There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask.

The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber’s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, “I Want Candy,” and, “Crazy Little Party Girl.”

Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson.

THAT’S RIGHT! Despite being dead for over 2 years, it’s time for yet another instalment of, ‘What inappropriate thing has Wacko Jacko done now?’

According to poor, sweet little Aaron (now 23 and somewhat less cute than he once was), during his early teenage years he spent a lot of time hanging out with The King of Pop, which would be a dream come true for any impressionable young singer.

It was during his time spent with Jackson that Carter claims that Jacko brought out the Jesus Juice and proceeded to ply the underage pop sensation with wine and cocaine.

Now why would a fully-grown man need to give an unsupervised minor entrusted into his care intoxicating substances? No, seriously… if anyone could tell us that would be great, the only things we can think of would result in our, rather overworked, lawyer having a heart attack if we published them.

Carter was quoted as saying:

“I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me.”

Which sounds downright sinister to us. His mum even had to call the police in when she found out what Jackson had been doing to her poor sweet little boy.

For now, let’s just take some time to remember Aaron in his more innocent days:

If only it was just Candy that wanted you, eh Aaron?

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What’s the first thing that springs to mind if I mentioned ‘Public Parks’? If you answered ‘paedophiles’, then it looks like you’re in agreement with the California State Legislature. And you’re also a bit of a weirdo – take a couple of steps back.

Michael Jackson’s legacy will never die. No, it’s not because of his music, or because of his groundbreaking music videos, or his strange melty-face, or his weird white sparkly wanking glove that he wore out in public. No, if one Californian Assemblyman gets his way, his whole 2,500 acre Neverland ranch could be made into a giant public park. Which would make it possibly the only public park in the world that comes complete with its own giraffe enclosure, amusement park, ‘numerous statues of children’ (according to Wikipedia that is), floral clock and a gruesomely off-putting sense of lingering improper conduct. Hurrah!

If this comes to pass, it’ll surely be the foremost ‘creepy shrine to a dead celebrity that people with more money than sense will come to gawp at and attempt to shovel as much of the hallowed dirt into their jacket pockets as they can in the mistaken belief that MJ might have placed his foot there once because they’re too dumb to have heard about topsoil erosion’ tourist attraction in the world. After Graceland that is. They spend millions on bags of soil down the local B&Q they do. The Telegraph explains:

Assemblyman Mike Davis said that the California Department of Parks and Recreation should take over the ranch in Santa Barbara County. The Los Angeles legislator said fans from around the world would visit Jacksons former estate. The success of the proposal is uncertain in a state where the budget deficit stands at $19 billion

Yeah, just as soon as they can find the funds to beat their $19 Billion deficit, surely buying the ranch of a dead popstar is by far the most important thing that the state can do.

Massive waste of money aside though, It’ll certainly beat that Japanese room stuffed with Jackson’s old tat into a cocked hat (apart from that old cocked hat they have of his, obviously) and render that replica themepark of Neverland in Indiana entirely pointless.

Unless, that is, the replica park was forward thinking enough to buy all the crap that was auctioned off before, after and probably while he was being pumped full of drugs by Dr Conrad Murray – or was stuffing handfuls of delicious drugs into his interestingly misaligned jaw depending on who you believe.

If that’s the case, then it’d mean that the copy would have all the interesting bits, like the zoo, amusement park, railway, and probably the floral clock and the statues of children as well. In any case, given that all the good bits have been uprooted, essentially that’d just leaves the original as an overly expensive state park with just an authentic lingering sense of improper conduct. Perfect.

So it’s just going to be another place that creepy weirdos could go and malinger in. Just like any other public park then. Fantastic.

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We really admire the Jackson estate. Honestly, when you look at how it’s dealt with the death of their beloved Michael Jackson it couldn’t have done a better job.

Since his death in June, all sorts of wacko things have been continuing to happen to Michael Jackson. He saw a surge of popularity as people purchased his back catalogue, even the rubbish Invincible album. In true form, he didn’t get laid to rest in a normal ceremony. Instead we got a comedy televised memorial as he lay in tacky gold coffin.

So what’s next on the path to forcing the memory of Michael Jackson upon us all? Something that we know he loved, a theme park. Just perfect for children.

At the best of times, going to a theme park isn’t the most enjoyable thing in a world. After setting off stupidly early to get a parking spot, the entire day is usually spent resisting the urge to smack small annoying children and waiting in queues. For all it’s worth, a fifty-minute wait in line for The Drop Of Death doesn’t add up when the ride is over within three minutes. But it’s OK; you can compensate that letdown by paying £3 for a can of coke. Value at its best.

Sadly, we don’t know if Walt Disney and Michael Jackson will be doing battle in heaven. As we all know, Disneyland is the place to go when you want to go on strange and surreal rides and get cuddles off giant mice and dogs. As no rides have announced for the proposed Neverland theme park, we’d like to offer a few suggestions that fit in around the life and styles of Michael Jackson.

Bashir Bashing – As we all know, Martin Bashir is the loveable journalist who exposed Michael Jackson as a creepy man who likes to climb trees and spend time with children. Subsequently, Michael’s credibility dipped a little bit when the documentary was broadcast. Why not vent your frustration by whacking a vinyl Bashir with a comedy mallet?

Virtual Reality Court Day – After donning your helmet you can experience all the thrills of denying child molestation charges!

Bubble’s Poo Throw Adventure – Despite being a loveable pet for Michael, there’s no doubt that his cuddly pet did a few toilets on the floor and proceeded to throw them around. Enjoy the feeling Michael had by avoiding five minutes in a room with a man spraying liquid shit at you.

Though our suggestions may not come true, The Mirror reports on a few things that could happen. Even if there boring and are in every other theme park in the world:

The attraction is set to be created in his native Gary in Indiana, complete with a replica of his controversial Neverland Ranch. Developers are planning to cash in on the King of Pop’s legacy by including a golf course, museum, 300-room hotel and a performing arts centre.

A Michael Jackson golf course is a total disgrace in our opinion. Everyone knows that after all his surgery and pain killers, his arm would snap off if he attempted to swing a golf club. Some people just have no taste and should learn to respect the dead.

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As the world comes to terms with the sudden death of one of its most enduring icons, we all naturally begin to question what justice there is in the universe.

Really, how could any God with an ounce of compassion take Billy Mays and his fearsomely black beard, yet leave prostitute-slapping Vince Shlomi free to roam the earth with his boggly eyes and six-inch high hair? Damn you, God. Damn you to… well, one of the least good parts of Heaven, we guess.

Also, as you may have heard, Michael Jackson died last week. After the jump: fake autopsy results and Fox‘s ill-advised tribute. And some Billy.

It always seemed unlikely that Michael Jackson would die in any less spectacular of a manner than he lived. Which is to say, we fully expected him to one day be gored to death by a rampaging herd of rainbow-coloured unicorns being ridden by Japanese dwarf warriors carrying icicle swords.

Sadly, though, like Elvis and Sigmund Freud before him, Jackson last week succumbed to what is widely presumed to have been a boring old prescription drug overdose. Well, that or the unicorns. Let’s ask The Sun which it was:

“The horrifying state of pop superstar Michael Jackson in his final days can be revealed today. Harrowing leaked autopsy details show the singer was a virtual skeleton — barely eating and with only pills in his stomach at the time he died. His hips, thighs and shoulders were riddled with needle wounds — believed to be the result of injections of narcotic painkillers, given three times a day for years. And a mass of surgery scars were thought to be the legacy of at least 13 cosmetic operations.”

So there you have it. Undeniably the actual autopsy results, for who else but a trained medical examiner would have known that Michael Jackson was an extremely thin bloke with a drug problem who had undergone several cosmetic surgery operations.

But wait: the LA Times thinks it may have cast doubt on The Sun‘s report by actually asking the actual man who actually conducted the actual autopsy:

“Assistant chief coroner Ed Winter said The Sun’s details did not come from either the private or the county autopsy. ‘I don’t know where that information came from, or who that information came from. It is not accurate. Some of it is totally false,’ said coroner’s spokesman Craig Harvey.”

Oh, The Sun. How you amuse us with your fabricated stories about dead people. LOL!

Elsewhere, America’s Fox channel went with a rather more restrained attempt at cashing in on the dirty old bugger’s death. Last night, they re-ran the Michael Jackson-themed episode from this year’s American Idol. Honest.

Yes, just 24 hours after Black Entertainment Television‘s awards ceremony gave us a moving performance of I’ll Be There by Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo, Fox decided that the international megastar’s 30-year career was best marked by Danny Gokey flailing around to Pretty Young Thing like a puppet being operated by a detoxing alcoholic.

Note to Fox executives: in our local pub, Fat Mick has promised that next Wednesday he’ll turn up in a glittery suit and sing Billie Jean while moonwalking through the snug. If you can’t get a crew there in time, let us know and we’ll send you the video from our mobile phone.

Finally, in these times of Jackson madness, it pays to mark the death of a true genius. Professor Sir Billy Mays, you are gone but not forgotten. Mostly because of the chronic ear damage you have inflicted upon millions. May the Gods bless you, your family, and your hilariously charcoal beard.

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Until now if you were staring from the inside out through the mighty gates of the Neverland Ranch, it was with big sad eyes and your pants on backwards.

That changes now. That’s because several things found in and around the house by Michael Jackson himself are about to go up for auction – including those gates. That means if you win the bid and then do the dishes that night, your mom might let you somehow attach them to your bedroom doorway. Wouldn’t that just impress the ladies?

Michael Jackson has a lot going on these days. He owes the Iron Sheikh a whole bunch of money or something, the AARP is probably on him to publicly apply for membership, and several of his former pet camels say they haven’t been brushed since the King of Pop moved to Bahrain.

When people and camels are after you like that it can get expensive, and that’s bad news when you’ve apparently been circling the drain of bankruptcy as long as Jackson has. Really, in the interest of raising money fast, Mikey’s only got three options. He could release another album that will only sell in Italy, he could keep owning half of The Beatles and hope they do another Anthology type thing, or he could auction off a whole bunch of his old sticky stuff. Except his underpants. Those are already long gone.

That last one is what he’s doing. Yup. According to Reuters:

“The gates of Michael Jackson’s famed Neverland Ranch and one of the white gloves first unveiled in his 1983 “Billie Jean” video are going up for auction in a 2,000-item sale organized by the self-styled King of Pop. Auctioneer Darren Julien said Wednesday that Jackson was sorting through thousands of personal items and his vast art collection from the abandoned Neverland Ranch and other places. He said the five-day auction in Beverly Hills, scheduled for April 21-25, will be the first organized by Jackson, who has been living as a virtual recluse since his acquittal in 2005 on child sex abuse charges.”

Thousands of items are gonna be on the auction block – like his glittery white glove for one and 15 different authentic MJ nose chunks for another. Still not convinced enough to raise a hand while the fast talker is standing at the podium? That’s only because you haven’t thought about it yet.

If you had you wouldn’t be so hesitant. The first perk that comes to our mind is that if you buy enough former-Jackson property your house could be like a glow in the dark disco under the right black lights.
You’d never be able to blame darkness when your pee missed the toilet.

That could be a positive or a negative.

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Michael Jackson’s dream is over – well, not the terrifying dream where his face slowly atrophies, that one’s still going strong.

We’re talking about the dream where Michael Jackson grows old surrounded by the luxury of his Neverland ranch. It’s been revealed that Michael Jackson has finally lost Neverland, and has signed the house and grounds over to a corporation – presumably a corporation that specialises in finding suitably creepy real estate for frightening comicbook supervillians.

And, in a sense, that’s what has happened. The corporation that Michael Jackson has signed Neverland over to is part owned by… Michael Jackson. So, in a sense, what that means is – oh, look, who are we kidding? This is so confusing, it’d take a month to get to the bottom of it. God, Michael Jackson was so much easier to understand when everyone thought he molested children.

For people like us – normal, hardworking millionaires who dream about living in giant shadow-filled dilapidated ranches that come complete with abandoned fairgrounds so utterly unsettling that they may as well be Nosferatu movie sets – these last couple of years have been hard.

All we’ve wanted to do is buy Neverland from Michael Jackson. As well as being so shitpant scary to live in that we’d never be able to sleep again, buying Neverland would have also been a sound investment – the eBay revenue alone from all the empty Jesus Juice bottles, scabbed-up lakes of giraffe blood and vials full of a general creeping stench of decay would have paid back the cost of the ranch several times over.

But it wasn’t to be. Although Michael Jackson apparently tried to sell Neverland to the Beckhams at one point due to the massive debts it was running up, lately he’s been fighting as hard as possible to keep it. Every time he almost lost Neverland for falling behind on the mortgage, Michael Jackson managed to scoop a vast, hopelessly convoluted deal out of the bag at the last minute to save it.

However, not even Michael Jackson could keep up with these brainfrying financial blackflips for long, and now it looks as though he’s finally lost Neverland forever. Michael Jackson has signed Neverland over to, well, himself. Don’t worry, we’re confused too. But The New York Times knows what’s going on:

On Monday Mr. Jackson filed a grant deed that transferred ownership of the property to the Sycamore Valley Ranch Company. According to the report the company is a joint venture between Mr. Jackson and Colony Capital, the real-estate investment company owned by Tom Barrack, which purchased Mr. Jackson’s debt in May when he defaulted on a $24.5 million mortgage on the ranch.

See? It’s simple. Michael Jackson couldn’t pay the mortgage on Neverland, so he sold his debt to an investment company, and then started a new company with the investment company, and then signed Neverland to that company. What could possibly be simpler than that?

Basically, that means that the new owner of Michael Jackson’s Neverland is Michael Jackson. Unless it isn’t. Which it might not be. Clear?

No, we’re still lost too, to be honest. But hopefully – regardless of who owns it now – getting rid of Neverland will be able to save Michael Jackson a gigantic sum of money. Maybe even enough to get his face looked at by a proper doctor. Seriously, that thing gives us the heebie jeebies.

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Think of Michael Jackson and the first thing that springs to mind is the Neverland ranch.

Alright, that’s a lie – the Neverland ranch is probably near the bottom of the list, coming some way after his ghoulish facial surgery, the seemingly bizarre treatment of his children, his child molestation court case, the porn, the Jesus juice and that monkey he used to own – but it doesn’t matter. Michael Jackson has finally fought off foreclosure on Neverland, so it’s his forever.

Alright, that’s also a lie – by ‘his’ we mean it’s technically the property of the investment company who bought the loan that Michael Jackson took out to save Neverland, and by ‘forever’ we mean for about a fortnight until Michael Jackson gets behind on his repayments again – but that doesn’t really matter either. Probably.

Sorry friendless millionaire hermits, we’ve got some bad news. It looks as though you’ll have to build your own nightmarishly creepy fairground shrine to your lost childhood where you can get drunk and look at porn in now, because Neverland is off the market for good.

You’ll remember that earlier this year Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch faced foreclosure after Michael defaulted on the $24 million property loan. Although Michael Jackson managed to wiggle out of the foreclosure by refinancing it with a big investment group, it was only a temporary solution – instead of cancelling the foreclosure auction outright, it was only postponed until today.

But, just in the nick of time, Michael Jackson has managed to avoid foreclosure for good and keep Neverland for himself by doing all sorts of complex financial maneuverings that don’t really seem to be all that clever or safe, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

Pop star Michael Jackson sidestepped a foreclosure auction of his Neverland Ranch after an investment company bought the loan on the troubled Los Olivos property, a spokeswoman said Sunday. The loan purchase by Colony Capital LLC was the latest deal to keep the 2,500-acre ranch from being sold off. In a statement released by a Jackson spokesman, who identified himself as B. Michael, the pop star said he was “pleased with recent developments involving Neverland” that would “allow me to focus on the future.”

Thank god – now that Neverland is safe Michael Jackson can now finally start focusing on the future. That’s important, because it’s difficult to plan to spend far beyond your means, consistently fail to record any new material and entangle yourself in a string of ever more complicated financial woes when a house you haven’t lived in for several years is up for sale.

Although out of the woods for the time being, Michael Jackson has such an ingrained history of failing to pay those he owes money to that it’s only a matter of time before he has to sell the loan of the loan of the loan on yet again to another investment firm with a set of even more unfavourable conditions, putting Neverland in danger once more.

We hope so, at least, because we’ve got plans to buy Neverland and convert it into a fancy hotel. Honestly, we think we can charge to dollar to let people sleep in rooms where it was once claimed that a frightmask-faced shell of a washed-up pop star wanked off a teenage cancer sufferer, especially if the rooms come with views overlooking a harrowing broken-down fairground.

Read more:

Michael Jackson gets to keep Neverland Ranch - LA Times

If Michael Jackson ever lost Neverland, he'd be a broken shell of a man – or at least more broken and shelly than he is now, if that's even possible.

Luckily, though, we don't have to concern ourselves with that any more – Michael Jackson isn't going to lose Neverland any more.

Although it had been up for public auction next month, Michael Jackson has worked out a private agreement with an investment group to make sure that Neverland stays his. Bad luck everyone else – you'll just have to find another spooky dilapidated old ranch complete with its own nightmarish arrested-adolescent fairground and hard-to-remove, albeit legally-nonexistent, child abuse connotations to spend your money on.

Chances are if you're reading this, you're probably some sort of ghoulish millionaire interested equally in gaudy decor and inviting underage cancer sufferers round to get drunk on booze. And if that's the case, we've got some bad news for you.

Yes, we know that last month we told you that Neverland ranch was getting auctioned off next week because Michael Jackson defaulted on a property loan worth $24 million. And, yes, we know that the news got you quite excited and that in your head you'd probably already decided that your coffee table would look nice next to the creepy oxygen tent and that a new lick of paint would partially remove the unfounded sensation that Michael Jackson wanked off a lot of boys there. But we've got bad news.

Somehow, Michael Jackson has found the $24 million to save Neverland from being auctioned. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Michael Jackson reached an 11th-hour deal to refinance his troubled Neverland Ranch, his lawyer said Thursday, avoiding a public auction of the property that had been scheduled next week. Jackson attorney L. Londell McMillan told The Associated Press the pop star has worked out a "confidential" agreement with Fortress Investment Group LLC allowing him to retain ownership of the famed property in Los Olivos, Calif. "Neverland and MJ are fine," McMillan said.

And good for Michael Jackson – if Neverland was sold it'd probably be sold off as condos or turned into the world's least pleasant hotel resort, and the place has just got too much history for a sad ending like that. Who can forget, for instance, where Michael Jackson's staff all walked out because they hadn't been paid? Or the time when Michael Jackson was accused of treating his zoo animals with inhuman cruelty? Golden times, golden times. 

However, just because Michael Jackson has fended off the threat of public auction for now, don't think that he'll keep Neverland. He hasn't lived there since he was acquitted of molesting those children in 2005 and it's thought that he's now trying to sell it.

So maybe your dreams of owning a large property that you don't like to stay in because the creaking of the ferris wheel sounds like the tortured screams of the young can come true, after all!

Read more:

Michael Jackson will keep Neverland Ranch - LA Times 

You there! Need a creepy set for your latest horror movie? Don't cry when you walk around abandoned zoos? Quite a lot richer than you have any reason to be?

Well we have just the property for you! Unless Michael Jackson ponies up $24 million in the next couple of weeks, his long cherished Neverland ranch will be going up for public auction.

That's right – there's nothing stopping you buying Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. Apart from, you know, your chronic lack of money and that legally-disproved sensation you have in the pit of your stomach that a teenage cancer victim might have been wanked off there a lot. 

Admit, as a child you looked at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch with envy. You wanted what Michael Jackson had – a gigantic creepy shrine to your lost childhood best known for being the centre of several disturbing child abuse allegations. 

Well envy no more, because Michael Jackson has apparently defaulted on his Neverland property loan to such an extent that the ranch will be put up for public auction on March 19 if he doesn't stump up $24 million first. And that means that you're in the perfect position to take Neverland off his hands at a dramatically reduced rate, as E! Online reports:

A San Francisco-based title company said Tuesday that the 2,500-acre property in Los Olivos, California, might be sold at a public auction scheduled for Mar. 19 unless the financially beleaguered singer can come up with $24 million he still owes on the estate… Per court documents obtained by Fox News, the auction would really bleed the property dry. It would include not just the grounds and buildings on the property, but all of the furnishings, appliances and various child-friendly accoutrements Jackson has added over the years, including "all merry-go-round type devices." 

It's not really a surprise that Michael Jackson might lose Neverland – he hasn't lived there since he was cleared of those child abuse charges, for a start, plus he's subsequently got in trouble for not paying his staff and splashing about in pools of giraffe blood. And he even tried selling Neverland to the Beckhams, which is pretty much the dictionary definition of desperate.

But let's assume that Michael Jackson isn't able to find the money to keep his lenders at bay and Neverland does reach public auction. Just imagine what a giddy time you'd have as its new owner – you could have as many moonlit rides on the merry-go-round as you could stand before getting creeped out and running indoors to claw at your own flesh in the shower. You could be the first star of the new TV show Lifestyles Of The Rich And Unnaturally Obsessed With Childhood.

Heck, you might even find the odd bottle of Jesus Juice laying around if you look hard enough.

Plus, let's not forget that the global market crash means that you should be able to pick up Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch for a song. Honestly, lying stock-still at night wide-awake because of the constant involuntary shuddering you get from living in Michael Jackson's old house has never been so affordable.

Read more:

Block Party for Jacko's Neverland? – E! Online