When we were in sixth grade we got to school one day, and three periods in when it was our turn to give the in-depth presentation that we’d worked on for over a week – it wasn’t in our bag.

We turned our desk inside-out that day – but to no avail. We were crying at the window as our teacher wrote a big red F next to our name in his spiral grade-book, that’s when we saw it – Ed McMahon sprinting across the playground with our missing assignment in hand. He was more dragging it, actually. After all the thing was over 20 feet long.

We’d invented the Publisher’s Clearing House giant check printer. We would have gladly shared it with the world for free – but McMahon wouldn’t allow it. He patented the blue prints and made millions.

It doesn’t matter now though because it wasn’t enough – his house is going into foreclosure. That’s karma, Ed. You are just like China.

Perhaps some day soon Ed McMahon will go to his mailbox and find a letter from PETA, wherein it’s stated they’ll save his house if he’ll but throw away all his leather pajamas. Apparently PETA’s never worn leather pajamas – if they had they’d know such an offer was futile. Animal skin PJs are just so comfortable – especially when they’re fresh.

They tried something similar with Aretha Franklin, although we’re not sure if she took the bait. PETA offer or no, Ed McMahon is about to lose his house. Reuters will fill you in with the essentials:

“Ed McMahon, the longtime sidekick to U.S. talk show host Johnny Carson, is fighting to save his multimillion dollar Beverly Hills home from foreclosure, McMahon’s spokesman said on Wednesday…According to public records, McMahon was then about $644,000 in arrears on the mortgage for the six-bedroom, five-bathroom home in an exclusive area of Beverly Hills. The house has been on the market for about two years and the current asking price is $5.75 million.”

Further intense investigation on our part has revealed conclusively that McMahon’s current money-crunch started when he broke his neck and couldn’t work. We’d like to say we can relate, but our necks are all in perfect condition. Also we can’t relate because our mom has a really good job and can afford her home that we currently live in with three foreign exchange students and a fat pregnant bullmastiff.

Quickly – who won at the Oscars this year? You can't remember, can you.

It's OK, nor can anyone. Because this year, the Oscars weren't about stupid things like 'films' and 'artistic excellence' – they were about Gary Busey drooling all over Jennifer Garner's neck until she looked like she was about to cry.

And now, about six weeks after everyone forgot that he even did it, Gary Busey has issued a statement apologising to Jennifer Garner for any distress he caused. Apparently he was aiming his spittle for her cleavage or something. He didn't say that, exactly, but it'd just make sense.

Generally speaking, the Oscars are a bit like Christmas. You get excited for the big day, you can't turn anywhere without being swarmed with reminders about it, and then three days after it's finished you can't remember who gave you what and the four kilograms of Haribo you ate in 36 hours have left you feeling like your brain's about to implode.

But not this year, though. This year will go down in history as the year that Gary Busey went mental at the Oscars, started screaming at Ryan Seacrest and then tried to maul the neck off Jennifer Garner with his mouth. It was a beautiful thing to watch – so much so that we didn't even bother to question why someone like Gary Busey was even at the Oscars in the first place. 

A few days later Gary Busey phoned Ryan Seacrest's radio show ostensibly to apologise, except that he didn't realise that he was on the air and just banged on abstractly about how Seacrest was an "innocent champion of honesty" and the art of catching dreams for a bit. Which is all very well and good, except that poor Jennifer Garner didn't get the apologetic Gary Busey treatment.

Until now. Even though the Oscars happened about a month ago, Gary Busey has chosen to release a statement apologising to Jennifer Garner for making her look genuinely terrified in front of an audience of millions. Well, we say 'apologise'… The Associated Press reports:

"I meant no disrespect to Ms. Jennifer Garner when I met her at the Oscars and apologize if I made her uncomfortable," the 63-year-old actor said in a statement e-mailed Monday by a publicist for his attorney, Vicki Roberts. By the time he realized Garner and Linney were being interviewed, Busey said he tried to step back but "suddenly Ryan introduced her to me… I simply greeted both actresses with joy and open arms, which is the way I would greet anyone I'm happy to meet," Busey said. "Everyone has experienced a handshake or hug which has turned awkward, and this was no different."

To be fair, Gary Busey does have a point – we've experienced plenty of hugs which have turned awkward in the past, so we know exactly where he's coming from. And, coincidentally, most of those hugs have turned awkward because we've furiously started licking at the other person's neck as well. Funny, that.

Anyway, now that Gary Busey's conscience is clear he can slowly dissolve away into big-toothed anonymity again – but things won't be so easy for Jennifer Garner. After all, thanks to video footage of the incident hundreds of millions of lonely men now know that Jennifer Garner pulls one of the most adorable faces you've ever seen if you suddenly lunge in and kiss her on the neck. Who wouldn't want to try that for themselves?

Read more:

Busey Apologizes for Red Carpet Blunder – AP