Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick, The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.
The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.
So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).
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Hey! The Devil seems okay doesn’t he? Sure, some of his followers are a bit mental and go around killing people in his name and indulge in strange practises while praising him… just like Roman Catholics without the whole ‘child buggering’ thing.
Anyway, Reese Witherspoon has signed on to star in Devil’s Knot. That’s a forthcoming drama about the funny feeling Satan gets in his stomach when he sees a girl he fancies.
Actually, it isn’t. It’s much darker than that. In fact, it’s about murder and the only thing more sickened and twisted than the goat boy himself… THE AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEM.
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For fans of slapstick comedy (hi there!) the old Three Stooges films were pretty much perfect. They were also terrifyingly violent, which of course, made them even more amusing! So what could possibly go wrong?
Well, how about the Farrelly brothers bringing it back and making a joyless modern adaptation?
Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro and Jim Carrey were lined up to play Larry, Moe and Curly and, wisely, they ran a million miles away from this obviously dreadful idea. Wanna see the trailer so you know how woeful it is?
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Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.
Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.
And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!
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Ever woke up in the morning and thought to yourself “Hey! You know what I’d like to see today? A fat Northerner stapling someone’s mouth to an anus while jerking himself off with sandpaper!” Have you?
Then chances are, you’re Tom Six, the director of The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), and barely anyone else.
See, the film has taken a hilarious £942 at the box office after opening in the UK last weekend. Basically, no-one wants to see it AND pay for it. We suspect that it has been streamed and downloaded online (uncut) more times than anyone settling down in a cheese smelling cinema has.
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Many saw the funny side of Patrick Swayze’s death because he played a ghost in a film. Those same people probably didn’t care much for Dirty Dancing, so thought they’d troll everyone who looked upset.
Much like those hooting at those wailing over pictures of Colonel Gaddafi at the moment. Basically, death brings out the comedian in everyone. LONG LIVE GALLOWS HUMOUR!
With that, have you seen Lisa Niemi? She’s Swayze’s widow. Grief can do weird things to a person and she’s been photographed doing something rather unsettling with a Patrick Swayze dummy.
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It’s time for the release of Human Centipede 2! Hurray! How we love a romantic comedy about a crazy copycat torturer and self-pleasuring yourself with stuff purloined from the tool box while being shouted at by your mum!
Is Hugh Grant in it?
Anyway, as the film is getting shown (States only thus far, but Limey won’t have long to wait, don’t fret) and such, so we thought we’d give you some teasers in the shape of some stills from the film (they’re very pleasant) and the promotional poster (tastefully minging) for you to gawp at. Ready?
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Hey divs! Great news! The romantic comedy, The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence, has been given a British Board of Film Classification today! How amazing is that? That means… well… you’ll illegally download it anyway as you’ll want to see all the nasty (funny) bits they hacked out.
Tom Six’s film – which to be perfectly honest, looks hilarious. A horror film set in the North of England with lousy acting? SIGN US UP! – has been given an 18 certificate, which means it can now be legally sold in the UK.
Of course, the BBFC had previously rejected the film, stating: “it is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.’ The BBFC also considered that The Human Centipede 2 may have even been in breach of the Obscene Publications Act or similar legislation.”
Yeah, right.
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