The thing that really perplexes almost anyone in possession of eyes, ears, a brain and puberty regarding the ‘phenomenon’ of Justin Bieber is actually what all the fuss is about in the first place. He possesses all the interest and faint repellence of a glass of tepid piss with a mop-top.
But wait! The ugly/interesting rumour of racism/anti-semitism rears its intriguing head! Thank God! (The Christian God, obviously.) It’ll be like Mel Gibson’s ‘sugar-tits’ thing all over again, launching Justin into a fascinating world of well-regarded glove-puppet-orientated indie films!
Oh. It wasn’t even him. It was his mum. Making him even lamer than previously imagined. You’re in it deep if – for all your bland, inoffensive marionette dancing, girlish singing, foolish hairstyles and overall disposability – your mother is more exciting than you are.
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Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.
Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.
So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!
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God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.
Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.
Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?
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Ridiculously dressed designer, John Galliano, has been found guilty of racist and anti-Semitic behaviour by a Paris court today, which means you can’t go around shouting your mouth off about Jews. Okay?
Johnny G was facing charges of “casting public insults based on origin, religious affiliation, race or ethnicity” by French authorities and was ordered to court today to pay a total fine of 17,500 euros.
However, he won’t be getting sexually assaulted in the prison showers.
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What’s the fashion world’s problem with Jews? Seriously. John Galliano recently went nutso about our Jewish cousins, and now, people are accusing the ghost of Coco Chanel of being a massive Jew hater.
See, there’s this book out which points at the fashion legend while mouthing the words “Nazi sympathiser”.
In fact, it’s suggested that she wasn’t so much sympathetic, but actually a proper Nazi, collaborating with them during World War II as a spy code-named “Westminster.” So that means, by our reckoning, that if you have Chanel anything, you may as well go and defecate in a Synagogue during Shabbat.
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Hey! You! Don’t make jokes that you’re a Nazi! Okay? Why? Well, everyone will think you’re some Jew hating swine and, as conspiracy theorists will feverishly tell you, they rule the entire world. Just make jokes about being a sex offender instead, as that has the required ‘edge’ to make simpletons laugh.
Falling foul of the whole ‘I’m a Nazi’ joke is director Lars von Trier who is now persona non grata at the Cannes Film Festival.
See, while at a press conference promoting his new film Melancholia, Lars japed that he was a Jew and a Nazi, with stars of the flick, Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, looking on in apparent disbelief. With the latter, that’s particularly difficult to imagine bearing in mind that her father, the brilliant Serge, drunkenly said rude words on a chat show to Whitney Houston and once made a dodgy song called ‘Lemon Incest’ which featured a shirtless Charlotte who, being twelve at the time, sang ambiguous lyrics about the sex between an adult and a child.
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Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini.
But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems – like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That’s all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit – it’s all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie.
There’s a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.
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Well, file this one under ‘how the hell did we miss that, even though it broke about a day ago?!’
See, you traipse the internet, you look through all of your sources, talk to people and even read things and yet – we still miss things sometimes. Big things. Things that were basically stories handcrafted for the hallowed pages of hecklerspray. Things that involve both Tom Cruise and Scientology.
Things that involve Tom Cruise, Scientology and the fact that both the person and the religion are being sued by an ex-follower.
How the hell did we miss this?
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