This week’s good stuff and bad.

Folded:

• Phil Mitchell on the crack (EastEnders breaks bad)
• Buy a decanter (guaranteed to make you look 28% more classy. Put cognac in it though, not cold tea)
• Magnum P.I. vs Han Solo (ace! go!)
• gavelexpress.com (‘cos you never know when you might need one – and fast)
• Comic book adap. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is out on the 25th (providing you don’t follow its director Edgar Wright on Twitter [it is all he bloody talks about] you should be sufficiently excited)

Creased:

• Olly Murs has released a bland single (and the video is just as insipid: rented country house, looted modelling agency, trip to Topman, lots and lots of soft lighting)
• Anthea Turner as Madonna (still with the same hair though. Can’t mess with Anthea’s lovely feather hair)
• Bar staff who cannot make cocktails (not paying eight quid to watch you tip Tabasco into a Vodka Martini, love)
• Kids TV these days (no Press Gang, no Byker Grove – it’s all crap)
• Ne-Yo’s at No.1 (and he’s wearing trainers with his suit. So 2006, darling. And stop tilting your trilby, you’re not Michael Jackson - thankfully)

Now that they’re bridging My Super Sweet 16 and Nil By Mouth, Rihanna and Chris Brown can’t be having much fun.

But it’s OK – Ne-Yo‘s fixing it. Ne-Yo has decided that the photo of Rihanna’s smashed face and Chris Brown’s arrest and subsequent apology don’t tell the whole story, so he’s decided to act as an R&B intermediary between the pair of them.

Ne-Yo’s plan is already in effect – he’s spoken to Rihanna and apparently she’s ‘fine’ – and next he’ll talk to Chris Brown. He may even use the word ‘Bruh’ if things get heavy. Don’t mess with Ne-Yo.

The best thing about Chris Brown being arrested for allegedly attacking Rihanna until she needed hospital treatment is that there are no end of celebrities willing to wade in with their take. Literally every celebrity on Earth has decided to share their opinion about Chris Brown – Roseanne, that woman who sometimes hangs around with Oprah Winfrey – all of them.

Trouble is, none of them have been Ne-Yo. Ne-Yo is different. Ne-Yo loves women. Ne-Yo called his last album The Age Of The Gentleman so he’s obviously a gentleman – even though to listen to the album is to understand that his idea of gentlemanly conduct involves having a testicle amputation and then crying a lot.

Ne-Yo was named after the Neo character from The Matrix, whose name was an anagram of ‘one’. Technically Ne-Yo’s name is spelt differently, so it’s only an anagram of ‘oney’ which doesn’t make sense – but that’s beside the point. The point is that Ne-Yo understands.

How much does Ne-Yo understand? Enough for him to be able to sort out this mess between Rihanna and Chris Brown singlehandedly, that’s how much. Ne-Yo is friends with both Rihanna and Chris Brown, so he’s decided to get to the bottom of all those bruises on her face the only way he knows how – via the medium of agonised heart-to-hearts.

Ne-Yo has already had a discussion with Rihanna about the incident, as MTV reports:

“I spoke to Rihanna. She says she’s fine. She didn’t go into detail about what happened. I understand it’s a painful situation; I didn’t push.”

Phew, thank goodness that’s sorted out. Honestly Ne-Yo, you’re wasted as a girl-voiced R&B singer. You should be a private detective or a police superintendent or something. If only people had applied this innovative ‘don’t push’ and ‘no details’ investigative methods at the start of this case, Rihanna might have avoided all this mess.

Meanwhile, Ne-Yo hasn’t spoken to Chris Brown. But he’s going to, and he knows exactly what he’s going to say:

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chris yet. I just wanna sit down and talk to that dude and just explain if he doesn’t understand: ‘That’s not something that’s excusable, bruh. You have to get a little smarter about whatever it is going on in your relationship. You have to get a little smarter about how you handle certain situations.’”

Obviously this will be all the punishment that Chris Brown needs and, having been called ‘bruh’ by Ne-Yo, there’ll be no need for him to go to prison or anything like that.

Join us next week when Ne-Yo travels to the Middle East and tries to put a permenant end to the Israeli-Palestine conflict by mumbling “Hey bruh, I’m not going to push, but what’s with all these tanks and shit?” at Benjamin Netanyahu during a romantic dinner for two at a swanky restaurant.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Ne-Yo – the only R&B singer on Earth to name himself after the Doppler effect – is a pretty popular chap, but now that’s been legally confirmed.

Last year Ne-Yo was on tour supporting R Kelly, but he got the sack after two shows because he says the crowds preferred him and R Kelly got the hump. A quick court case later, and Ne-Yo seems to have had his argument upheld – he’s just been awarded $700,000 from the tour’s promoter for sacking him so quickly.

So congratulations Ne-Yo – you’re now sort of officially more popular than a man who until recently was thought to have starred in a piss-sex video with a child. That’s just a level of popularity we can only ever dream of reaching. Tell us Ne-Yo, how does that feel?

Even though he’s got two songs currently in the top 40 and he’s rapidly approaching the top of his game, we haven’t really discussed Ne-Yo a lot here. Why is that? Well, it could be because Ne-Yo’s name is a pain in the arse to type, but it’s probably because Ne-Yo seems like a work-obsessed dullard who wouldn’t even be remotely exciting if you gave him a box of fireworks and a kitten.

But all that’s about to change, because Ne-Yo has just won a lawsuit against a concert promoter. Crikey – that’s about as thrilling as it gets, right? Gosh!

No, wait, come back – the lawsuit was sort of about R Kelly acting like a dick, so we’ll let Ne-Yo off just this once.

At the end of last year, Ne-Yo was booked as R Kelly’s support act on tour. However, since Ne-Yo is a hot young thing, an accomplished songwriter and the star of hit movie Save The Last Dance 2 – and since at the time nobody was sure if R Kelly was into weeing on children’s faces or not – the crowds seemed to prefer Ne-Yo’s performances. Weirdly, it was at about this time that R Kelly sacked him. And that’s where BBC News can take over:

R&B singer Ne-Yo has been awarded $700,320 (£395,580) after he was dropped from a tour with R Kelly… In January, Ne-Yo sued tour promoter Georgia-based Rowe Entertainment Inc. The company never responded to the case. Last week, a Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered them to pay Ne-Yo and his touring company damages.

So that’s it? No statements from Ne-Yo or R Kelly, who denies that Ne-Yo was sacked for being too good? When do we get to hear about all the searing maneuvering that went on behind the scenes of this pedal-to-the-metal contract violation lawsuit?

It better be soon, because a blow-by-blow account of exactly what happened in the run-up to the lawsuit could be just the thing to inject a little bit of pizazz into Ne-Yo’s public image.

That’s right, we’re basically suggesting that Ne-Yo would be more interesting if he discussed the ins and out of legal admin with us. What of it?