Articles tagged with: New Moon
Big, Breaking, Important News: Robert Pattinson Has A Birthday
This is just in, so brace yourselves. Apparently Twilight star Robert Pattinson has a birthday each year. We know, we're shocked ourselves. But let's just steady ourselves and try to work out what this means - it means that Robert Pattinson's age incrementally increases by one year on a set calendar date, which has blown our minds. Still, at least Robert Pattinson didn't celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week. What? Robert Pattinson did celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week? This is all too much news! Fingers crossed somebody bought him a hairbrush, eh?
This is just in, so brace yourselves. Apparently Twilight star Robert Pattinson has a birthday each year. We know, we're shocked ourselves. But let's just steady ourselves and try to work out what this means - it means that Robert Pattinson's age incrementally increases by one year on a set calendar date, which has blown our minds. Still, at least Robert Pattinson didn't celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week. What? Robert Pattinson did celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week? This is all too much news! Fingers crossed somebody bought him a hairbrush, eh?
New Moon Script Found In The Bin For Some Reason
For crying out loud, New Moon. You're making this way too easy for us. A bin? A copy of your script was found in the bin? A bin where you keep rubbish, New Moon? Are you after our jobs or something? Do you think that doing so something so ridiculously beyond parody like actually throwing your own script in the bin where you keep rubbish will somehow make us redundant? Do you? Do you, New Moon? Anyway, a copy of the New Moon script has been found in a bin. A bin where you keep rubbish. Oh, we've already said.
For crying out loud, New Moon. You're making this way too easy for us. A bin? A copy of your script was found in the bin? A bin where you keep rubbish, New Moon? Are you after our jobs or something? Do you think that doing so something so ridiculously beyond parody like actually throwing your own script in the bin where you keep rubbish will somehow make us redundant? Do you? Do you, New Moon? Anyway, a copy of the New Moon script has been found in a bin. A bin where you keep rubbish. Oh, we've already said.
Girls, Robert Pattinson Only Acts For You (Unless You’re Ugly)
To Robert Pattinson, acting is an art - a perfect form of expression that he only does to nourish his soul. That's a lie. In fact there are many reasons why Robert Pattinson is an actor - it's one of the only professions where putrid body odour or that haircut aren't instantly-sackable offences, for instance. And also, as he recently revealed, Robert Pattinson only became an actor because he'd meet pretty girls. But his plan has backfired horribly. Ever since he starred in Twilight, all the girls he's met have been 14 years old, hysterical and medically incontinent. Tough break, Rob. Tough break.
To Robert Pattinson, acting is an art - a perfect form of expression that he only does to nourish his soul. That's a lie. In fact there are many reasons why Robert Pattinson is an actor - it's one of the only professions where putrid body odour or that haircut aren't instantly-sackable offences, for instance. And also, as he recently revealed, Robert Pattinson only became an actor because he'd meet pretty girls. But his plan has backfired horribly. Ever since he starred in Twilight, all the girls he's met have been 14 years old, hysterical and medically incontinent. Tough break, Rob. Tough break.
New Moon Wolf Pack: Twilight Gets Homoerotic
Hear that distant rumbling sound? That's the sound of a fast-approaching tidalwave of teenage urine. To the trees! But what's caused all this epic adolescent incontinence? Why the picture to your right, of course. It's the New Moon Wolf Pack. Now, we're not sure what the New Moon Wolf Pack actually do, but we suspect they're either the shadowy band of brothers who protect Bella from vampires in the book and film of the same name, or the public faces of a new unauthorised Twilight late night premium rate gay chatline. Oh, who are we kidding? It's definitely the latter.
Hear that distant rumbling sound? That's the sound of a fast-approaching tidalwave of teenage urine. To the trees! But what's caused all this epic adolescent incontinence? Why the picture to your right, of course. It's the New Moon Wolf Pack. Now, we're not sure what the New Moon Wolf Pack actually do, but we suspect they're either the shadowy band of brothers who protect Bella from vampires in the book and film of the same name, or the public faces of a new unauthorised Twilight late night premium rate gay chatline. Oh, who are we kidding? It's definitely the latter.
All Of New Moon Fight Over Robert Pattinson’s Pants
Robert Pattinson is caught in a love triangle - and by 'love triangle' we aren't referring to his weird pointy face. No, we're talking about his New Moon castmates. Apparently, Robert Pattinson's ridiculous hair, odd smell and total lack of charisma have driven a wedge between Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed, who are competing for his attention. It looks like Robert Pattinson is caught in your classic love triangle. Or love rhombus if you count Robert Pattinson's self-infatuation. Or several love enneakaidecagons if you count all the involuntarily-urinating teenage girls who'd cut their arms off if Robert Pattinson even noticed them.
Robert Pattinson is caught in a love triangle - and by 'love triangle' we aren't referring to his weird pointy face. No, we're talking about his New Moon castmates. Apparently, Robert Pattinson's ridiculous hair, odd smell and total lack of charisma have driven a wedge between Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed, who are competing for his attention. It looks like Robert Pattinson is caught in your classic love triangle. Or love rhombus if you count Robert Pattinson's self-infatuation. Or several love enneakaidecagons if you count all the involuntarily-urinating teenage girls who'd cut their arms off if Robert Pattinson even noticed them.
Robert Pattinson Wants You All To Know That He Doesn’t Stink
Believe what you read and you'll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp's dirty rectum - fact. And that's made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows, the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he's actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually. So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn't stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.
Believe what you read and you'll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp's dirty rectum - fact. And that's made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows, the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he's actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually. So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn't stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.
Robert Pattinson Is A Big Stinky Bum Boo Boo, Apparently
Robert Pattinson's hair is one of the great mysteries of the age - how does he get it so unkempt and dirty-looking? Mystery solved. If you want your hair to look as bedraggled as Robert Pattinson's, the secret formula is dirt. And encrusted sweat. And probably bloody fleas or something. The point is, Robert Pattinson never washes and smells like death. That's not idle slander - a source from the New Moon set said so. Robert Pattinson stinks like a diarrhetic tramp in a house of animal corpses, and he still gets more girls than you. How rubbish does that make you?
Robert Pattinson's hair is one of the great mysteries of the age - how does he get it so unkempt and dirty-looking? Mystery solved. If you want your hair to look as bedraggled as Robert Pattinson's, the secret formula is dirt. And encrusted sweat. And probably bloody fleas or something. The point is, Robert Pattinson never washes and smells like death. That's not idle slander - a source from the New Moon set said so. Robert Pattinson stinks like a diarrhetic tramp in a house of animal corpses, and he still gets more girls than you. How rubbish does that make you?
Sorry Tweens, Dakota Fanning Is In New Moon And You’re Not
If you're a 14-year-old girl with an unhealthy crush on Robert Pattinson, we have two pieces of news for you. One: don't worry, you'll grow out of it soon. Two: you should probably start practising how to make your eyes all big and haunted, because mimicking Dakota Fanning has just become your best shot at sneaking onto the New Moon set to launch yourself at Robert Pattinson and tear at his face and scream and cry. That's because Dakota Fanning has become a New Moon castmember, ending months of... no, not speculation. What's the word? Teenage incontinence? Yes, that's it.
If you're a 14-year-old girl with an unhealthy crush on Robert Pattinson, we have two pieces of news for you. One: don't worry, you'll grow out of it soon. Two: you should probably start practising how to make your eyes all big and haunted, because mimicking Dakota Fanning has just become your best shot at sneaking onto the New Moon set to launch yourself at Robert Pattinson and tear at his face and scream and cry. That's because Dakota Fanning has become a New Moon castmember, ending months of... no, not speculation. What's the word? Teenage incontinence? Yes, that's it.
