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Hello soap fans, have a good weekend? Did you all wake up covered in vomit and shame this morning? Excellent news, you’re all disgusting and that’s why we tolerate you.
Last week was exciting in Soapland wasn’t it? All that stuff happened and then that other stuff happened too! Yeah we didn’t watch any of it but we looked back at our spoilers last week and they were utterly compelling.
Ready to sober up and read this drivel? Fantastic.
It’s soap spoiling time again you lucky people! Once again we’ve been held at gunpoint and forced to write stuff about something we’d only care less about if we were dead. Want to know what exciting things happen in Hollyoaks this week? Tough. We didn’t include them.
As usual we’re off to Eastenders first and before we give you this weeks predictable spoilers, we’d like to jump up and down topless in appreciation of Kim, who’s near death rubbish pile romance scene with Ray was our highlight of last week.
This week Ben’s hilarious plan to get his dad arrested has finally worked. Yes Phil Mitchell has been charged with the murder of Stella in a plot so drawn-out we had to look on YouTube to remember what actually happened. We’re still not sure. However, the smug grin is soon wiped off his face when Shirley throws him out and he’s forced to go and live with Ian Beale and as you all know, when you move in with Ian you have to marry him – it’s Eastenders law.
Holly Valance, who remarkably is only 28, has announced to the world, while pimping herself at a promotional event while dressed as a cave-girl, that she’s gone and got herself engaged to a millionaire.
Presumably, we’re all supposed to be crestfallen at this news like we all still fancy her or something, despite the fact that, if it wasn’t for Strictly Come Dancing, we probably would’ve forgotten she existed.
Anyway, thanks to getting off with a millionaire, the proposal wasn’t a Half Price Jewellers half-sov while on one-knee in a Wetherspoons. It was fire-based.
It’s Monday you ratbags which means it’s time for Soap Spoilers where we take great delight in ruining your viewing pleasure for the coming week.
In Coronation Street this week Tracy hears Roy talking about a postcard he’s received from Becky and she pumps Sylvia for information. Not literally we hope. She then runs off to find Steve and tell him about Becky’s new man, leaving him as crushed as a buttery biscuit base on Masterchef. She then pumps him for fun and thinks they’re going to live happily ever after but funnily enough Steve doesn’t and it’s back to shouting and overacting in the Rovers as normal.
Gary decides that Izzy is never going to leave the house ever again and hides her wheelchair. It’s true. When she finds out that he’s entirely mental she screams for help which reults in him being locked up and begging for her forgiveness but will she? More importantly, DID SHE GET HER WHEELS BACK? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IS SHE STILL SAT THERE???
Ask just about any Neighbours fan when the soap’s golden era was, and they’ll get all misty eyed as they reminisce about that first flush of mainstream success the show enjoyed in the late 80s.
It’s when we met the Ramsays and Robinsons, got whipped up in the romance of Scott and Charlene, hated Mrs Mangel but fancied her dowdy granddaughter Jane, and laughed along to the “larrikin” japes of Des and Clive.
Some might even fondly remember Jim dying while upending a bowl of fruit, one solitary orange falling onto his limp torso (just me then).
Today is a sad day for anyone who’s ever wobbled their chin furiously and burbled “Blwoooear, Madge” – because Harold Bishop is leaving Neighbours.
It’s been announced that Ian Smith, the actor who plays Harold Bishop, is leaving Neighbours in October – and probably forever this time too, not swanning back in five years later because he spuriously only got amnesia instead of dying forever like everyone thought. Probably.
It’s upsetting to think that an ironic cultural touchstone such as Harold Bishop is really leaving Neighbours. The news has been such a shock to our systems that it even briefly reminded us that Neighbours was still actually on TV. We know – that’s how much of a shock it was.
Christina Aguilera might be beautiful no matter what they say, but that doesn't give her the right to splash around her pool making sex noises like a mortally wounded buffalo.
Because that's what she does you know. Christina Aguilera's neighbour said so.
Apparently Christina Aguilera and her husband enjoy nothing more than frolicking around naked in their pool, screaming and swearing and 'making sexy noises' much to the annoyance of the elderly people they live near. Nobody seems sure exactly what these sexy noises of Christina Aguilera's are, but we're willing to bet they don't involve her singing anything because, face it, that's about as sexy as listening to a walrus being kicked to death by an alcoholic.
It wasn't fun living near Jane Seymour – you'd want to go and ask her specific questions about season four of Dr Quinn Medicine Woman and all you'd be greeted with is a wall of deafening noise.
But now Jane Seymour's Somerset neighbours won't have to put up with it any longer because – following endless complaints and protests and bitching about all the noise constantly being blasted out of her country mansion, Jane Seymour has relented and decided to sell up. It's a perfect conclusion for the locals, really, for two reasons. Firstly, whoever buys the mansion won't be so quick to let Radiohead record albums there – which will probably halve the suicides in Bath in one fell swoop – plus it will give them more time to pick on the second-loudest Bath resident, a particularly flatulent bank vole called Ethel.
