Articles tagged with: New
If you're a fan of smug, unfunny comedy but you go to bed quite early, Jay Leno's new 10pm NBC show must feel like a godsend. A whole hour of Jay Leno telling reheated 12-year-old Bill Clinton jokes at a time that even allows the elderly to be somewhat nonplussed by it? Brilliant! But what's the show going to be like? Well, according to Jay Leno himself, it'll be just like his old show but with more 'stunts'. And stunt number one? Seeing how quickly he can send Conan O'Brien into the depths of gibbering impotent psychosis. We imagine.
In May, Jay Leno was due to retire from TV and spend his days droning witlessly about cars and getting chin massages. But that was never actually going to be the case. There's such a dearth of middle-aged male millionaires who aren't as funny as they think they are on TV right now that Jay Leno was never going to stay retired for long. And now we know what Jay Leno's next show will be - it's his old show, basically - on the same network, in the same studio and broadcast 90 minutes earlier so even more people can get contaminated by watch it.
As a female rapper, it's Lil' Kim's civic duty to get in as much trouble as humanly possibly, but we don't get the feeling she's hungry for it any more. Back in the old days Lil' Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she's a little bit older, Lil' Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil' Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she's been paid to make. As such, Lil' Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it's actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined - there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil' Kim album. We're scared. Hold us.
As evidenced by her nanosecond appearance at the MTV VMAs recently, Britney Spears is back to her best, and that can only mean one thing. Yes, that's right - Britney Spears has got a new album coming out soon. According to a just-released missive from her record label, Britney Spears' new album is to be called Circus and will be released on December 2, with a new single entitled Womanizer coming out next week. It's exciting stuff, but why has Britney Spears chosen to call her new album Circus? Well it's easy - Britney Spears wanted to name her album after the best description for the inside of her own head. Other contenders for the album title were Swirling Kaleidoscope Of Terrifying Cackles, The Theme-Tune To Taxi On An Unrelenting Loop and Barely-Pulsating Gloop.
Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms - they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners. Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer's son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right? Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer's son said so.
Making an entire music album seems like it’d be pretty tough. Not only do you have to make sure the drums are synchronised just right with the rhythm guitar, but you have to keep firing your entire band every time one of them plays a note that will make your brand-new 14-year-old album less than classic. Also, you can get vital nutrient-sucking worms if you decide to record in South America. Axl Rose is all too aware of this – that’s why his album still isn’t coming out. A new song is though – on a video game. The good news is it’s new GNR, the bad news is the only way you’ll be able to actually hear it is when your dad fancies himself a frontman whenever his brother comes over. Excruciating.
Lindsay Lohan wants to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album.
Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:
"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."
Madonna - centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is - has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?
Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we've been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she'll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile's balls off.
What's that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we're completely wrong - Madonna's new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.
