SET

BIG FIGHT

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Tom Hardy, a man of no fixed accent, is of course playing a nasty villain called Bane in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Batman circle jerk, The Dark Knight Rises. You’d think he was pretty pleased at this well paying gig, right?

Well, not wholly. See, it seems that Hardy is looking lovingly at some indie roles because working on Batman is like working in a Starbucks.

Is that because of… er… the amount of Americanos working on the film? Is it because the Dark Knight set is… er… well venti-lated. It’s hard making jokes about Starbucks because it’s so cripplingly dull. Anyway, what does Hardy mean?

He says, sounding like every human on Earth simultaneously:

‘These movies are huge vehicles to make a lot of money… and make a large audience happy. So now you’re at the very top level of trying to bring character work in a boutique way to something that is, you know, Starbucks”

Character work in a boutique way? Anyone? Is he talking about the Mad Max film he’s in? Or that Bronson one? We’re completely confused. Confused and tired.

“You deal with something like Dark Knight – or ‘Mad Max,’ or ‘Superman’ or ‘Spider-man,’ whatever – it’s like going to work in an airport and going, ‘Hi I’m over here!’ and then everybody goes ‘Oh here’s that, that’s the villain of the piece.’ Then it’s a thousand people going to Duty-Free. Like, [shouting] ‘I AM THE VILLAIN!’ and make a lot of noise.

“There’s a formula here, you can’t muck around with it. There’s a lot of rules, you’re restrained in many ways as an artist. But then you’re also grateful because of the huge exposure and the paycheck.”

At least he’s being honest about the glee of accepting large amounts of money.

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Rumours of being a little bit gropey, a secret love baby with the house maid, a Republican and a man who didn’t want to give his wife any divorce money. Yep. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a prize bell-end over the years, especially so in recent months.

It’s concerning the divorce pennies that has seen Arnie looking his most callous. Basically, in America, you say sorry with either rehab or money. Seeing as the actor’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t interested in reconciliation, it’s cash she wants. And for him to then go far, far away until he’s just a speck on the horizon.

However, it seems that Arnold may have had a thought that he may actually have something to say sorry for.

After deciding that a perfectly innocent woman didn’t deserve any financial apology, it appears that Schwarzenegger has had a change of heart by amending the divorce filing and withdrawn a request that a judge terminate Maria Shriver’s rights to spousal support.

See! He does have feelings! And there was us thinking that, if you dug through his ribcage, you’d simply find the robot Terminator head in place of a heart.

Basically, he’s realised how enormously wealthy he is and that he’s more than able… and now willing… to pay Shriver’s attorney’s fees and that he’ll probably sort her out with some cash when this is all done so she can look after the kids.

But not the one he had with the maid. He can piss off.

This suddenly human emotion may well have come about after Shriver and Arnie’s 13-year-old son was hospitalized after a rather horrible body-boarding accident which left him with a collapsed lung.

So well done to that clumsy child. Your terrible surfing ability has drawn blood from the stone that lies in place of Arnold’s emotions.

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Caught with his trousers well and truly ’round his ankles, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the doghouse for a while now. After keeping a child of his secret, which he had with the maid, you’d assume that he would re-emerge more graceful and humble.

However, subtlety isn’t one of Arnie’s strong points, as his consistently hilarious acting career has pointed out time and time again.

Of course, The Terminator is going through a rather sticky divorce, and he’s already playing hardball. Basically, he’s decided that he doesn’t want to pay his beleaguered soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, any spousal support. That’s nice of him isn’t, baring in mind that this situation is entirely his fault.

As well as having sex with the maid, Arnie has a bit of a reputation for being a bit ‘handsy’ when it comes to the ladies (he’s rumoured to be something of an ass worshipper, although we can’t confirm if he has a giant pair of golden buttocks as a shrine in his house… but he probably has) so this news wasn’t exactly shocking.

That said, this child, who he kept secret for a decade, hasn’t exactly made a good impression on a world who already thought he had a rather questionable reputation.

It goes without saying that, should Arnold stick his heels in over spousal support, he can expect to be coughing up an extremely large amount of pennies in an out-of-court settlement.

Thoughtfully, some source will eventually come forward and tell us how much money it takes to make Maria Shriver think that Schwarzenegger is sufficiently sorry.

In Hollywood, remorse is measure in dollars.

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Following on from the cultural apocalypse of The Manchester International Festival comes Batman Live; another intellectual tour-de-force which sees everyone’s favourite schizophrenic do battle with a bunch of villains for two-and-a-bit hours at the glamorously named Manchester Evening News Arena.

It’s worth noting, straight-out-the-gate, that this isn’t really a story about The Dark Knight (old Bruce gets all of three words in during the first half) and, if we were being pedantic, Batman Live really should be called Robin & A Bit Of Batman Thrown In To Sell Some T-Shirts.

Really, Batman Live is a story about Robin (arguably the most soporific character since Dr. Snoozy Time – a fictional character created for the sake of this article) and for the majority of the show, we’re treated to the world according to the Boy Wonder; his likes, dislikes, favourite colour and preferential pizza topping. Straight away, It’s frustrating to watch as, mainly, we just want to hang out with Batman, watch him punch people in the jaw and then drive off in the Batmobile to pick up women. Instead, we get Dick Grayson rolling about the stage making enthusiastic ‘gee-whizz’ noises.

Even then, what we do see of The Dark Knight is rather tame. This isn’t the snarling creation of Christoper Nolan and no-one in Batman Live gets dropped from a tall building or bashed in the skull with a Bat Bat. In Batman Live, Bruce Wayne is a bit of a wet fish.

Imagine Michael Keaton as the warm-up act to a promenade Punch and Judy show and you’re halfway there; the first proper fight scene, reminiscent of the scraps in Team America, sees the caped crusader and Catwoman swing around in the air stroking each other’s faces.

It’s frustrating because Batman is such an interesting character and it seems a waste to limit the stage-time of one of the most iconic superheroes in favour of the irritating sidekick.

Despite the most devious roster of antagonists since a Commons Select Committee hearing, our time with The Riddler, Penguin, Two-Face, Poison Ivy and The Scarecrow is limited to three minutes a pop. And it’s a shame, because what we do get is quality meat. There’s a great scene in Arkharm Asylum which sees a 12-foot Scarecrow freak the crap out of Batman, while the chap who plays Penguin has sinister dripping from his oily pores. This isn’t to say that the show’s primary villain, The Joker, isn’t good (in fact, he’s rather decent), but it rather seems a waste to shoehorn these iconic villains into the show for a mere two-minute cameo.

But Batman Live does have its moments. Spectacular moments. Scene changes take place via a comic-book animation on the giant screen behind the stage (basically, it’s geek catnip to those who religiously follow the series) and there are some very nifty special effects; a bazooka blows a hole into a giant balloon shaped like The Joker, while the demise of The Graysons (and their acrobatic antics beforehand) is heart-in-mouth stuff. The appearance of the Batmobile is also a nice moment and watching it drive around stage is always going to be special stuff.

Batman Live is an excellent show, it really is. The stages are great, the fight scenes are choreographed to the second and you can tell a lot of money has been thrown behind the whole thing (it’s touring across the globe over the next five years). It is a solid two-and-a-half hours of silly entertainment and you should all go.

But, it’s not really Batman. Not our Batman, anyway.

As an audience, we’ve grown familiar with tortured, sucks-to-be-me Batman. We expect him to growl, swear and kick people in the face; the re-boot of the film franchise has convinced us that this type of behaviour is how Batman acts. Batman Live has having none of that – it’s an homage to the days of Adam West and George Clooney; where the joker bursts out of a jack-in-the-box and Catwoman uses purring as a type of foreplay. Kerpow! and all that jazz.

And there’s nothing particularly wrong with this sort of Batman (and for a kid’s show it probably couldn’t work any other way). Although, if you’re looking for a good time down the gritty streets of Gotham, you’re likely to be disappointed.

This was a guest review from the formidable Tom Mason who has calves to die for and a face that could arouse Chief Commissioner Gordon.

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In about a year’s time, there’ll be a new Batman film for us all to get thoroughly excited about. Of course, it’ll largely be the same as the previous two Christopher Nolan directed films, with Batman needing a lozenge and Gotham City indulging in a constant, half-lit gloom.

BUT IT WILL BE BRILLIANT YEAH BECAUSE BATMAN IS WELL MOODY INNIT AND BETTER THAN ALL THAT HARRY POTTER RUBBISH, YEAH?

And now, we’ve got the first teaser of The Dark Knight Rises, which will be the final instalment of Nolan’s hoarse trilogy. There’s going to be a lot of explosions and people cooing about how good it would have been if Heath Ledger had lived. Which he didn’t. Because he’s dead like a sucker.

The reel teases you scumbags with the two elements of The Dark Knight Rises.

It kicks off with a voiceover from by Liam ‘Qui Gon Jinn’ Neeson…

“If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, then you become something else entirely. A legend, Mr. Wayne, a legend.”

Then he says ‘Beam me up Scotty’ or something.

Then, Batman’s ol’ buddy ol’ pal, Commissioner Gordon, gets in on the action…

“We were in this together, and then you were gone. And now this evil rises. The Batman has to come back.”

Of course, Tom Hardy is in there with Christian Bale and it is all terrifically dramatic and all that gunk. Looks like Gotham City is going to crumble in some ultradoom apocalyptic thingummy, all backed by the Bat Symbol.

No sign of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard as yet, but there’ll be more teasers released in good time for you saps to jerk one off over.

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While Arnold Schwarzenegger sits in an unlit room, weeping over a photograph of the family he tore to pieces like a baddie in a blockbuster, we’ve all been wondering what the fresh hell Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena has to say about her secret love-child with the former governor of California.

She’s been showing a rare, dignified silence whilst working out who was going to pay her the most money to talk about the time Arnie forgot to pop a condom on.

And now, Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper has decided to speak up about it all, noting that she only told her son who daddy was about a year ago, which is nice isn’t it?

So, Patty Baena has been keeping something of a low profile since a tabloid feeding pool went nutso about Arnie’s infidelity. It seems everyone has had something to say about it while she sat gawping at her son, muttering ‘Jesus. He really does look like him these days. The poor sod.’

All the while, Arnold’s marriage, a quarter of a century long, imploded with his wife Maria Shriver, feeling stupid for ever trusting him in the first place.

In an interview published by Howdy! magazine, Baena said that, when she told him who his real father was, he simply said:

“Cool!”

We assume he then ran to his room, told all his mates from school and then realised that his identity crisis was about to engulf him and tap into great reserves of melancholy, which could easily be fixed by huge sums of money from a certain star of Terminator.

Patty wasn’t actually sure that Arnie was the father, but she started to see a resemblance as Joseph grew older.

“It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he (Arnold) wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

Of course he didn’t. He’s a cowardly piss of a man. Still, at least Maria Shriver was a little stronger. See, Patty says that Maria had her suspicions and decided to ask Baena point-blank. When she heard the truth…

“She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

Well, it is fair to assume that Arnold can take at least half of the blame, unless Baena… y’know? Let’s not go there, right. That’d be a scoop though, eh? Schwarzenegger raped by feeble housekeeper would be an astonishing headline.

Oh well. That’s what we could’ve won.

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Isn’t it funny that actors get so uppity when they’re caught with their pants down? They usually howl that mistresses are telling stories for little more than financial gain. Ironic given that is exactly what actors do for a living. As such, we shouldn’t be surprised when it transpires they’ve been hoodwinking us with a lie.

Of course, this is all revolving around Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wandering member. Make your own Sperminator jokes.

However, because we’re all cooing and hooting at this sorry tale, apparently it makes us all rather racist. Is it because we constantly mention Arnie’s funny talking voice? Nope. It’s because we’re only interested in the story because he had sex with a Hispanic woman.

That’s right folks! You thought you were interested in all this because Arnold had managed to keep a love-child secret for well over a decade, humiliating his wife and making even more of a mockery of his political career as Governor of California. You thought you were showing such interest because he really couldn’t stand the thought of wearing a condom while ravaging his maid.

You’re wrong. Says who?

Says Mildred “Patty” Baena’s 27-year-old daughter, Jackie Rozo, that’s who. And no, before you ask, Arnie isn’t her father. Well, not that we know of yet.

She reckons that Arnie and Patty’s relationship is:

“just a big thing because she’s Hispanic, and he’s a celebrity.”

Really? Have you been sniffing aerosols Jackie? Don’t you understand that this would be an equally big noise if the woman in question was caucasian?

Although, in fairness, the fact that Baena is Hispanic does make for an amusing take on the Arnold catchphrase of “Hasta la vista, baby.” If you didn’t know, that means ‘See you later, baby’, which he truly did… and how!

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is not having a good week. Sure, he’s getting loads of press, but alas, everyone thinks he’s a massive, callous, sneaky, lying weapon… as opposed to a bumbling, funny-talking, lovable weapon.

And now he’s upset a man who can’t speak English properly.

That’s right, the ex-husband of the Mildred Baena, who Arnie successfully impregnated, was under the assumption that he was the father of the child – but now he thinks about it, was surprised it spoke in an Austrian accent and was able to lift up the coffee table with one hand when only 6 weeks old.

Rogelia Baena thought the now 13-year-old boy he raised with Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena was his and he’s even listed as the father on the birth certificate. Having seen Mildred’s face, you can’t blame Rogelia for not suspecting that she might have had sex with the incredibly wealthy Arnie.

He told US show Entertainment Tonight about how angry he felt when he discovered that the boy wasn’t his, but rather, the seed of The Terminator.

Speaking in broken English, he said:

‘No believe.’

Shame on you for tittering at a man who can’t be bothered to learn our stupid, illogical language properly.

Mildred filed for divorce from Rogelia in 2008, who hasn’t seen the boy in a year, but insisted:

‘That is my son.’

He added:

‘Arnold Schwarzenegger is, for me … was my hero. Now, I feel betrayed.’

All this time, it appears that Patty didn’t tell her family who the kid’s real dad was and that they heard about it all when it broke in the news. Oof!

A Pena family source notes that they’re sympathetic with regards to Arnie’s soon-to-be ex, Maria Shriver:

‘Maria would always make sure to help us, even with little things, gifts, Christmas stuff, things like that, and now we end up making her go through this crap because of Patty. It’s not cool.

‘The family is not happy with Patty right now because she never told us or warned us and now we have to deal with all this attention.’

Mercifully, all this horrible trauma will be forgotten by we – the public – in no time at all, meaning we can get on with our lives while everyone involved directly has horrible, gut-wrenching feelings for years to come.

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