New Moon - HecklerSpray

Twilight Hand Model Wants Her Chance To Shine

October 5th, 2010 By Kris Silver

Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we're sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it's time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it's her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Stephenie Meyer Writes New Twilight Book Because She Hates You

March 31st, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Hear that? That’s the sound of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s grim acceptance that they’ll never be free from this thing.

Never. Never ever. Every time they think they can see end to this Twilight nonsense, the goalposts get moved. Maybe the first Twilight film would be a flop and that’d be the end of it, they thought. But it wasn’t. Maybe Breaking Dawn will turn out to be unfilmable so there’d only be three Twilight films instead of four, they thought. But not only is Breaking Dawn filmable, it’s being divided into two separate movies. They can’t win.

But, hey, at least Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can reassure themselves with the fact that there’ll be five Twilight films tops, right? Nope – Stephenie Meyer has just written another Twilight book. We don’t know who’s more depressed, us or them. What’s that? It’s us? By a fairly considerable margin? Oh.

The Princess And The Frog Hops To Top Of Weekend Box Office

December 13th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Firstly, an apology for that headline. ‘Hops’. Honestly, that was lazy of us. But at least we didn’t go for ‘leapfrogs’.

It was a close-run thing. But anyway, this isn’t news – the news is that The Princess And The Frog is the number one movie at the weekend box office. It’s an important film, too, because every cell was hand-drawn by Walt Disney himself, using the very same felt-tip pen that once wrote the Magna Carta. Or something. We weren’t really paying attention. Still, it’s an important film, OK?

That said, we still don’t know what The Princess And The Frog is about. We have a feeling it’s about a duchess and a zebra, but don’t quote us on that.

Weekend Box Office: The Blind Side Outdoes The Sparkle-Fairies

December 6th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Here’s a surprise – New Moon might have the teenage girls spraying urine everywhere, but it’s not the most popular film around.

No, that’d be The Blind Side. Released on the same day as New Moon, The Blind Side looked doomed to play perpetual bridesmaid to New Moon, but now the unthinkable has happened – thanks to strong word of mouth, The Blind Side has now overtaken New Moon to reach the top of the weekend box office. It just goes to show that you need hundreds of pasty boy-nipples to make an enduring, well-loved movie.

From this you might have got the impression that The Blind Side is some kind of masterpiece. It isn’t – it looks rubbish.

Weekend Box Office: New Moon’s Still Number One, Then

November 29th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Films like New Moon only come along once in a while – or as fast as Summit Entertainment can pump them out.

One or the other. But anyway, it doesn’t really matter, because New Moon is enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office. And why shouldn’t it? After all, New Moon has got something for everyone – 14-year-old girls, 14-and-a-half-year-old girls, 14-and-three-quarters-year-old girls, everyone. It’s catch-all entertainment. Provided you’re a girl, around the age of 14 and a little bit slow.

And if you think New Moon is popular, just wait for the Twilight film where Edward chews through Bella‘s uterus. Wow!

Robert Pattinson Wants To Release A Smelly Smelly Album

November 27th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Robert Pattinson likes to succeed at everything he does, whether it’s acting or smelling like stale farts.

Or having stupid hair. Robert Pattinson excels at that. However, there’s one area of Robert Pattinson’s life that remains unfulfilled – his music. Sure, a song of his was included on the Twilight soundtrack, but that’s no mark of success – the soundtrack also included Linkin Park and two Paramore songs, so anyone who actually bought it deserves to have their brain kicked off.

So Robert Pattinson has devised a plan. He wants to release an album under an assumed name so it can stand on its own merits. Just one problem – that assumed name is going to be Edward Cullen (You Know, Off Twilight. The Handsome One. The Sparkly Vampire. Please Love Me). Probably.

SHOCK! Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart Go To Some Places Together

November 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that New Moon is an unqualified success, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart carry on doing what they love best.

And that’s schlepping around together looking genuinely miserable. This time, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen together in New York, eating food and being outside and stuff. Oh, and possibly getting their bodyguards to stand in the way while they have a quick kiss.

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart finally an item? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe the answer is no. Maybe we’ll never find out for sure. And maybe one day we’ll get bored and stop asking. PS: that last one is patently never going to happen.

New Moon, Whatever That Is, Tops Weekend Box Office

November 22nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

New Moon: Miley Cyrus Really Doesn’t Like Twilight, OK? Jeez

November 18th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Things that Miley Cyrus doesn’t like: Twilight. There must be other things too – like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper’s vagina, probably – but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn’t like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn’t like Twilight and now it’s news. Because that’s how news works.

In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn’t even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.

New Moon Premiere: Taylor Lautner Wears A Shirt For Once

November 17th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What’s it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously.

But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch – nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they’ve downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too.

Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don’t have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all’s not lost – we’ve got the next best thing.