Posts tagged as:

New Moon

Girls, Robert Pattinson Only Acts For You (Unless You’re Ugly)

by Stuart Heritage

To Robert Pattinson, acting is an art – a perfect form of expression that he only does to nourish his soul.

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New Moon Wolf Pack: Twilight Gets Homoerotic

by Stuart Heritage

Hear that distant rumbling sound? That’s the sound of a fast-approaching tidalwave of teenage urine. To the trees!

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All Of New Moon Fight Over Robert Pattinson’s Pants

by Stuart Heritage

Robert Pattinson is caught in a love triangle – and by ‘love triangle’ we aren’t referring to his weird pointy face.

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Robert Pattinson Wants You All To Know That He Doesn’t Stink

by Stuart Heritage

Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp’s dirty rectum – fact.

And that’s made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows, the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he’s actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually.

So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn’t stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.

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Robert Pattinson Is A Big Stinky Bum Boo Boo, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Robert Pattinson’s hair is one of the great mysteries of the age – how does he get it so unkempt and dirty-looking?

Mystery solved. If you want your hair to look as bedraggled as Robert Pattinson’s, the secret formula is dirt. And encrusted sweat. And probably bloody fleas or something. The point is, Robert Pattinson never washes and smells like death.

That’s not idle slander – a source from the New Moon set said so. Robert Pattinson stinks like a diarrhetic tramp in a house of animal corpses, and he still gets more girls than you. How rubbish does that make you?

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Sorry Tweens, Dakota Fanning Is In New Moon And You’re Not

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a 14-year-old girl with an unhealthy crush on Robert Pattinson, we have two pieces of news for you.

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Dakota Fanning To Make Twilight 2 Genuinely Creepy?

by Stuart Heritage

As popular as Twilight was, it didn’t really fill anyone’s quotient of spooked-out kids who put the willies up everyone.

Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn’t have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn’t matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she’s exactly that.

According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who ‘creates illusions of pain’. We’ve seen Hide And Seek, so we know she’s great at that already.

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Hooray! Taylor Lautner Stays As New Moon’s Weedy Werewolf!

by Stuart Heritage

Irrational teenage girls, here’s a lesson – you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness.

It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor’s female teenage fanbase has kept him the job.

True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don’t pretend you’ll notice the difference.

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