Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.
To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.
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Remember Suede? That’s right. They were a vaguely noisy band with an obsession with Bowie and women’s blouses. They were at the forefront of Britpop and, for the most part, Britpop was rubbish. So thanks for that.
Apparently, they’ll be making a comeback. Just great.
Of course, there’s a plethora of middle-aged men with pink faces who are just as thrilled as their velvet blazer wearing girlfriends who will be pleased about the return of one of the most average bands in existence! Dust down your Doc Martens now! Start brushing off your best Indie Nightclubs Of The 90s anecdotes now!
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Hey! America! You know that song you have that goes “Oh say can you see? By the dawn’s early light! Da-da-dum, dee-dee-dee, the actor called Rocket Redglare’s arse glows!” or whatever it is? Well, once again, it will be sung at a major sporting event where you don’t compete against anyone else in the world!
And who might be fluffing the lyrics to it at Super Bowl XLVI?!
Why, it’s the regrettably nice Kelly Clarkson who is very, very difficult to hate – unless you listen to her music.
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Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.
She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.
And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.
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Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.
Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.
See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!
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Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.
Bad news for you guys.
See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.
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Hey! Celebrities! What are you giving us plebs for Christmas? No. We don’t want individual gifts from you. That would be stupid. We want something though because, if you didn’t know, Lady GaGa has got us all something.
Yeah. You heard, you tight-fisted, mean-spirited scrooges. You have all that money and time, and what? You’re doing nothing? You know that niggling doubt in your mind? That one that tell you everyone hates you? That one that says you’re transparent and talentless? We know. We’re holding it against you from now.
And all because Lady GaGa could be BOTHERED to get everyone a present while you sat there lording it up like you mean something to someone. What? What’s she getting us? Well…
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Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.
But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.
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