Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.
Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.
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Hear that? That’s the sound of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s grim acceptance that they’ll never be free from this thing.
Never. Never ever. Every time they think they can see end to this Twilight nonsense, the goalposts get moved. Maybe the first Twilight film would be a flop and that’d be the end of it, they thought. But it wasn’t. Maybe Breaking Dawn will turn out to be unfilmable so there’d only be three Twilight films instead of four, they thought. But not only is Breaking Dawn filmable, it’s being divided into two separate movies. They can’t win.
But, hey, at least Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can reassure themselves with the fact that there’ll be five Twilight films tops, right? Nope – Stephenie Meyer has just written another Twilight book. We don’t know who’s more depressed, us or them. What’s that? It’s us? By a fairly considerable margin? Oh.
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Firstly, an apology for that headline. ‘Hops’. Honestly, that was lazy of us. But at least we didn’t go for ‘leapfrogs’.
It was a close-run thing. But anyway, this isn’t news – the news is that The Princess And The Frog is the number one movie at the weekend box office. It’s an important film, too, because every cell was hand-drawn by Walt Disney himself, using the very same felt-tip pen that once wrote the Magna Carta. Or something. We weren’t really paying attention. Still, it’s an important film, OK?
That said, we still don’t know what The Princess And The Frog is about. We have a feeling it’s about a duchess and a zebra, but don’t quote us on that.
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Here’s a surprise – New Moon might have the teenage girls spraying urine everywhere, but it’s not the most popular film around.
No, that’d be The Blind Side. Released on the same day as New Moon, The Blind Side looked doomed to play perpetual bridesmaid to New Moon, but now the unthinkable has happened – thanks to strong word of mouth, The Blind Side has now overtaken New Moon to reach the top of the weekend box office. It just goes to show that you need hundreds of pasty boy-nipples to make an enduring, well-loved movie.
From this you might have got the impression that The Blind Side is some kind of masterpiece. It isn’t – it looks rubbish.
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Films like New Moon only come along once in a while – or as fast as Summit Entertainment can pump them out.
One or the other. But anyway, it doesn’t really matter, because New Moon is enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office. And why shouldn’t it? After all, New Moon has got something for everyone – 14-year-old girls, 14-and-a-half-year-old girls, 14-and-three-quarters-year-old girls, everyone. It’s catch-all entertainment. Provided you’re a girl, around the age of 14 and a little bit slow.
And if you think New Moon is popular, just wait for the Twilight film where Edward chews through Bella‘s uterus. Wow!
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Robert Pattinson likes to succeed at everything he does, whether it’s acting or smelling like stale farts.
Or having stupid hair. Robert Pattinson excels at that. However, there’s one area of Robert Pattinson’s life that remains unfulfilled – his music. Sure, a song of his was included on the Twilight soundtrack, but that’s no mark of success – the soundtrack also included Linkin Park and two Paramore songs, so anyone who actually bought it deserves to have their brain kicked off.
So Robert Pattinson has devised a plan. He wants to release an album under an assumed name so it can stand on its own merits. Just one problem – that assumed name is going to be Edward Cullen (You Know, Off Twilight. The Handsome One. The Sparkly Vampire. Please Love Me). Probably.
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Now that New Moon is an unqualified success, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart carry on doing what they love best.
And that’s schlepping around together looking genuinely miserable. This time, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen together in New York, eating food and being outside and stuff. Oh, and possibly getting their bodyguards to stand in the way while they have a quick kiss.
So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart finally an item? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe the answer is no. Maybe we’ll never find out for sure. And maybe one day we’ll get bored and stop asking. PS: that last one is patently never going to happen.
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Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.
Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.
What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!
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